I saw this mentioned as a bit of an aside on another post but since it was a little bit besides the point of that post decided to make my own post about it instead of derailing that one.

It IS very interesting how in Lord of The Rings orcs are the soldiers of a (compared to the rest of the world) highly industrialized and technologically advanced military force, yet pretty much every high fantasy media that has borrowed the concept of orcs since then has instead given them the "tribal savages" treatment, and i don't know how I failed to realize that difference until I saw someone else bring it up.

Like of course this is not saying that the depiction of orcs in LoTR is not problematic for a lot of different reasons (there have been years of discussions unpacking that) but it IS an interesting change and I think a pretty ideologically loaded one.

Thinking about it makes me remember this article I read a few years ago about how, regardless of genre trappings, a lot of high fantasy (especially in ttrpgs and videogames) actually has a lot more in common narratively and thematically with wild west ""cowboys vs indians"" films and shows than it has with its aesthetic inspirations. Like once you look at it with that lense in mind it becomes really conspicuous how much these works like giving the "tribal savages" treatment to any sapient creature that exists for the heroes to fight.

Tags by @jungwildeandfree:

#something interesting could probably be written about orcs in LOTR in light of racial thinking -- #orcs of course in LOTR were originally ELVES. who were 'warped and twisted' by the torment of Sauron and Morgoth #who then one assumes became able to perpetuate the species (unless Sauron maintained a kind of elf federal reserve) #so orcs take on many of these mmm Less Human qualities -- 'bandy-legged' and 'fanged' etc #as a result of their true nature (elvish) having been corrupted #there IS also one way in which their true nature shines through though -- elves are brilliant artisans #the elves of the First Age created boats and swords and jewels that were so perfect they became magic #orcs in LOTR preserve that ability -- they have a dark ingenuity for weapons of war that is functionally sorcerous in its results #now. let's once again examine the 'LOTR as allegory for the Great War' #Germany was (we all remember) one of the more aggressive nations going into the Great War #but prior to that point they were a NEW nation as well! one which had a TON of intellectual and manufacturing power #Germany could have been regarded as 'the future of Europe'--they were advanced and cosmopolitan and had a strong academic tradition #and their reputation (at the time) was one of strength and honor and ingenuity--and a warlike nature--but ultimately great promise #but in the Great War all of that went sideways--became twisted by propaganda and the idea of Der Tag and the ideals of German supremacy #and in the years running up to WWII (when writing LOTR) Tolkien (we know) was aware of the further corruption of German culture -- #--which was taking place under Hitler and the Nazi Party. #So in sum you have here -- this great nation (Germany) which had sprung up newly-formed with such potential -- #--the character of its people much-discussed with excitement for what the future might hold (and some apprehension about what they Wanted) #and then this nation of craftspeople and thinkers and artists (Germany for example INSTRUMENTAL in the Romantic movement just decades prior #(not only in terms of 'art' (visual) but also literature and philosophy) #--Germany also gave Europe the philosophical origins of several disciplines (psychology--phenomenology--sociology)-- #--at a time when these disciplines were considered to be infallible and possibly indicative of a bright and enlightened future of humanity #--Anyway then THIS NATION of great and high character is corrupted and all its people march to war -- #and their ingenuity is turned to violence and propaganda and clever weapons and explosives and choking gas #anyway yeah you get the point. TLDR there's a lot that could be said about the 'true nature' of orcs in LOTR #as a representation of the 'fall' of Germany from grace during the twentieth century #and of course originally 'fantasy' orcs are. mm. the bare scraps of Tolkien's idea filtered through the minds of American men from the 60s #so of course they are. simply racist

Scooby Dhu

Mystery Incorporated gave us the idea that Scooby was descended from a race of interdimensional alien beings called "Anunnaki" (btw in irl mythos they are actually a group of Sumerian/Mesopotamian gods, kinda odd choice) that possess the occasional animal (we even see Sun Wukong amongst them) to give them human-level intellect + supernatural abilities to their descendants.

So technically Mystery Incorporated could be considered an adaptation of "The Shadow Out Of Time" - just with the Yiths inhabiting animals instead of humans.

Since I although it's interesting idea, I kinda dislike the idea of one mythology taking credit for another (Sun Wukong is very much a Chinese character, not a Mesopotamian one) and reducing rich character origins to "its aliens", I as an irish person shall give my own idea for what Scooby is;

He's a fae.

