Teen+bullying Workbook

“The Bullying Workbook for Teens is a remarkable, relevant resource for both teens
and professionals. The activities are engaging and offer practical strategies to help
teens work through and cope with bullying situations, while also raising their self-
confidence. As I read it, I found tools to implement in my own work with teens.
This book offers eye-opening insights and will be useful to any teen who has been
victimized by bullies.”
—Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes, the book

that inspired the motion picture, Mean Girls
“The Bullying Workbook for Teens is a non-judgmental companion, reflection aid, and
an ‘aha’ moment-maker for isolated teens. It’s also a much-needed tool for clinicians. I
recommend it highly and look forward to using it myself.”
—Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out

t h e z n s t a n t h e l p
s o lu t io ns se r i e s
Young people today need mental health resources more
than ever. That’s why New Harbinger created the Instant
Help Solutions Series especially for teens. Written by
leading psychologists, these evidence-based self-help
books offer practical tips and strategies for dealing with
a variety of mental health issues and life challenges
teens face, such as depression, anxiety, bullying, eating
disorders, trauma, and self-esteem problems.
Studies have shown that young people who learn healthy

coping skills early on are better able to navigate problems
later in life. Engaging and easy-to-use, these books
provide teens with the tools they need to thrive—at
home, at school, and on into adulthood.
This series is part of the New Harbinger Instant Help

Books imprint, founded by renowned child psychologist
Lawrence Shapiro. For a complete list of books in this
series, visit newharbinger.com.
the bullying
workbook for
teens
activities to help
you deal with social
aggression and
cyberbullying
RAYCHELLE CASSADA LOHMANN, MS, LPC

JULIA V. TAYLOR, MA
Foreword by HALey KILPATrICK
Instant Help Books

An Imprint of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is
sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional
services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Authors' Note
The Bullying Workbook for Teens is intended for use in conjunction with a counseling professional.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2013 by Raychelle Cassada Lohmann and Julia V. Taylor

Instant Help Books
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Lohmann, Raychelle Cassada.

The bullying workbook for teens : activities to help you deal with social aggression and cyberbullying / Raychelle
Cassada Lohmann, MS, LPC, and Julia V. Taylor, MA.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-60882-450-2 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-451-9 (pdf e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-452-6 (epub) 1.
Aggressiveness in adolescence--Juvenile literature. 2. Bullying--Prevention--Juvenile literature. 3. Cyberbullying--
Prevention--Juvenile literature. I. Taylor, Julia V. II. Title.
BF724.3.A34L64 2013
302.34'30835--dc23
2012047505
Contents
Foreword Vii
Introduction Ix
Activity 1. What Is Bullying? 1
Activity 2. Safety First 5
Activity 3. Ignore, Respond, or Tell 8
Activity 4. Asking For Help 12
Activity 5. Taking Steps Against Cyberbullying 15
Activity 6. Cyberbullying or Not? 19
Activity 7. Private Matters 23
Activity 8. Bullying or Drama? 26
Activity 9. Just Hit Delete 29
Activity 10. Alliances 32
Activity 11. Damage Control 36
Activity 12. Reducing the Stress of Online Attacks 41
Activity 13. Emergency Action Plan 45
Activity 14. Journaling 49
Activity 15. Code Blue Box 52
Activity 16. Special Places 55
Activity 17. Just Breathe 58
Activity 18. Exercise 61
Activity 19. Boosting Your Confidence 65
Activity 20. Clever Comebacks 68
Activity 21. Humor 72
Activity 22. In Control or Not? 77
Q contents
Activity 23. Accepting Yourself 80

Activity 24. Faulty Thinking 83
Activity 25. Reframing Negative Thoughts 86
Activity 26. The Isolation Trap 90
Activity 27. Self-Defeating Speech 93
Activity 28. Depression 96
Activity 29. Expressing Anger 101
Activity 30. Irrational Fear 104
Activity 31. Anxiety 108
Activity 32. Empathy 113
Activity 33. Real Friendships 116
Activity 34. Toxic Friendships 119
Activity 35. Breaking Up with Friends 123
Activity 36. Self-Empowerment 127
Activity 37. Mentors Matter 130
Activity 38. Antibullying Organizations 134
Activity 39. Moving Forward 138
vi
foreword
When I learned that Raychelle Lohmann and Julia Taylor were collaborating on a
workbook to help teens better cope with bullying and cyberbullying, I was immediately
so grateful and so excited.
I’m grateful because these two truly get it. As highly respected professionals in their
fields, they get what it is like to be a teen in today’s world, and they are committed to
being part of the solution. They have clearly poured their valuable resources into this
book to provide you with the tools to know how to handle being bullied, how to cope,
and how to heal. Their commitment to improving the lives of middle and high school
students through relevant, practical strategies has already helped thousands of school
counselors, administrators, teachers, parents, and students.
I’m excited to share this workbook with the thousands of girls I work with through Girl
Talk, a national organization that pairs middle school girls with high school mentors.
Like me, Raychelle Lohmann and Julia Taylor are frustrated by the problem, and our
frustration has led us to our passion. We are committed to developing resources that
empower you to be a key part of the solution.
What I love most about this book is that it meets you precisely where you are and
empowers you to take action. It is clear that the authors know that bullying is not limited
to a select few or happening only in school hallways. They know it’s happening through
various forms of social media, and yet they get that it is sometimes what isn’t said or
done that hurts. They know that at some point we have all felt like we were the only
ones. They also know that there are millions of young people who want to put a stop to
bullying, and that is precisely why this book was written. I wish it had been available
when I was a teenager! I know it would have helped me through my own experience as a
victim of bullying, cyberbullying, and relational aggression.
A quote from Lily Tomlin reminds me of their efforts. “I said, Somebody should do
something about that. Then I realized, I am somebody.” I am thankful that Raychelle
Lohmann and Julia Taylor have chosen to be somebody, and I am confident that what
you learn in this workbook will inspire you to be somebody, too.
—Haley Kilpatrick
Founder and executive director of Girl Talk
Author of The Drama Years: Real Girls Talk about
Surviving Middle School —Bullies, Brands, Body Image, and More
introduction
Dear Reader,
When you walk into class, do you automatically feel like your peers hate you because
they laugh at you or whisper to one another? When you sit down in the cafeteria, do
you feel lonely and undeserving of friendship? Do others refuse to look at you, speak
to you, or include you in their circle of friends? If you ever feel miserable because of
bullying, know that you are not alone and that there is help for you.
My name is Victoria, and I’m twenty years old. In the sixth grade, a group of girls
in my class made the decision to socially isolate me. They spread mean rumors and
mocked me, and they made fun of my hair and clothes. I thought their bullying would
never stop. As a result of their constant harassment, I repeatedly broke out in hives.
The stress often caused me to pass out, and I coughed constantly. I was diagnosed with
post-traumatic stress disorder and began to have suicidal thoughts at the age of twelve.
When I went to high school, things didn’t get much better. Some of the same bullies
from middle school were at it again, and I became the target of cyberbullying.
When I was being bullied, I felt like my life was out of control. I didn’t have friends. I
was hopeless and frequently sick. I thought life was not worth living. But today, life is
completely different! I am happy, healthy, and free from the effects of bullying. I am a
successful college student, and I travel around speaking out against bullying.
Being bullied is not a life sentence. You can move forward, make friends, and be
happy. As you read The Bullying Workbook for Teens, you will gain the tools necessary
to cope with the situation you are now in and to end the bullying. This workbook can
help guide you as you seek support and take the steps to set yourself free from bullies.
Wishing you success,
Victoria DiNatale
what is bullying? 1
you need to know
Bullying is a form of abuse. It is repetitive, aggressive behavior intended to harm
another person.
If you’ve been targeted by a bully, you’ve come to the right place. This workbook
will help you develop the coping strategies and skills you need in order to deal with
bullying. To begin, let’s take a look at the types of bullying, why some people bully,
and how it affects the victim.
What are the types of bullying?
• Verbal: name calling, mocking, threatening, gossiping, or spreading rumors
• Physical: hitting, punching, pushing, stealing personal property, or any other

form of physical aggression
• Social: ignoring, isolating, or excluding peers from social activities
• Psychological: stalking, taunting, harassing, or intimidating
• Cyber: bullying through electronic devices; for example, texting, e-mailing,

IM’ing, posting on social media, or uploading lewd or offensive pictures
Why do people bully others?
• They want to feel popular.
• They are jealous.
• They want to feel powerful.
• They feel threatened.
• They want to escape their problems.
• They feel insecure.
1
activity 1 Q what is bullying?
What are the effects of bullying?
• Emotional problems (such as stress, anger, depression, or anxiety)
• Physical problems (such as headaches, stomach cramps, vomiting, loss of

appetite, or skin breakouts)
• Withdrawal from friends or social activities
• Decline in schoolwork
• Nightmares or poor sleep
2
for you to do
Name the types of bullying you’re experiencing.
Write down what the bully does to you. For example, does the bully repeatedly pick on
you or make fun of you for the same thing?
Why do you think the bully has chosen you?
Tell how bullying is affecting your life.
Tell what you want to achieve by using this workbook.
3
and more to do
Write a letter to a person who is bullying you. Let the bully know how his or her
actions are affecting you. You won’t actually give this letter to the bully, so you can
write openly about what you’re thinking and feeling.
Dear ,
Today I, , am taking the first step to regain control of
my life. You’ve singled me out and picked on me for too long. Enough is enough,
and I won’t take it anymore. I am going to equip myself with the tools I need to work
through my feelings, build my confidence, and cope with bullying.
When you , I feel
(Write down the ways you’re being bullied.)
anxious angry annoyed ashamed scared sad
(Circle all that apply; use the blank line to add other feelings.)
You’ve been doing these things since .
I want you to stop
.
(List the things you want the bully to stop doing to you.)
Remember when
?
(Write about one of your worst experiences with the bully.)
Well, that’s not going to happen again. I am
determined brave confident strong secure fearless
(Circle all that apply; use the blank line to add other feelings.)
and I am taking the power away from you right now.
Confidently,

(your signature)
4
safety first 2
you need to know
What you write in this workbook is confidential. You can explore your thoughts
and feelings in private with one exception: if you think you’re in danger of being
physically hurt by someone or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, get help
immediately. Your safety always comes first.
As you work through this book, you will be asked to explore some very sensitive
and possibly uncomfortable topics. It’s not uncommon to feel vulnerable when
you’re exposing things about yourself that bother you. Sometimes people don’t feel
comfortable talking about things that are troubling them, so they keep their concerns
bottled up even if they’re in danger of being hurt or of harming themselves. But if they
told someone, they might feel better and get the help they need. By acknowledging
your feelings and learning to cope with what’s happening, you’ll become a stronger
person.
It’s going to take time to see the change occur. One good way to make sure you are
working toward change and are keeping yourself safe is by making an agreement with
yourself because your safety comes first.
5
activity 2 Q safety first
for you to do
Create a Safety First Agreement by initialing beside each statement. Use the blank lines
to add your own ideas. Think of trusted adults that you can share your agreement
with (for example, a parent, a teacher, or another trusted adult).
I agree that my safety comes first. I will get help immediately if
I am in physical jeopardy.
I feel threatened.
I begin to panic.
I feel like there is no hope.
I begin to pull away from people and lose interest in things I once enjoyed.
I have thoughts of harming myself.
List the people you will give a copy of your agreement to.
Keep your agreement in a place you can easily get to. Refer to it when you feel like
your safety is in jeopardy.
6
activity 2 Q safety first
and more to do
Copy this statement onto a sheet of paper and sign your name to it. Keep it somewhere
accessible, and reread it often to remind yourself how important your safety is.
Remember: Tell a trusted adult if you ever feel that your safety is in jeopardy.
My safety comes first. I promise that I will get help immediately if I ever
feel like someone is going to hurt me or if I have thoughts of harming
myself. No one has the right to hurt me, and if they do I will report them. I
promise not to harm myself because I am needed and I am loved. I have a
unique purpose in this world, and no one can fill that purpose but me.
7
3 ignore, respond, or tell
you need to know

