THE DREADED WORD

a play by Galanty Miller

The Dreaded Word, copyright 1999, 2002

4024 Marietta Drive
Vestal, NY 13850
(607) 770-9352
(607) 723-4647
smgalanty@aol.com
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THE CHARACTERS

DAVE Dave is in his mid-twenties. Dave is handsome. Dave dresses

nice/causal throughout the play

ANTONIO Antonio is in his mid-twenties. Antonio is relatively handsome.

Antonio dresses nicely throughout the play. He always has a tie
on and he is always wearing a nice pair of pants.

KEITH KROEGER Kroeger is in his mid-twenties. Kroeger is not handsome.

Kroeger does not take care of himself. Kroeger is dressed like a
slob throughout the play.

THE CHICK The Chick is pretty. The Chick has power.

THE FATHER The Father looks like a father.

THE MOTHER The Mother looks like a mother.

PHOEBE Phoebe is very attractive.

THE BUM The Bum looks like a bum. The Bum has power.

THE SCENE

Most of the play takes place in the living room of the apartment. There is a couch in the middle of
the room. There is a television near the front corner of the stage. It is facing the stage, not the
audience.

Scene Six takes place in a bar/restaurant. At the front of the stage is a small table with two chairs.
The rest of the stage should be dark. This is the bar/restaurant.

Scene Seven takes place outside. At the front of the stage is a moveable wall. The wall is the side
of a building. The Bum is sitting against the wall. The rest of the stage should be dark. This is
outside.

THE TIME
The play starts on a weeknight. It is very late.
The play ends in the evening of the following day.

THE NOTES
When somebody says something funny, it is intentional. People smile and laugh when they hear
funny things.
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SCENE ONE

(Dave and The Chick walk through the front door. They’re giggling and fooling around.)

(Dave turns on the lights. Dave takes The Chick in his arms and kisses her.)

Dave: God you look great.

The Chick: (pulling away) Do you have any wine?

Dave: (taking off his coat) Umm, yeah, I think so. Check the fridge.

(The Chick comes back with a bottle of wine and two glasses. She sits on the couch. Dave
joins her.)

(They kiss.)

The Chick: Where are your housemates? You have two of them, right?

Dave: (kissing The Chick’s neck, not paying any attention to what she is saying.) What?

The Chick: Your roommates. You have two of them?

Dave: (now becoming even more physical) Oh, uhh, I don’t know. They’re sleeping I
guess. (going up and down The Chick’s face with his lips) Or maybe they’re out. I don’t
know.

(The Chick kisses Dave back. Then she kisses him again.)

The Chick: So whatta you wanna do?

Dave: (enthusiastic) Let’s have sex.

The Chick: That was romantic.

(The Chick backs off a bit from Dave, but she still lets him kiss her.)

Dave: (rubbing her leg) ‘Romance’ gets a guy a wonderful kiss goodnight. Being direct
gets you sex.

The Chick: That’s not true.

(The Chick, somewhat disturbed at that last comment, stands up.)

The Chick: Is that all you want? Sex?

 4

Dave: Right now at this moment- yes. What do you want?

The Chick: Well... I don’t know. What’s wrong with just fooling around a little, like we
were doing? What’s wrong with just talking?

Dave: Nothing. But it’s all foreplay.

(Dave stands up.)

Dave: Look, before I say anything more, let me ask you something. Just answer the
question. Will we be having sex tonight?

The Chick: Maybe, but not with each other.

Dave: No, seriously.

The Chick: I would never have sex on the first date.

Dave: So I can be completely honest right now, right? I don’t have to be phony, try to be
charming, anything like that. Because I’m not getting anything anyway.

(The Chick sits down on a bar stool near the couch.)

The Chick: Is that what you were being all night? Phony?

Dave: No. Well... yes. But I’m always phony. That’s my personality. So technically, I’m
not phony. I’d only be phony if I wasn’t being phony. So let’s call what I was being all
night... ‘charming’.

The Chick: Okay, Mr. Charming, now I’m curious. Say whatever you were gonna say
that’s completely honest.

Dave: I can’t respect you if you don’t have sex with me right now.

The Chick: That’s a switch. You can’t respect me if I don’t have sex on the first date?
Most guys would say the opposite.

Dave: True, but they’ll still try to get in your pants on the first date, right?

The Chick: No doubt about that.

Dave: Then that makes them hypocrites and morons.

The Chick: You just described most of the guys I’ve been out with.

Dave: But not me.

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The Chick: I haven’t decided what you are yet. But tell me, why don’t you respect me?

Dave: Do you like sex?

The Chick: Yes.

Dave: Do you find me in any way attractive? (a brief silent moment) Let me ask you this
in a different way. If we had been going out for, let’s say, two months, then would you
not be so physically repulsed by my appearance that you could have sex with me?

The Chick: Okay, let’s say I bought your charming act for two months and I enjoyed
your company as much as I did at dinner tonight, then yes, I would have sex with you.
(pause) I didn’t mind kissing you earlier.

Dave: Okay, so you would have sex with me- your boyfriend of two months- and you
would enjoy it. Yes?

Chick: Yes.

Dave: Therein lies your problem. There’s something you wanna do, something you enjoy
doing, yet you won’t. You have to wait. Why?

Chick: I don’t know. I just do.

Dave: See, you don’t know why. Why would someone not do something they want to
because... they don’t know why?

Chick: Because it’s an unspoken rule, I don’t know. There are some things that people
just shouldn’t do. Some things are just wrong.

Dave: No, nothing is “just wrong”. There’s always a reason. Give me twenty minutes;
I’ll explain why murder is wrong because it’s bad for society. But there is a reason. There
are reasons for everything. But I can’t give you a reason why having sex with anyone
whenever you want is wrong. Because I don’t think it is. Can you give me a reason?

The Chick: No, but why do so many guys feel that way about women? I know guys
who’ll date a million slutty women, but they’ll only have a serious relationship with a
virgin.

Dave: What’s a virgin?

The Chick: No, seriously.

Dave: Those guys? Those are the kind of guys who cheat on their virgins and date rape
the sluts. Take my advice- stay away from those guys.
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The Chick: I’m talking about friends, male friends, of mine.

Dave: Yeah, me too. (sarcastic) And I’m sure they feel the same way about you- you’re
just a ‘good friend’. But look, I’m getting too old to play games. I don’t wanna waste my
time. (pause, thinking about it) Hey, if I meet a slut with a great personality, I’d get on
my knee and propose. Why not? I like sluts. They know what they want and they go for
it. They’re not... passive. And you know what? Passive is boring.

The Chick: Dave, you’re some guy.

Dave: Hey, you say that sarcastically, but look- I’m a nice guy, I work hard at a crappy
job. I hate it, but I do it. At night I take a couple classes at the University. I don’t get
money from the government. Nobody pays my tuition for me. I pay for it myself. I’m
only six credits away from getting my Masters degree. Then I have a couple more years
until I get my PhD. I’m close with my family, I have good friends, I never break the law,
I’m honest...

The Chick: I thought you said you were phony.

Dave: That was a joke. Look, I’m funny, too. Another great quality. All in all, I’d have to
say I’m a pretty decent guy and a good catch. But if I’m out on a date and I’m honest
about wanting sex, which is the whole point of dating anyway, I’m a terrible awful slimy
toad? I don’t agree.

The Chick: I thought the point of dating was to find your perfect match.

Dave: Okay, fine. This is how I find my perfect match. If I find out my date doesn’t like
sex, then I know she’s not my perfect match. Then, if I find out she likes it but won’t do
it because she’s afraid of how society will perceive her, then I know she’s not my perfect
match. But, if she does have sex with me the first night, and I find out we have great sex
together, then I know, or at least there’s the possibility, that she’s my perfect match.

The Chick: And how many times has that happened? You get sex the first night and it’s
great.

Dave: Once.

The Chick: And she was your perfect match?

Dave: No. She didn’t like TV. How can anyone not like TV?

The Chick: I like TV.

Dave: Do you wanna have sex?

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(The Chick smiles. She gets up and kisses Dave on the forehead and then she heads for
the door.)

The Chick: I have to go.

(Dave gets up and walks her to the door.)

Dave: Admit it.

The Chick: Admit what?

Dave: Admit that you still find me sort of charming.

(They’re both standing at the front door.)

The Chick: I think you’re interesting. Charming and interesting are different things.

Dave: So can I give you a call sometime?

The Chick: I thought you didn’t respect me.

Dave: (with a smile) I don’t.

The Chick: Besides, I never have sex on the second date.

Dave: Who says it has to be about sex?

(They both smile. Then they kiss.)

Dave: C’mon. I’ll walk you out to your car.

(They leave. Dave closes the door behind him.)

(The lights dim.)

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SCENE TWO

(Dave comes back in the apartment.)

(Kroeger is sitting on the couch watching TV.)

Dave: Did you just get home?

Kroeger: Do I ever leave this apartment?

Dave: I don’t know. Do you?

Kroeger: I was sleeping and you woke me up.

Dave: We weren’t that loud.

Kroeger: Okay, well let me rephrase that- I woke up and then spent the next hour with
my ear to the door, listening to your conversation.

Dave: I hope we put on a good show for you.

Kroeger: I’m waiting for the sequel. Did you really believe that, what you were saying?

Dave: I don’t know... I guess. To tell you the truth, I don’t really remember what I said.

Kroeger: Yeah, me neither. But then again, I’m drunk right now.

Dave: So what’s new?

(Dave sits on the couch with Kroeger.)

Dave: What’s on?

Kroeger: Talk shows, old crappy sit-coms, but what‘s really weird about late night TV
are the cable access channels. For the last five minutes I’ve been watching some crazy
preacher tell me I’m going to hell.

Dave: He knows you well.

Kroeger: Wanna stay and watch?

Dave: Man, I have to write a ten-page paper by tomorrow morning. I don’t even know
what I’m gonna write about yet.

Kroeger: I don’t understand. College is supposed to be fun. How come you’re not
always out partying and getting wasted?
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Dave: I did. But that’s undergrad. This is grad school. It’s different.

Kroeger: You know I went to college.

Dave: Yeah, for like two months before you flunked out. I was your roommate.

Kroeger: But at least I had fun. All you ever do about school is complain and do your
work the night before it’s due. Why do you stay in if you hate is so much? And you never
have any money.

Dave: I don’t know. (condescending) For my future?

Kroeger: One, do you have any clue what you wanna do in the future? And two, will this
crap-o-rama you study really help you in life in any way?

Dave: I don’t know.

Kroeger: You don’t know what you want to do?

Dave: No, I mean I don’t know what your question was because I wasn’t listening.

Kroeger: Do you even like what you’re learning? What is it, topography or something?

Dave: It’s sociology. What the hell is topography?

Kroeger: Boy, sociology- that’s important to real life. I just don’t get it. Last year you
learned shit. This year you’re learning dick. What’s the point?

Dave: Because when I’m finished I’m gonna have a PhD. That may not mean much to
you but it means a lot to everyone else in the world. Do you know how much money I’ll
be making? Kroeger- and you know I only say this out of love- but most people in the
world can’t just lie around all day and expect their rich parents to support them.

Kroeger: It makes my parents happy when they support me. It makes them feel like good
parents... for the first time in their lives. But back to you- do you actually like what you
learn?