Not knowingly though. The eponymous dog is unaware of this fact due to being raised as a normal dog.

In irish culture, the largest dogbreed the Irish Wolfhound (a mix of extinct native wolves & imported Borzois, hounds, and Great Danes) are often used to depict fairy creatures such as the Pooka or dogs owned by greater fae beings. The infamous being Bran and Sceólang owned by Fionn Mac Cumhaill, an ealry irish folk hero.

Fun fact "dhoo" (pronuced "Doo") is the Manx Gaelic word for "dog". A common term for "black/fairy dog" sightings in the Isles is to call them "Moddey Dhoos" to distinguish them from regular "madra" dogs or "Cú" hounds.

Most the time fairy dogs are harmless though. Mfers love eating and drinking. They will form tight bonds with their chosen family that can transcend death itself.

One hound named Failinis was also said to frequently and accidentally break physics around him when he got happy/drunk.

Also they can be terrible cowards.

So imagine: Shaggy, in a rare show of bravery, protects what he thinks is a "weird-looking" puppy from other kids, only to gain a life-long fae companion who thinks he's a normal dog and that all other dogs are weirdly quiet.

the thing that's fun about parker and elliot is that elliot is clearly used to being the most extreme and damaged person in the room but anything he's done parker has done it worse and weirder to a degree that makes him feel genuinely outclassed

And what's truly incredible is that Parker is completely unaware that, say, being a getaway driver at nine is absolutely insane

I’m watching Splash (1984) which is a romcom about a guy who falls in love with a mermaid, and when she chooses a human name she chooses Madison and guy says “that’s not a real name, but alright” which seems to imply that Madison was not a name until at least the 80’s and all girls named Madison are actually named after the mermaid. thought you should know

I think...you might be right

what the fuck

“This is Bull. He’s a chimera, which is a single animal that genetically is two animals. In his case, a black lab and a yellow lab. The result is extremely adorable.”

but look even his little footsies are different and he is so darn cute 

dead

I do love how the fandom thought Camila was Normal(tm) but now that we have gotten more of her it’s been revealed that she’s just as weird as the rest of Luz’s friends and family. Like this woman was in an energy drink pyramid scheme for three years. She beat up a conspiracy theorist with la chancla. She discovered that her daughter had been replaced by a snake shifter and went ‘oh sweet two daughters’. She keeps a closet in her basement filled with cosplays and fandom memorabilia. She scheduled her wisdom teeth surgery the DAY BEFORE her wedding. The fact that she gave her baseball bat a little kiss and yelled ‘BRUJA TOSS’ before attacking the demon attempting to kill her daughter. She left her other daughter back home to impersonate herself as soon as Vee suggested it. Truly the most Mom of all time

More thoughts on the murder castle

Everyone seems to think that ‘the rooms reset’ is a rule of the castle and we have to figure out why the exceptions exist. I maintain that the resetting of rooms isn’t a rule of the castle, but simply another element of the puzzle.

Everything resets except things the Doctor needs as clues and context, right? Turn that around. What if the resets are themselves clues and context? Then that means that the ‘rules’ and exceptions are actually the same thing: clues that lead to…

Signs of futility.

Combine the rooms that reset – evidence of his presence wiped away – with the rooms that don’t reset – evidence of his previous work failing to come to fruition over and over and over.

The rooms that don’t reset serve as both clues to the puzzle and constant torture. Imagine sussing out that you’ve been at this for five million years and seeing how much wall there still is. That would be a lot more heartbreaking than seeing an untouched wall. Evidence of effort fallen woefully short hurts a lot more than no evidence of effort at all.

Leaving the clothes, the dust, the skulls, and the wall is actually the dial operating according to its one and only rule: operate in such a way that you get the confession.

Because for most people, a day would come before two billion years have passed when they’ve just seen one too many of their own skulls. Or the wall is just too damn thick. Or the stars are just too damn different. Or it’s just overall too much.

Just no one was banking on the Doctor.

character meme | amy pond          ↳ seven scenes | [1 / 7] the wedding of river song

Maybe I’ve written this before, but I really love these moments between River and Rory, especially after knowing how they’re related.

