Begging everyone on the internet to stop smoothing out their middle aged men and draw wrinkles for the love of god I promise it's so fun you'll love it Come into my wine cellar

no.

Did you just DeWalt my fucking white

Asking AI for information is like asking your drunk uncle for information. Usually wrong, definitely untrustworthy, and a little bit racist.

Scrolled past this agakn and just can't get over how much I love it. We need to make things beautiful again and this is such a wonderful example. The beadwork on the wires of a utitarian object, contrasted with the grey concrete.

"gay or european" also goes for middle-aged women btw. that lady with short hair no makeup and sneakers isn't a lesbian she's just german

i walk a fine line between “i’m asexual and i hate how much the world revolves around sex” and “sex is way too stigmatized and people should be able to be more open about it if they want to”

I think these are two sides of the coin called "sex should not be such a big deal"

Cannot emphasize this enough, do not sign for a loan with someone you're dating. That shit is already used for so much abuse within marriages but to be financially attached to someone you're not even married to will cause you nothing but problems. Don't do it

Dont co sign for that car your boyfriend of one year wants. Do not take out a joint loan with that person who only just moved on with. And for the love of God do not sign for a mortgage with someone you would not legally attach yourself to in the eyes of the state. That person now can wreck your credit and has unbelievable control over your ability to get loans and housing going forward. Don't fucking do it

tbh no april fools gag tumblr ever pulls will ever be as good as the lizard election of 2016 staff put more effort into that than the rest of this website combined and it shows

for those of you who werent here in 2016 on april fools that year the entire fucking website was transformed and there was an election for a position that wasnt even ever specified and the candidates were four lizards (or three lizards and a salamander as a scandal would later prove) and it was called decision2016

each lizard had their own 3d models and tumblr blog and campaign and there was also a tumblr blog dedicated to reporting on the election and they made like whole ass news broadcasts with a guy in front of a green screen

you could vote for your favorite candidate and there was a built-in function that let you make and post a campaign poster

in case anyone was wondering the winner of the election was mop. relatable and reliable. #Mop Could

lest we forget

This was absolutely the biggest April Fools effort I ever witnessed while on staff. I already posted about this in an ask but here’s more of the shit that went down behind the scenes.

- Like all April Fools, this was done entirely through volunteer work on Staff. No one was forced to work on April Fools, it’s always employee-initiated and driven, even if it needs approval from leadership.

- The prank almost didn’t go through because leadership felt that the lizards weren’t relatable enough, so the compromise was to give them hats.

- The video updates on the Decision 2016 blog were greenscreen Fiverr actors that were all recorded months? Weeks? in advance? I wasn’t on creative so I don’t know all the deets about how those were made.

- As mentioned in my post, the victory speech by Mop was one of our designers screaming as loud as she could in a closet near the end of the day. The full audio was never posted but staff kept passing around the scream on slack and laughing about it for months afterwards

- There was a “war room” dedicated to advancing the election narrative as votes came in, posting updates in real time and also pushing changes to code as necessary (for bug fixes and what not)

- The votes were real and the “election” was decided by real users, even if the graphics and whatnot were exaggerated for comical effect. Mop won because Mop won. Democracy at work

- Someone brought in their own lizard to celebrate the proceedings. It was a bearded dragon

- This was the culmination of what was probably the most cohesive and imaginative (and largest) creative team Tumblr ever had. Unfortunately almost all of them are now long gone, and Tumblr Creative is now just a skeleton crew compared to their peak

- Wretched Tooth Doesn’t Like To Talk About Himself

- People drew porn of the lizards and posted it on Tumblr. Staff saw it and were sending it to each other on the company Slack. We thought it was great. I mean, terrifying, but great

- This picture of David Karp is my favorite photo of David Karp I have on my phone

a whole chapter of my tumblr memoir will be “lizard election 2016”

it was the first project i ever led myself, and i thought i’d be fired for sure by the end of it. completely worth it. would do it all again.

my only regret, echoed by @zacksultan and a few of the other creatives, was that we didn’t get BuzzFeed and other press in the war room with us at the time. it was magical.