There are times when you can ignore bullying, times when you should respond,
and times when you should tell a trusted adult. It’s important to know the
difference.
Do you know what to do when you’re in a bullying situation? Do you ignore the
bullying? Do you take a stance and respond? Do you tell? In a tough situation, it can be
hard to decide. Evaluating the bully’s words and actions can help you figure out what
to do.
Start by asking yourself, is the action or comment
• hurtful but not intimidating?
• a onetime offense or repetitive?
• something that can easily be ignored?
• hostile or threatening?
Next, use these guidelines to help you determine which course of action to take:
1. Ignore bullies who are just trying to get a rise out of you, if their words or
actions aren’t a big deal. Some situations are short-lived and die down on their
own.
2. Respond to any action or comment that is not hostile or threatening. Bullies

prefer easy targets, not ones who stand up to them. If you take a stance and
respond, they may pull back and leave you alone, or they may test you to see
whether you’ll cave in. When a bully decides to test you, have a firm comeback,
like “That’s not true,” or “Stop spreading those lies.”
8
activity 3 Q ignore, respond, or tell
3. Tell a trusted adult immediately if your physical safety is being threatened. No

one has the right to harm you, and any threat to do so is serious. Also, tell if
someone has posted sexual material about you online. And finally, tell if you
feel like you’re spiraling into a black hole that you can’t get out of. When you’re
targeted, you may feel like there’s no end in sight, but that’s not true. Adults can
help.
9
for you to do
Write your own personal guidelines for determining the best course of action.
I will ignore bullying when
I will respond to bullying when
I will tell someone when
10
and more to do
Describe a situation when you were bullied and had to choose the best course of
action.
Did you ignore, respond, or tell someone about the bully? Describe in detail the course
of action you took.
11
4 asking for help
you need to know

If you need to ask for help in a bullying situation, it's normal to feel frightened or
ashamed. Most people who told someone actually felt better after telling.
Morgan felt overwhelmed. A group of girls had started a vicious rumor about her being
pregnant, and the rumor had spread like wildfire! Everyone was talking about who the father
was and what Morgan would do about school.
Morgan didn’t know how to convince everyone that it was a lie. She was so embarrassed
that she didn’t want to ask for help, but this was too big for her to handle on her own. She
thought, Maybe I’ll make an appointment with my school counselor. I could take a
friend with me. Or I could talk to my mom. I feel a little funny about doing that,
but I guess I could e-mail her.
She finally got up the courage to tell her mom. To help her remember everything she
wanted to say to her mom, she decided to write it down. Next, to build up her courage, she
practiced reading it in front of her bathroom mirror. I can do this, she thought.
“Mom, can I talk to you about something really important?” Morgan asked. Then she
told her mother about the rumor.
At first her mother was shocked and wanted to know why Morgan hadn’t told her
earlier. Then she sat and listened to her daughter’s painful story.
After Morgan was finished, she thought, Whew, that didn’t go as badly as I thought
it might. And I feel much better!
12
activity 4 Q asking for help
for you to do
Describe a bullying situation you may need help with.
Whom will you tell?
How will you ask for help?
What will you say?
Practice your script, and then ask for help.
13
activity 4 Q asking for help
and more to do
Describe how you felt before you asked for help. For example, were you frightened that
you’d get in trouble or that asking would make things worse?
How did it go?
How did you feel afterward?
Did it play out like you thought it would? Explain what you thought would happen
and what actually happened.
14
taking steps against
cyberbullying 5
you need to know
Cyberbullying is bullying that occurs through the use of computers, cell phones,
and other electronic devices. Because technology allows bullies to harass others
anonymously, victims of cyberbullying may not even know who is responsible. If
you are being cyberbullied, there are many steps you can take to get help.
Cyberbullying can take different forms:
• Threatening someone by e-mail, IM, or text messages, or on social media sites
• Revealing someone’s secrets online to embarrass or humiliate that person
• Gossiping or saying mean things online while pretending to be someone else
• Using a website to make fun of somebody else
• Taking inappropriate photos of someone and posting them online without that
person’s permission
Maria’s story suggests some of the steps you can take.
Maria was concerned that someone had been posing as her online. She had received
threatening messages from another girl that said that Maria had better stop making nasty
comments about her, but she had not actually made any of those comments.
Maria knew that she shouldn’t respond to any of the threats directly, so she told her
father what was going on. He asked whether she had given out her password. Maria
remembered giving a friend one she used a few months ago, so she logged on to all the sites
where she used that password and changed it.
Next, Maria and her father printed out both the messages that were threatening and the
ones that she had supposedly written; that way, even if the girl deleted her messages, Maria
would still have a record of them. Then Maria deleted the comments that had been posted
from her account. She took all the messages to her school the following day so she could
15
activity 5 Q taking steps against cyberbullying
show them to the principal. Her principal contacted the school resource officer who handled
cyberbullying, and she investigated the situation.
It wasn’t easy for Maria to tell her father what was going on, and she was really nervous
about taking the documents to school. However she knew it was the right thing to do and
wanted the bullying to stop.
16
for you to do
Describe a time when you were cyberbullied. Reread the steps Maria took, and decide
what you could have done to prevent the online attack or to stop it from escalating.
Use the space below to write your thoughts.
17
and more to do
Take a stand against cyberbullying. There are many different websites, advocacy
groups, and organizations that help prevent cyberbullying. See whether your school or
community has a club or organization you can get involved with. If not, why not start
your own? Advocacy can help raise your self-esteem and empower others to make a
difference.
18
cyberbullying or not? 6
you need to know
Technology is part of our everyday lives, and most teens are constantly connected.
It can be difficult to walk away from an unpleasant or stressful situation because
technology allows it to follow you everywhere. But not all unpleasant or stressful
situations are cyberbullying.
Online situations that hurt your feelings may be mean, wrong, and completely
unnecessary, but they are not always cyberbullying. Two of the four scenarios below
involve cyberbullying; others do not.
Situation 1
“This girl at school called me a slut online. She is really popular and everybody saw it. I
took my account down and it got worse. Everyone said it must be true since I canceled my
account. The next day it had spilled into school. Now people call me horrible names, boys
make sexual remarks to me, and my friends don’t want to talk to me because they are afraid
everyone will make fun of them, too. This has been happening for two weeks, and I feel like I
can’t escape it.”
Situation 2
“My friends went ice skating and didn’t invite me. They posted pictures of themselves
online and talked about how fun it was.”
19
activity 6 Q cyberbullying or not?
Situation 3
“This boy in math takes pictures of me. He makes me look really ugly and writes mean
things on them, then posts them online. I told my teacher, and he just tells him to put his
phone away, but he never does. I started skipping math and got in trouble at school. Nobody
understands how much this hurts, and I don’t know how to make it stop.”
Situation 4
“My friend and I got into a fight and she called me oversensitive. Then she wrote online:
some people are like so oversensitive—I can’t deal!!!! I know it was about me.”
20
for you to do
For each of the four situations, tell whether you think it represents cyberbullying or
not, and explain your answer.
Situation 1
Situation 2
Situation 3
Situation 4
21
and more to do
If you are in a situation that you define as cyberbullying, it’s important to tell an adult
you trust. Cyberbullying is often ignored or not reported.
How can telling an adult help the situation?
What might keep you from telling an adult?
Make a promise to yourself that you will tell an adult if you are being cyberbullied.
And even if what’s happening is not cyberbullying, you still may want to talk to
someone you trust. Talking truly helps.
22
private matters 7
you need to know
Whether you’ve had the best day or the worst day, you should always think
carefully about what you share online. Nothing online is private. If you wouldn’t
want something posted on a highway billboard, it’s not a good idea to put it
online.
Stacie and Tanisha disagreed about something minor at the movies on Saturday night.
Tanisha didn’t think it was a big deal, so she didn’t apologize. She thought that if she didn’t
bring it up again, Stacie would forget about it.
To Stacie, it was a big deal. She went home and posted “Tanisha is such a selfish bitch”
on a social media site. Within minutes, people were commenting and asking what had
happened. Four other people from school quickly reposted it, and by Sunday morning, the
original post had been shared twelve times.
Tanisha was furious with Stacie for making her the subject of gossip at school. Stacie had
done serious damage to their friendship.
23
activity 7 Q private matters
for you to do
Read the statements below and circle “Public” or “Private” to indicate whether you
think the statement is something you should share online or keep offline. Then,
explain why you chose your answer.
“First home game tomorrow … this one better not be rained out.”
Public Private
Why
“I've had the worst day ever and nobody cares.”
Public Private
Why
“Luv my bestie. XOXO”
Public Private
Why
“Things I HATE: snow, teachers, and HER.”
Public Private
Why
“happy birthday ho! :) jk love you!”
Public Private
Why
24
activity 7 Q private matters
and more to do
It’s important to have an outlet to express your emotions, but in this era of social
media, it’s easy to forget that you can express yourself privately. The next time you feel
like making an unnecessary announcement online, write about it on a piece of paper
instead. After you have written down all of your thoughts and feelings, rip up the
piece of paper and throw it away.
25
8 bullying or drama?
you need to know

It’s easy to dismiss bullying as drama even when it’s not. It can be scary to admit
if you are being bullied, and people who don’t own up to bullying often say, “Oh,
it’s just drama.”
Bullying and drama are very different. Drama is often associated with petty behavior,
misinterpretations, exaggerated feelings, rumors, gossip, and the inability to let go
of something small. Bullying may involve those, but it goes further. It is a repeated,
hostile behavior intended to hurt someone physically, emotionally, or both. Read the
two situations below:
1. Janelle walks into her first-period science class, and two girls in the back of the room
are whispering. When they spot Janelle, they stop. All morning, Janelle worries that
they were talking about her, and she tells her friends about the situation, completely
embellishing it. At lunchtime, Janelle eats with a teacher. By fifth period, everyone is
spreading rumors that Janelle wants to fight the two girls.
2. Janelle hates going to her first-period science class because two girls in the class have
been harassing her since school started. They throw things at her back, call her fat, and
kick her chair, and they have even knocked her books off her desk. It’s November, and she
can’t take it anymore. She eats lunch with a teacher every day so the girls can’t sit near
her in the cafeteria and do the same thing.
The first situation is drama because Janelle has created a scenario that doesn’t exist.
The second is bullying. It involves repeated physical and emotional abuse that requires
adult intervention.
The best way to stop drama is to stay out of it, although that may be easier said than
done. Most of the time, you are aware of the people in your life who cause the most
drama. If you find yourself in a situation that could easily turn to drama, try to remove
yourself from it. You have more power than you think.
26
activity 8 Q bullying or drama?
for you to do
Describe a situation that comes to mind when you think about the term “drama.”
Describe a situation that comes to mind when you think about the term “bullying.”
How are these situations similar?
How are they different?
27
activity 8 Q bullying or drama?
and more to do
List the people you know who cause the most drama.
Think of a situation you were in that involved drama. How could you have removed
yourself from that scenario?
How could you have avoided becoming involved with the drama?
Sometimes drama is not your fault or is out of your control. List two people you trust
who you can talk to about this situation.
28
just hit delete 9
you need to know
It’s easy to get caught up in online drama and to post things without thinking.
But whatever the situation, it’s never okay to be mean, and acting that way could
come back to haunt you.
You may be frustrated and want to write about the bad day you’ve had. You may be
caught up in a fight that has nothing to do with you. Or you may be tempted to “like”
or respond to an online statement that was intended to bully someone.
When you get the urge to attack someone online, it’s best to just step back and try to
cool off.
But what if you’ve already written things that, in hindsight, you wish you hadn’t? For
example, maybe you posted a negative comment when you were upset with a teacher
after you got a bad grade on a test. Or an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend started dating
someone new and you wrote something derogatory about the other person. Although
all online content has potential for permanence, you can still go back and delete what
you can.
29
activity 9 Q just hit delete
for you to do
List all the social media sites you have an account on.
Log on to each site and read your posts. For any post that is a private matter, an online
attack, or simply unnecessary, take a deep breath and hit delete. If you have photos
that are unnecessary, you may want to delete those too.
30
activity 9 Q just hit delete
and more to do
Social media is fun and a great way to engage with friends, keep up with current
events, and see what’s going on with distant family members. But sometimes it can
consume your life. Recent studies have shown that teens who spent a lot of hours on
social media sites are more likely to be depressed or anxious, or to struggle with body
image issues.
Do you think you can go a day without social media? What about a week? Set a
reasonable goal for yourself, and give yourself a break. Afterward, write about how it
felt.
31
10 alliances
you need to know
Alliances can be extremely helpful in combating bullying. Your allies can defend
you, counteract what’s being said, and, most importantly, be there for you when
you need them.
Watch any competition-style reality show on TV, and you’ll notice that participants
form alliances to win the game. An alliance is a group of people who have your back
and will stand behind you in the midst of a crisis. Paige’s story is an example of how
an alliance can help in bullying situations.
Paige was the target of a cyberbully who harassed, humiliated, and threatened her by sending
hate messages, starting rumors, and posting inappropriate pictures of her online. Tired and
depressed, Paige decided to take matters into her own hands. She’d recently watched a TV
show in which the contestants formed an alliance to win the game. It’s time to form an
alliance, Paige thought. She used the same tactics as the contestants in the show had:
1. Pick your allies.
Paige identified the three friends she could trust most.
2. Ask them to be in your alliance.
Paige texted her friends and asked them to come to her house.
3. Develop a plan of action.
Once Paige and her friends were together, she told them what was happening. Her
friends were upset and agreed to defend her against the bully. Paige didn’t want to attack
the bully because she knew that would just make the situation worse. The group decided
to start posting kind and uplifting messages on Paige’s site. They agreed if they heard a
rumor they would try to squelch it by telling people it wasn’t true.
32
activity 10 Q alliances
4. Keep the lines of communication open.
Paige agreed to communicate often with her allies. They openly talked, texted, and
defended each other online and offline.
Together Paige and her allies made a great team!
33
for you to do
Describe how an alliance can help you in a specific bullying situation.
Now get ready to form your own alliance.
Whom will you ask to be in your alliance?
How will you ask them?
What plan will you suggest?
How often will you communicate?
What other situations can you use your alliance for?
34
and more to do
Monitoring your plan is important to help you make sure that what you’re doing is
actually working. If your plan isn’t working, you can go back to the drawing board and
change it. After one week, revisit this activity and record the following information.
Describe how well your plan is working.
Write down anything you need to change about your plan. For example, do you need
to add more people? Do you need to communicate more?
35
11 damage control
you need to know
Your reputation is the perception that others have of you, and it’s important. If
you find yourself in an online situation that affects your reputation, it's time for
damage control.
Have you ever seen a shipping box labeled “Handle with Care”? You know there’s
something fragile in that box. Just like the box’s contents, your reputation is fragile.
There may be things said about you that hurt your reputation, but damage control can
help fix it.
Your reputation is important today, and it will continue to be important as you get
older. Employers, college admissions counselors, and other people can check out your
online information. Negative things about you online could skew their opinion of you,
which might hurt your chances of getting a part-time job or, worse yet, getting into the
college of your dreams. But don’t worry; if your online reputation isn’t good you can
do some damage control and fix it. You can begin by using these tips to help you clean
it up.
• Remove all negative comments or posts.
• Block people who are unkind online.
• Report any abuse to site operators.
• If you’ve made a mistake, apologize. A simple “I’m sorry, I was wrong” or

