“I wonder how many people would have threesomes if asking wasn’t so hard,” a friend said to me recently. She’s right: Threesomes are high risk, high reward, and fear of what could happen if you proposition the wrong person (from a little awkwardness to potentially imploding a relationship) can be an effective deterrent. But that doesn’t—and shouldn’t!—stop people from pursuing the storied ménage à trois.
Associate professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota Duluth, Dr. Ashley Thompson, head of the Sexuality and Relationship Science Lab, estimates that around 15 to 20 percent of people will have a threesome in their lifetime. Of those, Thompson estimates that over 60 percent involve a romantic partner, making couples plus a third the most common configuration. That’s why, hi, we’re here to tell you and your partner exactly what you need to know to find your third.
But before we get into the good stuff, remember: Too often, couples use queer spaces and events as grounds for “unicorn hunting,” which sends the message that queer people (often women and femmes) are accessories for straight people’s pleasure. The meme, “Hey, my girlfriend saw you from across the bar and we really dig your vibe, can we buy you a drink?” lives in infamy for good reason.
“You become a bit of a commodity. If you think about it like a market, bi women in particular are in really high demand,” says Sally*, 26. “I think being the third in someone else's fantasy just makes you kind of feel like you're being played with.”
Threesome-seekers should not overlook their guest partner’s humanity and should be, first and foremost, respectful of anyone they approach. “I would caution people against approaching a third to spice up your relationship and using this person as a toy to explore something in your own relationship,” says Dr. Patricia Fancher, a writing professor at the University of California, Santa Barbara who specializes in feminism and sexuality. Investigate your own intentions and remember that this person has feelings and desires too.
Now, here’s how to go about finding and asking someone to join you in the boudoir—and what not to do to avoid any awkwardness.
Look Within Your Circle
In most cases, getting it on with someone you know very well, like a friend or co-worker, could mess with your dynamic and negatively impact your relationship. Ornella, 23, has enjoyed multiple threesomes with a friend from college, both while single and with her partner, but she cautions against sleeping with people who are too entrenched in your life. “It was really nice to have someone who I trusted, but she wasn't so close that it would ruin everything we built together,” she says.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, there’s a very real safety risk that comes with inviting a total stranger into the bedroom. “When you involve a completely unknown third person, you don't know their STI background. You don't know if these folks will [try to] force anything on you,” Thompson says.
Most threesome-seekers prefer their third person to be an acquaintance—someone in your social circle you know well, but not well enough that a proposition would make things weird. Are you and your partner both interested in playing with this person? And if so, have they given you any indication they're interested in you, too?
Fancher recommends gauging their interest by bringing up threesomes in casual conversation. Learning if they would be open to one in general is a good place to start. “I would not approach somebody who was a close friend if they hadn't flirted with me in some very explicit way,” she adds. Some green lights to look out for from potentially-interested peeps include touching, flirty dancing, prolonged eye contact, and compliments. And even if you are getting obvious flirty signs, still proceed with caution. If the vibes are extra friendly, they could still just be, well, friendly, and things could get awkward.
Ryan*, 26, was on the receiving end of that awkwardness while living with his best friend Mark* and Mark’s girlfriend, Annie*, when she began hinting at a threesome. At the end of the day, his friendship with Mark meant far more to him than any potential sexploits. “I don’t think it would be a good idea to have a threesome with the guy who's likely going to be the best man at your wedding,” Ryan says.
If the signals are clear, Fancher recommends keeping the approach simple. “Just letting you know that I'm feeling this vibe, and I feel a desire for it,” is straightforward without applying too much stress. Another more formal approach could be: “Would you be interested in joining my partner and me in a threesome? Absolutely no pressure, but we think it could be a fun time if you’re down.” If they’re not into it, just drop it and move on. But if they are? Mission accomplished.
Take to the Apps
With that in mind, some people find acquaintances too close for comfort and feel okay seeking out strangers on dating apps to complete their triad. Just as you would with any dating app hookup, be smart. Remember: With great sex comes great responsibility! It’s important to talk about boundaries and STIs before getting busy. Thompson recommends “taking the time to discuss, communicate, talk about boundaries, what's acceptable, and what's not.” This goes for any sexual partner(s), whether they’re a one-time hookup or someone you’re dating.
If you turn to mainstream apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, it’s crucial to be upfront about what you’re looking for by stating it in your bio to avoid misleading your matches. You may also want to consider trying apps like Feeld, which is specifically designed for non-monogamy, as well as ones with more options for selectivity like OkCupid. Fancher personally recommends Feeld because it allows partners to connect their profiles. That way, people know exactly who they’re matching with.
“Treat looking for a third the same as you would looking for any other partner, which is a human to share a time and experience with,” Fancher says. Perhaps branch out from just saying that you’re looking for a partner for a threesome, and include hobbies and interests to appeal to the person on the other side of the screen. “Assume that the other person is a human who has complex needs and desires, and is looking to be desired," because they are.
Sally appreciates the forwardness that comes with using Feeld. “The design of the app encourages you to be very upfront about your interests,” she says. “While that doesn't necessarily build more trust, at least there's more transparency and you can make slightly more informed decisions that way.”
Meet People IRL
For those who like to meet more organically, in-person events for swingers, polyamorous folks, and people in open relationships are great ways to meet other likeminded people—but make sure you’re staying in your lane. Again, don't show up to queer-themed nights or spaces if you're not both part of the community.
That said, non-queer couples are more than welcome at sex clubs and swingers events. (Some well-known sex clubs include SNCTM and Hacienda. Both are members-only and applicants go through a thorough vetting process, so safety is a top priority.) Fancher suggests that you walk in with the mindset of enjoying the night and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to find someone. “You're not going shopping,” she says. Just see where the night takes you!
Of course, meeting sexy strangers is always exciting, but make sure that the energy is reciprocated. Sally describes feeling preyed upon when couples only view her as a potential third, not a human being. “It's very easy to sniff when someone is looking at you with an agenda and is not interested in what you think of the agenda.”
Now that you’ve got the basics down, remember: Finding the right person might take time. People you’re interested in may not be down for a number of reasons, and you may have nothing to do with it.
“Rejection is just not the worst thing in the world!” says Fancher. “We should embrace our yeses and noes. If you get a no, everybody just feels a little awkward, but also complimented that somebody else thought they were really hot.”
At the end of the day, threesomes (like any other sexual encounter) come with their own risks and even greater rewards, which can lead to a better exploration and understanding of your sexuality and relationship. If you’re feeling ready to dip your toe into group sex or non-monogamy, let this be your sign to dive in head-first!
*Name has been changed.
