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Alpaca > Llama

@cynicalalpaca / cynicalalpaca.tumblr.com

Heyo

browsing social media in 2025 feels like this. ragebait. fearmongering. ragebait. ragebait. misinformation. straight up lies. ads. engagement bait. more ragebait. doesn’t matter. don’t care. cute cat picture

Too bad the prophet Cassandra never met Odysseus

They say if she made a prophecy Nobody would believe her

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kansascity-elffriend

I’ve gotta say, that is exactly the kind of stupid thing that probably would circumvent a curse.

Cassandra: YOU ARE ALL GOING TO REGRET THIS SO MUCH YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. 

Odysseus: Regret it why?

Cassandra: You won’t believe me if I tell you. If I prophecy, nobody believes me. That is my curse.

Odysseus: … I’m Nobody. Fill me in. 

*A couple of months later* 

Odysseus: HELLO PENELOPE, I AM HERE PRECISELY ON TIME AND NOT YEARS LATE incidentally I rescued and adopted a Trojan seer while I was away, she’s great, got me home really fast, Cassandra this is your new mother who’s not going to treat you like shit. 

Penelope: … I’m going to need more details, but okay, sure. 

Cassandra: *in tears* I love you, new family. 

Cassandra: Penelope, I’ve had another vision.

Penelope, sighs: Go tell your father.

Chat they made Minecraft into a silly goofy cringe movie even through Minecraft is actually about life and earth and the universe and tearing meaning out of the ground and molding it with your hands into something that you can be proud of. They made the pink sheep look ugly and funny for a cheap laugh when it should’ve been a beautiful moment where you, age eleven, come across this rarity, this beautiful anomaly and you hold its face in your hands and stare into its chocolate brown eyes and you realize what the whole world is about. Chat they made it into a joke

Okay so in my Computer Applications class we learned about conditional formatting in Excel, where you can change the color of a cell by inputting certain values.

We're supposed to use it to model heat gradients in metals, but I found a better application:

FROG ART

everybody say "thank you superman 2025 for bringing truly irredeemable villains back with lex luther!"

he is a cold blooded killer. he has pathetic tantrums and throws pens on the floor. he only wears black. he delivers a fantasically evil villain monologue. he cries pathetically when beaten. his motivation is not related to some tragic backstory, but is simply jealousy twisted into something so deplorably evil. he is bald.

this movie really is All That™️ and then some.

Listening to a podcast

"Let's take a word from our sponsor."

*Skip ahead a minute* "You can-"

*Skip ahead a minute* "Use code-"

*Skip ahead a minute* "300,000-"

*Skip ahead a minute* "300,000-"

*Skip ahead a minute* "T-shirts-"

*Skip ahead a minute* "Motherfuck-"

*Go back 15 seconds*

Oh we're all feeling this one aren't we?

Having a much older, much more experienced person tell you you're doing well in your shared hobby is better than crack, especially when the hobby tends to be 80% retired ppl. Like, hell yeah I'm gonna get a good grade in birdwatching and I'm not even 50. Child prodigy moment

There is literally no better drug- none- than showing your knitting to some really old ladies at the knitting circle at Bumfuck Town Library and having them positively fawn over your stichwork. These ladies have been knitting since 1942 and they think I'm a wizard?

I rode that high for weeks.

my new thing whenever an embarrassing memory jumps up out of some backwater neuron to t-bone my present-day thought process is to declare a statute of limitations. like i can burn down an entire building in the state where i live and the law deems it both unfair and illegal to prosecute me after six years have passed, i think that thing i said in high school can be expunged from my record.

Okay, but this is actually kind of genius.

My family has a related Policy called "The Five Year Rule". Five years after an embarrassing or dramatic event happens to someone, everyone else has to shut up about it. This rule was created to keep some of my aunts from bringing up shit from fifteen and twenty years ago at family dinners.

So if you need to set a statute of Limitations: If it would be fucking rude of your auntie to bring up at thanksgiving, it's rude for your brain to bring up at 3AM too and it needs to eat some mashed potatoes and shut up.

I was talking about intrusive memories of stupid childhood shit with my parents recently, and my mom asked my dad if he still had feelings of guilt/shame about shit from his childhood.

His answer: "I'm 77 years old. I can't be feeling responsible for some shit a 9 year old did."

sherlock holmes deduces you are trans before you've figured it out yourself and refers to you with those pronouns and then when you look confused is like "ah...had you not arrived at that conclusion yet?" and wafts away in his dressing gown to smoke seventeen pipes, leaving you in a gender crisis

Hercule Poirot deduces you are trans by accident because he suspected you of murder and broke into your house and searched your stuff then puts 2 and 2 together when Hastings makes an innocuous observation about your fashion sense or something and he jumps up and cries “mon dieu!!!” before striding over to you kissing you on both cheeks and saying “ah, cher ami, you must live as you choose!” and then running off to confront the real culprit while you stand there in befuddlement

Columbo deduces you're trans from context clues while he's talking to you about the area, immediately uses your preferred pronouns and starts telling you about his cousin, who's also transgender, and how they got this job doing security, and how they told him that a security guard always locks up, and asks you if the guard locked up last night, and isn't it weird the place was open? And you're like, well, someone else must have opened it up. Maybe the guy in charge? He has a spare key. And then he nods and goes "the guy in charge has a spare key... well, how about that?" And then he offers you a cigar and wanders off, and a day later your boss gets arrested for murder.

Fanon Batman deduces you are trans and suddenly a free hormone clinic opens up by your home a couple months later

Miss Fisher learns youre trans and simply gives you hormones, and a little cocaine as a treat. she also invites you out to a club to meet like minded individuals. at the club you watch as she seduces the bartender and then the next day the bartender is arrested for the murder.

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