“Sorry that I hurt you” can go a long way.
• Don’t attack others. Two wrongs don’t make a right and can lead to more
problems.
• If a rumor has been started, and you feel the need to respond, keep it simple.
Something like “That’s not true” will suffice.
36
activity 11 Q damage control
• Get friends and even family involved. Let your friends know what’s going on so
they can take your side by posting positive things about you.
• Periodically search for your name online. This will help you keep an eye on
what’s out there about you.
37
for you to do
Using the strategies for online damage control, help these people repair their
reputations.
Miranda accidentally hit “Reply All” to a message her friend had sent to a group of twenty
people. Her nasty comment was intended to go only to her friend, but instead it went to all
twenty people—including the person she was making fun of.
List some damage control strategies for Miranda to try.
Max and Lucas were friends until they both started to like Emily. Lucas got jealous when
Emily started to pay more attention to Max. He began to alter pictures of Max and post
them. Max heard that there were derogatory pictures of him online. Since he was no longer
part of Lucas’s social networking group, he couldn’t access the pictures, so he asked a friend
who could to pull up the site. What he saw crushed him. Right there for all of Lucas's 400+
friends to see were pictures of Max’s body that had clearly been photoshopped. Below each
picture was a string of insulting comments.
List some damage control strategies for Max to try.
38
Describe how Lucas’s actions are affecting his online reputation.
List some strategies Lucas could use to clean up his reputation.
39
and more to do
Describe a situation that damaged your reputation.
Describe how you handled it.
What are some strategies that might have helped?
Do an Internet search on your name. List what you found. If you found something
negative, what can you do to repair the damage?
40
reducing the stress of
online attacks 12
you need to know
People can be mean for a variety of reasons. You may not have control over
what people say or do, but you do have control over how you react.
It isn’t simple to “unplug” from all forms of technology, and it’s nearly impossible
to ignore someone who is being mean to you. Sometimes it’s easy to personalize a
situation and blow it out of proportion in your head, seeing or creating a problem that
doesn’t exist. But remember, although you may have no control over what happened,
you do have control over how you react. Your actions and attitudes can reduce the
stress caused by online attacks.
These strategies can help:
• Don’t blame yourself for someone else’s poor behavior.
• Acknowledge your feelings. It’s normal to feel angry, upset, frustrated, and
more when you are the target of an online attack, especially if one of your
friends is the attacker.
• Tell someone how you are feeling. Talking about situations that are bothering
you is a helpful outlet.
• If your friends keep bringing up the situation, ask them to stop. You can
politely, yet assertively, let them know that you don’t want to talk about it.
• No matter how much you want to retaliate, don’t. Trying to get back at someone
often causes the situation to escalate.
• Limit the time you spend on sites that provoke unpleasant feelings. Better yet,
don’t go to these sites at all. You ultimately choose where you spend your time
online; choose wisely.
41
activity 12 Q reducing the stress of online attacks
for you to do
Following are two situations that would evoke a stress reaction for most people. Using
the stress-reduction strategies above, write about how you would take control of each
situation.
Your friend started dating your ex. You said it was fine, but it really wasn’t, and she knows
it bothers you. Besides the daily torture of seeing them together at school, she is constantly
posting things about their relationship online that irritate you.
What is stress-inducing about this situation?
If this happened to you, what could you do to control your reactions?
42
Every time you and your friend disagree about something, she blocks you online. When you
confront her about it, she says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about; it must have been a
mistake.” You know it wasn’t a mistake.
What is stress-inducing about this situation?
If this happened to you, what could you do to control your reactions?
43
and more to do
It can be hard to talk about your feelings, but identifying what you are actually feeling
and talking about it can help. Read the feelings words below, and circle the ones you’ve
experienced. Next time you’re feeling that way, try to talk about it with a friend, a
family member, or trusted adult. Add your own feelings words if you wish.
Afraid Flustered Perplexed
Aggravated Frustrated Rattled
Ambivalent Furious Regretful
Angry Guilty Resentful
Anxious Helpless Self-conscious
Apathetic Hopeless Sensitive
Appalled Impatient Suspicious
Ashamed Insecure Uncomfortable
Baffled Irritated Uneasy
Confused Jealous Unsettled
Depressed Lonely Vulnerable
Detached Mistrustful Weary
Devastated Nervous Worried
Discouraged Overwhelmed
Embarrassed Panicked
44
emergency action plan 13
you need to know
When people panic, they don’t think clearly. They let their emotions drive their
actions, which can lead to big trouble. That’s why it’s important to have an
emergency action plan ready to follow when you get into tough situations.
Marc couldn’t think straight. His heart was racing, and he was having a hard time catching
his breath. Seconds earlier, he had gone online only to find a conversation happening
between him and his girlfriend, Nicole—only he wasn’t typing it. Someone had hacked
into his account and was bashing him. What am I going to do? Marc thought. Then he
remembered his emergency action plan, the one his school counselor id in his health class
one day:
These feelings trigger my panic:
Out of control, fear, stress, helplessness
When I panic, my body gives me these warning signs:
Racing heart, can’t breathe, sweating
To calm down, I can:
Take deep breaths, go outside, go for a walk
I can reach out to these people:
Mom, Coach, Jake, Chloe
Here are some things others can do to help me:
Listen and don’t interrupt. Remind me that it’s going to be okay. Help me come up with
a plan to fix the problem.
45
activity 13 Q emergency action plan
Marc took five deep, slow breaths and then called his friend, Chloe.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
After Marc explained what had happened, Chloe suggested, "change your settings and
block whoever this is. Does anybody have your password? Call Nicole and let her know
what's going on. You'll be fine.”
As Marc listened to Chloe, he began to calm down. He was finally able to breathe again
and to think more clearly. “Thanks, Chloe. You’re the best!” he said.
46
for you to do
With an emergency action plan in place, you won’t have to think about how to
respond; instead you’ll be ready to act. Create your own plan by answering the
questions below. Next copy your plan onto a separate sheet of paper and put it in a
place that is easily accessible. Use your plan to guide you in emergency situations.
These feelings and thoughts trigger my panic:
When I panic, my body gives me these warning signs:
To calm down, I can:
I can reach out to these people:
Here are some things others can do to help me:
47
and more to do
Make copies of your plan. If you have someone you trust, you can choose to share your
plan with him or her. Also place copies in some spots that you can get to easily, like
your binder, locker, and backpack, or near your computer.
Write down all the places where you are going to place your emergency action plan,
and put a check next to each once you put it there.
48
journaling 14
you need to know
Keeping a personal journal is a great way to express your thoughts and feelings.
It also helps you sort through things that are bothering you.
Amaris couldn’t hold her feelings in anymore. She went to her school counselor for help. “I get
so worried and paranoid when people talk about me. Sometimes I even find myself believing the
things they say about me,” Amaris said. She sighed sadly. “I just want everyone to like me.”
“Sounds like a difficult situation, Amaris,” her counselor said. “Have you ever written about
your feelings in a journal? Journaling can help you work through what’s going on in your life.”
“But I’m not good at writing down how I feel,” Amaris replied.
“I understand. It’s hard to write down your innermost thoughts and feelings, but there
are some things you can try to make it easier. You could write them in a letter that you
won’t actually give to anyone. Pretending to write a letter to someone may help you see your
situation from a different angle—and it may not seem so worrisome. The cool thing is that
there are no rules to journaling, except the ones you make up. No one’s going to grade or judge
your writing style. You don’t have to follow any grammar rules, like you do in school. You can
use a notebook or loose-leaf binder, pencil or colorful pens; you can draw pictures or write in
code. Whatever you do, pick a style that fits you.”
That evening Amaris was feeling stressed. Instead of worrying about it, she grabbed some
paper and started to write..
Dear Self,
Can you believe the week we’ve had? I feel like I am running on empty because I
haven’t slept much this week. When I close my eyes, I replay everything over and
over again in my head. I can’t believe that I’m letting others tear me apart like this.
I’ve got to get a hold of myself …
Twenty minutes later, Amaris put down the pen and looked at the pages she had written.
Wow, it feels as if a weight has been lifted off me. I didn’t realize how much I was
holding in, she thought.
49
activity 14 Q journaling
for you to do
Write a letter to yourself expressing your thoughts and feelings.
Dear Self,
50
activity 14 Q journaling
and more to do
For the next week, keep a journal about what’s going on in your life. Try to write at
least three times during the week. Since you’re writing down your private thoughts
and feelings, keep your journal in a safe place.
51
15 code blue box
you need to know
Whether it’s a stuffed animal, a sentimental card, a picture, or a trinket, we all
have special things that bring us comfort in life. These items often have happy
memories attached to them, and they help us feel good when we’re around
them.
Regan was feeling down because her so-called friends were picking on her and excluding her
from their conversations and outings. She used to be in with them, but not anymore. They
were intentionally trying to make her feel bad. She felt so lonely and isolated.
One day her sister, Hannah, told her, “What you need is a Code Blue Box.”
“What’s that?” Regan asked.
“It’s a box of ‘feel-good’ things, stuff that helps you feel better when you’ve got a case of
the blues. I’ll show you mine.”
One by one, Hannah held up these items:
• A Valentine’s Day card from their grandmother
• A family picture
• Her favorite poem
• A piece of fabric from her baby blanket
• A picture Regan had drawn when she was five years old
• The locket their dad had given her
“Oh, I can see how this box could really help,” Regan said.
“It does. When I’m down, it helps me remember all the special people in my life. Why
don’t we put one together for you?”
“Let’s do it!” Regan said.
52
activity 15 Q code blue box
for you to do
Create your own Code Blue Box. Here’s what you’ll need:
• A box with a lid (for example, a shoe box)
• Markers or colored pencils
• Scissors
• Construction paper, wrapping paper, or fabric
• Glue
Decorate your box and gather some special items to put in it.
53
activity 15 Q code blue box
and more to do
List each item you placed in your Code Blue Box. Beside each item, describe the
significance it has in your life.
The next time you’re feeling down, grab your Code Blue Box and go through it. Recall
the special memories, and give yourself a pick-me-up. You can continue to add items or
change them as time goes by.
54
special places 16
you need to know
We all need to escape reality every now and then. When we need to get away
but can’t, we feel trapped. A mental vacation to a special place is one way to
break free and escape our everyday problems.
Brad pulled up a text and buried his head. Brad looked at the text he had just received and
felt as though he wanted to cry. Another mean text, and another unknown number. Will it
ever stop? I just need to get away, he thought. Suddenly, his fourth-grade teacher, Ms.
Miller, popped into his head.
One day when some of the kids in his class were having a hard time settling down, Ms.
Miller had said, “Let’s all go on a mental vacation. Think of a place that’s special to you. It
could be a place your family vacations, your uncle’s house, or a private spot that you retreat
to. Wherever it is, it makes you feel good on the inside when you go there.” She passed out
construction paper and markers, and the class began to draw their special places.
Brad remembered his picture; in fact, he still had it. He reached into a drawer and took
it out. In it, he was sitting on top of the mountain near his grandparents’ house. He could
already feel the scene pulling him ….
He closed his eyes, and he was hiking up the mountain to a big rock. The sun shone on
his face, and its warmth felt good. He could hear the waterfall below, and above his head
birds soared over the treetops. The air smelled of fresh pine and new foliage. It was pure
freedom. Up there, the world seemed so small, and nothing else mattered.
Brad opened his eyes and took a deep breath. For the first time in a long while, he felt at
peace. I need to do that more often, he thought.
55
activity 16 Q special places
for you to do
Where is your special place? Where does your mind go when you need a break? It’s
okay if it’s a fictional place or a place you’ve never been to but want to visit someday.
All that matters is that it’s your special place and your escape from reality.
Describe your special place.
Next, get comfortable and relaxed. Take a deep breath, and let your imagination tug
you from reality to your place. Pay attention to how you feel. Focus on your senses: the
sounds, tastes, scenery, things you can touch, and scents.
Describe what you experienced with each of your senses.
Tell how you felt when you were in your special place.
56
activity 16 Q special places
and more to do
Make something that reminds you of your special place. Here are some ideas:
• Draw a scene.
• Paint a picture.
• Create a collage.
• Start a scrapbook.
Put your artwork somewhere easy to remember. The next time you need a break, grab
your work and take a mental vacation to your special place.
57
17 just breathe
you need to know
Sometimes when people are bullied they become stressed and their breathing
becomes shallower. When that happens, oxygen doesn’t get to the brain quickly;
which can make you feel more panicked. The good news is that stress can be
eased with proper breathing.
The hustle and bustle of everyday life can cause you to feel stressed. In stressful times,
it’s important to slow down and take deep breaths. Deep breathing has many benefits.
Just check out what those deep breaths can do for you:
• Increase your energy level
• Reduce your muscle tension
• Improve your blood circulation
• Improve your skin’s appearance
• Help you sleep better
So the next time you feel stressed, remember to breathe deeply.
58
activity 17 Q just breathe
for you to do
Practice deep breathing. Here’s what you’ll need to do:
1. Find a comfortable place that’s free from distraction.
2. Turn off anything that might make noise.
3. Sit or lie in a comfortable position.
4. Close your eyes, and imagine having a big bubble wand in your hand. Take a
deep, deep breath. Now slowly release all the air from your lungs, and fill that
bubble. Imagine blowing the world’s biggest bubble. Repeat.
5. Watch your bubbles drift off into space.
6. Repeat this exercise until you feel completely relaxed.
59
activity 17 Q just breathe
and more to do
Describe how your body felt after taking really deep breaths.
What thoughts were you having as you watched your bubbles drift away?
Give this a try: Take three quick, shallow breaths. Now take three slow, deep breaths.
Describe how the shallow breaths made you feel in comparison to the deep ones.
Describe times in your life when this deep breathing technique could be helpful.
60
exercise 18
you need to know
Exercise is extremely important. Not only is physical activity essential for your
health, but it can also help clear your mind and improve your mood.
Did you know that just thirty minutes of physical activity a day can stimulate brain
chemicals that help calm you down and relax? If you avoid exercise or have never
been an athlete, you just need a physical activity that works for you and fits into your
schedule.
Some activities require special equipment or an organized group, and you can check
to see if there are facilities in your community. You probably won’t find snow skiing
in Florida, and it’s not likely that there is a lot of horseback riding in the heart of New
York City—but there is a form of exercise for everyone. The key is finding what suits
you, what you can commit to, and what you truly enjoy so you are more likely to keep
it up. If all else fails, you can always turn on your music and dance!
61
activity 18 Q exercise
for you to do
Circle any activities below that you currently do or are willing to try. Use the blank
lines to add other activities.
Aerobics Hockey Skiing
Archery Horseback riding Sledding
Badminton Jogging Soccer
Baseball Jumping jacks Softball
Basketball Kayaking Stretching
Bowling Lacrosse Surfing
Boxing Martial arts Swimming
Canoeing Mowing lawns Tennis
Cheerleading Pilates Volleyball
Cycling Push-ups Walking
Dancing Racquetball Washing cars
Diving Raking lawns Weight lifting
Fishing Rock climbing Yoga
Football Rope jumping Other
Frisbee Rowing machine
Gardening Running
Golf Sit-ups
Gymnastics Skateboarding
Hiking Skating (roller or ice)
62
Of all the activities you circled, which can you commit to on a regular basis (at least
thirty minutes a day, five days a week)?
What activity on the list have you always wanted to try, but haven’t for one reason or
another?
What obstacles might you face when trying to be more physically active?
Has anything or anyone ever stopped you from exercising (for example, your self-
confidence, your coordination level, or your athletic ability)? Write down what
happened.
Keep in mind, you don't have to be a star athlete to be active.
63
and more to do
Pick one day a week to make an activity schedule. On that day, list what you are going
to do during the upcoming week, when you are going to do it, and for how long. For
example:
Day Time Activity
Monday 4:30–5:15 Walk around the