Dave: Nobody learns anything in grad school. That’s what I don’t like about it.

Kroeger: Sounds perfect for me. Maybe I should have skipped college and gone straight
to grad school.
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Dave: Yeah, that would’ve been a good idea. But anyway, that’s what I don’t like about
it. I like having real classes where the teacher teaches and gives tests and the ones who
are most prepared do the best. All we do now is sit around and everybody talks out of
their assholes.

Kroeger: What do they talk about?

Dave: I don’t know. For one thing, I have trouble paying attention. All my classes are
three hours long. Nobody can pay attention for three hours. Hell, I’d get bored in a strip
joint after three hours.

Kroeger: Topless strip joint or completely nude?

Dave: Well, maybe just a topless one. But still.

Kroeger: I could live in a strip club for days without ever leaving. I’d never get bored. I
swear, I could go without food and water.

Dave: What about beer?

Kroeger: Maybe not beer.

Dave: And everyone has their own agenda. No matter what the topic is, everyone just
wants to bring the conversation around to what they wanna talk about. It’s like a
competition of trying to out-liberal everyone else.

Kroeger: Aren’t you a big political liberal?

Dave: I am when it comes to dealing with real life, but these idiots in my department are
just... way ‘out there’. They talk about taking over the government and revolution against
the system and replacing it all with communism.

Kroeger: I thought communism was dead.

Dave: It is. And if Karl Marx came back from the dead and sat in on one of my sociology
classes, he would kick these people’s asses because they’re so goddamn annoying. Here’s
another example. The other day in class we were talking about racism in economics or
something like that. Anyway, these two women in the class start having a debate about
something stupid, so this other stupid guy says something like “I think we should stop
bickering and get on to the real issues”. So of course everyone in the class just freaked
out and started screaming at this guy about how sexist he was. And this went on for, I’m
not exaggerating, the next hour and a half.

Kroeger: What did he do that was sexist?

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Dave: He told feminist women to stop bickering. That’s a cardinal sin. Like one woman
in the class said, “How come men argue but women bicker? You’re devaluing women.”

Kroeger: I’ve told men to stop bickering.

Dave: Yeah, you’ll tell guys to stop bickering. But you tell them to stop bickering ‘like a
bunch of girls’. They would crucify you in my department. They’d hate you. Christ,
everyone does hate you.

Kroeger: Whatever. But if you ask me, learning about communism and bickering doesn’t
really prepare you for the future. Unless your future plans consist of being an
argumentative Cuban.

Dave: Well it’s something. I mean, Kroeger, what do you plan on doing with your life?
Once again, I say this out of love...

Kroeger: ...of course.

Dave: There are twenty-six year olds in the world who have regular jobs, are married,
and they may even have a kid already. They’ve begun their lives. But look at you. You
flunked out of college after one semester and haven’t even thought of trying to get back
in. You don’t have a job. Have you ever had a job?

Kroeger: I worked at McDonald’s for a week when we were in high school.

Dave: Oh yeah, that’s right. You got fired for stuffing twenty McNuggets in my six-piece
box. (back to his rant) Where was I? No job, you’ve never had a relationship that lasted
more than three weeks, and you haven’t had any relationship with anyone in over three
years.

Kroeger: That’s not exactly true.

Dave: I mean not counting hookers. You’ve become an absolute slob, not sometimes but
all the time. You look terrible. Aren’t you scared? Is this what you want to be when
you’re thirty? You’ve reached the age when it’s no longer cute. Now it’s just scary.

Kroeger: Here’s my prediction. Whatever I’m doing five years from now, you’ll be
doing it with me.

Dave: But at least I’ll be justified in whining and complaining about my crappy life. And
that’s the point of life- working hard and trying your best. So when you reach a certain
age and you realize that- no matter what you’re doing- life really does suck, at least you
have the right to complain. As long as you keep living the way you are, you don’t have
that right.
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Kroeger: Hey, I don’t complain. I know life sucks. Therefore, instead of fighting it I
accept it. And I live life accordingly. What would you do if you knew you had one day to
live, if Earth was gonna be destroyed in twenty-four hours? Would you go to your sucky
job and then to your stupid classes?

Dave: I’d probably do something amazing, something I could never normally get away
with- like jumping out of a plane with no parachute or robbing a bank or something like
that.

Kroeger: No you wouldn’t. Everybody says something like that. But really, you would
just do something easy and convenient and that you like doing. You’d probably just
lounge around the apartment and watch TV all day. Because when you think about it,
that’s true happiness. So think about it. You work your ass off so maybe you can
accomplish something in the future that you’re probably gonna hate anyway. Right now
as we speak, and without having to do anything, I’m living the perfect life. I’m living
your fantasy.

Dave: My fantasy is to not get laid and live off my parents?

Kroeger: Keep mocking, but you know it’s true. Look- you, me, and Antonio became
friends when? Our junior year of high school?

Dave: Yes.

Kroeger: And the reason we became friends was because we had so much in common.
We still do. You think because we each do different things now, that’s changed. But it
hasn’t. You think it has, but it hasn’t.

Dave: We graduated from high school, what, eight years ago? Yeah, we still love TV,
sports, movies. We still have the same sense of humor. Remember that old lady that lived
near Antonio. Every time she saw us she would say (an old lady voice), “Ohh, you boys
have so much potential.” And despite what you’ve become, that hasn’t changed either.
But if you think we’re still the same people we were in high school, then it’s definitely
time to rethink your life.

Kroeger: Here’s something to think about. What is every guy’s worst fear?

Dave: I don’t know.

Kroeger: Yes you do. Think about it.

Dave: Okay, every guy’s worst fear is getting gang-raped in prison.

Kroeger: Exactly. And when you think about it, every guy’s second-worst fear is getting
raped by just one guy in prison.
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Dave: What’s your point?

Kroeger: I’m getting to it. Third on the list would probably be getting beat up in prison
by a gang. No? Then fourth would be having something wrong with your prostate or
testicles.

Dave: I’m not sure if that would be fourth.

Kroeger: You didn’t let me finish. The fear is having to go to the hospital and getting all
those cameras and shit shoved up your ass and cock. God, can you imagine how painful
that must be? Not to mention having the doctor shove his hand up your ass.

Dave: I had a doctor shove his hand up my ass once.

Kroeger: When?

Dave: When I got my college physical. He did some body cavity search or something.

Kroeger: I’ve been to the doctor plenty of times in my life. Nobody ever stuck their hand
up my ass. Jesus, how come you never told me?

Dave: Why the hell would I tell you that? Unlike you, I don’t feel a need to share every
single story involving my ass, my balls, or taking a shit.

Kroeger: Did it hurt?

Dave: What do you think?

Kroeger: You realize now that from this point on, every time I look at your I’ll be
thinking of someone’s hand up your ass.

Dave: I look at you that way now.

Kroeger: Okay, so where was I? Fourth?

Dave: I think you are now on the fifth worst thing.

Kroeger: Yeah, okay, umm... the fifth worst thing. Do you remember that guy in the
news a few years ago who got his dick cut off by his wife?

Dave: Shouldn’t that be number one? I’d rather get gang-raped in prison than get
castrated while sleeping in my own bed.

Kroeger: I think it only qualifies as castration if you get your balls cut off.
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Dave: Fine, let’s say any sort of genitalia detachment would be number one on my list.
Or at least in the top three.

Kroeger: Okay, maybe. Number six...

Dave: Kroeger, is there any point to this whatsoever?

Kroeger: Here’s the point. You’re sacrificing your life to go to school. Meanwhile,
you’d rather sit here with me at midnight and talk about getting your cock cut off than go
to your schoolwork. What does that tell you?

Dave: That I need new friends.

(Dave gets up and walks to his room.)

Dave: I’ll be in my room writing my paper. Goodnight.

(The lights dim.)

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SCENE THREE

(Kroeger is lying on the couch watching TV. Antonio walks in. It’s late.)

Kroeger: Christ, how late do you work?

Antonio: Late. But that’s not why I’m home so late.

Kroeger: What were you doing?

Antonio: I’ve been lounging around the apartment all day watching TV. Oh no, wait a
second- that was you.

Kroeger: No, I’ve been slaving away all day at some job I hate so I can make a lot of
money that I never have time to spend so I can prove to people who used to know me that
I’m a success, even though all those people who used to know me could care less what
I’m doing now anyway. Oh no- wait a second. That’s you.

Antonio: I have some news. Is Dave here?

Kroeger: He came home a couple hours ago. He’s in his room doing work.

Antonio: Should I get him?

Kroeger: No, he doesn’t want anybody to disturb him.

Antonio: Whatever. Do you wanna hear my news?

Kroeger: Do I have a choice?

Antonio: I was at the office working late...

Kroeger: ... as usual.

Antonio: I was coming out of the building, and guess who I ran into? I mean literally ran
into.

Kroeger: Your mother.

Antonio: No.

Kroeger: Your grandmother.

Antonio: My grandmother is dead. You were at her funeral.

Kroeger: Your other grandmother.

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Antonio: My other grandmother hates you. Guess again. Here’s a hint- it’s somebody I
didn’t used to date.

Kroeger: That rules out your grandmother.

Antonio: (annoyed) Do you want to hear this story?

Kroeger: (frustrated) Just tell me already! Okay- is it someone you wanted to date?

Antonio: (excited) I didn’t even know she lived in this city- the best looking most
incredible woman in the history of the world.

Kroeger: Could this person possibly be someone you were completely obsessed with in
high school, and while all of us normal people have moved on and now see high school
as just some frivolous thing from the past, you still have a very unhealthy obsession?

Antonio: With complete pride, I’ll answer your insulting question with one word- Yes!
Phoebe McKee lives in this city! And by God’s will, we bumped into each other while
we were walking around different sides of the same corner.

Kroeger: So what happened?

Antonio: It was her fault really. I wasn’t in any hurry and I was just strolling along. She
must have been running or something and not paying attention to what she was doing.
Next thing I know, I’m on the ground and I hear this woman saying, “I’m sorry, I’m
sorry, I’m so sorry.” So I look up, and there she is!

Kroeger: Did you recognize her at first?

Antonio: Of course. She looks the exact same- drop dead gorgeous. No, in fact she looks
better. For the first maybe three seconds, I seriously thought I was dreaming. Then I get
up, and guess what she said?

(pause)

Antonio: No, I’m asking you. Guess.

Kroeger: God that’s an annoying habit of yours. Just tell me.

Antonio: She looked at me for a second and said, “Antonio?” Can you believe it? She
recognized me! More than that, she knew who I was! So then I said, “Phoebe?” like I
wasn’t sure if it was her. I didn’t want to be too obvious.

Kroeger: Of course not.

 17

Antonio: Then she said, “I can’t believe it’s you” and she hugged me.

Kroeger: With tongue?

Antonio: I just can’t believe it. Life feels surreal right now. But good surreal. I’m not
gonna be able to sleep tonight.

Kroeger: So what happened next?

Antonio: We talked for a few minutes on the street. And then I asked if she wanted to go
get a drink. You know how outside my office building there are five or six bars. Can you
believe that? For four years in high school I didn’t have the guts to even come close to
asking her to do anything with me. And here I did it so... nonchalant.