Killing and hatred and violence

DESTRUCTION AND DEATH

Seasons do not change on their own. They do so because this dog dismantles them piece by piece.

It’s crazy and fucked up that being yourself is actually the solution.

It’s like. When I was told to “just be yourself” as a kid I thought it was a passive thing. Like oh easy I just have to sit here and be myself. but the reason so many people think that “being yourself” is bullshit advice is because you actually have to make active choices to do this and it WILL make your life way more fun. You have to wear t-shirts of bands that were popular ten years ago because you like them. You have to do your hair in a way that you find cute or comfortable even if it’s “so nineties”. If your friend says a food you enjoy is gross to them, you can’t be afraid to admit you casually disagree. You have to do hobbies that you’re interested in even if you’re bad at them and you cant feel like you have to get good at something before you tell people it’s an activity you do. You have to read manga and comic books in public and get piercings your relatives think are unattractive. You don’t have to tell people you dislike that you dislike them, but you don’t have to give them your time and attention either. You have to rewatch that kids show you’re nostalgic for even if you’re in your 30s. You have to change your name if you hate it, even if only a few close friends can know. You have to get fun girly drinks at the bar. You have to order hot chocolate when you don’t like coffee and black coffee when you don’t like sweet things. I am still bad at practicing this but it is the only way to make it all tolerable.

First you have to realize that "yourself" is a construct built by the decisions you make. Then it becomes clear that being yourself is a deliberate and intentional practice, not a passive state of existence.

my soft and comfortable mama

@1-tiger-every-day

I was telling some friends about how useful the archive feature on Tumblr is, so I went to find an old post I'd reblogged and added to a while back. I wanted to update a couple of things in my reblog of it, but I kept getting an error message about the original post's reblog settings, so I then discovered that reblogs have been turned off. :( Anyway, here's the OP if you want to check it out, and my addition, which I hope is useful to some folks:

I highly recommend using your Tumblr archive on desktop (or mobile browsers, but that's very clunky)! Without it, Tumblr is kind of a black hole that eats anything you share, and I would never be able to find things I've posted or reblogged.

For folks who don't know how tags work in your blog's archive, you can search for any tag you've ever used and the archive will show you all those posts and reblogs in a handy grid format. For example, if I want to see the fics I've recommended, broken down by month, I go to (remove the spaces after the periods):

cacodaemonia. tumblr. com/archive/tagged/fic rec

Once the page loads, the url will read 'fic%20rec' at the end, but you can enter tags normally when you're searching for them. In other words, use spaces and don't worry about the %20.

You can also use the archive with other people's blogs, assuming they have 'enable custom theme' toggled on under blog settings (there's some disagreement about this in the OP linked above - possibly, you can see anyone's archive if they have certain visibility settings toggled? idk). So if someone you follow uses consistent tags for their art, fics, gifs, meta, etc., you can use the same url format above—just replace my username with theirs, and 'fic recs' with whatever tags you want to search for.

In addition, you can sort the archive according to year/month and post type, like images, text, video, etc.

This probably seems super basic for a lot of Tumblr users, but it's something I figured out on my own after ages of being frustrated with the site's 'search function,' so hopefully this will be helpful for people who don't know about the feature.

It must be exhausting being a vampire and eating someone who gets off to it. I’d take psychic damage too if my lasagna was into vore.

me: *slaps neck* COME GET Y’ALL FUCKING JUICE

the vampire whos been avoiding my horny ass for the past 6 months:

# the comedic potential of a reversed predator-prey dynamic is funny as hell and WILDLY under-utilized

was measuring out some sugar and i scooped out one spoonful and fucking said "two." i didn't know you could even lose count that fast

Do you knit or crochet? I think you would fit in well.

there are characters for whom “poor little meow meow” doesn’t quite cut it. To me he’s like a traumatized pit bull mix with a bite history and I’m the white girl with a savior complex trying to stop them from putting him down

Something you should always remember about every single person you see on this site is that they are a tumblr user. They are the kind of person who uses tumblr