Children of divorced parents

Their problems and needs

Contents
1. What problems does a child of divorced parents experience? .......................................................... 3
1.1. A child of divorced parents may think it is his / her fault that his / her parents divorce ..................................3
1.2. A child of divorced parents may become a messenger for parents ..................................................................3
1.3. A child of divorced parents may become a negotiator / mediator between parents.......................................3
1.4. Children of divorced parents may be confused about what love is ..................................................................4
1.5. A child of divorced parents will experience insecurity and lack of stability ......................................................4
1.6. A child of divorced parents may develop problems with anger and disobedience ..........................................4

2. What needs does a child of divorced parents have? ........................................................................ 5

2.1. A child of divorced parents needs to know that his / her mother and father both love him / her ..................5
2.2. A child of divorced parents needs to know where each parent will live...........................................................5
2.3. A child of divorced parents needs to know with whom he / she will live .........................................................5
2.4. A child of divorced parents needs his or her parents to spend time with him or her ......................................5
2.5. A child of divorced parents needs to talk about his / her feelings ....................................................................5
2.6. A child of divorced parents needs people who communicate well ..................................................................6
2.7. A child of divorced parents needs an apology when his or her mother or father makes a mistake ................6
2.8. A child of divorced parents needs his or her parents to reduce stress .............................................................6
2.9 A child of divorced parents needs his or her parents to be present at birthdays and other events that are
important for the child .............................................................................................................................................7

1. What problems does a child of divorced parents experience?

1.1. A child of divorced parents may think it is his / her fault that his / her parents divorce
A child, who experiences that his or her parents divorce, may blame herself or himself for the divorce of
his/her parents.1 The child may feel guilty and think that he or she caused the problem.2 Alison
Eastwood, the daughter of Clint Eastwood, explains what she felt as her parents divorced:
My parents divorced when I was six. I had to grow up very fast. It's hard as a kid not to take a break-up
personally. Even if your parents say, You did nothing wrong, there's still a part of you that thinks, Is it
me? Do they not love me? You feel like the glue that sticks them together, and when that comes undone,
there's always that awful little thing in the back of your mind. I felt rejected and that affects your selfesteem.3

1.2. A child of divorced parents may become a messenger for parents

Dad always asks me about Mom. That bothers me.4
Sarah, 8 years old.
When parents of a child divorce, the child continues to be what unites his or her parents. Because there
may not be many other things that unite the divorced parents, the child may become a tool for each of
the parents to, for example, get messages delivered to and from the other parent.

1.3. A child of divorced parents may become a negotiator / mediator between parents
Besides being a messenger, a child may become a negotiator / mediator between parents. In this role,
the child will take responsibility for reducing the number of conflicts between parents. The child will
spend a lot of energy on understanding what each of the parents want and, with each of the parents, try
to negotiate to achieve a friendly climate.5
That a child becomes a negotiator / mediator between its divorced parents can have several
consequences for the child. Some examples:
When divorced parents communicate through their child, it forces the child to negotiate a
situation the parents could not handle themselves. This puts a high degree of stress on the
child.6 A key reason for the increasing stress is that a child is not equipped to understand adult
problems.7
When the child does not succeed as mediator, it may have a negative effect on the childs selfesteem / self confidence.8
1

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/157
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/divorce.html
3
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2417816/Divorce-kids-arent-alright-adults-divorced-families-speak-effectsparents-split.html
4
http://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/archiv/artikel-im-heft/news/getrennte-wege-gemeinsame-kinder/
5
https://www.xn--brnegruppen-ggb.dk/til-fagfolk/boern-i-skilsmisser/
6
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/top-5-mistakes-divorced-parents-make
7
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/157
8
https://www.xn--brnegruppen-ggb.dk/til-fagfolk/boern-i-skilsmisser/
2

1.4. Children of divorced parents may be confused about what love is

A question that a child raises when his or her parents decide to divorce is this: When my parents dont love each
other anymore, dont they love me either?9 For more reasons, this question will confuse / frustrate the child. Some
examples:
Example A
A child instinctively loves both its parents. This love from the child comes out of necessity. The child needs to love
its parents because he or she is dependent upon them in order to live. This means that for a child, love is
unconditional.10 Most children do not want its parents to divorce. They want their parents to live together. 11 Many
children will wish often long time after a divorce that their parents will get back together again.12
Example B
A child does not distinguish between the love that exists between a) him / her and his / her parents, and b) his or
her mother and father. Therefore, a child does not understand the explanation that his or her parents do not love
each other anymore.13

1.5. A child of divorced parents will experience insecurity and lack of stability
A variety of things can cause insecurity and lack of stability for a child whose parents have divorced.
Some examples of questions:
What is going to happen to me next?
Who will take care of me?
Where will I live?
With whom will I live?
With one parent moving out, what if I lose the other too?14