Kroeger: Antonio, you’ve been out with some really gorgeous babes in the last few
years. You’re not bad looking. And even my sister thinks you’re charming in a straight-
laced sort of way.

Antonio: But not like Dave.

Kroeger: Dave is charming in a sleazy sort of way. I’m, of course, not charming at all
but just sleazy. But why should you have a problem asking her out, or talking to her? She
probably sees you as a great catch. For God sake, your entire life since high school has
been about achieving this success, this life, that you have now, all for this one moment
eight years later where you could Phoebe McKee once again and have her be impressed
by you, to have her regret not wanting your body in high school. (pause) I don’t know
whether to congratulate you or just feel sorry for you. Go on with your story.

Antonio: Okay, so I said we should go out for a drink and talk, and she said she was in a
hurry and had to go, blah blah blah. So then I was trying to be cute and I said something
like “wherever you have to be, once you get there all you’re gonna be thinking about is
how you wish you were sitting in a restaurant having a drink with this guy you went to
high school with.”

Kroeger: And that worked?

Antonio: Then we went out and it was great. It was like I was talking to my soul mate.

Kroeger: You know what happened there, don’t you?

Antonio: Huh?

Kroeger: She wanted to go out for the drink with you all along. You never had to
convince her of anything. But of course she had to play the game, and pretend like she
wasn’t interested, and then make you beg and make a fuckin’ ass of yourself. (disgust, to
himself out loud) God I hate that.
 18

Antonio: Why are you trying to ruin my wonderful story?

Kroeger: Sorry. Go on. What did you talk about? Did she ask you about me?

Antonio: We talked for almost two hours. It seemed like five minutes had gone by until I
looked at my watch. Two hours. The time just flew. We talked about everything. All the
good old days.

Kroeger: Did you tell her about your job? All that financial stuff you do must impress
people. Of course, I still don’t actually know what you do.

Antonio: That’s because whenever I try to explain it, you get bored after about four
seconds and lose interest. Geez, I don’t even know how you passed second grade.

Kroeger: I slept with the teacher.

Antonio: So of course we end up talking about everyone from high school. I told her I
lived with you guys and she remembered both of you. Back then, I knew she was so nice
to everyone and- unlike some of her friends- she talked to all of us, but really I didn’t
think she gave of us a second thought. She barely knew us. I thought she was just being
nice. (pause) But she remembered us.

Kroeger: So now the big question. Is she married?

Antonio: Didn’t you date a married woman once?

Kroeger: Separated.

Antonio: Not to anyone’s surprise, she married Mr. Quarterback Steve Jones right out of
high school.

Kroeger: You mean ‘Mr. Asshole’.

Antonio: No argument here. Well after about a year she realized what an asshole he was
and after about two years they were finished.

Kroeger: Damn, it took me about five minutes to realize what an asshole he was. What
took her so long?

Antonio: People change after high school. I guess being the star quarterback doesn’t
mean as much to women when they hit their twenties.
 19

Kroeger: That’s a load of shit. Steve Jones isn’t the star quarterback anymore. He’s
probably fat and ugly with some pathetic job and, I assume, still and asshole. But if he
became some famous professional football player then he would still be able to get any
woman he wanted. And I bet your dream woman would still be with him.

Antonio: Jealousy doesn’t become you.

Kroeger: I’m not jealous. I’m just being honest. Look, when we were in high school I
jerked off to Phoebe just as much as you did, but when high school ended I stopped. Now
I just jerk off to whoever happened to be the last woman I see.

Antonio: Wasn’t the last woman you saw your mother?

Kroeger: Funny. I thought you’re too mature and professional to make jokes on my
level. I thought you were an adult now?

Antonio: I’m full of surprises.

Kroeger: I’m not complaining. I encourage you to sink to my level. (pause) Antonio, can
I be serious for a second?

Antonio: I don’t know. Can you?

Kroeger: Phoebe McKee was- and I’ll take your word for it that she still is- a beautiful
woman. And yes, she was really nice. But she still married Steve Jones, a guy who used
to scream ‘Lard Ass!’ every time a fat girl walked by. I remember he did that once when
Shelly Stack walked by and him and all his asshole friends, who if you remember were
Phoebe’s friends, too, started laughing and yelling the same thing.

Antonio: Who’s Shelly Stack?

Kroeger: She was this really fat girl with really bad acne and no friends. The reason I
remember her is because I still remember that incident. I bet Steve Jones forgot about it
an hour later. The next period I saw her sitting in the cafeteria, by herself of course,
crying. And nobody said anything to her. Nobody came over to see if she was okay. This
is why I think the way I do about life.

Antonio: But you didn’t say anything to her either.

Kroeger: I didn’t. And I’m part of this world I despise. I swear, I would be willing to
lose a finger to be able to go back in time to that day, just to sit down next to her and talk,
to try to make her feel good. I’ll never forgive myself for that. But still, everyone thinks
I’m a jerk and everyone thought Steve “the asshole” Jones was a real cool guy. And
here’s the thing- I just don’t want you to get hurt.
 20

Antonio: Kroeger, then let me be serious with you. First of all, I won’t get hurt. I’m just
going on a date with a woman I’m very interested in. And if I didn’t mention it, we’re
going out for dinner tomorrow evening. I haven’t asked her to marry me yet.

Kroeger: You will.

Antonio: I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone. I just want to live my life the way
I’ve always envisioned. I’m glad you don’t want me to get hurt, but I want to see you get
hurt. I don’t mean I want you to get hurt, but I want you to take chances. And when you
start taking chances, sometimes you’re successful and sometimes you get hurt. That’s the
way life works.

(pause)

Kroeger: I hope you have a great date and I hope everything works out the way you want
it to.

Antonio: Anything else?

Kroeger: And I hope you get laid.

Antonio: Thanks.

Kroeger: And blown. Take pictures for me.

Antonio: See now that’s the Kroeger I know and love. I don’t think we do well with the
serious stuff.

Kroeger: I can be serious anytime I want. Look, did you notice what I was watching?

Antonio: Wow, the news. I’m impressed.

Kroeger: And I was even watching it.

Antonio: At least during the commercials of what you were really watching- the porn
channel.

Kroeger: I was watching cartoons. They don’t have commercials on the porn channel.
We pay extra for that.

Antonio: We?

Kroeger: You and Dave.

Antonio: Did you learn anything?

 21

Kroeger: Watching the porn channel?

Antonio: Watching the news.

Kroeger: I was watching some protest in Iraq or one of those fucking countries. They
were burning American flags. Don’t these people have anything else to do? God I hate
other countries. There are like, only three things people in other countries do. They either
stand around protesting, they stand around shooting each other, or they stand around
starving to death. Don’t any of these people have fuckin’ jobs?

Antonio: You don’t have a job.

Kroeger: Yeah, but at least I occupy myself. I have a schedule. I watch TV. Nobody in
these other places ever has anything to do. Is there one person in Iran who says, “You
know what? I can’t go out and burn U.S. flags today because I gotta get to the office.”
Does Iran even have offices? Or what about Africa? Does anybody ever say, “You know
what, I can’t stand around and pose for the UNICEF cameras today because I’m a dentist
and I have appointments today.” You would think one person in one of those countries
would come up with the brilliant idea of buying a building and opening up a store.

Antonio: Brilliant as always. I’ll see you tomorrow.

(Antonio goes to his room.)

(The lights dim.)

 22

SCENE FOUR THE NEXT MORNING

(Dave and Antonio come out of their individual rooms at the same time.)

Dave: Going to work?

Antonio: Naw, I thought I’d just lounge around the house today so I decided to wear a
jacket and tie.

Dave: And you showered, too. You’re a high-class lounger. Eating breakfast here?

Antonio: No, there’s a diner near the office. I’m meeting some co-workers there. I’ll
probably just get some coffee, though. I have no appetite in the morning. Think I should
see a doctor about that?

Dave: Yes.

Antonio: How come you’re up so early? I’m usually the only one out here this early on
the weekdays.

Dave: I finished up a paper due in about... two hours. I just have to type it up. It should
only take about fifteen minutes.

Antonio: How late are you working tonight?

Dave: It depends. I’m going to work straight from class. I should be home about eight or
so.

Antonio: (remembering) Oh- so how was your big date last night?

Dave: I don’t know. It went well, I guess.

Antonio: Do you like her?

Dave: I’m pathetic. I’ve gotten to a point now where I’m so afraid of commitment, all I
can think about when I see any woman is how I’m gonna go about breaking up with her.
And I don’t mean I think about it when I’m starting a relationship. I’m talking about as
I’m asking her out on a first date. What I’m saying to her is “Let’s go to a movie.” Or
“Let’s go out to eat.” But what I’m thinking is “Okay, let’s see- the first date will go
really well, then we’ll start getting serious, then I’ll freak and want out. Hmm, I wonder
what I’ll use for my break-up speech?”

Antonio: “It’s not you, it’s me?”

Dave: Too cliché.

 23

Antonio: “I just got a job in France and I’m leaving tomorrow?”

Dave: Let me write that one down.

Antonio: So do you like her?

Dave: (thinking about it) Yeah sure, she’s cute.

Antonio: And now that we’ve gotten through your daily therapy session, let me tell you
my big news.

Dave: Oh, I don’t care. It’ll probably be something really boring like you bumped into
the girl of your dreams last night, she’s single, and you’re going on a date with her
tonight.

Antonio: You talked to Kroeger.

Dave: I finished my paper at like three in the morning...

Antonio: ... how is it?

Dave: It’s monkey shit. And after I finished it, I came back out here and talked to
Kroeger, who surprisingly was out here doing nothing. (obviously joking) And then we
had a deep intellectual conversation about the political ramifications of the urban
industrialized economy of Sweden and the way its government controls it to moderate
economic fluctuations.

Antonio: (obviously joking) Kroeger is a very deep thinker.

Dave: I think it’s time we re-evaluate our friendship with him.

Antonio: You do realize, of course, that you’re full of it.

Dave: I beg your pardon?

Antonio: About Kroeger.

Dave: What are you talking about?

Antonio: The three of us- our friendship. We’re all each other’s best friend, but you want
to pretend that it’s the two of us- me and you- who have so much in common, and
Kroeger is simply our sleazy funny lesser friend who makes us laugh but who we don’t
respect.

Dave: And this isn’t true?

 24

Antonio: No. Unlike Kroeger, the two of us dress like human beings and we actually
have lives and we can talk about what’s going on in the world and we don’t have a
biological need to make everything into a dick joke.

Dave: So what’s your point?

Antonio: My point is, just because you do those things doesn’t mean you have more in
common with me than you have with Kroeger. The truth is that you have much more in
common with Kroeger. You just can’t admit it.

Dave: No way.

Antonio: Hey, my feelings aren’t hurt, I simply accept the fact that you like hanging out
with him more than you like hanging out with me. You just can’t admit it. I’ve seen you
with you. You love talking about each other’s mothers and swearing and making
everything into a sexual reference. You just use Kroeger as an excuse. I’ve seen you guys
when you get together. You two will talk about a woman’s ass for an hour, and then later
you’ll tell me that Kroeger spent an hour talking about a woman’s ass.

Dave: You don’t like women’s asses?

Antonio: I like your mother’s ass.

Dave: He brings it out of me. The difference, though, is that I’m joking and he’s serious.

