all the birthdays wishes I'm getting by 12:37am ❤️ (+ four on discord)
okay so that person who I was jealous off on that forum?? there's a high possibility that this is just conceit and/or paranoia, but I'm starting to wonder if he's copying Me????
because I made a post in one thread about My favorite character (WHO IS NOT A COMMON FAVORITE CHARACTER; he and I are the only active users with him as our favorite) and how I got invested in him just under three years ago and watched youtube videos about him before I actually watched the show he's from. unusual way of getting into a thing, right?
so why did he post a status update a few minutes later that said (paraphrasing) "now that i think about it, i actually started liking him over three years ago! i watched videos of him but never the actual show until recently haha" 🤨
that's so fucking similar. same niche character, same strange backstory, and just slightly longer ago than I mentioned?? this can't just be Me.
AND THEN last night, I posted a vent on the site's mental health thread about how I've been so suicidal and the things that used to matter to Me don't matter anymore and I'm not even sure if I wanted to live to My birthday on monday. etc. etc. I'm having a collapse okay.
but then!! a short amount of time later, he replies talking about how suicidal HE is, and how his parents starve him and how he gets attacked by his classmates at school etc. etc.
now I'm not necessarily doubting that he's suicidal or being abused. he's mentioned the former before and the latter is a pretty common cause of that.
but right after I posted My vent? when he's barely ever interacted with the vent thread before? while expressing none of the pity for Me that's standard etiquette on that thread? combined with the fact that he mysteriously has a near-identical backstory for how he started watching the show to Me?
I wonder so much if I'm just being paranoid but it's so strange. are you trying to imitate Me?? I get that's the sincerest form of flattery or whatever the fuck, but when I'm talking about how actively suicidal I am???? oh My god at least leave a sad react like everyone else did.
I usually love being on people's mind, even when it's just because they feel envious or otherwise negative about Me, but it pisses Me off to have competition of any kind, especially one that doesn't act like he wants Me to have the status and popularity that I've already spent the past year building on there.
being an "is often envious of others" narcissist instead of a "believes that others are envious of them" narc SUCKS. WDYM seeing other people do something even slightly better or faster than I do makes Me feel physically ill?? this shit is so embarrassing.
"you don't need to dress up for the dentist" ❌ WRONG ❌ color-coordinated fit in the kids play area
the narcissistic confusion that comes from experiencing an issue that makes you rage and blame others and an issue that makes you collapse and blame yourself back to back...
like, how dare you overshadow Me? how dare you act like you appreciate My special interest more than Me? I love that shit more than anything, more than you are even capable of loving at all. you aren't even good enough to mutter its name, so sit down and STFU.
oh? but I've been getting such sporadic sleep lately that I took a three-hour nap before bed, without having dinner first? so that means I've fucked up My whole schedule. all My minimal progress is gone. I'm a failure, good at nothing and undeserving of well-being.
but maybe if you didn't piss Me off so much, I would've been able to eat dinner and just go to sleep for real. but maybe I'm so broken that this is what I deserve. BUT maybe you're just making Me suffer and this is all your fault. BUT MAYBE THIS IS MY FAULT BECAUSE.....
I've been watching special books by special kids' videos as of late and MOST of them have been fine but I just finished his autistic sociopath video and he asked the woman he was interviewing "what advice do you have for people who are in a toxic relationship with a person with ASPD?" 🤨 I haven't seen him ask anyone else this, INCLUDING other mad people. #nooticing...
autism and dependence
I have medium support needs. this means different things for different people, but for Me it means that I can do a lot of things independently, but still need help with managing vital needs such as diet, hygiene, and sleep, among others.
I'm on the lower end of medium--since I'm capable of doing most things on My own--but My autistic inertia, task-switching difficulties, maladaptive rituals, and co-occurring schizophrenia all make functioning too difficult for Me to truly be low-support.
for one example, let's talk about My hygiene. when left to My own devices, I don't engage in bathing, dental care, or haircare often at all. in a matter of fact, because I currently live in a neglectful household, I only brush a few times a year.
it's not that I don't understand its importance (although some autistics actually don't), but that it's too cognitively demanding for Me. it'd take several paragraphs to explain why in detail, so to put it in bulletpoints...
- it requires that I stop what I'm already doing, which I often lack the psychomotor ability to do because of inertia.
- sudden task-switching can trigger anxiety attacks, so I can't "just do it" like other people do.
- I try to form routines surrounding hygiene, but they're almost always ineffective due to My executive dysfunction, specifically because...