Like, here, she confides in Rory about her feelings, her worries about the future, how she’s afraid it will kill her when she meets the Doctor and he doesn’t know her. She doesn’t do that with Amy–River supports her much in the same way she supports the Doctor, reassuring her, giving advice, being firm about things. Their relationship is very different than her relationship is with Rory.

But I think it goes all the way back to this speech of Amy’s: “I wish I could tell you that you’ll be loved, that you’ll be safe and cared for and protected. But this isn’t a time for lies. What you are going to be, Melody is very, very brave. But not as brave as they’ll have to be. Because there’s someone coming. I don’t know where he is, or what he’s doing, but trust me, he’s on his way. There’s a man who’s never going to let us down, and not even an army can get in the way. He’s the last of his kind. He looks young, but he’s lived for hundreds and hundreds of years. And wherever they take you, Melody, however scared you are, I promise you, you will never be alone. Because this man is your father. He has a name, but the people of our world know him better as the Last Centurion” (x).

River is very very brave all the time, but she knows she can show Rory when she’s afraid because she knows that she’s not alone when Rory’s there. And Rory is loyal and always there for her, even before he knows the depth of their connection.

And I really find that interesting.

I love this description about River and Rory, but I disagree about Amy and River. We see Amy support her daughter, teach her things, and be there as the maternal figure several times. Going from River’s POV:

I absolutely adore River and Rory’s scenes, and they are different together than she is with Amy. Rory is his daughter’s hero, the one to lean into, to chase away the bad things. The one who gets what’s going on in a moment like she does that the Doctor and Amy miss. They do a lot of non-verbal communication, talking to each other with a look. She had that image of Daddy and Last Centurion in her head growing up, and she obviously doesn’t think Rory is going to grow up into it. But then he does; his daughter now thinks of him as that hero, Mr. Perfect. And from then on, she treats him with the love that started on Demon’s Run. She even shows off for him and she very much means it when she calls him Dad. Of course, we see her do what she does with Amy: teach him things, support him in bad moments, reassuring him… but a grown child does that. I really wish we had had more scenes with father and daughter.

But I do think that Amy is very much the mum from Berlin on, including teaching and supporting her daughter as her daughter. It’s part of her arc and she definitely changes in how she treats River once she knows she’s Melody. grilledcheeseandguavajelly here on tumblr put it very well:

Parents usually fulfill different roles and I think Amy & Rory do too & do it beautifully. I very much wish Pond Life had some episodes that featured the Pond family so we see those dynamics in action. And have shown Rory’s parent arc. Think of that scene where he goes down into the tunnels with her. He goes because the Doctor pushes it on him. Imagine a scene like it when he knows this is his daughter and how different it would have been.

Just my opinion.

Oh! I wasn’t trying to say that Amy doesn’t mother River–she does, and she does it brilliantly, as you’ve pointed out in your wonderful comments. Sorry if it came across that way; I didn’t mean that at all.

Because it seems that early on for Amy, River seems more motherly (I’m thinking “The Time of Angels” and “Flesh and Stone” but that may be because she realizes that this is an Amy who doesn’t know who River is, let alone that River is her daughter and because she is dancing around all the truths she can’t tell.

Yes, definitely by Berlin, Amy is in full-on mothering mode in her relations with River. They mutually support each other and love each other; you can definitely tell that Amy is the mother and River is the daughter. Yet the episode I was watching was “The Impossible Astronaut,” in which Amy barely acknowledges that she’s pregnant and is completely ignorant of River’s parentage. In that episode, River flirts with the Doctor, is the stoic one supporting Amy while she cries over the Doctor’s death (though, knowing that he wasn’t actually dead probably had something to do with that), and tells her fears to Rory after he asked what she meant by having a worse day coming for her. Rory’s the one who followed up on that because that’s what he does. So I definitely didn’t mean to be a slam on Amy and River’s relationship because it’s beautiful in its own way.