Antonio: Have you ever heard my theory that anytime you make a joke of something or
you mock something long enough, you eventually start to take what you’re saying
seriously. Okay, here’s a question. Answer truthfully. First of all, you know more about
politics than anyone else I know. I can name any state and you can tell me all of that
state’s congressmen- senators and representatives.

Dave: Wanna test me?

Antonio: I know you can, but that’s not the question. With all your political knowledge,
can you honestly say you’d rather be talking to me about the upcoming elections than
talking about sex with Kroeger?

Dave: Okay, fine. But when I start looking as bad as he does, snap me out of my disease.

Antonio: Fine. And it’s great that you’re doing all these things with your life now, as
long as you at least admit that you could be very happy spending the rest of your life the
way Kroeger does. It doesn’t make you any worse than me. We’re just different.

Dave: And I think we got off the subject somewhere. Tell me more about the wonderful
Phoebe McKee.
 25

Antonio: I can’t believe it. I just can’t stop thinking about her. Do you know what my
favorite class in high school was?

Dave: Ballet.

Antonio: It was chemistry in eleventh grade. That was the only class I ever had with
Phoebe, and she sat next to me. I remember for the first half of the year, I didn’t say a
word to her. Every morning, from the time I woke until chem class fifth period, all I
would think about was how to go about starting a conversation with her. And of course
every day at fifth period I would totally chicken out and sit there like a frickin’ goober.

Dave: One, I remember. And two, you do realize you weren’t the only one who had a
crush on her. The entire school did.

Antonio: Indulge me in my story. And it was different for everyone else. Sure, they
wanted to have sex with her and would have killed to have her as a girlfriend, but their
motives never went beyond ‘sleazy’. With me it was different.

Dave: Now you’re full of it.

Antonio: I’m not saying I didn’t want to have sex with her and, for that matter, didn’t
think about it constantly. I just always felt like there was some sort of connection
between us.

Dave: It is possible that there are guys all over the country that graduated with us that
also still think they had a “connection” with her, and that someday they’ll bump into her
again.

Antonio: But I’m the one who did. So about halfway through the school year, she
dropped her pencil. I picked it up and gave it to her, and then she started talking to me,
about our last test or something. But it was incredible. So then the second half of the year
all I would think about were those five minutes between the time we got to class and
when class actually started. All I could think about was that five-minute conversation we
were going to have.

Dave: What did you talk about?

Antonio: Nothing really. Superficial high school stuff. What was on TV the night before
or something. But it meant so much to me. And then for the rest of the day I would think
about if our conversations meant as much to me as they did to her. (pause, thinking about
it) I guess they probably didn’t.

Dave: And then the disappointment of your senior year.

 26

Antonio: That first day I was going into each class praying that she would be that class.
And she wasn’t in any. We still saw each other in the hall and she would say “hi”, which
was still the thrill of my day. But I never had the guts to just stop her in the hall and have
a conversation. I could have done that. God, I wish I could look back at things without all
these regrets.

Dave: But when she was in the hall, wasn’t she usually with all her asshole friends?

Antonio: That’s true. I guess I couldn’t have just stopped her. They weren’t all bad,
though. It was mostly that one group of guys, Steve “the asshole” Jones and Denny Little
and Gene... what was his last name? Oh yeah, Gene Townsend, Steve’s best friend.

Dave: (obviously sarcastic) Their popularity was well deserved.

Antonio: And the thing is, she probably would have liked hanging out with our group of
friends so much more. I mean, we were so much fun.

Dave: We’re still fun, which is why you don’t have to keep trying to prove yourself
anymore. High school is over. For Christ sake, you’re going out with Phoebe McBabe!
We won! The good guys won for a change.

(pause)

Antonio: I guess.

Dave: So where and when is the big date?

Antonio: Six o’clock. I’m picking her up right after work. I’ll think of a nice restaurant.

Dave: Don’t go to Sharkey’s.

Antonio: Why not?

Dave: Because you might run into Kroeger and his parents. They’re taking him out for a
late lunch. Kroeger told me they want to talk to him about something.

Antonio: What?

Dave: He doesn’t know. It’s a surprise. They said it was something good.

Antonio: I get real nervous around Kroeger and his parents.

Dave: I think they’re okay. They’ve always been nice to me.

Antonio: It’s not that. Have you ever noticed how much he swears around his parents? I
mean even more than normal.
 27

Dave: I guess so.

Antonio: That’s such a weird relationship anyway. It’s strange enough that they support
him even though he doesn’t do anything. But if my parents did that, I would be kissing
their butts all the time. Kroeger does the opposite.

Dave: I think they’re afraid of him.

Antonio: So are we, but there’s no tension when I talk to him. But when they speak to
each other, I can feel it. I can feel the tension. It’s like he’s always mad at them for doing
so much for him.

Dave: I never swear in front of my parents.

Antonio: Neither do I.

Dave: You never swear in front of anyone. But for me... when I’m with my parents I’ll
say ‘damn’ and ‘hell’ and words like that- ”socially acceptable swear words” I guess you
could call them. But even then, it took me a while to work up the nerve. And even now
when I say ‘hell’ in front of them, I’m aware that I’m saying it. I say whatever I feel like
in front of you guys and I don’t even think about it.

Antonio: I talk and act the same as I always do when I’m with my parents.

Dave: I don’t. I’m a different person. And it’s weird. On one hand, this is my normal,
regular self- here right now. And I act this way- ‘normal’- in front of everyone except my
parents. On the other hand, even though I act differently when I go home, I feel totally
free. Maybe, without realizing it, my real self only comes out when I’m with them.

Antonio: Give me an example.

Dave: Okay, and you’re gonna accuse me of going into my ‘Kroeger-mode’, but this is
the first thing I can think of- taking a shit.

Antonio: Go on.

Dave: If I’m taking a shit at home, even if I know my parents are in a room ten feet
away, I’ll go at it like there’s no tomorrow. I mean, I’ll be farting louder than a frickin’
jet plane, but I won’t care. I know they can hear me, but I feel totally safe in acting like
that, which I guess would be my real true self.

Antonio: So you’re saying if I’m in the room next to you, you control your bowels
somehow?

Dave: You? Usually.

 28

Antonio: I don’t.

Dave: That’s because people like you don’t fart. But you should hear me when nobody
else is in the apartment.

Antonio: Sort of like that age-old question about whether or not a tree makes any noise
in the forest when it falls but nobody is around to hear it.

Dave: Exactly. Now of course there’s Kroeger, who farts- and I’d bet money on this-
purposely as loud as he can when there are people around. The ‘tree question’ doesn’t
apply to him because as long as you’re on planet Earth, you can hear him farting.

Antonio: I’ll talk to you tonight.

Dave: Or hopefully for your sake, tomorrow morning.

Antonio: I have to go. Bye.

(Antonio picks up his briefcase and leaves.)

(The lights dim.)

 29

SCENE FIVE

(Kroeger’s parents are sitting alone on the couch.)

(Kroeger comes out of his room.)

Kroeger: Do you always just walk into people’s homes unannounced? Or is it too much
to ask a person to fuckin’ knock first.

The Mother: David let us in.

Kroeger: Where is he?

The Father: He left.

Kroeger: So I get to spend some quality time alone with my parents? Lucky me.

The Mother: Honey, you look... good.

Kroeger: Very sincere. You look old.

(pause)

(Kroeger walks around for a moment, like he doesn’t know where to go and he’s trying to
think of something to say.)

Kroeger: So, umm, can I get you anything? Mom, a beer? Dad, some ecstasy?

The Father: Thanks, but I think I’ll save my appetite for the restaurant.

The Mother: That David is so friendly. What’s he doing now?

Kroeger: Nothing. He just got out of prison.

The Mother: What is that Antonio doing? He was always such a nice boy.

Kroeger: He fucks dead people.

The Mother: I’m so glad you’re such good friends with those two. They’re such a good
influence.

Kroeger: What’s that supposed to mean?

The Mother: Nothing. They just seem like good people to know.
 30

Kroeger: It’s ironic you should say that, because when Antonio’s mother comes over,
she refers to me as that “piece of shit she doesn’t want him living with anymore”. (pause)
Although that might have more to do with bitter feelings. I used to date Antonio’s
mother.

The Father: C’mon, Keith. Your jokes are one thing, but stop putting yourself down like
that.

Kroeger: Who says I’m joking?

The Father: I talked to your brother last week. And your sister, too.

Kroeger: I have siblings?

The Mother: Ronnie said he came to see you last week.

Kroeger: He did.

The Mother: Did you two have a nice time?

Kroeger: (suddenly very angry) I always have a great time when he comes over. And I
always have a great time when Sally comes over.

The Mother: Did I say something wrong?

Kroeger: Why are you always so shocked that I get along with my brother and sister?
Because they’re rich and successful and I’m not? Does that mean we can’t have anything
else in common?

The Father: Keith, you know your mother didn’t mean anything by that.

Kroeger: Yes she did. Mom, did you mean anything by that?

The Mother: Of course not.

Kroeger: No?

The Mother: It’s just that you have such a spark, even more so than Ronnie and Sally...

Kroeger: Here is comes.

The Mother: And I know that if you put your mind to it, you can be just as successful as
them.

Kroeger: Maybe I can’t.

 31

The Father: What about when you did that think with computers a while back. That
seemed to go well.

Kroeger: I fuckin’ hated it.

The Father: You didn’t give it a chance.

Kroeger: What was the name of Sally’s friend she used to have, the one with the big ass?

The Mother: I don’t know.

Kroeger: Yeah you do. She had a real strange name. I think it started with a ‘D’ or
something.

The Mother: Darry Montclaire?

Kroeger: Yeah, that’s it.

The Mother: She was a nice girl.

Kroeger: She wasn’t that nice.

The Father: What about her?

Kroeger: She was Sally’s age, about six or seven years older than me, and I always heard
all the gossip about her.

The Mother: How?

Kroeger: Because I used to sit outside Sally’s room and eavesdrop on her telephone calls
with all her other friends.

The Mother: Did Sally know?

Kroeger: No.

The Mother: (in a scolding tone) Keith.

Kroeger: What? You’re gonna punish me for something I did when I was thirteen?
Okay, then I guess I might as well come clean. When I was eight, I spilled juice on the
floor and let you blame Ronnie for it.

The Father: Stop being ridiculous, Keith. What’s your point?

Kroeger: And one time, when you weren’t home, I tried on mom’s dresses. And that was
ten months ago!
 32

The Father: Are you going to continue being foolish, or are you going to finish your
story?

Kroeger: (somewhat surprised) What’s gotten into you?

The Father: I’m starting to lose patience.

Kroeger: Darry Montclaire. You know that she and Sally still keep in touch. And she’s
still married to that guy her parents hated. And they’re happily married. This information
I just got from Sally last month. And I wasn’t even eavesdropping.

The Mother: I used to talk to Anne Montclaire back then. Boy, her and Don couldn’t
stand that guy. In fact, I don’t remember them liking any of their daughter’s boyfriends.
(pause, thinking about it) Boy, I haven’t spoken with her in years.

The Father: Who?

The Mother: Anne, Darry’s mother. But I remember when Darry got married to that
boy. What was his name?

Kroeger: Jeff.