neighborhood
Tuesday Day off
Wednesday 5–5:30 Swim laps
Thursday 7–8 Yoga
Friday 6–6:30 Mix it up: jumping jacks,

running in place, stretching
Saturday 2:00-4:00 Play basketball with friends
Sunday Day off
Keep a record of your activity (you can use a simple spiral notebook), and note your
mood before and after exercise. Try not to be intimidated, and remember that it
sometimes takes a while to find what you truly enjoy.
64
boosting your confidence 19
you need to know
Being bullied, being treated poorly, or fighting with a friend can take a real toll
on your confidence. In these situations, it’s easy to forget the important qualities
you have. But, like everyone else, you have strengths and characteristics that
make you unique.
Stupid! Ugly! Worthless! were the names that James repeated to himself. He had heard
these words time and time again at school and online. It seemed as if no one liked him, and
he was beginning not to like himself either. His confidence was shrinking, and he knew he
was doing more harm than good by constantly focusing on the negative. Yet he couldn’t stop
checking what others were posting about him online.
His brother, Kyle, walked into his room one night when he was online. James had his
head in his hands and was crying.
“What’s up?” Kyle asked.
James lifted his head and quickly brushed away his tears. “Nothing.”
Kyle walked over and looked at the screen. “Oh, man, is that crap still going on? Why do
you get on there all the time when all it’s doing is tearing you apart? Have some confidence
in yourself. Think about what you're good at and what makes you stand apart from others.”
James smiled. “You sound like Mom, Kyle,” he said, but he knew his brother was right.
65
activity 19 Q boosting your confidence
for you to do
Respond to the questions that follow by writing down all the amazing things about
yourself. You probably have more great qualities than you even realize! When you
are finished, bookmark this page and add to it when you’re feeling down. If you need
more space, you can use a separate sheet of paper.
What would your family say are the five best things about you?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
What is your strongest character trait?
If you asked your friends to describe you, what is the top thing they would say?
Write about a time you did something kind for a friend.
Write about a time you made a mistake and overcame it.
What are you really, really good at?
66
activity 19 Q boosting your confidence
and more to do
Create your own personal inspiration center. You can use a corkboard with pushpins
or a piece of poster board and tape. Cut out words, images, or quotes that inspire you,
and gather awards, fun photos, or nice notes that others have written to you. Arrange
them any way you’d like, and add to them often.
67
20 clever comebacks
you need to know
Clever comebacks are witty responses that can leave bullies speechless
because they weren’t expecting you to say anything back. They can be effective
in taking a stand against bullying, but you have to know how to use them.
Here are some dos and don’ts to follow when using clever comebacks:
Do
• Take time to think before you react to a bully, especially online. You don’t want
to give the bully any ammunition to use against you.
• If you’re face-to-face, keep your expression neutral so that your feelings are not
revealed. If you’re online, try to stay as cool as possible in your responses, rather
than showing how the bully’s words are affecting you.
• Appear confident.
• Stand up for yourself both online and in person. It’s okay to say things such as
“Stop” or “That’s not true.”
Don’t
• Respond out of emotion. Lashing out in anger can actually backfire on you, both
online and in person.
• Insert insults into the conversation.
• Raise your voice. If you’re online, don’t use all caps when you type; this is like
shouting and can be taken the wrong way.
• Make threats or call the bully names, either online or in person.
• Physically attack the bully.
• Use a comeback if someone is threatening your physical safety. Physical threats
should be reported immediately.
68
activity 20 Q clever comebacks
Here are some examples of how to use clever comebacks both online and in person:
Insult: UR such a moron.
Comeback: Ha ha. 2 funny. Time 2 grow up.
Insult: You’re so stupid your IQ doesn’t even register.
Comeback: Unless you want to compare GPAs, I’d recommend minding your own
business.
Insult: UR so ugly put a bag over ur face.
Comeback: Really? That’s the best u got?
Insult: You've got no friends.
Comeback: Mature, real mature. I am finished with this conversation.
69
for you to do
Write down at least five hurtful things someone has said to you. For each, write a
clever comeback.
1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.
4. 4.
5. 5.
After writing down your comebacks, practice them in front of a mirror and say
them like you mean them. If you like, find an adult or friend to practice them with.
Practicing ahead of time will help you feel more confident and ready to respond if you
need to.
70
and more to do
Brainstorm some clever comebacks ahead of time. That way you’ll have them ready
to use when you need them. Create a clever comeback to each of the following put-
downs.
Text: i h8 yr guts.
Comeback:
Face-to-face: Stupid snitch!
Comeback:
Face-to-face: Crybaby!
Comeback:
Text: UR a piece of crap.
Comeback:
Post: You need to get a life loser!
Comeback:
71
21 humor
you need to know
Humor can help you deal with the stress that results from being bullied. When
you are in a difficult situation, you can choose to look at things negatively, or you
can try to find the humor in what is happening.
It’s amazing how looking for the humor in life can make you feel better! Laughing
something off can
• decrease stress
• improve your mood
• increase your confidence
• improve your health
• improve friendships
Being in a slump can
• increase stress
• increase your chances of getting sick
• make you doubt yourself
• keep you from wanting to do things you usually enjoy
• keep you fixated on what’s bothering you
• keep you from spending time with others
72
activity 21 Q humor
Look at how Shannon used humor to help her:
Imani was jealous of Shannon for being a better singer. In chorus, she’d do things to irk
Shannon. One day she pulled Shannon’s chair out from behind her, so Shannon fell when
she went to sit down. The whole class erupted in laughter, and Shannon’s pride was hurt. To
make matters worse, Imani filmed the incident on her phone and posted it online.
The last thing Shannon wanted was to give Imani the satisfaction of knowing that she’d
embarrassed her. So Shannon logged on to her site and posted:
“The funniest thing happened! I accidentally missed the chair and fell on my butt—in
front of everybody!!! But don’t worry if you missed it. Thanks to Imani it was all caught on
tape. GR8 footage Imani! LOL.”
The next day at school, people came up to Shannon and laughed with her about the
incident.
73
activity 21 Q humor
for you to do
Read Cole's story below and write two different endings.
Cole was eating ice cream when a group of guys came up from behind and one of them
pushed his face into his ice cream. As he lifted his head, he heard someone yell, “Say cheese!”
One of the guys snapped a picture on his phone. Minutes later, the photo had made its way
online and had been shared over forty times.
Finish the story in a way that shows Cole letting his negative thoughts take over.
Finish the story in a way that shows Cole using humor.
Which reaction will help Cole more, and why?
74
activity 21 Q humor
Now share a time when you used humor to cope with a situation.
1. Describe the situation.
2. Describe how you used humor.
3. Tell how using humor affected your feelings about the situation.
75
activity 21 Q humor
and more to do
Humorous things happen all the time, but often we don’t notice them. For the next
week, pay special attention to the funny things that happen around you, whether on
TV, in real life, or online. Mark this page so you can record all the things you notice.
Day Situation What Was Funny
Did you notice more humorous things than you normally do? Explain.
76
in control or not? 22
you need to know
Wouldn't it be cool if you had a remote control that could make a bully stop
saying or doing hurtful things? Unfortunately, you can’t control what others
say and do. However, you can control your own actions, and sometimes your
response is enough to stop a bully in his or her tracks.
Caleb was tired of being the brunt of jokes. He was harassed not only in the hallways of
school but also online. Texts from unknown numbers, anonymous posts, bashing on various
sites; would it ever end?
Feeling worthless and like his life was going down the drain, Caleb finally told his
baseball coach what was going on. The coach listened, then offered Caleb a few words of
advice: “Caleb, most often we have no control over people or events around us, but we do
have control over how we react to them. So instead of wishing things would change, ask
yourself these two questions: What do I have control over in this situation? What can I do to
make it better?”
Next, Caleb’s coach gave him an idea: “Could you get your friends to post some positive
things about you online? Maybe if the bully sees you have the support of others, he’ll back
off.”
“Great idea!” Caleb exclaimed, as he grabbed his things and ran out the door. As soon as
Caleb got home, he asked his friends to help him. As more people started to defend Caleb, the
bully started to back down. Hey, this is cool, Caleb thought.
Caleb had learned a lesson: while there’s a lot that you don’t have control over in life,
there’s a lot that you do.
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activity 22 Q in control or not?
for you to do
For each of these situations, circle whether or not you have control.
Control No Control Someone posts something mean about you.
Control No Control You lash out against someone and post mean things
about that person.
Control No Control A group of people starts to exclude you when they hang
out.
Control No Control You create a website to get people to stop bullying.
Control No Control Someone uploads a vulgar picture of you.
Control No Control You begin to stand up for yourself.
Control No Control Someone hacked into your email.
Control No Control You give out your online password.
Control No Control Someone takes your private information and uses it