- I often forget rituals that I've come up with too recently,
- I have trouble prioritizing responsibility over fun,
- it's difficult for Me to take My other deficits into account when trying to develop new routines,
- and it's similarly difficult to bring Myself to change My rituals after I already develop them.
as you can see, it's not very easy for Me. all of these same issues also mean that I have trouble tending to other hygiene tasks, eating multiple times a day, medicating My chronic illnesses, and looking for work (note: I've never had a job, so I'm not sure how this would affect actual employment).
since I don't have the support I need, I currently have seven cavities (five developed since the onset of My schizophrenia at 11), gingivitis, dry scalp, and dermatitis neglecta (visible dirt buildup on My skin). before I started wearing twists, My hair was so unkempt and tangled that passing strangers would comment on it in public.
I can't say for sure what supports I need, but from the transient periods in which I did receive more assistance, I believe that I'd benefit most from help with task-switching: someone to tell Me when it's time to do something and emotionally guide Me through the change.
I want to live alone and have faith in My ability to do it to some degree, but I also believe that I'd still need a heavily involved loved one or (financial worst-case scenario) a paid part-time caregiver to keep Myself healthy in the process.
really really really really fucked up that you're not allowed to tell your parents to shut the fuck up, no matter how obnoxious they're being or how much what they're saying genuinely sucks.
My mom woke Me up talking over and over and over with multiple people across multiple different phone calls about this disabled woman she hit (and contemplated shooting?) for trying to steal her phone, and now she's talking about it AGAIN in the next room.
no, I doubt she thought you were "one of them" (disability is a personal difference, not an organization FFS), I don't care that her eyes were weird, I don't care that she didn't speak coherently.
worst part is that this is just a thing she does sometimes: have a bad encounter with a disabled and/or homeless person, that she always gets out of unscathed, just for her to go on endlessly about how unpleasant it was, how repulsive "those" types of people are, sometimes even how badly she wants to hurt them, all in the indignant or bemused tone.
IDC that you gave birth to Me I cannot wait for you to be out of My life. I've gotta reverse-disown her genuinely no good comes out of being around her.
Mature content
I've increasingly found that one of the hardest things about being narcissistic and potentially(!) antisocial is balancing morality with My more harmful urges and pleasures.
morally speaking, I'm very pro-kindness and against mistreating others, but emotionally, I have such a sadistic streak that it's sometimes like My greatest moods come from human suffering.
like, I eavesdropped on overheard My mom arguing with her husband on the phone last night. it was such an intense argument, one of those crying, yelling, "fuck you, this relationship isn't worth it (but somehow the conversation doesn't end in a breakup)" arguments.
I know this is going to sound so heartless--and it honestly is--but it just gave Me such a thrill. even though I hate being in emotionally intense situations Myself, I love being a witness to them.
I love the severity, I love the will-they-won't-they. the way that they can say everything under the sun that'd lead to a breakup in most people, but be so mutually uncertain that I can't actually tell where things are gonna go.
I was honestly a bit surprised by how sadistic I really am; I was literally trembling with excitement. I looked in the mirror (which was directly in front of where I was listening from) and saw My eyes bright and wide.
but the longer I listened, the later into the night it got, the more My perceptual distortions kicked in and I saw Myself take on an almost emaciated visage, pronounced bones and sunken cheeks.
like a demon simply inhabiting a human form, falling apart and decaying the longer she gave into her satanic temptations. and yet, I felt no real guilt.
every once in a while, I unlock new highs and new lows. but the further I climb, the more I achieve types of bliss that I can't ever seek out Myself.
I love hearing people break down and doubt their loves, but there's no ethical way to make that happen Myself. I love sending hate anons, but there are so few people who I can logically say deserve it that I've only ever done it once (to a fanboy for a child predator, so that was 100% justified IDC).
the euphorias that I can achieve ethically are so difficult. I love being praised, but I have to wait for others to feel Me deserving of it. even once this does happen, if it comes from the wrong person, I can be brought down just as easily by experiencing how toxic or unreliable they really are.
My special interests bring Me consistent joy, but it's rarely ever on the nirvanic level that I'm looking for. only truly unexpected, great discoveries put Me in that state, which is difficult for something I expose Myself to so very often.
sometimes I hate being sober. I think back and remember when I was younger and tried to find some drug users on hinge as to find safe supply, because I'm mindful enough not to trust just any random drug dealer I find on the street.