The Mother: Jeff. That’s right. Darry was only nineteen when she got married. She was
only a few years out of high school. As I think about it now, I can remember the situation
well. There wasn’t a wedding. Anne and Don wouldn’t pay one cent. And they wouldn’t
even go see their daughter get married. Hmm, I’m trying to think back... I think they
eloped.

Kroeger: Not exactly. They just a really small wedding with just a few friends. Sally
went.

The Mother: Oh, yes, I remember.

Kroeger: But do you remember why her parents hated Jeff, her boyfriend, so much? Do
you remember what he did to her?

The Mother: Hmm, I don’t think he did anything. But I remember them being very
unhappy with the situation.

Kroeger: What was?

The Father: I know. The guy was a loser. He had some job with no future, I think he
dropped out of high school. He was obnoxious. And he looked a little strange, unkempt.
And he had all those tattoos. Why would someone want to do that to himself?
 33

The Mother: He also wasn’t the best-looking boy, not that that’s important.

Kroeger: But it is important, at least it is in this case.

The Father: Why?

Kroeger: Because all of his flaws made him the perfect match for Darry. Everyone
thinks they’re entitled to greatness, but they don’t look in the mirror. Everyone wants
perfect, whether or not they deserve it. In the case of relationships, everyone wants to
find someone great-looking, smart, successful- even if they’re not. And parents want it
even more for their children. They’re even blinder when it comes to their kids. Darry
wasn’t particularly pretty, she didn’t have the best personality in the world, she barely got
through high school, and at the time I don’t even think she had a job. Basically, this Jeff
guy was what she deserved. Do you know where the handsome, charming, rich guys are?
They’re out dating beautiful rich women. Why did Darry’s parents think she deserved
any more than what she got?

The Mother: So what happened with Jeff? Is he still the same?

Kroeger: He’s the manager of some hardware store. Not a bad job. And he’s more
successful than Darry would ever have been without him. Shit, let’s face it- she was a
moron.

The Mother: And you said they were still married?

Kroeger: Sally said they were very happy. They’ve been married quite a while already,
more than a lot of marriages last. And she has two kids, which I guess is good if you like
kids. (pause) Which I don’t.

The Father: But what does this have to do with you?

Kroeger: Why do you assume I can be so successful if I put my mind to it? When
Ronnie and Sally did well in school, everyone said it was because they were smart. When
I did shitty, everyone said it was because I wasn’t applying myself. Maybe I was just
dumb.

The Father: You’re not dumb.

Kroeger: Hey, I don’t feel dumb, but maybe I am. I’ve never done anything to prove
otherwise. ‘Smart’ and ‘brilliant’ and especially ‘potential’ and all those other words are
so overused. They’ve been used on me so many times, I should get them tattooed on my
ass. Right next to the skull and crossbones.

The Mother: But you have such a spark, everyone says that.
 34

Kroeger: Abraham Lincoln had a spark. Albert Einstein had a spark. And the sad but
true fact is I’m never gonna be president and I’m never gonna invent anything important,
or whatever it is that Einstein did.

(pause)

The Father: (angry) I think you’re lazy and spoiled and full of excuses.

The Mother: (to the Father) Honey...

The Father: No, this has gone on too long. It’s time I say my peace.

Kroeger: That’s what I want you to do.

The Father: You’ve held this family hostage long enough. Your mother always worries
about you, your brother and sister make excuses for you. You can do anything you want
but you settle for mediocrity.

The Mother: We just want you to achieve all your goals.

Kroeger: I have no goals.

The Father: Then you better start getting some- like eating and paying rent.

Kroeger: (to the Mother) What’s he talking about?

The Mother: This will be for the best.

Kroeger: (nervous confusion) What the donkey-fuck is going on here?

The Father: Your mother and I made a decision and we’re cutting you off.

Kroeger: From the family?

The Mother: No, of course not.

Kroeger: Then from what?

The Father: From the money. We’re not giving you one red cent anymore. It’s time to
make it on your own.

Kroeger: (loud) What! You can’t do that!

 35

The Father: Keith, your mother and I love you. Everyone loves you. And don’t think of
this as a punishment, think of it as an opportunity. Look, I’m not trying to hurt you, and
we’re not blaming you either. I blame myself. Every since you were a child, we treated
you differently than your siblings. I guess I didn’t want you to think we loved you any
less, even though you were such an underachiever. So we let you get away with things.
We never got upset were you did poorly in school, and then when you dropped out of
college after a semester, and then left the community college after less than a year, and
then when you quit that computer company after six months. (pause) And that was my
mistake. I now realize that you show your children love by punishing them when they do
wrong, by encouraging them to improve on failure, by showing you care. (pause) Taking
away the money is my way of apologizing.

Kroeger: Yeah, and you should have thought of this when I was twelve. Now what am I
supposed to do? It’s like when they take a lion that’s been held in captivity all his life and
they send him out alone to live in the jungle. He doesn’t know how to survive.

The Father: But he learns. He learns to adapt because he has to.

Kroeger: No, he doesn’t. He ends up getting his ass kicked by squirrels and bunnies.
And I hate lions.

The Father: First of all, we’re not just going to send you out in the wild alone. Don’t be
so dramatic. We’re giving you three choices.

Kroeger: I can’t wait to hear them.

The Father: Do you remember my friend Wesley?

Kroeger: No.

The Father: I told him about your situation and he has very graciously offered to give
you a job at his box factory.

Kroeger: That sounds good, but could you shoot me first.

The Father: Here’s your second option. If you would like to go back to that community
college, or any other school you could get into, this is the deal. You have to get through
the first year on your own. Not only that, but you must get through with at least a ‘B’
average. If you do that, then your mother and I will pay for the next few years after that
until you get your diploma, as long as you maintain a ‘B’ average.

Kroeger: How am I supposed to pay for the first year?

 36

The Father: Do what everyone else in the world does- work for it. Or take out loans.
Whatever. Figure it out. It’s time you start thinking on your own. We understand how
you’re feeling about all this now, but you’ll appreciate it in time. I look forward to our
relationship ten years from now, when you’re a big success. And we know you will be.

Kroeger: What’s the third option?

The Mother: That’s up to you.

Kroeger: Okay, I choose to keep things going just as they have been.

The Mother: No, that’s not what we mean.

The Father: It’s up to you in the sense that you can do whatever you want. But nobody
is going to pay for you. And if you can figure out how to survive while doing exactly
what you want, then good for you. That’s all we’ve ever wanted. (pause) For you to be
happy.

(pause)

Kroeger: How long do I have to think about this?

The Father: No hurry, a few weeks. And we know you’ll make the right choice. I have
big hopes for you.

(pause)

The Mother: Well, I don’t know about you two, but I’m getting hungry. What do you
say we head out to Sharkey’s now.

The Father: I’m game.

(The Mother and the Father start to leave. They’re standing at the door. Kroeger remains
sitting.)

The Father: Aren’t you coming, Son?

(pause)

Kroeger: Uh, yeah, I just need a sec. Why don’t you and Mom go start the car. I have to
get something first. I’ll be out in a minute.

(The Parents leave. Kroeger stares at the closed door in disbelief.)

(The lights dim.)

 37

SCENE SIX THE BAR

(Antonio and Phoebe McKee are sitting at a table-for-two. Their drinks have already
been served.)

Phoebe: I had a really nice time at dinner.

Antonio: Me too. I had a great time.

Phoebe: So this bar, have you been here before?

Antonio: Yeah, me and my housemates come here sometimes. It’s funny. We see each
other all the time, but it seems like we never go out together anymore, I mean socially.
We used to.

Phoebe: What happened?

Antonio: Kroeger won’t go out anyplace where he’s not within ten feet of cheap alcohol.
So that tends to limit us.

Phoebe: You’re joking.

Antonio: Yes, I’m joking. (thinking about it) Well... sort of. But it’s not just that. I don’t
know, we’re busy all the time, at least me and Dave. I guess things change as you get
older.

Phoebe: Tell me about it. And not just ‘things’. People change.

Antonio: Yeah. (pause) Well, I don’t know. Do you think so?

Phoebe: What do you think?

Antonio: Hmm, well, I’ll tell you. I like to think I’ve become sort of successful, at least
for my age. You don’t think that’s bragging too much, do you?

Phoebe: No, you earned the right to talk about yourself proudly.

Antonio: That’s nice of you to say.

(Antonio pauses for a moment and looks into Phoebe’s eyes.)

 38

Antonio: Anyway, I have to meet with professional people all day long. And I think I
come off just as professional and important as they do. I fit in well, I guess. And Dave is
on his way to big success. He’ll have a Ph.D. in a few years. And he works at this office
part time, actually more than part time, to pay for rent and school and everything else. He
hates it, but the thing is, if he quit school then he could work there full time and make a
very good salary. And Kroeger’s changed too, not for the better, but he lives a different
life than he used to. He never did much work or... well he never did much of anything.
But he used to be a lot more social and outgoing. He used to have a life.

Phoebe: Then you’re saying that people change.

Antonio: That’s the thing. If me and Dave and Kroeger could somehow build a time
machine and go back to high school, we’d still be the exact same. Of course there are
some things we did then that we wouldn’t do now. And there are things I didn’t do then,
that I would do now. And maybe we’re not as awkward and we know more and we look
older, but basically we’re still the same three guys. The three of us get together and we’re
seventeen again. And I don’t think we’ll ever change.

Phoebe: But those professionals that you work with, if they saw you when you were
seventeen, they wouldn’t recognize you- I don’t mean physically but I mean you as a
person. They don’t see you as that same seventeen-year-old geeky kid. They see you as
the adult you are now.

Antonio: Geeky?

Phoebe: ... that same seventeen-year-old cute kid.

Antonio: That’s because I’ve tricked them all. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror,
with maybe shorts and a T-shirt on, and I think “what a joke”. I have no idea what I’m
doing. I’m still that geeky seventeen-year-old high school kid. Nothing’s changed. I put
on a tie in the morning and people give me thousands and thousands of dollars to do
something with, and I’m supposed to put together million dollar deals. Then I go home
and watch cartoons with the two guys I live with. It’s like I still go back to my dorm
room. I can afford to live by myself. Do you know why I still live with those guys?

Phoebe: Why?

Antonio: Because life still scares me and those guys make me feel safe. It’s not
necessarily them specifically. I mean... we’re good friends, but nothing more than that.
They’re not my ‘soul mates’ or anything like that. We’re just friends. But... they’re my
safety net.

Phoebe: I don’t understand.

Antonio: I remember in like sixth or seventh grade we’d all cheat off of each other’s
tests.
 39

Phoebe: Not something you’d do now, of course.

Antonio: Of course not. I would never cheat now. Even by the time I hit high school I
had some ethical standards. But in seventh grade I was an idiot. All seventh graders are
idiots. But anyway, I remember several times where I would put down, say, ‘B’ on a
question on a multiple choice test. And then I would glance over to the kid next to me,
who would often be the dumbest kid in the class, and I’d notice that he put down a ‘C’.

Phoebe: And you changed your answer?

Antonio: Of course. I had no confidence in myself.

Phoebe: So what the dumb kid right?

Antonio: Of course not. Those kids never scored more than a thirty-five on their tests.
And nothing changed when they got to high school.

Phoebe: I think I was friends with some of those people.

