Montana opening up some incredible possibilities here. imagine the chaos you could cause by filing a fraudulent marriage certificate for two random people who've never met

Can't believe NaNoWriMo just did this, but literally.

Can't decide whether it's funnier to say "my hungry ass could never work at a" and then say something that implies you're eating something truly grotesque or something that just, makes no sense

"my hungry ass could never be a brain surgeon" awful. 10/10

"my hungry ass could never be a truck driver" ????? 10/10

EATYIGNIN TIJOK;L'HE????

You're right, that would be shocking.

i was ready to just scroll past like “haha grammar humor” but then it was weird al and i,

╎ ⎓ᒷᒷꖎ ||𝙹⚍

Me with a 3D printer for a decade: brackets

This guy: I'm gonna change the world

nosferatu? no. tuferatu. no es mi problema.

momentos despues de escribir esto vi otro post con el misma chiste pero en frances joder mi estupida baka vida.

bestie... el español es de europea...

Being an evil doppelganger has to be so fucked up like imagine meeting a better version of yourself. Some chain of events going differently that led to "you" being a better person in a way you can never achieve. Personally I'd have no other option but to try and kill them

It's always "oh no my evil clone or twin or whatever is trying to kill me" and never How is my evil clone? Says a lot about society

Me, crashing the fuck out: you think you're better than me? You think you're fucking better than me???

My good clone, dodging a glass: I mean like objectively yeah

FREE PILLOW FIGHTS!

I love that most people once they realized what was happening just went full Berserk mode without a care

also the man dropping his walking cane to have an anime like elder master reveal

This wonderful human is bringing so much joy into the world. He’s reminding people they’re allowed to play. That they can be silly in public. That fun can come in unexpected places and at unexpected times. I wish I knew who he was. I’d donate so he could buy more pillows and bring more fun into the world - once it’s safe enough to.

╎ ⎓⚍ᓵꖌ╎リ⊣ ꖎ𝙹⍊ᒷ ╎ℸ ̣ ⍑ᒷ∷ᒷ

embarrassment has good bones

When everything is embarrassing, that’s a sign that your passion is waking up, and it wants more. Your desire is a tender sprout that wants more water, more sunshine. It wants you to give up on SEEMING happy and in control and to start FEELING joy instead, even when it feels a little too big, even when it makes you cry, even when it forces you to question where you are and why.

Passion and desire and shame and sadness don’t signal that you have to change everything immediately, though. These are sensations that don’t require solutions. Your primary job, in the face of renewed lust for life, is to tolerate the shame of joy.

Because embarrassment is sometimes just a sign that you’ve never lived out in the open before, you’ve never cared more about a feeling than you care about how you’re coming across, you’ve never prioritized happiness over control.

This is why it’s good to take risks that might embarrass you regularly. Because every time you dare to embarrass yourself for the sake of who you are, you’re teaching your body to prioritize joy. You’re teaching yourself to let go of seeming better than the things you love. You’re showing yourself how to feel where you are — to soak in the cool fall air, to breathe in the moon, to love every lopsided moment of your glorious, flawed life.

Shame is a Side Effect of Desire, Heather Havrilesky

I Worried, Mary Oliver

drink water

Did you guys know there's nothing inherently wrong with selfish thoughts and desires and there's no such thing as thought crimes or thought sins and a balanced amount of selfishness is healthy and adaptive for living things to have and it's fine to act selfishly as long as you don't harm others

Let's parse the word "harm" here: asking for things is not harm. mildly inconveniencing others on occasion is not harm. wanting things is not harm. talking a lot is not harm. ordering in a restaurant is not harm. disliking someone is not harm. sexual attraction is not harm. rejecting an unwanted advance is not harm. letting others see unlikable sides of yourself is not harm. you would not believe how many things your parents disapproved of when you were little you've construed as harm are not, in fact, harm

I think maybe our entire societal problem is what I'll call an "abstinence-only" approach to selfishness. We treat all selfishness as if it's inherently bad and harmful and always to be shunned. It's defined as an interior trait; acting selfishly "reveals" who you "are" and so who you "are" must be disciplined. So then some people self-efface themselves into oblivion in an effort to be good, while others resent being controlled and rebel by acting like entitled assholes. Nobody learns how to be selfish safely and ethically and skillfully. Please, send me back in time so I can kill Paul the Apostle with hammers unlearn the idea that goodness is achieved by self-negation

tbh no april fools gag tumblr ever pulls will ever be as good as the lizard election of 2016 staff put more effort into that than the rest of this website combined and it shows

for those of you who werent here in 2016 on april fools that year the entire fucking website was transformed and there was an election for a position that wasnt even ever specified and the candidates were four lizards (or three lizards and a salamander as a scandal would later prove) and it was called decision2016

each lizard had their own 3d models and tumblr blog and campaign and there was also a tumblr blog dedicated to reporting on the election and they made like whole ass news broadcasts with a guy in front of a green screen

you could vote for your favorite candidate and there was a built-in function that let you make and post a campaign poster

in case anyone was wondering the winner of the election was mop. relatable and reliable. #Mop Could

lest we forget

This was absolutely the biggest April Fools effort I ever witnessed while on staff. I already posted about this in an ask but here’s more of the shit that went down behind the scenes.

- Like all April Fools, this was done entirely through volunteer work on Staff. No one was forced to work on April Fools, it’s always employee-initiated and driven, even if it needs approval from leadership.

- The prank almost didn’t go through because leadership felt that the lizards weren’t relatable enough, so the compromise was to give them hats.

- The video updates on the Decision 2016 blog were greenscreen Fiverr actors that were all recorded months? Weeks? in advance? I wasn’t on creative so I don’t know all the deets about how those were made.

- As mentioned in my post, the victory speech by Mop was one of our designers screaming as loud as she could in a closet near the end of the day. The full audio was never posted but staff kept passing around the scream on slack and laughing about it for months afterwards

- There was a “war room” dedicated to advancing the election narrative as votes came in, posting updates in real time and also pushing changes to code as necessary (for bug fixes and what not)

- The votes were real and the “election” was decided by real users, even if the graphics and whatnot were exaggerated for comical effect. Mop won because Mop won. Democracy at work

- Someone brought in their own lizard to celebrate the proceedings. It was a bearded dragon

- This was the culmination of what was probably the most cohesive and imaginative (and largest) creative team Tumblr ever had. Unfortunately almost all of them are now long gone, and Tumblr Creative is now just a skeleton crew compared to their peak

- Wretched Tooth Doesn’t Like To Talk About Himself

- People drew porn of the lizards and posted it on Tumblr. Staff saw it and were sending it to each other on the company Slack. We thought it was great. I mean, terrifying, but great

- This picture of David Karp is my favorite photo of David Karp I have on my phone

You have to choose a new animal to exist on earth right now but it HAS to be both as aggressive and dangerous to humans as a hippopotamus.