against you.
Control No Control You post a picture of someone online without that

person’s consent.
Do you notice a pattern? Every situation that begins with “You” is within your control
because you are in control. You probably also noticed that some of those situations
aren’t positive, like posting a picture without the person’s consent. In life, you’ll be
faced with many negative situations. The key is to understand what you have control
over and avoid the consequences associated with making a poor decision. And when
you realize that you control your own actions, you can make sure those actions are
good ones.
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activity 22 Q in control or not?
and more to do
List some things in life that you have no control over, but wish you did.
Explain how not having control of these situations makes you feel.
Imagine letting go of your wish to control these things and focusing instead on what
you do have control over. Explain how it feels to release your need to control things
you can’t control.
Describe how knowing what you do and don’t have control over can help in life.
79
23 accepting yourself
you need to know
Sometimes, bullies target your differences—the unique qualities you have
that make you who you are. Bullies may make fun of your race, size, sexual
orientation, looks, or socioeconomic class. They may try to make you feel like
less of a person because of these traits. You’re not. They may make you feel as
if you have to change or try to be someone you’re not. You don’t.
Madison has a head of curly hair that is sometimes untamable. On days when it is really
humid, she always wears it in a ponytail because her curls expand. A particular group of
girls constantly make racist remarks about it when it’s in a ponytail or ask to touch it. When
that happens, Madison reminds herself that her hair is just like her mom’s and that she is
proud of it.
Jonathan loves fashion design and is an exceptional artist. He aspires to go to college and
be a runway designer. The kids in his social studies class make fun of the way he talks and
always laugh when he asks the teacher a question. They tease him about his sketchbook.
When that happens, Jonathan tells himself what a creative person he is.
Like many teenagers, Krista has acne. She no longer wants to be on her soccer team because
the girls always make fun of her. They say things like “Don’t touch her. It’s catching!” She
is always excluded and has no friends or allies on her team. When she feels that way, she
thinks about her older sister, who used to break out a lot but now has perfectly clear skin.
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activity 23 Q accepting yourself
for you to do
Has anyone ever made you feel bad about yourself because of your appearance,
behavior, or something else about you? Write about what happened.
List some ways that you can be more accepting of who you are.
Have you ever made fun of others because of how they look? If you have, explain why.
How did it make you feel afterward?
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activity 23 Q accepting yourself
and more to do
Think about all the qualities you have that are unique to you. For example, can you
play the piano? Are you on the honor roll at school? Can you bake exceptionally well?
Do you look exactly like a family member you admire? Make a list, the longer the
better, of your unique traits that nobody else has and that make you the incredible
person you are.
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faulty thinking 24
you need to know
It’s easy to exaggerate a situation and fall into a pattern of faulty thinking. This
behavior isn’t uncommon, particularly if you’re accustomed to being a bully’s
target. However, the reality is that some things actually are just all in your head.
Kelly had recently started to hang out with a new group of girls. One day when they were
leaving school, one of the girls said, “See you later,” and the others all nodded. But Kelly
didn’t know about any plans for getting together. She was worried that her new friends were
mad at her, and all evening she wondered what they were doing. She was so upset that she
was unable to eat dinner or do her homework. All she could think about was why they had
left her out.
The next day, she gave her new group of friends the cold shoulder and sat alone during
lunch. Finally, one of the girls approached and asked whether she was okay. Kelly burst into
tears and walked away.
Later that day, Kelly confided in another friend, who told the girls why she had acted so
strangely. One of Kelly’s new friends rushed over to explain that Kelly was not really being
excluded; it was just that all the other girls played volleyball and that the previous evening
was their team party.
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activity 24 Q faulty thinking
for you to do
Complete the following statements.
A time I thought the worst of a situation was
Thinking the worst affected me physically by .
Thinking the worst affected me socially by .
Thinking the worst affected me emotionally by .
Thinking the worst affected my family by .
Thinking the worst affected my friends by .
In reality, this is what happened:
This is what I’ll do differently the next time I get caught up in faulty thinking:
Worrying never accomplishes much. The next time you find yourself in a faulty
thinking pattern, take a deep breath and confront your worries. You may find that
your “problem” isn’t really a problem at all. It’s all about how you see it.
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activity 24 Q faulty thinking
and more to do
Talk to a close friend or someone in your family about faulty thinking. Ask the person
you choose to describe a time when he or she experienced faulty thinking.
Describe the situation.
What did this person think the outcome would be?
What was the actual outcome?
What did you learn from this person’s experience?
85
25 reframing negative thoughts
you need to know
Thoughts are constantly and automatically going through our heads. We then
make assumptions and interpretations of those automatic thoughts that influence
how we feel and act. Not all the assumptions and interpretations we make are
true, and recognizing errors in our thinking can help us feel better and act the
way we want to.
Self-bashing is when you beat yourself up and play negative messages over and over in
your head. These messages might involve names others call you or how you feel about
yourself. You can learn to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
For as long as he could remember, Kurt had been told he was stupid and useless. Each
time he replayed those messages in his head, Kurt felt horrible. He couldn’t stand to look at
himself in the mirror, so he stopped taking care of himself. He no longer cared about school or
his social life. His grades started to slip, and he was pushing his friends away.
One day his science teacher, Mr. Long, asked him to stay after class. “Kurt, I’m really
worried about you,” Mr. Long said. “You haven’t seemed yourself lately. Is something
wrong?”
After some tactful questioning, Mr. Long finally got Kurt to share his feelings. By the
end of the conversation, Kurt was near tears as he said, “I’m a loser. A stupid, worthless
loser.”
Mr. Long responded, “Kurt, you’ve got to stop bashing yourself. You’re a great young
man who has a successful life ahead of him. In fact, you’re one of my most promising
students, but you’re sabotaging yourself with all this negative self-talk.
“I think I may have something that will help. It’s a tool my school counselor taught me
when I used to bash myself. It’s called reframing and it’s simple to do. You take a negative
thought and change it to a more realistic and positive one. Like ‘No one cares about me.’
Well, we know that’s untrue. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be here now. What about your
parents? Your sister? Your friends? See, there are a lot of people who do care about you. So
when you have that self-bashing thought, replace it with: ‘That’s not true. Mr. Long, Mom,
86
activity 25 Q reframing negative thoughts
Dad, Sis, and my friends Jake and Lance do care about me.’ Now it’s your turn. What if I
called you stupid?”
Kurt thought for a moment, then said, “Stupid? I don’t think so. I just got the highest
grade in the class on your test!”
“You’ve got it, Kurt!” said Mr. Long.
For the first time in ages, Kurt smiled as he left class.
87
for you to do
Take the self-bashing statements below and reframe them into more realistic, positive ones.
I’m a loser.
I can’t do anything right.
I’m stupid.
I hate myself.
I'm too fat.
Everyone makes fun of me.
I am so ugly.
No one loves me.
Now add your own self-bashing statement and then reframe it.
88
and more to do
For the next week, record each time you bash yourself. Write down what you thought
and then reframe it.
Date Situation Self-Bashing Reframed Thought