I didn't want a relationship, so I planned on going out a couple of times, asking whoever for their plug, and then dumping them before anything got too physical.
this never went anywhere, which was almost definitely for the best, but I still contemplate how many substances there are that would bring Me this same thrill so easily. no effort, no moral violations, no dependence on others, no waning novelty.
but once again, it's for the best that I'm sober. as much as I want to say that I'd just rationalize and space out My usage, what would really be stopping Me from cracking and deciding that I needed a boost more and more often, much like what happens to many drug addicts? it's so easy to say that you're too mindful for addiction, but that's never really true, especially for someone as erratic and discontented as I am.
so I'm left without options: all I can do is try to fill the void with stories about unpredictable characters and wait until My next god-given opportunity to feast.
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30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2025
The autism month prompts are back this year! Rules: There are 30 questions corresponding to each day in April. Answer each question in your own separate post. You can answer all or just as many of them as you want. Make sure you tag your responses #30daysofautismacceptance and you can put them in the various autism tags too (#actually autistic, #autistic, etc). Please help spread this around before the start of April! And with that, I hope everyone enjoys the questions and has fun with this year's autism month prompts.
April 1st: Do you have trouble recognizing emotions in either yourself or other people? Do you ever find it hard to tell how you're feeling or even to describe how you're feeling to other people? Have you ever had trouble properly expressing your feelings? Do you have trouble recognizing what other people are feeling? How does this make life difficult for you, if it does?
April 2nd: Dependence. How independent are you? Are you able to live alone? Have a caretaker? Live with a relative? Is there anything you need help with in your daily life? If you live alone, does being autistic make anything about it more difficult? Do you wish you lived with someone?
April 3rd: Talk about family. How are your relationships with your family members? Are they generally supportive of you as an autistic person? Are they accommodating to your needs? Does being autistic affect your familial relationships in any meaningful way?
April 4th: What are your current special interests if you have any? What are some positive ways having special interests have affected your life? What are some negative ways that they have affected your life? How long do they tend to last for you? You could even talk about past special interests if you want.
April 5th: What are some ways that the neurotypical people in your life can help you specifically with the challenges you face as an autistic person? Ways they can accommodate you? How can neurotypical people help the autistic community as a whole?
April 6th: Talk about miscommunication. As autistic people communicating is something that is harder for us than neurotypical people, in what ways is communicating generally hard for you? Talk about how being autistic has led to an instance of miscommunication in the past. Talk about social blunders that you've made due to autism. Perhaps a situation where you misinterpreted something or where you said the wrong/insensitive thing.
April 7th: Have you had people treat you differently after you told them you were autistic? In what ways? How did you feel about it and what did you do?
April 8th: Are you a creative person? What are the types of things you create? Do you think being autistic has any influence over the types of things you create or your creativity in general?
April 9th: Do you struggle with mental health? Does being autistic affect your struggle with mental health? Do you have depression or anxiety and is it influenced by being autistic?
April 10th: Do you struggle with keeping up with physical health? Does being autistic affect it?
April 11th: What are some things that might come easy to neurotypical people, but which you either can't do or need help to do?
April 12th: What are some social rules that you don't understand? Talk about it.
April 13th: Are you able to pick up when someone is flirting with you or alternatively when someone is flirting with someone else? Do you know how to flirt?
April 14th: What are some of the most difficult aspects of being autistic to you? What makes it difficult? Talk about it.
April 15th: Is romance/romantic relationships harder for you as an autistic person? In what ways? If you've had romantic relationships, are your partners generally accepting of your autism? Do they do anything to help accommodate you? If you haven't had any romantic relationships, would you like one? Does being autistic make it harder for you to have one?
April 16th: Is loneliness or a sense of isolation something you either currently or in the past struggled with? Is it related to being autistic? What types of things helped you deal with it?
April 17th: Talk about stimming. In what ways do you stim? Are they vocal stims or physical stims? Do you have any stim toys? Do you tend to hand flap? Have people in the past been upset or annoyed with you for the ways in which you stim? And if so, how did it make you feel and how did you deal with it?
April 18th: Is lying something that's generally hard for you to do? Why? If so, do you tend to avoid lying? Can you usually tell when other people are lying?
April 19th: Do you ever feel infantalized by the people in your life? In what ways?
April 20th: Do people ever expect you to be capable of more things than you realistically are? In what ways?
April 21st: Do you feel like you are easier/more prone to being taken advantage of because of being autistic? Do you have trouble telling when people are being deceitful or have bad intentions towards you? Is there anything you do to combat this? Do you have people that help you with this?