Antonio: And I would get the test back and the only questions I got wrong were the ones
where I cheated off the morons.

Phoebe: Might explain your current position on cheating.

Antonio: That’s what separated me form the other smart kids. That’s what still separates
me. They always knew, or at least they seemed to know, exactly what they were doing. I
felt like I was just getting lucky.

Phoebe: Were you?

Antonio: I don’t know. So far, my life has gone exactly the way I’ve wanted it to, so I
guess I must be doing something right. But still. (pause) A few years ago, I took a road
trip with Dave and Kroeger. We were maybe two hours away from home, and we were
driving through these tiny little towns. And of course we got lost. Dave was asleep and
Kroeger was in the back seat drunk. So we get to this intersection, and I have a choice. I
can either go left or I can go right. So I start to go left, which was a complete guess but as
good as anyone else’s guess. As I start to turn, Kroeger yells from the back seat, “Go
right!”

Phoebe: You turned right.

Antonio: I had more confidence in the drunken idiot’s guess- and I say ‘idiot’ out of
love- than in my own.
 40

Phoebe: But so what. Look at you now. You look great and you’re doing great. If all
those guys from high school could see you now. I bet you’d love to show them up.

Antonio: The truth? I could care less. I only care about what one person from high
school thinks about me.

Phoebe: Who?

Antonio: The only person I cared about back then. You.

(pause)

Phoebe: (embarrassed) I don’t know what to say. I’m flattered.

Antonio: You’re perfect. You were then and you are now.

Phoebe: Antonio, I don’t know what to say. I wasn’t perfect then and I’m certainly not
perfect now. My life’s a mess.

Antonio: Don’t say that. I’m not just trying to be flattering. I’m telling the truth. I know
what I’m talking about. (pause) I love you. And it’s not a crush and I’m not just trying to
get you into bed. I have no other motive right now then to just tell you, Phoebe McKee,
that I love you.

(pause)

Phoebe: I’m... in shock right now. I can’t believe you’re saying these things. I just...
wasn’t prepared.

Antonio: (overexcited) I’m prepared. I’ve been prepared for the last seven years. And I
don’t want to scare you. I haven’t been stalking you all these years or anything like that.
I’m not insane. I just, I know what feels right.

Phoebe: But Antonio, I mean, even in high school I didn’t think we were that close.

Antonio: When we were in high school, I was nobody. I was different than my friends.
Dave was smooth and charming. He still is. I always knew that he could have been really
popular if he wanted, but he stayed with the people he liked. He was so secure. And
Kroeger just sort of did what he wanted. He didn’t care.

Phoebe: You think you were a nobody because you weren’t popular?

Antonio: No, I was nobody because I didn’t mean anything. I didn’t... I didn’t have my
place. It’s hard to explain, but I know what I’m talking about. You had a place.

Phoebe: What was that?

 41

Antonio: You were there to be perfect. That was your place. When I was a freshman, I
got sick in class one time and threw up in front of everyone. Of course that’s all anybody
was talking about for the rest of the week. Humiliating. How come you never threw up in
class? When I was a sophomore, some kid tripped in the cafeteria and his entire lunch
flew in the air and landed on me. All day long I had these gross stains on my clothes and
food in my hair. How come food never landed on you? How come you look so perfect?

Phoebe: There were other pretty girls in high school.

Antonio: But they didn’t look like you, and even if they did it wouldn’t be the same. You
were so nice and friendly. When you walked by some geek in the hall, and you smiled
and said “hi”, didn’t you realize how much that meant to him? Don’t you realize what an
affect you had on guys like me?

Phoebe: No. (pause) I mean I don’t know.

Antonio: I think you do. I think you knew the power you had and I think you liked it.

Phoebe: Maybe I did. Okay, so what’s the point? (pause) High school is over.

Antonio: The point is... (to himself) What’s the point? (pause) The point is... what do you
think of me?

Phoebe: Antonio, I really like you.

(Antonio smiles.)

Antonio: Good. (pause) So... can I take you out on another date sometime? I’m sorry I
got so weird, it’s just that... I don’t know. But I don’t wanna rush you or anything. Maybe
we could catch a movie or something... in a few days.

Phoebe: The thing is, Antonio, I didn’t think of this as a date.

Antonio: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: I guess I misunderstood. I thought we were just two old friends who bumped
into each other and are enjoying each other’s company.

(Antonio gets very angry. He gets up from his seat like he’s going to walk away. Then he
sits back down.)
 42

Antonio: (angry, losing control) What are you talking about?! How could you not think
this was a date?! We’re not friends and we never were! Friends are people I see. Friends
are people who have my phone number and who call me and who are there for me. When
I meet a woman and ask her out, that’s a date.

Phoebe: It’s not that I couldn’t like you like that. You’re a great guy. But I’m seeing
someone right now.

Antonio: (calmer, sarcastic) I’m sure he’s a swell guy.

Phoebe: Actually you probably know him. We all went to high school together.

Antonio: Who?

Phoebe: Gene Townsend. He was on the football team.

Antonio: Is this a joke?

Phoebe: No, you’d like him. He’s a nice guy.

Antonio: Let me guess- my friends are playing a big joke on me and you agreed to be a
part of it. (looking around the room) Okay, so where are the hidden cameras? You guys
got me really good this time!

Phoebe: What are you talking about?

Antonio: First of all, Gene Townsend was the only guy in the world who was a bigger
asshole than your ex-husband, Steve “the asshole” Jones. This was a guy who- one time
in the locker room- made tiny Craig Scanlon drink his own piss or he’d beat the shit out
of him. There is nothing bad that could happen to Gene Townsend that wouldn’t make
me laugh. Second of all, if memory serves me correctly, weren’t Gene Townsend and
Steve Jones best friends?

Phoebe: They were. Why are you being so mean all of the sudden? When I was going
through a tough time with Steve, Gene was there to console me. He became my best
friends. And one thing led to another…

Antonio: You have to be joking! This isn’t happening. I’m in a bad dream right now.
Right? One thing led to another?! Gene Townsend was… is… garbage.

Phoebe: (terribly insulted, timid, and still nice) I think I should leave.

Antonio: Good.

(Phoebe gets up.)

 43

Antonio: But before you go, I wanna tell you two things. First, ten years from now, after
you’ve wasted yet another day of your awful, boring life, and after you tuck in your awful
little children, and hubby Gene comes home and commands you to get him his beer while
he sits in front of the TV in his favorite chair, you’ll notice a unique smell. It will be the
smell of another woman’s perfume on his collar. And when that happens, I want you to
think of me.

Phoebe: I’m leaving now.

Antonio: Wait. One more thing. Don’t ever say that people change after high school.

(Without acknowledging his last comment, Phoebe leaves. Antonio stays seated.)

(The lights dim.)

 44

SCENE SEVEN OUTSIDE

(Dave walks by a homeless man sitting next to the wall of a building.)

The Bum: Hey, friend.

(Dave stops.)

Dave: Are you talking to me?

The Bum: Friend, can you spared some change? I haven’t eaten today.

Dave: Umm… yeah, sure.

(Dave takes a dollar out of his pocket. He walks over to the Bum and puts the bill in The
Bum’s cup.)

The Bum: God bless you, friend, for sharing your good fortune.

Dave: Hey man, I don’t have any good fortune. I’m poor, too.

The Bum: Would you like to sit down next to an old drunk? We can talk some.

(pause)

Dave: Sure, why not.

(Dave sits.)

Dave: So, umm… Do you always ask people to sit down with you like that?

The Bum: I never get the chance. Usually I ask them for money and they just ignore me.
They just walk on by.

Dave: You really can’t blame them, you know. I mean, people have their own problems.
They don’t owe you anything.

The Bum: I don’t disagree. But what about you? Do you make it a habit of stopping and
talking to the homeless?

Dave: First time.

The Bum: You’re avoiding something.

Dave: What do you mean?

 45

The Bum: That’s why you’re sitting here with me. There’s someplace you have to be but
you don’t wanna go there.

Dave: I don’t know. I guess so.

The Bum: Or maybe not. Funny thing about being a bum, I do nothing all day but sit
around, but when I say something, for some reason everyone thinks I’m sharing some
sort of brilliant wisdom.

Dave: Are you?

The Bum: No. I’m no different than anyone else in that I don’t know what I’m talking
about. It seems nobody does.

Dave: But you were sort of right, I mean just now.

The Bum: That wasn’t too hard to figure out. If you have time to sit next to a bum, it
means one of two things- you have nothing better to do or you have something better to
do but don’t want to do it. And from the looks of you, you have better things to do.

Dave: Can I get philosophical with you?

The Bum: I don’t know what that means.

Dave: Me neither.

The Bum: Why don’t you just tell me what’s on your mind. You shouldn’t keep your
feelings bottled up and I have nothing else to do. This is the highlight of my week.

Dave: The thing is, it’s not that there’s a place I have to go but don’t want to, it’s that I
don’t know where I’m supposed to go.

The Bum: You mean in life.

Dave: I go to school during the day; I pay for it by going to work at night. And I don’t
know why.

The Bum: Do you like school?

Dave: I don’t know. I guess. I’m going for a Ph.D.

The Bum: Impressive.

Dave: I guess so. And I like being there. I like the... atmosphere- the classes, the
intellectualism.
 46

The Bum: What about your job?

Dave: I like my job. I could do it full time and make a lot of money. I work for this guy’s
small business- small but growing.

The Bum: So you like being academic, you like making a lot of money. What’s the
problem?

Dave: There is no problem. That’s the problem.

The Bum: I don’t understand.

Dave: I’ve always felt that I could do anything I wanted. I could be anything, and I’d be
successful at it. But whatever I’m doing, I always feel like I should be doing something
else. I don’t know what I’m... striving for.

The Bum: I think I understand. You live your life waiting to cross the finish line, but you
don’t know where the finish line is, or what it is.

Dave: Exactly. Do I sound like I’m whining?

The Bum: Yes, but that’s all everyone does these days- whine.

Dave: I guess.

The Bum: You’re handsome.

Dave: Huh?

The Bum: I said you’re a handsome young man.

Dave: You’re not trying to hit on me, are you?

The Bum: Give me a break. I was just gonna expand on that by asking what else it is that
you do. School and work can’t take up all your time.

Dave: I do other things.

The Bum: Women:

Dave: I don’t have much of a problem getting dates.

The Bum: For some people, marriage and children are very fulfilling.

Dave: For some people.

 47

The Bum: But not you.

Dave: Sometimes I think having a family would be nice. But sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes I think having a steady job for the rest of my life and making a lot of money
would be nice. But sometimes I don’t. Like you said, I don’t know where the finish line
is. I wish God would just come down and tell me what to do. I wish he would say, “Get
married. That’s what success is. Have two kids, not one and not three but two.” Whether I
liked the results or not, I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do, what the ending
was. You would think God would do that when you’re like eighteen or something. He’d
invite you up for a beer and tell you what your purpose is. “Okay, Dave, here’s what I
want you to do. I want you to get your Masters degree, but don’t go any further in school.
Then, after school, I want you to keep your first job about a year. Then I want you to
keep your second job for the rest of your life.“ Life would be so much easier if God was
more social. (pause) Do you believe in God?

The Bum: Sure, why not.