Thought
How did you feel when you self-bashed?
How did you feel when you reframed your negative thoughts to more realistic, positive
ones?
89
26 the isolation trap
you need to know
Everyone likes to feel good, but that doesn’t happen all the time. When you’re
being bullied, it’s easy to fall into a trap and become isolated. Sometimes the
only way to get out of the trap is to force yourself to do the very things you enjoy,
but have been avoiding.
Savannah’s self-esteem had plummeted because a group of girls at school were making fun of
her. She wanted to be accepted and fit in, but that wasn’t happening. Lately, Savannah had
started to spend too much time in her room, not returning calls or texts from her friends.
She had even stopped going to basketball practice, something she loved.
One day her mother asked, “Savannah, what’s wrong? It’s as if you’ve shut yourself off
from the real world.”
“Ever since Alexis and her group stopped hanging with me, I’ve been in a slump, Mom.
I just want to stay in my room.”
“Life can’t stop because you’re upset and aren’t being treated kindly. Sounds like you’re
caught in an isolation trap. You’re not hanging out with your true friends, and you’re letting
people who don’t like you affect your relationships with those who do. Not to mention, you
haven’t been to basketball practice in three days. The coach even called to check on you.”
Savannah sighed. “I don’t like living like this, but I don’t know what to do.”
“For starters, you’ve got to get up and move. You have to break free by forcing yourself
to do something you enjoy, even if you don’t feel like doing it. Like basketball; you love it, but
because you don’t feel good about yourself, you’re avoiding it. Don’t let someone else keep
you from doing the things that make you happy. Okay, enough Mom advice. What do you
say we go shoot some hoops?”
Reluctantly, Savannah got up and went outside with her mom. After fifteen minutes
of shooting hoops, she began to feel somewhat better. Practice tomorrow, she thought. I’m
going to do it!
90
activity 26 Q the isolation trap
for you to do
Write about a time when you were caught in an isolation trap.
How long were you in the trap? If you’re still in it, how long have you been there?
What things did you avoid doing because of the trap?
How did you break free from the trap? If you’re still trapped, how can you escape it?
If you’re having difficulty identifying what you can do to break free, start by making a
list of things you enjoy doing. Choose one of the activities you listed and do it.
After you’ve done the activity, describe how it felt.
91
activity 26 Q the isolation trap
and more to do
It’s important to do things that make you feel good, especially if you’re in an isolation
trap. Take time each day to do an activity you enjoy. Use the chart below to keep track
of how it affects you.
Day Activity How I Felt Before How I Felt After
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
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self-defeating speech 27
you need to know
When you introduce what you are about to say with a discrediting statement,
you are using self-defeating speech. In effect, you are bullying yourself. With
practice, you can learn to speak with confidence.
People use self-defeating speech for different reasons. For example, beginning a
sentence by saying “This may sound stupid, but…” or “I probably don’t know what I’m
talking about, but…” may reflect a lack of confidence.
You probably would never tell friends that what they are saying sounds ridiculous or
that they have no idea what they are talking about, so why would you present yourself
in that manner? Falling into a pattern of self-defeating speech can affect how other
people see you. Yareli's story is an example:
Yareli is her own worst bully. She spends most of her day putting herself down both in her
head and in front of others. For example, before she gives her opinion to her friends, she
often says, “You probably won’t agree, but….” Yareli plays lacrosse, and no matter how well
she does, she always tells others how poorly she played. At school, she apologizes for asking
“too many” questions, and when she needs help from a teacher, she usually starts off by
saying, “This might be annoying, but….”
93
activity 27 Q self-defeating speech
for you to do
Rewrite this conversation to reflect confidence, not self-defeating speech:
Student: I know I’m an idiot, but I don’t understand how you got the answer to that
math problem.
Teacher: I explained it twice.
Student: I'm sorry. I’ll just read my notes again.
Student:
Teacher:
Student:
Now write about a time when you used self-defeating speech.
What could you have said instead to reflect self-confidence?
94
activity 27 Q self-defeating speech
and more to do
Keep a journal for a week to see how often you use self-defeating speech. Each time
you make a self-defeating comment, rewrite it to be positive. Try to become aware of
how much you use self-defeating speech in order to lessen the behavior. Remember, if
you wouldn’t say it to a friend, why would you say it to yourself?
Confidence takes practice and won’t happen overnight. Make a conscious effort not to
say negative things about yourself. Beginning a sentence with “I know I’m probably
wrong, but…” discredits whatever you’re about to say. You’re better than that. Give it a
try.
95
28 depression
you need to know
Being bullied can lead to depression. Depression is a deep state of sadness.
There are many different symptoms of depression, including hopelessness,
feelings of rejection, poor concentration, lack of energy, sleep problems, and
sometimes suicidal tendencies. If you feel like you are depressed, ask for help.
It is never a good idea to keep depression a secret.
Stephanie walked into her counselor’s office and burst into tears.
“What’s wrong, Stephanie?” Ms. Jenkins asked.
Stephanie poured out the story of how her best friend had turned on her and gotten all
their other friends to turn on her too. They were excluding Stephanie from their outings
and treating her like she didn’t exist. A few had even blocked her online and sent her mean
messages stating that they didn’t ever want to talk to her again. As though that weren’t
enough, they were spreading lies and rumors about her, and people believed them! This had
been going on for months, but she had been afraid to ask for help.
“When I go home, I don’t have anything to do so I sleep all afternoon. Then I can’t sleep
at night so I get online. I cry all the time, and I’ve lost weight. To top it off, I’ve slacked off at
school, and now I’m afraid of failing. I just feel like it’s hopeless. What’s wrong with me?”
Ms. Jenkins replied, “Stephanie, it’s not hopeless. It sounds like you’ve got some big
things going on that are keeping you from enjoying your life. You were very smart to come
and talk to me. I can help.”
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activity 28 Q depression
for you to do
How much do you know about depression? Take the myth or fact quiz below to test
your knowledge.
Myth or Fact
1. Depression is an illness.  
2. A person who is sad has depression.  
3. You can get over depression by just thinking happy thoughts.  
4. Anyone can get depression.  
5. Anger in teens can be a symptom of depression.  
6. Something bad has to happen to cause depression.  
7. Talking about depression will make it worse.  
8. If left untreated, depression can result in risky behavior.  
9. Depressed people are loners.  
10. Professionals can help with depression.  
If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, please seek help.
97
Answers
1. F
act. Depression is an illness caused by a combination of hereditary, biological,
psychological, and environmental factors.
2. Myth. Sadness can be a symptom of depression, but just being sad doesn’t mean a
person is depressed.
3. Myth. Depression is an illness. Happy thoughts will not make it go away. People
who have depression will need treatment to overcome it.
4. Fact. Depression can affect people of any age, any ethnicity, and any gender—
anyone.
5. F
act. Anger, irritability, and agitation (even over small things) are signs of teen
depression.
6. Myth. Depression isn’t always connected to bad events in life. In fact, depression
can occur when everything is going great.
7. M
yth. Everyone needs outlets to talk about their feelings, and talking can actually
help with depression. Talking about an illness like diabetes doesn’t make it worse.
The same is true with depression.
8. F
act. Many teens who suffer from depression try to self-medicate by turning
to alcohol, drugs, or sex to help them with their inner turmoil. Depression can
cause reckless decisions and lead to academic, family, and social problems if left
untreated.
9. Myth. Depression can affect anyone, even the most popular person at school.
Isolation is one of the many symptoms of depression, but not all depressed people
isolate themselves.
10. Fact. Professional treatment does help with depression. Treatment may include
medication, therapy, or alternative approaches.
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and more to do
Have you ever felt like there’s no hope? Put a check next to each statement that is true of you.
1. I feel sad more often than not.
2. I don’t like to hang out with my friends anymore.
3. I’m more jumpy when I’m around a lot of people.
4. I sleep a lot more than I used to.
5. I have a lot of trouble concentrating.
6. My grades have dropped.
7. I’m easily angered and frustrated for no obvious reason.
8. I’ve lost weight.
9. I’ve gained weight.
10. I am always worried about what others think of me.
11. I feel like people are talking about me all the time.
12. I feel alone.
13. I don’t have anyone I can turn to.
14. I cry a lot more than I used to.
15. I have panic attacks.
16. I’ve stopped doing things I once enjoyed.
17. I get tired frequently.
18. Sometimes I feel like it would be better if I weren’t around.
19. I have thoughts of harming myself.
20. I have tried to harm myself.
99
If you checked any of these statements, please speak with an adult. If you checked 18,
19, or 20, please get help immediately. No matter what you’re dealing with, harming
yourself is not the answer. There is help. Please speak with your school counselor,
teacher, coach, parents, minister, or another trusted adult. If you feel like you don’t
have anyone to talk to, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK
(8255).
Depression will not go away on its own. There are people who care about you and
want to help. Please reach out to them; you don’t have to go throughout this by
yourself. If you’re working with a counselor or therapist, take this activity along to
your next session. It can help you begin a conversation about your feelings and help
the counselor better understand what’s going on in your life.
100
expressing anger 29
you need to know
It’s never good to bottle up any emotion, especially anger. When you hold in
anger, you’re not dealing with what’s bothering you, and that can lead to negative
consequences. Instead of keeping your anger bottled up, you can express it in
appropriate ways.
Brent was tired of being made fun of. He tried to ignore it, but it was getting really old. If he
heard the word “fag” one more time, he thought he’d explode. One day, a former friend sent
a text during class to Brent: “sup fag?” That was it! When Brent saw the message, he threw
his phone clear across the classroom.
Shocked, his teacher sent Brent to Mr. Michaels, the principal. Brent was so angry that
he could barely talk to Mr. Michaels.
“Brent, this isn’t like you,” Mr. Michaels said. “You’re one of the most laid-back people I
know. What happened?”
Brent told Mr. Michaels about everything that had been going on and ended with “I just
couldn’t take it anymore.”
“Have you ever heard the story of the straw that broke the camel’s back?” Mr. Michaels
asked. “Well, that text was it. You’ve been bottling this stuff up for so long, it had to come
out somehow. You have to find an outlet to release that anger. What’s more, you’ve got to
deal with what the problem is and handle it immediately; don’t hold it in until it eats at you.
You can begin by recognizing and avoiding, if you can, the things that set you off. Then find
healthy ways to release your anger and frustration. Maybe you could go for a run or work
out your anger in a video game. You could try writing or painting or drawing. Whatever
outlet you choose, use it.”
Brent left Mr. Michaels's office feeling like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
He saw his friend Chase in the hall and went up to him. “Hey, you up for some hoops after
school? I’ve been stressed and really need to blow off some steam.”
Brent had decided that he was going to start addressing situations head-on; no more
bottling them up. He didn’t want another episode like today’s to ever happen again.
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activity 29 Q expressing anger
for you to do
Do you keep things bottled up? Explore the things that frustrate you.
List things that trigger your anger.
Describe how you usually respond to anger.
Describe a time when you exploded.
What were the consequences?
Were there things you could have done beforehand to prevent the blowup?
We all need outlets to release anger; for example, gaming, writing, exercising, reading,
or calling a friend. List some of your outlets.
102
activity 29 Q expressing anger
and more to do
Draw the outline of a bottle. Inside, write frustrating things that you’re bottling up.
Beside each thing, write how long it’s been bothering you: a week, a month, a year?
What can you do to release your frustration about each of these things?
103
30 irrational fear
you need to know
When we are afraid of something, we sometimes let our fear consume us. We
lose sight of what’s really happening and let our imagination take over. This may
lead to anxiety, worry, and stress. The good news is: there are things you can
do to keep your fear from consuming you.
Gabby hadn’t been acting like her bubbly self for a few days. After she bombed a quiz, her
math teacher asked her to stay after class to chat.
“Gabby, I’ve noticed that you seem a little down and you’re not sitting with your friends
anymore. Also, you failed the quiz, and you could have aced that in your sleep, What’s going
on?”
“Nothing, it’s no big deal.” Gabby retorted.
“Well, I suspect it’s something, and I’d like to help. Are you sure you don’t want to talk
about it?”
Gabby took a deep breath and said, “All of my friends hate me. Everyone at this school
hates me because of the new girl. She thinks I hate her and I don’t. I never did or said
anything about her. She is making everyone turn against me.”
“Wow, that’s a lot to worry about. How did this start?”
“I don’t even know. One day we were all hanging out, the next we weren’t. I came into
lunch late and there was nowhere to sit, so I had to sit with other people and nobody talked
to me. Then I got mad and didn’t speak the rest of the day. They all hate me.”
“What makes you think they hate you? Have they said anything to you?”
“Well, not really. But they didn’t even try to make room for me at lunch. Everything was
great until she moved here. They like her better than me and it’s like I don’t exist anymore.”
“Gabby, have they said anything to make you think they don’t want you around them?”
“No.”
“Have they told you that you can’t sit with them?”
“No.”
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activity 30 Q irrational fear
“I understand how you’re feeling and I have a question for you. How much of your fear
is real? You haven’t tried to talk to them, you moved your seat in class, and you haven’t
been sitting with them at lunch. Maybe they think you’re mad at them.”
“I don’t know. Maybe?”
“You don’t know what they are thinking until you talk to them. I know this is a tough
situation for you. It’s important to keep irrational fear from consuming you. Let’s talk about
some strategies to help you cope if this happens again.”
Together, Gabby and her math teacher fought fear with FEAR:
Familiarize: Write down your fears really quickly. Don’t think too much about
them. If something pops into your head, write it down.
Gabby’s list included a fear that her friends would like the new girl better and eventually
ditch her.
Evaluate: Check to see whether each fear you listed is real or perceived (one you
made up).
The teacher asked Gabby a series of questions to help her see that there wasn’t any
evidence supporting her fear.
Actions: Look at how your fears are affecting your actions.
Gabby took a deep breath and said, “Well, I guess I am avoiding them because it’s easier
for me to be mad at them. I want to be in control of this, but it’s just making me crazy and I
cannot think about anything else.”
Reality: Look at what’s really happening.
“Gabby, could it be that you’re afraid that the new girl has taken your place? Are you
jealous and afraid she’ll take your friends away from you? Don’t let your imagination make
this into something it may not be.”
When Gabby left class she had a better understanding of what she was feeling and had
a clearer picture of what was ‘really’ happening.
105
for you to do
Try the FEAR formula with your own personal bullying situation. If you need more
space, use a separate sheet of paper.
Familiarize: As quickly as you can, write down your fears about this situation.
Evaluate: Record whether each fear you listed is real or perceived.
Actions: Describe how your fears are affecting your actions.
Reality: Write down what the real fear is.
List some things you can do to help you deal with the situation.
106
and more to do
Tell about a time when you let your fear distort reality.
Describe how fear can negatively impact your perception.
Explain how relying on just your perception can lead to trouble.
Describe how the FEAR formula can help you separate reality from perception.
107
31 anxiety
you need to know
Anxiety is a feeling of distress, apprehension, fear, or worry. Being bullied can
exacerbate feelings of anxiety and even cause physical symptoms, but with the
right tools you can control your anxiety.
The bell rang, and it was time for gym. Rachel had been dreading gym all day. She hurried
to the locker room, hoping to be the first one in and out, but it was too late. Tameka,
Brianna, and Amanda were already waiting for her.
They sneered at Rachel when she walked in. Rachel tried to avoid them, but they moved
closer to her. Rachel felt the sweat bead on her forehead, and her heart pounded in her chest.
I’m going to faint, she thought.
Just then she heard a commanding voice from across the room: “STOP!” It was Julie, the
captain of the volleyball team. Silence followed, and Tameka, Brianna, and Amanda scurried
out of the room.
“You okay?” Julie asked as she approached Rachel.
“I think so, thanks,” Rachel said.
“How long have they been treating you like that?” Julie asked.
“Too long, and it’s only getting worse. Sometimes I get so anxious that I think I’m going
to die.”
“I used to be that way. I remember freaking out over little things. I thought I had asthma
because I would gasp for breath, but my doctor said it was anxiety. Luckily, I’ve got it under
control.”
“How did you do that?” Rachel asked.
“It wasn’t easy, but I realized that stressing about situations wasn’t helping me deal with
them. I started to talk about my feelings rather than stuffing them inside me, and I stopped
bashing myself. Even when I wanted to hide, I forced myself to be around other people,
especially the ones who cared about me. When I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I took slow, deep
breaths. And I put my time and energy into things that energized me rather than depleted
me, like volleyball. I made it my mission to be the best volleyball player in the state. Now I’m
the captain of the team.”
108
activity 31 Q anxiety
Rachel decided that if Julie could do it, she could too. She loved to write and was on the
school newspaper staff, so she thought she’d start by asking Julie whether she could write a
story about her journey to success in volleyball. Rachel was already feeling more in control
and confident she could get the upper hand on her anxiety.
109
for you to do
Identify situations and events that cause you anxiety.
Describe what your anxiety feels like.
List some things you do to alleviate anxiety.
Describe how you feel after you do these things.
110
and more to do
Anxiety can be manageable. During the next week, keep a record of how your anxiety
affects you, what you do to alleviate it, and how well your actions work.
Day What Provoked How My Anxiety What I Did to How It Worked