1.6. A child of divorced parents may develop problems with anger and disobedience
Situations may occur during which a child of divorced parents may refuse to share time with a parent and
may try to take sides.15 One reason why the child may choose side meaning that he or she prefers to
ally with one parent and reduce or minimize contact with the other parent may be to reduce complexity
and thereby reduce stress.16

http://www.skilsmissefilm.dk/brns-oplevelse-af-skilsmisse
http://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/archiv/artikel-im-heft/news/getrennte-wege-gemeinsame-kinder/
11
http://emeryondivorce.com/how_divorce_affects_children.php
12
http://www.skilsmissefilm.dk/brns-oplevelse-af-skilsmisse
13
http://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/archiv/artikel-im-heft/news/getrennte-wege-gemeinsame-kinder/
14
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201112/the-impact-divorce-young-childrenand-adolescents
15
http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/help_child_divorce.html#
16
https://www.xn--brnegruppen-ggb.dk/til-fagfolk/boern-i-skilsmisser/
10

2. What needs does a child of divorced parents have?

2.1. A child of divorced parents needs to know that his / her mother and father both love him /
her
Parents who have decided to divorce need to reassure their child that they both love their child, that they
will always be his or her parents, and that they both will remain involved as father and mother
respectively.17

2.2. A child of divorced parents needs to know where each parent will live
A study that looked at data from 150,000 12- and 15-year old students showed that having everyday
contact with both parents seems to be more important, in terms of stress, than living in 2 different homes.
The author of the study, Malin Bergstrm, also explained that it may be difficult to keep up on engaged
parenting if you only see your child every second weekend.18

2.3. A child of divorced parents needs to know with whom he / she will live
In a situation of major change, which a divorce of parents is for a child, knowing where a child has his or
her home is something that can bring stability into a childs life.

2.4. A child of divorced parents needs his or her parents to spend time with him or her
A strong need that any child has is that his or her parents spend time with her or him.19

2.5. A child of divorced parents needs to talk about his / her feelings
A child may experience a range of mixed feelings when his or her parents divorce. Feelings can include
shock, anxiety, sadness, anger, and/or disbelief. A child whose parents divorce may also experience
relief if the child notices reduced tensions between its parents.20 It is important to keep in mind that a
child has a right to feel the way he / she does.21 This means, for example, that a child has the right to be
angry and sad because his or her parents have decided to divorce.22
How do you help a child who has feelings that are in turmoil? A child who is able to talk to one or more
trusted people about what he / she is going through is better able to adapt to changes related to

17

https://www.aacap.org/aacap/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_and_Divorce_01.
aspx
18
http://time.com/3836627/divorced-parents-joint-custody/
19
http://www.nzz.ch/article8OC3I-1.214326
20
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/
21
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/divorce.html
22
http://www.bente-edslev.dk/artikler/Ny_familie_Junior_september_2007.pdf

divorce.23 This could, for example, be with friends.24 During these conversation with the child, the child
appreciates it when you listen to him or her instead of telling him or her how to think or what to do. 25
Examples of questions
It seems as if you're feeling sad right now. Do you know what's making you feel so sad?26
I can see and hear that you are angry. Can you explain what makes you angry?
Whats it like to have two homes?27 What do you like about it? What do you not like about it?

2.6. A child of divorced parents needs people who communicate well

What children of divorced parents emphasize as being among the most difficult, uncomfortable, and fear
provoking experiences during a divorce of their parents are the controversies / disagreements that their
parents have with each other.28 A child of divorced parents has seen first-hand how under developed
communication competencies can damage a relationship. This is a key reason why a child of divorced
parents puts strong importance on developing good communication competencies and, in general,
prioritizes communication highly.29
A key need, that a child of divorced parents has, is that each of his or her parents communicate
respectfully about and with each other.30 Some questions / research on the topic:
http://www.slideshare.net/frankcalberg/listening-tips

2.7. A child of divorced parents needs an apology when his or her mother or father makes a
mistake
When you have made a mistake, try this:
Apologize to your child.
Ask your child what kind of signal he / she will use to indicate that you should you are making the
same mistake again and that you need to stop immediately. It could, for example, be a stop sign
that the child raises in the air when you raise your voice.31

2.8. A child of divorced parents needs his or her parents to reduce stress
To help reduce the stress that a child of divorced parents experiences when his or her parents divorce,
parents need to work on reducing the stress they have in their own lives.32 Some research / ideas /
questions on the topic: http://www.slideshare.net/frankcalberg/ideas-to-prevent-stress

23

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-to-SupportChildren-after-Parents-Separate-or-Divorce.aspx
24
http://www.skilsmissefilm.dk/brns-oplevelse-af-skilsmisse
25
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/top-5-mistakes-divorced-parents-make
26
http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/help_child_divorce.html#
27
http://www.folkeskolen.dk/69166/skilsmisseboern-har-et-stort-behov-for-at-tale
28
http://www.skilsmissefilm.dk/brns-oplevelse-af-skilsmisse
29
http://www.puckermob.com/lifestyle/14-ways-children-of-divorce-love-differently
30
http://www.danskefamilieadvokater.dk/da-DK/Artikler---Nyheder/Artikler/B%C3%B8rns-krav-til-for%C3%A6ldre-ikkefor%C3%A6ldrenes-krav-p%C3%A5-b%C3%B8rnene.aspx
31
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/top-5-mistakes-divorced-parents-make
32
http://www.nzz.ch/article8OC3I-1.214326

2.9 A child of divorced parents needs his or her parents to be present at birthdays and other
events that are important for the child
Unless the conflict level is high, children of divorced parents enjoy when both parents are present at
special occasions.33

33

http://www.bornsvilkar.dk/Temaer/Skilsmisse/skilsmissefamilie.aspx#.VZUto_mqqko