But it doesn’t seem to me that River confides her fears or worries to Amy, which is all I was trying to say (and obviously phrased poorly). River reserves that for her dad, and her relationship with her dad isn’t talked about as often as her relationship with her mother is. (Tangentially, no one talks about Rory’s relationship with the Doctor as much as they talk about Amy’s relationship with the Doctor, either.)

also, can we just. clara didn’t die to save the Doctor here. she died to save Rigsy, a human being who just had a kid with his partner, who got caught up in something he didn’t understand on a regular day. she protected this young father from death–and it was completely in character, because she’s been protective from the moment we met her, she’s cared about the welfare of others’ children from day one, and she knows what it means to lose a parent so it makes perfect sense that she would want to make sure Rigsy’s child grows up with both parents–and it wasn’t about protecting the Doctor at all. he only needed protection from his own scared, destructive impulses at the end, when it became clear that nobody could save her.

and she told/ordered Rigsy to not feel guilty about it either, iirc

#I love that he gets progressively more disgusted with it

Dating Disney: Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and the Beast features my favorite love story and my favorite Disney Princess, so it holds a very special spot in my heart. So, it’s worth looking into the film to decide when the Movie is supposed to be set.

During the opening musical number “Belle”, Belle is telling the Baker about the book she’s been reading. She’s clearly describing Jack and the Beanstalk, the earliest version being the tale of “Jack Spriggins and the Enchanted Bean” in 1734. But she also deliberately mentions an ogre, not a giant. Near as I could find, the only version with an ogre was written by Joseph Jacobs in 1890, making Belle nearly contemporary to modernity. Belle’s excitement over the book is likely a sign that this is a new story.

During the same musical number, we see a sign depicting a tobacco pipe, but unlike with the Calabash pipe from the Little Mermaid movie. I could place it to possibly be a Billiard type, but the exact era of creation escapes me. However, tobacco pipes have been around as long as Tobacco has been introduced to European trade, starting in the 16th century.

The history of colored printing goes as far back as the 16th century, and there are illustrations from the early 1700s with an impressive variety of color that help establish a stronger time period. The book also shows the words Le Prince Charmant or Prince Charming. Prince Charming started being used in 1697 in Charles Perrault’s version of Sleeping Beauty, although there, Prince Charming was not a name. Rather, Perrault stated that the Prince was charmed by her words. The first story to use Prince Charming as a name is the Tale of Pretty Goldilocks. It was written at some point in the 17th Century by Madame d’Aulnoy, but in her version the hero was named Avenant. It wasn’t until 1889 when Andrew Lang retold the story that Avenant was dubbed as Charming. One year later in 1890, Oscar Wilde used the term “Prince Charming” sarcastically in his novel “The Picture of Dorian Gray”, meaning that the term had gotten its more modern meaning by this point in time.

Gaston’s musket is a Blunderbuss, which was invented in the early 1600′s and remained popular through the 18th century before falling out of fashion in the middle of the 19th century. However, considering Belle states that this is a backwards town and Gaston is an old-fashioned, Primeval man, it’s possible he’s using a largely outdated weapon.

While there are no street lamps in the city, we can see in the background lanterns on the sides of buildings, which might allude to the movie taking place before the invention of gas lamps. However, gas lamps were invented in 1809, and if the version of Jack and the Beanstalk is from 1890, then by all accounts the town should have gas lamps. What this amounting evidence is leading me to believe is that the film is directly following the plot of the original fairy tale.

In the story, Beauty’s father is a merchant who loses his fortune due to a storm destroying his cargo. They’re forced to live on a farm until the merchant stumbles upon the Beast’s castle and kick starts the plot. In the opening song, Belle says “every morning’s just the same, since the morning that we came, to this poor, provincial town.” This could mean that she grew up in a much more modern, urban, and progressive town. Possibly even Paris. But that after Maurice suffered severe financial trouble, he was forced to move them to the small, backwards town that was practically living an entire century behind the rest of France, which is why she’s so bored and unimpressed by the little town. It helps explain why she’s so eager to want to get out of this town and see the world. She wants to be part of the modern world again.

Interestingly, I can support this theory with background information. According to some of my research, Belle’s village was based on the little town of Riquewihr, France, which still looks like it did in the 16th century to this day. So the idea that Belle’s little village lacks so many modern elements could be a nod to the architecture of this sleepy French village that has remained largely untouched by the march of time. Hence why it looks more like something out of the 1700s despite the many elements from the 1800s being present.

During the song “Be Our Guest”, Lumiere dances with a match stick. Match sticks were invented in 1805. Assuming the film still takes place in the 1890s, this would be concurrent with the other evidence we’ve seen thus far. Later in the same song, the silverware makes an Eiffel tower, which was constructed in 1889. Since Jack and the Beanstalk was written after that, it still fits within the suspected time frame.