April 22nd: Is there anything in life you want to do that you either can't or is very difficult for you to do because of being autistic?
April 23rd: Is there anything in life that you feel being autistic makes easier? Give some examples
April 24th: Have you experienced bullying? In a school or work environment for example. Talk about it if you are comfortable with it.
April 25th: If you could give advice to a child/newly diagnosed person on living life as an autistic person, what advice would you give?
April 26th: Do you find it easier to communicate online than in person? For what reasons?
April 27th: Is making friends something that you find hard to do? When you make new friends at what point do you usually tell them you're autistic? In what ways does being autistic affect your relationships, if at all?
April 28th: How difficult is it for you to read other people's tone of voice/facial expressions? Talk about situations where difficulty reading tone of voice/facial expressions made things harder for you
April 29th: How tactile of a person are you? Are you sensory seeking or sensory avoidant? Do you enjoy getting hugs and other types of expressive contact or do you avoid them? If the latter have you had issues ever with people not respecting that you don't like it?
April 30th: Autistic pride. How do you feel about being autistic? What does it mean to you? Is it something you take pride in? Have your feelings about being autistic changed since you first found out that you were autistic? And is there a final message you would like to share for the end of autism acceptance month? What would you like people to take away from this month?
so apparently one of My friends (not sure which one) invited that person who cursed Me out and berated Me for being a narcissist back onto the server and it's really fucking bothering Me.
I honestly thought that I'd never have to deal with them again, but now they're back? I don't want them back, I don't forgive them, and I can't see Myself ever being able to look at them and seeing anyone other than the person who caused Me to relive My trauma and left Me (someone who doesn't cry easily) sobbing for two hours straight.
not only that, but THEY left of their own volition and the server owner said after it first happened that they just "doubled down" when she tried to talk to them in private. is it really good for either of us that we're on the same server together? they don't like or trust Me, and I reciprocate that sentiment in full.
do they even understand how serious the incident was/is to Me? I know there are some people on the server who don't like each other and just don't interact much, but this feels so different.
it's not just "they have opinions I don't agree with" or "I don't like their personality," they literally attacked Me for something totally out of My control, made it clear that they see Me as basically a devil among men (note: we had no negative interactions before the incident, that's just how they felt once they found out I was a narcissist), and never apologized or even thought I deserved that much decency in the first place.
since I'm the only person there with such a demonized diagnosis, I wonder if they even understand what it means to Me. have any of them even been in My position? it wasn't just an argument--I wasn't even given the opportunity to fight back--it was a verbal attack on Me, My integrity, My dignity, and My sense of security in that space.
and even though nothing will erase how painful that all was for Me, if they're gonna be here, I at least want an apology. but here's the thing: am I even able to request one without being seen as an instigator, reviving old drama and holding unwarranted grudges?
I respect Myself too much to just stand by and act like I don't deserve one, but I also crave the respect of others too much to so readily risk being seen as overdramatic and imperious, just so I can hear some words that I'm not even certain will make Me feel better in the long run.
I'm gonna try to ask the server owner--who has private contact with the both of us--if they've ever expressed any regret for how they treated Me. I doubt it and it still doesn't help with how everyone else (who do not all talk to them in private) welcomed them back without any wariness or expressed thoughts of Me, but it'd at least be something.
also I checked the server just now to vanity-search ("maybe someone said something about Me while I was gone?"), and there looks to be ongoing controversy regarding them LMAO. to be fair, the other person is clearly in the wrong, but I just can't bring Myself to care here.
like boohoo, someone is belittling you unprompted because they believe you're innately unreliable and inferior? welcome to the club. at least he's just being snarky instead of outright cursing you out and targeting your personal traumas.
and then they're like "oh I'm so overwhelmed I'm logging off" and it's like okay. next leave the server entirely. this other person is a dick and I want him gone too though so you can both leave, actually. take care and may all My suffering be projected onto you tenfold ❤️
I'm tired of people treating narcissism as "abusive hellspawn disorder" so every overconfident/cocky-but-good character is a narcissist now. sonic is a narcissist. rainbow dash is a narcissist. papyrus is a narcissist. fuck it miku is a narcissist too. they're all narcs.
you ever just wanna say 'fuck it' and act like a complete caricature of the worst of your personality disorder even though you know it's gonna make you look like an asshole/annoying/etc. to perso/neurotypicals and make other people with the PD look 'bad', but you don't care anymore? like we are gonna be villainized by these people for the rest of time, why should we care to appease them anymore if they aren't ever gonna listen to us or our experiences anyway