edit: meant to post on my sideblog @soft-jinx . sorry . too tired to repost

i have spent the past 7ish years of my life under the impression that i had chosen the names eran and roan for myself as a trans person. in 2017 i changed my name to xander... either before or after discharge from psych ward 1. i changed it again (to maven) when i was in special ed (after discharge from psych ward 2), since i felt my name didnt fit anymore. and after i got out of special ed, i finally settled on julian.

today i found posts i made online in 2016-2017 (cant remember) where i was talking about eran in 3rd person - as an alter. i also found another post where i said roan was an alter. on this account i also found that 2 alters had posted on there, hope and millennia.

i can vaguely remember being co-conscious with them. i remember i chose the username. i do not remember posting anything, but do have some memories of some of the things i talked about on it. i say "i" here because "we" feels too distressing right now.

either i am really really good at convincing myself i have a dissociative disorder, or i have a dissociative disorder and am not entirely who i think i am.

...this is a lot to sit with. this is really scary. if anyone has been thru something like this, um. i could use some support.

(ok to rb for boost ig)

been binge watching severance since getting home from group therapy and oh my god this show is amazing. just finished ep6 s1

whatever you're beating yourself up for right now. set it aside with me for a moment to appreciate this:

humans have been drawing ourselves as stick figures for literal millennia. i don't care if you don't like art or think you're bad at art. someone made this thousands of years ago, and we're still appreciating this stick guy and his horse chariot. not just on the internet, but in the fucking Louvre.

so... coming back to whatever you're beating yourself up for... not only were we drawing stick figures millennia ago and still are today... there have also been many many humans who have struggled as you are right now. maybe not in the same exact way.

but they too have felt hopeless. they too have felt worthless. they too have felt afraid, confused, and angry. they too have wanted to be better but not known how. and yet. enough of them went on, and kept on trying until they found peace or success or closure... for you to be sitting here today.

your life is a gift. your joy is a blessing. your pain is a story being told over and over through time. you are okay, and even if you're not. you can be okay, and if you give yourself a chance... you will be.

be kind to yourself, stranger. and thank you for being alive at the same time as me. :)