During the climax of the battle, Cogsworth is wearing military garments reflective of Napoleonic styles. Napoleon was coronated in 1804 until 1814, had a brief return to power in 1815, and eventually died in 1821. So this is also congruent to the established time period.

In the Youtube Video “Fashion Expert Fact Checks Belle from Beauty and the Beast’s Costumes” by Glamour, April Calahan, a Fashion Historian from the Fashion Institute of Technology directly noted that Belle’s yellow gown lacks the shape of a proper 18th century dress, and more closely resembles the shape of 19th century dresses, fitting into the evidence that’s been mounting in support of a late 19th century setting.

As a part of his primary costume, Lefou wears a waistcoat and tailcoats, which came into vogue in the 1800s, namely from the 1840s through the 1850s.

But if the film is set in the 1800s, how can the Beast still be a prince after the French Revolution? Well something worth noting is that when he finds out that Belle isn’t coming to dinner, the Beast storms through the halls to her room as Cogsworth calls after him as “Your Eminence” and “Your Grace”. The address of “Your Eminence” is reserved for Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church, and is an ecclesiastical style of address. “Your Grace” is noticeably an English style of address, but it’s being used by Cogsworth who is British, so I can chalk that up to just part of his culture. Although it was used for British monarchs, it fell out of use during the reign of King Henry VIII (1509-1547) and after that, the use of “Your Grace” became used to address archbishops and non-royal Dukes and Duchesses. Now clearly the Beast is not a cardinal or a bishop, especially if he is looking for the love of a woman to make him human, since it’s forbidden for Catholic priests to marry. So clearly that is not what is meant here. But the other answer actually does hold a bit of weight. Beast’s father was in fact, a Duke. So how is the Beast a prince? He’s not. Not entirely. See, there’s more than one kind of Prince in French nobility. There’s a Prince du Sang, or a Prince by Blood. Effectively, the Crown Prince, the sons of ruling monarchs. But the title is also given to lords in charge of a Principality, one of the smallest territorial sizes. The Beast’s principality probably only extends to having power over the little unnamed village. And with it being after the revolution, Beast might not even have the proper use of his title anymore. He’s effectively a rich kid in a fancy house with no real authority or power. He’s just old money from a by-gone era of human history. But if Beast’s address of “Your Grace” is accurate, that would mean that he’s a non-royal Duke, meaning he would not likely have been executed during the Revolution, as his family would have essentially been governors or senators than actual monarchs. They just had jurisdiction over a small piece of the Kingdom of France and reported back to and obeyed the orders of their King. Thus, he would not have been important enough to be killed or chased out of power by the townsfolk.

CONCLUSION

The movie is set between the late autumn and early-to-mid winter of 1890. Although the snow is gone when Belle returns to the village, the trees are still bare, signaling that it may just be unseasonably warm, though it could be the very early spring of 1891 between the receding of the snow and the blossoming of new spring foliage. Between the books, clothing, and references made, my conclusion is that Belle is a very modern girl living in a backwards little town stuck in the past, thus why a village in 1890 looks so completely lacking in modern technology despite the era. The Prince is nothing more than a fancy title as the son of a Duke, and he likely has very little if any actual government authority. Essentially, Belle married into wealth, not power, and will never be a proper queen, and I’m not sure if the wife of a lord ruling a principality is a princess or not, but I suspect the answer is no. Making Belle, like Mulan, a Disney Princess who did not marry royalty, was not born royalty, and thus, cannot be called a Disney Princess. She’s definitely a noblewoman, but she’s not royal by any means.

SETTING: Riquewihr, France

KINGDOM: The French Republic (France)

YEAR: Autumn, 1890 - Spring, 1891

PERIOD: The Third Republic (1870-1940)

LANGUAGE: French

This would also explain why no one in the town seems to care that their regent hasn’t been seen in years. 

i’m losing my mind at the concept that Belle will very likely live to see the first World War, barring other catastrophe.

Belle is 17 years old at the beginning of the film. If the film takes place in 1890, she’ll only be 41 years old when Duke Ferdinand is shot some 800 miles away. The Beast is barely four years older than Belle. He’ll be 45. 

According to the Encyclopedia Britannica (by way of Wikipedia), “costly battles on the Western Front forced France to conscript men up to the age of 45.” It’s not impossible that The Beast sees combat during WWI. Trench warfare, gas warfare, no man’s land, all the horrors of front line at the dawn of the 20th century. It’s entirely possible that Belle signs up with the Red Cross as a nurse, maybe utilizing a mechanical aptitude inherited from her father to aid in the war effort.