My Anxiety Affected Me Alleviate It
Day 1
Day 2
Day 3
Day 4
Day 5
Day 6
Day 7
111
Describe any patterns you noticed in the events that cause you anxiety.
How did the anxiety alleviators work? Which ones worked best?
112
empathy 32
you need to know
Being mean is never okay. However, having a clear and true perception of why
someone is acting a particular way can help you understand that person’s
actions. Empathy is the ability to identify with another person’s point of view. In
order to feel empathic toward others, you first need to try to understand what
they might be feeling or thinking.
Casey’s father had lost his job, and her family was having a hard time financially. Casey
used to be able to buy the clothes she wanted, go to the movies every weekend, and her
family would often take her friends out to dinner. Now they were struggling just to pay the
bills.
Casey was embarrassed and didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on. Instead, she
began to distance herself from her friends. Casey's friends thought she was angry with them,
so they started to spread rumors about her. Over time, it turned into a dramatic ordeal and
nobody knew what was really going on.
After Casey said some very mean things about her former best friend, Andrea, she
finally confronted her. Casey broke down and confessed what was really going on, and she
apologized for her behavior.
Casey hadn’t realized how much her mean and isolating behavior was hurting Andrea.
Andrea hadn’t understood the reasons behind Casey’s behavior. Neither had communicated
properly to understand where the other was coming from. With Andrea’s help, Casey was
able to talk to her other friends about what was happening.
113
activity 32 Q empathy
for you to do
For each of the following situations, write one word to describe how you would feel.
Your parents are going through a rough divorce, while all your
friends’ parents are happily married.
You just moved to a new town and don’t know anyone.
Your best friend gets mad at you and posts a reveals you
You and your best friend have a fight, and she posts pictures of herself
with other people at the restaurant you two always hang out at.
Your parents don’t have enough money to buy you a new outfit for
the school dance, so you wear the one you wore to the last dance.
Someone points it out to everyone.
It is easy to make judgments about others if you don’t understand the situation. It’s
also easy to take a situation personally if you don’t know the whole story. The next
time you find yourself jumping to a conclusion, try to empathize with the other
person.
114
activity 32 Q empathy
and more to do
Kindness and empathy go hand in hand. When you practice kindness, you build
awareness about how others are feeling, and kindness can be a helpful expression of
empathy toward others. Everyone should practice random acts of kindness on a daily
basis. Hold doors open, offer assistance to those in need, or help a younger sibling who
is having trouble with homework. The idea is not to make a big deal out of being kind,
but to just make it a part of your daily routine.
Practice one random act of kindness a day for the next week and write what you did,
how it made you feel, and how the person receiving your kindness seemed to feel.
Day What I Did How I Felt How the Other

Person Seemed to
Feel
Day 1
Day 2
Day 3
Day 4
Day 5
Day 6
Day 7
And don’t stop just because the week is over: keep being kind!
115
33 real friendships
you need to know
A real friend makes you feel good about yourself. Real friends have trust, respect,
and compassion for each other. If someone doesn’t make you feel good about
yourself, you might want to evaluate the friendship.
You may associate with a lot of people or have a ton of “friends” on social media sites,
but how many of those are real friends? Real friends are honest, loyal, kind, helpful,
and dependable. Good friends trust each other, laugh together, care about each other,
don’t stay mad at each other, share, give each other space, and have each other’s backs.
A real friendship is not one-sided; each of you acts as a friend to the other.
116
activity 33 Q real friendships
for you to do
Do you try to be a real friend? Do you have friends you don't treat well? Sometimes
when friendships aren’t going well, you have to decide whether the person is a real
friend.
How do you want friends to treat you?
How do you treat your friends?
If you are not treating your friends the way you want to be treated, it’s time to change.
Write down three steps you can take to be a better friend.
1.
2.
3.
117
activity 33 Q real friendships
and more to do
List the qualities that are important to you in a friend; for example, loyalty,
dependability, trustworthiness, honesty, and a sense of humor.
Now think about your friends. Which friends have some the qualities you listed?
Which friends do not? For those who don’t, think about what each of you brings to the
friendship and whether or not it’s worth keeping.
118
toxic friendships 34
you need to know
Toxic friends don’t make you feel good about yourself. They take from the
friendship but seldom contribute, leaving you drained and lonely. It’s best to
learn what an unhealthy friendship looks like and get out of it quickly.
Authentic friendships are an important key to happiness. It isn’t uncommon for people
to surround themselves with people who bring them down, without understanding
what is wrong with these friendships. Toxic friendships leave you exhausted and often
wondering whether your friend is mad at you, is talking about you, or is going to
exclude you. A toxic friend may:
• be fake
• withhold information from you
• always bring you down
• talk about you behind your back and then deny it
• talk badly about your other friends
• brag too much
• make fun of you, then say, “Just kidding”
Do these characteristics sound like the qualities of any of your friends?
119
activity 34 Q toxic friendships
for you to do
Chances are, a friend you think may be toxic probably is. Circle the responses that best
describe your friendship with this person.
If I told my friend a huge secret, my friend
1. would never tell anyone.

2. might tell a few friends.
3. would tell everyone.
If I’m having a bad day, I
1. would tell my friend everything; that’s what friends are for.

2. would tell my friend that I’m a little down, but not why.
3. wouldn’t tell my friend anything; the whole world would find out.
If I started spending less time with my friend to spend more time with a girlfriend or
boyfriend, my friend would
1. be happy for me and understand.

2. understand, but still constantly ask me to hang out.
3. try to break us up and never leave me alone.
If we had plans and a better offer came along, my friend would
1. keep our plans.

2. lie to me about everything.
3. tell me, straight up, that something else came up and exclude me.
When we make plans to hang out
1. we both decide what to do.

2. I always decide what to do.
3. my friend never lets me decide what to do.
120
If you circled mostly 2’s and 3’s, it’s probably time to evaluate your friendship. All
friendships hit roadblocks, but if your friend’s behaviors frequently leave you feeling
bad, it’s time to go. Breaking up with a friend is hard to do. There is hurt on both sides.
But in the long run, it’s the right thing to do.
121
and more to do
If you’re in any toxic friendships, you may need to let them go. First, you have to
identify whether your friendship is toxic. Think of one or more friends, and respond to
these questions.
What do you like about your friendship?
What don’t you like about the friendship?
What does a real friend look like to you?
What does a fake friend look like to you?
What do you contribute to the friendship?
What does your friend contribute to the friendship?
Are your contributions equal?
For each friendship evaluate your answers and decide whether the friendship is worth
keeping. Remember, you deserve to have friends who care about you and make you
feel good.
122
breaking up with friends 35
you need to know
Sometimes friends grow apart. If you are no longer feeling supported, or if you
feel like the friendship is toxic, one-sided, or more hurtful than helpful, it may be
time to let it go. You deserve to have friends who don’t cause too much stress
and who bring you more happiness than pain.
If you’ve had a fight with a friend, you may be temporarily angry but still want to keep
the friendship. You can give it time and seek support from others. But if you constantly
find yourself wondering why you are friends with someone, you may need to walk
away. Breaking up with a friend is difficult. It may be messy and cause a roller coaster
of emotions. You may grieve the friendship for a while. That’s why it’s important to
decide whether it’s really what you want. Think about the following questions:
• Do you get nervous or anxious when you hang out with your friend?
• Do you ever lie to get out of hanging out with your friend?
• Is this friend possessive of you?
• Does your friend bring you down?
• Does your friendship ever make you unhappy?
If you answered yes to any of the questions, it may be time to let go.
123
activity 35 Q breaking up with friends
for you to do
If you are considering leaving a friendship, first take a closer look at it and see whether
or not it’s salvageable.
When was the last time your friend called you out of the blue to ask how you are?
Does your friend only talk about herself or himself, becoming or seeming to become
disinterested when you talk about you?
Does your friend ever ask you to hang out?
If something better comes up, does your friend cancel on you and not include you in
the new plans?
How much time do you spend with your friend? How much time do you want to
spend with your friend?
Has your friend ever really hurt you and not apologized? Worse, has this friend not
even realized it?
Is your friendship worth it?
124
and more to do
Moving on from a friendship is a big deal. Before writing someone off, it’s important to
consider what life will be like if you do decide to end the friendship.
What will it be like if you’re in the same class in the future? What if you have to work
on a group project together?
If you decide you want to be friends again, what might happen?
If your parents are friends, will it be weird if you have to see each other?
What will happen if ending the friendship causes a huge fight?
Do you have other friends you can truly trust and turn to for support? Who are they?
125
What will you do with anything that reminds you of your friendship (for example, put
it in a shoebox, discard it)?
How will you know you made the right decision? How do you think you’ll feel?
126
self-empowerment 36
you need to know
Self-empowerment is having the strength to do what is best for you. Self-
empowerment means believing in your value, your abilities, and your
accomplishments. It also means having the confidence to stand up for what is
right and to feel good about your choices.
Self-empowerment often takes a lot of practice and positive self-talk. When you are
the target of a bully, your self-esteem can easily plummet—even when you know that
what the bully is saying about you is simply meant to put you down. Affirmations can
empower you and help you rise above what you know isn’t true.
An affirmation is a declaration of what you know to be true. It’s a positive statement

that reflects how you want to think about yourself, a situation, or a desired outcome.
Affirmations should be repeated on a regular basis until you believe and demonstrate
what you tell yourself.
Here are some examples of affirmations:
• I can do anything I set my mind to. • I am talented.