Dave: But what about your life? You don’t think that God would have told you to sit on
the curb for the rest of your life, do you?

The Bum: Probably not.

Dave: Can I ask you a couple of questions?

The Bum: You mean about ‘why I’m a bum’ sort of questions?

Dave: Don’t you prefer to be called ‘homeless’?

The Bum: I don’t really care what people call me, as long as they drop some money in
my cup when they pass by. (pause) Was that one of your questions?

Dave: Why don’t you just get a job and clean yourself up a bit? It can’t be worse than the
way you’re living now.

The Bum: The truth of the matter is that I don’t think my life is all that bad. I mean, if
someone gave me a free house and a million bucks, I’d take it. But until that happens, I
prefer to just sit around. I don’t have to work, I get enough money to eat, I don’t have to
get- what did you call it- ‘philosophical’. ‘Philosophical’ is for people who are bored. I’m
not bored. I wake up in the morning, I watch the people walk by, I think about whatever
comes to mind. I like to just think about things. Not philosophical things- just things. I
take a nap whenever I want. Occasionally, some kid will come up and spit on me or
something, to impress his friends, but that doesn’t happen very often. Basically, I’m
pretty content. I think if I talked to God, he would tell me to do exactly what I’ve been
doing. I crossed my finish line years ago.

Dave: But why should you get to just sit around when everyone else has to work?
 48

The Bum: Who says you have to work? You could do the same thing I do.

Dave: No I couldn’t.

The Bum: No, you probably couldn’t. But that’s only because you strive for more. And
you have nobody to blame for that but yourself.

Dave: But you weren’t always where you are now.

The Bum: No, and I wasn’t any happier than I am now.

Dave: Did you go to high school?

The Bum: I was never happy in high school.

Dave: But you went?

The Bum: Sure, I even went to my prom.

Dave: Did you like it?

The Bum: I went with a beautiful girl named Sally. And she ended up begin taken home
by a different guy- my best friend!

Dave: And that one incident caused you to be a bum for the rest of you life?

The Bum: Hmm, I never thought about that. Maybe it did.

Dave: Okay, let me ask you another question.

The Bum: Shoot.

Dave: Let me think...

The Bum: Would you like some help?

Dave: No, I have one. The money I gave you, are you really gonna use it for food or are
you just gonna buy more alcohol?

The Bum: I have to eat.

Dave: Here’s another one. In the winter, all these homeless people look like they’re
freezing to death. I know I am when I go outside. So since you’re not doing anything else
anyway, why don’t you just spend your time walking down South where it’s always
warm? That’s what the birds do.
 49

The Bum: I don’t know. But I don’t have a problem with the cold.

Dave: There are so many bums in this city, why don’t you find some remote, small town
to live in as a bum? I bet you would make a hell of a lot more money than you do now.
You wouldn’t have any competition. No ‘rival bums’. Everybody in town would know
you. I bet it would be like a tradition for families and kids to walk through the park and
give money to the town bum. You’d be... an attraction.

The Bum: You have some fresh ideas. Now do I get to ask you some questions?

Dave: You didn’t give me any money.

The Bum: What if I give you your dollar back?

Dave: Keep it. What do you want to know?

The Bum: Tell me more about your women.

Dave: Hey, do you guys date the bag ladies?

The Bum: I get to ask the questions now.

Dave: Shoot.

The Bum: How come you don’t have a nice girl to settle down with yet?

Dave: I don’t know. No, I do know. Okay, here’s the thing. I like women; at least I don’t
dislike them more than I dislike most men. But to me, and I refuse to be called sexist for
this, the only point of dating, and even relationships, is to have sex.

The Bum: I watch older couples walk by all day. Some of them have probably been
married for years and years. You think they stay together just for sex?

Dave: No, they probably like each other, which is great. But here’s the thing. When it
comes to a meaningful relationship and everything that comes with it, if you take away
the ‘sex’ then I’ve already found people I want to spend the rest of my life with. And
they’re both guys.

The Bum: So why don’t you marry one of them?

Dave: That’s the problem. I like having sex with women. Okay, besides good sex, give
me some qualities that define a perfect relationship.

The Bum: Having things in common, sharing the same sense of humor, trust, honesty,
wanting to see the person all the time... How am I doing?
 50

Dave: Anything else?

The Bum: When you know you can spend the rest of your life with a person, then it’s a
good relationship.

Dave: You’ve just described the relationship I have with my two best friends. Except that
we don’t have sex. At least not with each other.

The Bum: Maybe you should try adjusting your tastes.

Dave: You know, even if I was gay, I still don’t think I’d wanna fuck either of them.
Especially Kroeger- one of the guys I’m talking about. And no matter how much I may
like a woman I meet, I still never want to... “be” with her as much as I want to be with
my friends. Except I want to have sex with her, not with my friends. So that’s why I don’t
understand relationships. Who am I supposed to be with and why?

The Bum: I’m not so sure everyone thinks the same way as you. From my experience,
people enjoy the time they spend with their mates.

Dave: Bullshit. Or... “semi-bullshit”. Everyone feels the same way I do, they just don’t
always know it. Let’s say a man... or let’s say a woman meets the man of her dreams and
she falls in love. Who is the first person she tells? Not the man. She tells her friends.
That’s what everybody does. That’s because a real bonds come from communication, and
we only form real bonds amongst the people with whom we can really, truly be
ourselves. And that’s never the people we fall in love with.

The Bum: Let me give you a situation. What if a man and a woman are best friends first,
and then they develop a romantic relationship. Then they would have that bond you’re
talking about, but they would also get sex from each other. The best of both worlds.

Dave: If they eventually became romantic and had sex, then that means the guy always
wanted to have sex with her, which means the original relationship was never... “real”. It
was fake. In other words, he never really liked her and trusted her. He just thought he
really liked her because he wanted to have sex with her. Sex plays a lot of tricks on you.

The Bum: What did you say you’re going to school for?

Dave: Sociology.

The Bum: Are these the sorts of topics you discuss?

Dave: Not really.

The Bum: Can I ask you another personal question?

 51

Dave: Let me ask you one first, then you go, then I have to go. I mean really go.

The Bum: What’s the question?

Dave: You’re a good guy, and I like talking to you. And I’d like to stop by again.

The Bum: What’s the question?

Dave: No matter how many times I may stop by, would you be offended if I, well, if our
friendship never went beyond that and I never invited you to my apartment, or gave you
my phone number or anything like that?

The Bum: You don’t want things to get too personal because when it comes down to it,
I’m still just a bum and I could still be some crazy lunatic or something.

Dave: No, it’s not that exactly.

The Bum: What is it?

Dave: It’s just that getting too involved with you personally would be... well, sort of
creepy. I’m hope you’re not too hurt.

The Bum: A little, but not offended. You know why?

Dave: Why?

The Bum: Because all those idiots who march for the homeless, and talk to me in the
soup kitchen and wanna be my fake friends so they can tell people how compassionate
they are, those assholes are full of shit.

Dave: Those assholes go to graduate school with me, and they’re always protesting about
something and you know what?

The Bum: What?

Dave: Getting involved personally with them would be really, really creepy.

The Bum: I feel the same way.

(pause)

Dave: Hey, what was the other personal question you wanted to ask me?

The Bum: I forgot... No, wait, I remember.

Dave: What?
 52

The Bum: Can you give me some money? I could really use a drink.
 53

SCENE EIGHT THE LAST SCENE

(Antonio and Kroeger are sitting on the couch. Dave walks in.)

Dave: Hey, how was your big date?

Kroeger: My big date?

Dave: You didn’t have a big date. You never have a big date. I’m talking to Antonio.

(Antonio says nothing.)

Kroeger: He came in ten minutes ago. Still hasn’t said a word.

Dave: About the date?

Kroeger: About anything. He’s just been sort of sitting there.

(Dave sits.)

Dave: It went that well?

Antonio: You know what you get for being a good person? And for trying to live a
decent life and for playing by the rules?

Kroeger: Shit?

Antonio: I was going to say ‘nothing’. You get nothing.

Dave: (to Kroeger) And how was your day?

Kroeger: About the same as Antonio’s.

Dave: Why?

Kroeger: My parents aren’t gonna support me anymore! They want me to get a job!

Dave: Haven’t they made that threat before?

Kroeger: Not like this. This time they’re serious.

Dave: So what are you gonna do?

Kroeger: I don’t know yet. I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about it. And I’m doing a
good job of that.
 54

Dave: Do you know what the problem is?

Kroeger: Why?

Dave: Every decade of your life has the same amount of years.

Kroeger: That doesn’t make sense.

Dave: From the say you’re born through the time you’re ten-years-old, that’s ten years.
When you’re in your thirties, you have ten years of that. When you’re in your fifties, you
have ten years of that. Same thing with your forties, your sixties. But time shouldn’t be
like that. It shouldn’t always keep going... the same speed. For some parts of your life it
should slow down, other times it should speed up.

Kroeger: And your twenties should slow down?

Dave: Definitely. Man, your twenties is the decade of your life. Think about it. When
you’re twenty, you’re still a kid. When you turn thirty, let’s face it, you’re old and life is
over. Those ten years from twenty to thirty, they should take at least twenty years. Your
entire life is in your twenties, and everything after that has already been determined by
how you lived your twenties.

Kroeger: Like what?

Dave: Your career, your wife... after you hit thirty there’s no turning back. And before
twenty, you don’t know what the hell you’re doing so everything before that is pointless.
So by the time you finally get a chance to live, when you’re finally old enough, you can’t.
You’re too busy worrying about the rest of your life.

Kroeger: I think from the age of twenty-one to twenty-eight, your life should be
government supported.

Dave: Oh yeah?

Kroeger: Let’s get rid of all the welfare and the social programs and all that crap, and
let’s make a new law. When you’re born until the time you turn twenty-one, you have to
follow all the rules. Go to school, do your homework, get beat up by bullies, get rejected
by the girl you love, all that “learning about life” shit. And then when you hit twenty-
eight, you have to get a job, pay your bills, drive your kids to soccer practice, all that “life
is hell” shit. But for those years in between, the government fully funds you- housing,
food, everything- and you that one brief time in your life to really live, to have fun. No
work, no commitments, no worries, no nothing.

Dave: But what if, say, you meet someone you love and you wanna get married and
have kids before you turn twenty-eight.
 55

Kroeger: Fine. But you lose your state funding. Then you have to get a job and all that
other nightmare activity. If you choose to live that way- fine. But don’t blame me.

Antonio: (staring out into space) How is it that you idiots are able to breath properly?
You’re so full of crap! I mean, doesn’t all the crap get mixed into your lungs and interfere
with your air supply? Doesn’t that affect your lungs somehow? I remember learning
about the human respiratory system in high school, and I’m sure the teacher told us that if
your lungs are full of crap, you can’t breath. Yes, now that I think about it- I specifically
remember learning that crap is even worse that cigarette smoke. When you’re full of crap,
you can’t breath. You two are wonders of science.

Kroeger: Mr. Douglas taught us about “crap”?

Dave: (slightly defensive) I was just joking.

Kroeger: I wasn’t.

Dave: You were both serious. You actually believe what you’re saying. Do you guys
have any concept of real life?

Kroeger: Not really.