When Germany invades Poland, Belle and The Beast will be 56 and 60, respectively. In the spring of the following year, the Nazis invades France. They occupy castles and large estates across France, to use as both bases of operation and as strongholds to hoard stolen wealth (in the form of gold and art) and political hostages.

Would Belle and the Beast fight off Nazi invaders from their home? They’ve defended it before, but is there enough magic left in those old walls to mount a defense? Or would they flee their chateau, go underground, and use what remaining assets they have to aid La Résistance?

Do they have children, and if so what’s become of them in this time of war?

Listen, what I’m getting at here is that since they’re both Disney properties, there’s an entirely justifiable team up between Beauty and the Beast and Captain America.

Came for the analysis, rebligged for that last sentence.

One of the most common ways you preserve pork without refrigeration is keeping it in really salty water. This makes the pork borderline inedible because it’s so salty. What you don’t see in medieval fantasy is people soaking their meat in water for a bit before they cook it.

That’s also a reason to boil your meat though. Like yeah meat tastes better if you sear it first but sometimes you’ve gotta get that salt out.

You can also smoke your meats and make them into jerky basically. It’s not as juicy as pickling them though.

Also medieval peasants had more meat than you’d think because of these preservation methods. You can feed a pig scraps for the whole year and then butcher it at the start of winter and preserve the meat. Because of this they also often had access to lard.

Medieval peasants also didn’t eat chicken very often. That’s a source of eggs. If you’re lucky enough to own a cow it’s also unlikely you’d eat it unless it’s on its way out anyways. That’s a good source of milk. It’s more advantageous to keep a cow or chicken alive than to eat them.

These days chicken is usually the cheapest form of meat available. If someone is eating a chicken in a medieval setting though it’s either because they didn’t need that chicken anymore or because they’re rich enough to have chickens for eating.

If we’re talking mutton, European sheep are more often kept for wool or milk while middle eastern or African sheep are more often kept for eating. Europeans would of course eat sheep sometimes but it’s another one of those cases where it makes more sense to keep the animal alive rather than eating it.

Fat from a fat tailed sheep makes for good cooking fat if your setting is more middle eastern or North African inspired. European settings would prefer butter, lard, or olive oil depending on where exactly they are.

Goats weren’t super popular in Europe during medieval and ancient times. Very common in the Middle East and North Africa though both for milk and for meat.

A cow or ewe must have a calf or lamb every year to produce milk. Half of those offspring will be male, and thus will not produce milk. Ergo they were eaten, because you only need one bull or ram for a much larger number of breeding females.

The limiting factor for livestock keeping in the medieval period was winter fodder--there was enough summer grazing for the spring births in fallow fields that they fertilized with their manure , but not enough hay and grazing to get them through the winter. So the lambs--all the males and some of the females--would be butchered in the fall. A bull calf might be butchered as veal (or "baby beef", depending on timing) its first fall or might be over-wintered and butchered as beef the following fall. A few of the older ewes would be butchered as mutton, replaced with female lambs from the spring births. A female calf would be traded, sold, or kept as a replacement.

Similarly, half of the chicks born would be male, destined for spring/early summer butchering. (Or caponed, castrated, though that's much more difficult with a bird.) Chicken is a lean meat, though, and rather tough in a free-range bird, so it was usually stewed rather than roasted. Capon was a bit of a luxury food due to the difficulty of castrating them. Geese were much more popular due to the fattier meat.

Pork was plentiful due in part to the large size of a sow's litter. Over-winter one sow, and you get eight piglets or so, much more than a cow's single calf or a ewe's one to four lambs. Even if you didn't keep your own sow, buying piglets to raise and fatten was common. Most medieval pigs would forage rather than being fed scraps--hence the ubiquity of swineherd as a humble occupation.

Yeah Mr. Darcy’s proposal was a complete turd and a half but you gotta understand. You got your life together. A good career, stable income, retirement plan, all that shit together. And you meet this girl. And she’s everything. Clever, outspoken, funny, calls you on your bullshit. Grade A cutie, right? And she doesn’t go out of her way to spend time with you but she’s nice, and sometimes you catch her looking your way in a way that makes you think you might have a shot.