• I am smart. • I am energetic and fun to be
around.
• I am a great athlete.
• I am a great cook.
• I am a good friend.
• I can achieve my goals.
• I have a family that loves me.
Regularly repeating affirmations will help you be stronger and better able to cope with
the stress that being bullied can generate.
127
activity 36 Q self-empowerment
for you to do
Think of as many positive things as you can about yourself. List them, in affirmation
style, below.
128
activity 36 Q self-empowerment
and more to do
Write each affirmation on a separate piece of paper or an index card. You may want
to make multiple copies. Post them in places where you will see them every day (for
example, on your bathroom mirror, in your school notebook, or in a dresser drawer).
Repeat them every day.
129
37 mentors matter
you need to know
Teens who have mentors report higher self-esteem, higher self-awareness, and
higher self-confidence. A mentor can offer a listening ear and sound advice to
help you with problems related to bullying. Mentoring relationships can exist
between adults and teens or teen-to-teen (many schools have peer mentoring
programs).
Olivia had trouble making friends, and she was often teased at school for being alone. Her
self-confidence had been squashed by bullies, and she was very intimidated around others.
She didn’t know her father, and her mother had to work two jobs to make ends meet.
When Olivia talked to her school counselor about her situation, he suggested she get a
peer mentor. Olivia’s mentor began meeting with her once a week. The two would talk, and
her mentor would help Olivia with homework and with building her self-confidence.
With her mentor’s encouragement, she joined the art club at school and made a few
friends. Eventually, her new friends introduced Olivia to other people, so she had a group to
sit with at lunch, do homework with, and hang out with on the weekends.
Talking helped Olivia a lot, but most important, she realized that many other teens felt
like she did and that she wasn’t alone. And although Olivia no longer felt intimidated by the
bullies who used to laugh at her, she continued to check in with her mentor regularly.
130
activity 37 Q mentors matter
for you to do
Write down the name of someone you know personally whom you look up to.
Tell why you look up to that person.
If that person has helped you in the past, tell how.
What, if anything, would you like that person to help you with now or in the future?
131
and more to do
Many communities have programs, such as Big Brothers, Big Sisters, that pair mentors
with teens based on common interests. If you are looking for a mentor, you can check
out programs in your area, or you can simply ask someone you know to fill the role. If
you cannot find somebody, ask a teacher or school counselor to help connect you with
a mentor.
List the qualities you would like to have in a mentor.
Whom would you like to be your mentor?
If you don’t know, whom can you talk to about finding a mentor?
What would you like a mentor to help you with?
132
Use the space below to practice asking someone to be your mentor. Include why you
need one and how it could help you.
133
38 antibullying organizations
you need to know
If you are being bullied, you are not alone. Many people have dedicated their
lives to helping those who are bullied, and there are organizations that provide
support and guidance for teens.
Organizations like the three described below help prevent bullying, offer support for
victims, and increase awareness about the negative effects of bullying.
The Trevor Project

The Trevor Project is a national organization providing crisis intervention and
suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning
youth. It was founded in 1998. Trevor, a short film set in 1981, is about a happy thirteen-
year-old who has a crush on one of the most popular boys in school. When Trevor’s
peers find out about his crush, they mock and tease him. He becomes depressed
and decides the world would be a better place without him. After a suicide attempt,
Trevor resolves that he will no longer be a victim, and he learns to embrace and accept
himself.
www.thetrevorproject.org
StopBullying.gov
StopBullying.gov is a federal government website that provides information from
various government agencies on bullying, cyberbullying, who is at risk, and how
to prevent and respond to bullying. This website offers prevention tips, help, and
resources for teens. It includes blogs, videos, games, and information to help those who
134
activity 38 Q antibullying organizations
are victimized by bullying. There is even an action plan to inspire teens to create an
antibullying campaign in their community or school.
It Gets Better Project

In response to students taking their own lives after being bullied, columnist and
author Dan Savage and his partner Terry Miller created a YouTube video to inspire
hope for LGBT youth facing harassment. Since the release of that video, the It Gets
Better Project has become a worldwide movement. The site is a safe place where young
people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender can see how love and happiness
can be a part of their future. It’s also a place where straight allies can visit and support
their friends and family members.
www.itgetsbetter.org
135
for you to do
Each of the organizations you just read about was started because someone wanted to
help others. Imagine that you are going to start your own antibullying organization,
and answer the questions below.
What would the name of your organization be?
Write down some goals for your organization.
Explain your reasons for wanting to start your organization.
List the ways you would promote your organization.
Whom would you get to sponsor you?
What would you put on your website?
What are some steps you could take to get started?
You just planned your own antibullying organization. If you feel passionate about this,
talk to an adult and solicit the help of others to get things running. Who knows, your
organization may just take off and help others who are in situations similar to yours.
136
and more to do
Now that you’re almost at the end of this workbook, you might be thinking, Now what?
We have compiled a host of noteworthy resources for teenagers, parents, educators,
and counseling professionals at www.newharbinger.com/24502. We hope you’ll take
the time to visit the website and continue to think, learn, and grow.
137
39 moving forward
you need to know
Bullies have been around for a long, long time. While you may not be able to
stop a bully from being a bully, you can use the skills taught in this workbook to
help stop yourself from becoming a victim.
Mia was flipping through a magazine on her bed when her phone vibrated. She glanced at
the screen and noticed it was her good friend Emma, asking “U OK?”
Emma was concerned because, earlier that day, Mia had had a run-in with a person who
had bullied her in the past. Mia smiled about Emma’s caring. She was such a good friend.
Mia thought back to a few months ago, when she had thought her life was over because
of the bullying. Back then, the incident that happened today would have broken her, but not
now. Now Mia was more confident, secure, and assertive than ever before. She had been
working hard to overcome her feelings of fear, insecurity, and anxiety. Even though it had
been a long and, at times, difficult road, Mia was proud of all she had accomplished. She had
finally learned to accept that she might not be able to change people, especially bullies, but
she refused to be a victim any longer. Mia replied to Emma, “Better than OK---I’m great!"
138
activity 39 Q moving forward
for you to do
Over the course of this workbook, you have been working on confronting and coping
with bullying. This activity can help you see how far you have come.
When I began this workbook, I felt .
In doing the activities, I realized
Now, if anyone tries to bully me, I know that I can
The skills I could use more practice on are
The most important thing I learned is
139
activity 39 Q moving forward
and more to do
Congratulate yourself; you finished this workbook! By completing the activities, you’ve
demonstrated that you are dedicated to taking a stand against bullying. You now have
the tools to defend yourself, your friends, and your community.
Hopefully, along the way, you’ve picked up confidence, courage, and comfort, as well
as the understanding that there is no one else exactly like you. Our world desperately
needs everyone’s unique talents and qualities. Don’t let anyone, including a bully, rob
you of your individualism. Stay strong. Be bold. Move forward.
140
Raychelle Cassada Lohmann, MS, LPC, is a national board certified counselor and
a licensed professional counselor. Lohmann has worked as a school counselor at the
middle school and high school levels, and has helped hundreds of teens deal with
feelings of frustration and anger. Raychelle has participated in extensive research on
anger and specializes in individual and group counseling for anger management. She
is the author of The Anger Workbook for Teens and Staying Cool...When You’re Steaming
Mad.
Julia V. Taylor, MA, is author of Perfectly You, G.I.R.L.S. (Girls in Real Life Situations),
and Salvaging Sisterhood. She speaks nationally about relational aggression, body image,
media literacy, and other teen topics. Taylor has experience working in middle and
high school settings as a professional school counselor.
Foreword writer Haley Kilpatrick is the founder and executive director of Girl Talk, a
national nonprofit organization through which high school girls mentor middle school
girls to help deal with the trials and triumphs of the tween and early teen years. She is
also the author of The Drama Years. She lives in Atlanta, GA.
More for Teens
the AnxietY workbook the ptsD workbook think ConfiDent, be

for teens for teens ConfiDent for teens
Activities to Help You Deal Simple, Effective Skills A Cognitive Therapy Guide to
with Anxiety & Worry for Healing Trauma Overcoming Self-Doubt &
ISBN: 978-1572246034 / US $14.95 US $16.95 / ISBN: 978-1608823215 Creating Unshakable Self-Esteem
Also available as an e-book Also available as an e-book ISBN: 978-1608821136 / US $16.95
at newharbinger.com at newharbinger.com Also available as an e-book
at newharbinger.com
Coping with Cliques Don’t let Your emotions the shYness & soCiAl
A Workbook to Help Girls Deal run Your life for teens AnxietY workbook
with Gossip, Put-Downs, Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills for for teens
Bullying & Other Mean Behavior Helping You Manage Mood Swings, CBT & ACT Skills to
ISBN: 978-1572246133 / US $16.95 Control Angry Outbursts & Get Help You Build Social Confidence
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at newharbinger.com ISBN: 978-1572248830 / US $16.95 Also available as an e-book
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at newharbinger.com
n e w h a r b i n g e r p u b l i c a t i o n s, i n c .
1-800-748-6273 / newharbinger.com
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A r E YOU SEEk inG A CBT THEr A PiST?

The Association for Behavioral & Cognitive Therapies (ABCT) Find-a-Therapist service offers
a list of therapists schooled in CBT techniques. Therapists listed are licensed professionals who
have met the membership requirements of ABCT & who have chosen to appear in the directory.
Please visit www.abct.org & click on Find a Therapist.

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“The Bullying Workbook for Teens is a remarkable, relevant resource for both teens

—Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes, the book

—Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out

Studies have shown that young people who learn healthy

This series is part of the New Harbinger Instant Help

RAYCHELLE CASSADA LOHMANN, MS, LPC

Instant Help Books

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright © 2013 by Raychelle Cassada Lohmann and Julia V. Taylor

Cover design by Amy Shoup

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lohmann, Raychelle Cassada.

Activity 23. Accepting Yourself 80

Wishing you success,

What are the types of bullying?

• Verbal: name calling, mocking, threatening, gossiping, or spreading rumors

• Physical: hitting, punching, pushing, stealing personal property, or any other

• Social: ignoring, isolating, or excluding peers from social activities

• Psychological: stalking, taunting, harassing, or intimidating

• Cyber: bullying through electronic devices; for example, texting, e-mailing,

Why do people bully others?

• They want to feel popular.

• They are jealous.

• They want to feel powerful.

• They feel threatened.

• They want to escape their problems.

• They feel insecure.

What are the effects of bullying?

• Emotional problems (such as stress, anger, depression, or anxiety)

• Physical problems (such as headaches, stomach cramps, vomiting, loss of

• Withdrawal from friends or social activities

• Nightmares or poor sleep

Why do you think the bully has chosen you?

Tell how bullying is affecting your life.

Tell what you want to achieve by using this workbook.

I want you to stop

I agree that my safety comes first. I will get help immediately if

I am in physical jeopardy.

I feel threatened.

I begin to panic.

I feel like there is no hope.

I have thoughts of harming myself.

you need to know

Start by asking yourself, is the action or comment

• hurtful but not intimidating?

• a onetime offense or repetitive?

• something that can easily be ignored?

2. Respond to any action or comment that is not hostile or threatening. Bullies

3. Tell a trusted adult immediately if your physical safety is being threatened. No

I will ignore bullying when 

I will respond to bullying when 

I will tell someone when 

you need to know

Whom will you tell?

How will you ask for help?

What will you say?

Practice your script, and then ask for help.

How did it go?

Copyright © 2013 by Raychelle Cassada Lohmann and Julia V. Taylor

I will ignore bullying when

I will respond to bullying when

I will tell someone when

How often will you communicate?