Antonio: First of all, when you guys were eighteen and nineteen it was the best time of
your life. I know. I was there! I never heard either of you talking about how you “can’t
wait for your twenties because that’s when life really starts”. And all the complications
that came with being young is what made life so great. Who was dating who and saving
up money to buy a car and saying ‘good-bye’ to people you’ll never see again and
meeting new people... That’s what life is all about- constant challenges coming your way
and finding ways to meet them. That’s true of being young, that’s true of being old, and
that’s true now. And that’s the difference between living life and sitting on a couch doing
nothing, which is what we’re doing now. We’re sitting on a couch.

Dave: You just made me feel stupid.

Antonio: That’s not hard to do, and I’m not even finished.

Kroeger: But you will be soon, right?

Antonio: (ignoring Kroeger) I’m look forward to getting older and finding the right
woman and driving a mini-van and figuring out how to pay for my kids’ college tuition
and all that stuff. Maybe it’ll all be easy and maybe it won’t. But I look forward to the
challenge. Because that’s life and that’s living!

Kroeger: Hold on there, Socrates. Weren’t you sitting here a minute ago complaining
about how bad things are?
 56

Antonio: Do you want to know how my date went?

Kroeger: My only interest is whether or not you got lucky, which I’ll assume you didn’t
since you’re with us. (pause) Sitting on the couch.

Antonio: It was incredible. She’s incredible.

Dave: Then what’s the problem?

Antonio: She happened to mention in passing that she’s not interested in me because
she’s with Gene Townsend now.

Kroeger: Gene Townsend that asshole? That Gene Townsend?

Antonio: That’s the one.

Kroeger: You gotta be joking.

Antonio: I know, I know.

Kroeger: I thought he was dead.

Dave: When did you hear that?

Kroeger: I didn’t. I just assumed God would’ve killed him by now because he’s such an
asshole. Doesn’t God do that- punish assholes?

Antonio: He’s alive and well.

Dave: So what are you going to do?

Antonio: What can I do?

Dave: I thought she was the woman of your dreams. You’re superior to that dickhead in
every way. Why don’t you fight for her?

Antonio: I don’t know. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Or maybe it turns out she just isn’t
the woman of my dreams.

Kroeger: Antonio, I think- and I can’t believe I’m saying this- you should go for it.
Make her yours. You’re too nice a guy to be depressed about a woman. Give her a call.
 57

Antonio: You know what, sure I’m depressed right now. I just got rejected. And I’ll say
things I don’t mean, or that I won’t mean a few days from now. But I’ll get over it. And
I’ll move on and I’ll meet someone else and I’ll be happy. Or maybe I will try to call her
again. I don’t know. But I’m just glad my life moves on. For better or worse, it never
stops. I don’t know if I’d even want to freeze eight years of my life doing nothing. Dave,
are you really happy going from woman to woman without any depth to any of your
relationships? Aside from the ‘avoiding commitment’ thing, you just not... learning
anything from any of these people. Every date you’ve had this year is essentially
meaningless in the overall structure of who you are, of your life. And Kroeger, so you get
a job and it sucks. So what. You’ll just move on to the next one, a better one. And if that
one sucks, you can just go to another one. And if you never find anything you like to do...
big deal. Join the club. But in the meantime, a million other things will be going on in
your life.

Kroeger: God, you really are in a bad mood.

Antonio: No, well yes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in what I’m saying.

Kroeger: I have no idea what you’re saying. What I know is that you didn’t get laid
tonight and you’re taking it out on us.

Antonio: Here’s the nutshell version. Life sucks and nobody knows what they’re doing.
We’re all in agreement. So you have two choices, you can either fight it or accept it. You
think you’re fighting it and everyone else- all the boring, regular people- just accepts
their terrible fate. But the truth is that everyone else out there- all the “regular” people
you mock- are fighting every day. And you’re the one who accepts this terrible existence.

Kroeger: Let me tell you a story.

Dave: We know all your stories.

Kroeger: This is the one story I’ve never told you.

Antonio: Tell.

Kroeger: Do you remember when we were in high school, and every summer I had to
spend a few weeks upstate with my cousins, who had some big summerhouse on the
lake?

Dave: Yeah, and you would come back every summer and tell us how you met some girl
and all you did was have sex.

Kroeger: I may have exaggerated.

Dave: You do realize we knew, even then, that you were lying.
 58

Kroeger: But the time I nailed your sister- that was true.

Dave: I don’t have a sister.

Kroeger: So anyway, there was this one summer and I was like thirteen or fourteen,
something like that. And my one cousin is the same age as me and he had friends in the
town that he would see every summer. I never went for more than a week or so, but my
cousin always spent the entire summer there.

Dave: I’m starting to bore.

Antonio: Yawn.

Kroeger: Me and my cousin and his three other friends, who I hated, would hang out at
night, smoking cigarettes and not doing much and thinking we were cool. Basically we
were a group of dildos. So anyway, this one night my cousin’s friends dragged us down
some back roads to some farm somewhere. Actually, I don’t know if it was technically a
‘farm’, but it had horses and cows.

Dave: I think cows, by definition, make any plot of land a ‘farm’.

Antonio: I agree. If there are cows, it’s a farm.

Kroeger: It was real late, and it was pretty dark out and we all hopped over the fence.
Then one of the guys pulls his pants down and yells, “Hey guys, check this out!” Then, I
swear to God, he starts fucking the cow.

Dave: Oh give me a fuckin’ break!

Antonio: (cheering up) The untruth to that story is too great to be charted.

Dave: (sensing Antonio’s new mood) Kroeger, do you hate us? Because by exhibited
such a lack or respect for us that you think we believe this shit, then you must really hate
us.

Kroeger: Let me finish. So the kid starts fucking the cow. Sick, right? I’m just about
ready to pass out. So then all the sudden, another one of the guys whips it out and he
starts doing another cow. And this point I’m about to throw up.

Antonio: I’m about to throw up.

Kroeger: Then my cousin says to me, he says, “C’mon, let’s do it. Let’s get laid.” So
then my cousin starts porking a cow. Then the last guy there...

Dave: (interrupting) Please don’t tell us he starts fucking the horses. For the love of
humanity, not the horses!
 59

Kroeger: The point of the story is this.

Antonio: There’s a point to this story?

Dave: The point is to always use a condom.

Kroeger: (trying to take himself seriously) Would you just listen to me for one frickin’
second! At that point, I realized that life couldn’t get any worse. Society has hit
Armageddon. Basically, life has sunk to its lowest possible point. I think God looked
down and said, “Oops, I guess I made a mistake. See ya.” And He left.

Antonio: That’s not true.

Kroeger: About God?

Antonio: No, the story. That never happened.

Dave: I’d have to side with Antonio on that one.

Kroeger: You always side with Antonio. Besides, you butt-heads are missing the fuckin’
point! (pause) And it did happen. What, you don’t think people have sex with animals?

Dave: Not without you telling us.

Kroeger: Look, at the time I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. And I haven’t really
thought about it since. I blocked the whole incident out of my mind. And I’m sick of
defending myself, for crap sake. I was just trying to help. I have enough to worry about.

Dave: You know what I’ve been thinking about?

Antonio: What?

Dave: We’re always talking about ‘work’ in terms of getting a good job. And hoping we
have a good boss and hoping we make a lot of money and hoping the job doesn’t make us
want to kill ourselves. But... who says we can’t create our own jobs?

Kroeger: You mean like start a business? A restaurant?

Dave: Any business.

Antonio: Risky.

Dave: (to Antonio) I thought that’s what you were ranting about. Life is risky, but you
have to take some chances.
 60

Antonio: That’s not exactly what I was trying to say.

Dave: Whatever. Look, we’re three smart guys. Right?

Antonio: Define “smart”.

Dave: Who says we can’t do anything we want. Who says we can’t make a fortune on
our own. Who says we can’t do something we love- and do it on our terms.

Antonio: What do you have in mind?

Dave: I haven’t gotten that far yet. But I will. I think if we work together we have a lot of
potential.

Kroeger: You know, I’m starting to really hate the word.

Dave: Potential?

Kroeger: Let’s agree never to use that word ever again.

Dave: Why?

Antonio: I agree with Kroeger. What does that mean, anyway? I bet the bums on the
street have a lot of “potential”. You are what you are, or what you make of yourself. It
has nothing to do with “potential”.

Kroeger: When you think about it, the word doesn’t even exist.

Dave: All words exist.

Kroeger: Fine, but the word doesn’t mean anything. The only way you can know if
someone has potential is if he accomplishes something. But if that happens, then it’s no
longer “potential”, it’s doing.

Dave: I think it means what’s expected of you. Or... what’s expected of us.

Kroeger: Expected by whom? My parents?

Dave: No, what we expect from ourselves. Let’s say somehow I knew I would never see
anybody I know ever again- I would never see my family, my friends, and even if knew I
would never see the people I probably won’t ever see again, like ex-girlfriends and
people from high school- I would still feel pressure from all of them. I could never be a
bum living on the street because I know it would disappoint my parents. I could never be
a bum on the street because I know it would amuse too many people I hated in high
school. You can never escape the pressures of yourself. That’s what I mean by potential.
 61

Antonio: I wonder what Danny Kunkel is doing today.

Kroeger: Who the hell is Danny Kunkel?

Antonio: Don’t you remember? He was that little genius kid we went to grade school
with. Then they kept moving him up, skipping grades. He was in high school when he
was eleven.

Dave: He’s probably in jail for shooting his parents.

Antonio: I remember the teacher said they had to let him skip so many grades because he
got bored in class.

Kroeger: I got bored in class. How come they never let me skip a grade?

Dave: So do you think we can really start a business together?

Antonio: Can we? Yes. Will we? Probably not.

Dave: Then what do you wanna do?

Kroeger: I have an idea.

Antonio: What?

Kroeger: Road trip.

Dave: Where?

Kroeger: Man, I don’t know. Someplace fun. What, we’re too old? We can’t do stuff
together anymore?

Dave: To get in a car and travel to some unknown destination? Yes, we’re too old.

Kroeger: God, Dave. What happened to you?

Dave: I started dating your mother. I’m whipped.

Kroeger: So for the next, like, sixty fuckin’ years you’re not gonna be able to do
anything you want? You’re not gonna do anything fun? Your entire life will be...
responsibility? Kill me now.

Dave: You think you’re gonna live sixty more years? Have you seen the way you eat?

Antonio: I agree with Kroeger.

 62

Dave: About what?

Antonio: Let’s just drive somewhere. The best stories always come from someplace you
never expected.

Dave: I didn’t expect the ‘sex with cows’ story, and that wasn’t any good.

Antonio: No, I’m serious. Let’s go someplace.

Kroeger: Okay, so we got two real men here and one pathetic has-been.

Dave: Fine. (pause) Let’s go.

Antonio: But let’s wait until the weekend.

Dave: I agree.

Kroeger: (frustrated) What the hell is wrong with you sissies! That defeats the whole
purpose. This was supposed to be spontaneous.

Dave: Wait until the weekend or I can’t go.

Antonio: Yeah, I have to work.

Kroeger: (annoyed) Fine. We’ll do something this weekend. What a bunch of babies.

Antonio: (happy) We do our best.

Dave: So what’s on TV?

Kroeger: Nothing.

Dave: Good. Let’s watch.

(The lights fade to black.)

(The play is over.)