But her family. Holy shit.

First off, it’s p much ALL women, and mostly UNMARRIED women, which at this time means of something happens to her dad then you’re financially responsible for like. Four grown ass adults, potentially forever

Because mom in law is DEFINITELY gonna need someone to take care of her when dad in law kicks it, and they have like. NO money. So already you’re accepting that if all goes well, you’re gonna be one random old bag’s retirement home. That’s expensive and exhausting, yeah? Imagine asking someone on a first date knowing that if they say yes and things go good her high-strung chihuahua mother is gonna move in with you. IMAGINE.

And girly’s other sisters. Well, one is a sweetheart, yeah, and she’s getting engaged so she probably won’t be an issue, but that still leaves two more, and those ones are INSUFFERABLE. Never went to school, dumb as rocks, spend cash like it’s toilet paper

And while one of ‘em’s young still and might grow out of it the OTHER one is actively torpedo’ing her entire family’s reputation by wandering off with random dudes and chasing ass. She’s never gonna work, she can’t build connections, she’s a fucking sinkhole, and she’s being led on by the same goddamn con man ass leeching tit who’s been bleeding you dry while telling anyone who’ll listen that your family is full of ratty thieving bastards.

And if he dumps her after a week- WHICH YOU KNOW HIS BITCH ASS IS GONNA- you’ve got a SECOND UNMARRIABLE GROWN ASS ADULT TO PROVIDE FOR. And you KNOW she’s gonna be a tantrum-throwing little shit about it, and it’s not like you can lock her in the basement or something, you’re gonna have to bring her fucking. Everywhere. And give her an allowance and shit while she contributes zero, because again, she NEVER GOT EDUCATED AND HAS NO MARKETABLE SKILLS. She’s not even good to TALK to. FUCK

And you’re looking at this girl’s father like “please for the love of fuck get your spawn under control, marry them off, get them working on their résumé, learning to sew or be nursemaids or manage staff or SOMETHING, yall got no money and one foot in the grave” and that old man just laughs like “haha yeah, what can you do. lol”

So you’re looking to the mom and finally it’s making sense how she got that twitch in her eye and as MUCH as she is you’re starting to realize she’s the SMART one, desperately throwing her armloads of girls at random men like they’re a bunch of fucking lifeboats bobbing around a sinking ship, like yes Jesus Christ sweetly that life boat IS old and ugly and kind of boring but for FUCKS SAKE PICK ONE

And you look back at this girl who is ALSO REFUSING THE LIFE BOATS BY THE WAY and god damn it she’s still the most radiant thing you’ve ever seen so fine, fuck it, Christ alive, you’ll do it. You’ll shoot your shot. She’s everything you’ve ever wanted in anybody abut it’s not even just about that anymore, it’s about being her best fucking shot at a future, and even if she doesn’t like you all that much she’s still gonna say yes and that might break your heart a bit knowing it’s about the money but who knows, maybe it will at least be civil, or companionable, and even if she doesn’t LOVE you at least you’ll know she’s well and cared for

And so you’ll do it. You’ll take on the neurotic stress mess mother in law, the absent father, the broke ass wingnut no brain no money no future airhead sisters, the bad mannered relatives and the embarrassing behaviour and the impending future of sharing your entire shit with a clown parade of freeloaders, you’ll risk it all and accept the absolute certainty of financial ruin and emotional exhaustion for the rest of your whole ass life and you’ll make your own family deal with it too, you’ll do it, you’ll fucking DO IT, you stupid lovesick motherfucker

And so you go to this chick like “look. Your whole family’s a shitshow. You’ve got fucking nothing and you’re gonna die on the street. But for some reason- and I don’t get it either- I’ve fallen in love with you, and I wish I didn’t, but I did, so I’m telling you that whether you like me or not, I’ll give you everything. I’ll give you everything even if it’s the dumbest shit I ever done. Fuck my stupid Baka ass, I’ll marry you.”

And she looks at you- having heard or considered absolutely none of your months-long internal debate and monologue- and goes “The fuck did you just say about my family, you son of a bitch?”

And the shock of that is enough to jolt you back into a reality where you are able to actually hear and process what just came out of your damn mouth And yeah

Yeah, I think I kinda get it

catch me muffling giggles at 4am watching hermitcraft

Jason + Molotov cocktails