I can’t get into it without outing myself and my job, but damn I wish people could figure out how to break the rules on their own. If you involve me, if you tell me you’re going to violate a contract, I am required to do something. I’m not a cop! I’m not a narc! You could simply not tell me this shit! I am begging you to not tell me! Don’t send me an email to my work address that says “I’m going to violate our contract, how would you suggest I do it?” Well first things first don’t fucking tell me

Like one time I was working at the bar years before weed was legal. The owner hated pot and pot smokers. And this regular was standing in front of the front door smoking his little glass pipe

“Hey man, go around the corner”

“Naw it’s cool”

“It’s really not. (The owner) will ban you if he sees you doing this in front of his bar like an idiot”

“He won’t see me”

“Yeah but I see you. And I’m asking you to go around the corner so you’re not right in front of the fucking bar”

“It’s just weed. Are you scared of weed?”

“Listen you stupid hippie I use drugs that would blow your burnout mind. I don’t give a shit about weed. But do not fucking involve me, do not involve the bar. Just take seven steps to the corner and smoke your heart out”

“Naw man it’s cool”

Then the owner came outside and blew his fucking stack and the guy was barred for life. And then the owner got mad at me for not running to him and telling him hippie Dave was burning it down in front of the bar. I’m just begging you to not involve me in your poorly thought-out crimes in a way that will get us both in serious trouble. I am begging you

Bringing this back in a general way to remind people who might be considering breaking rules that maybe not telling strangers you are about to break some rules might be wise. Because you do not know where that information is going to end up

When I still had an active security clearance, I had to beg people to please not tell me when they did illegal shit. Do not make me, with my unreasonably good memory, have to choose between you and my livelihood if someone asks me about crimes. Do Not put me in that position when I am telling you I am subject to polygraphs and I'm supposed to be a mandatory reporter. Don't do that to me. Don't do that to anyone who hasn't volunteered to be part of your crimes. Not everyone is going to agree with your principled stand, and even if we do some of us are all that stands between our loved ones and homelessness.

When I was in a class taught by a DEA agent, she would stress to us over and over how we should NOT admit to doing any of the drugs talked about in class. She was a DEA agent and therefore, a mandatory reporter. She became a DEA agent, not out of a huge sense of morality or need to "keep the streets clean" but because she was a psychology researcher first and foremost and wanted to study the effects that drugs had on human behavior. To do that, to be able to access heroine or meth or cocaine to feed to rats and run experiments legally, she had to become a DEA agent.

She would stress, heavily, almost once a month, never to implicate an identifiable individual in a "neat story" because all this woman wanted to do was cool experiments on her darling lab rats, not organize a sting operation on her dumbass students and then fill out piles of paperwork that kept her from her research. That said, she would tell us that we could and should share stories of our "friends".

"My friend had sex rolling on molly and said it ruined sex for them. Is that true?" a student might ask.

And because they had been vague she could look that student in the eye and reply, "I don't want to tell you yes.... But I will tell you that your friend isn't a liar".

Don't be stupid. Don't implicate yourself in illegal things to people who MUST report you for their livelihood. If you must, share your thoughts or plans or illegal doings using "your friend" as a placeholder. Give the person you're talking to plausible deniability about your involvement if you can keep it to yourself for godsake. And if you can't, if you have to fucking share, don't then dunk on the person you put in the shitiest position of reporting you.

I'm howling, I know shit about the newest Snow White Disney regurgitation but I just clicked on it on iMDb and-

1.8 stars????? I didn't think that was possible. I clicked on it and-

IT'S EVEN FUCKING LOWER THAN THAT IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE OBVIOUSLY PAID-FOR 10S. Like even the other two recent disasters are higher than that!

This is where it occured to me to check something and-

IT'S RATED SIGNIFICANTLY LOWER THAN A MOVIE MADE PURPOSEFULLY TO BE AS GROSS AND HORRIBLE AS POSSIBLE. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN MANAGE THAT??????

IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN THE SEQUEL OF A SEQUEL OF A HORROR MOVIE MADE EXCLUSIVELY BECAUSE TOM CARDY MADE A SONG ABOUT IT.

I think I'm going to pirate this and watch it out of sheer morbid curiosity.

I couldn't help myself, I went on a quest to find a movie worse than this. A bit hard, because iMDb doesn't let you sort by the lowest rated 250, but I managed.

BEHOLD! The movies that managed to get a worse rating than Snow White!

Pledge this!

I actually saw this one when I was, uh, probably way too young for it. It's about Paris Hilton being a sadistic tyrant of some posh university and it includes charming scenes of her making aspiring college students eat leftover sushi from dog bowls and spraying whipped cream on her boyfriend's dick to make her dog give him a blowjob. Definitely worse than Snow White, right?

Well-

Enough people thought it was at least ironically funny to give it a 3.7 mean so it's, technically, NOT worse than Snow White. I guess Paris Hilton is at least hot.

Next, we have:

A very promising title! Apparently it's a sequel of a Turkish film 'The Man Who Saved the World', (which in itself is apparently 'Turkish Star Wars') and which one reviewer called 'mindbogglingly awful'. Hold on, let me show you the funniest part of one review:

This movie is so bad it interferes with one's inner peace! Surely not even Snow White is THAT bad.

Except-

To be fair, Turks in Space is a sequel of a problematic cult favorite, so it still manages to have some fans. My condolences to the person whose inner peace was disturbed, I hope you moved to a Tibetan monastery in 2019 and haven't had internet acess since. Hell, 2024 would be be better than seeing this.

Okay, by now iMDb algorhythm or whatever it is has figured out what I want and grudgingly started offering me its worst rated movies. Unfortunately...

It turns out it's REALLY FUCKING HARD to make a movie that is so universally unappealing. Even the worst movies so far have at least a dozen people who gave it a pity rating and a few maniacs who think it's unintentionally the best thing ever. Finding something below 1.8 is actually pretty hard!

But I prevailed and found this!

It's a very bad german vanity film about... I don't know, some guy who won a talent show once? The reviews speak for themselves:

'Cultural equivalent of stoning the viewer to death'. Wow. Have we finally found the most universally hated movie of all-

NOPE! Turns out even camcorder vanity projects have their fans. And mind you, this movie at least didn't cost 250 million to make! Considering how cheap it looks and that some people went to war with the German Amazon to track it down, I think it actually made more money than it cost anyway.

And so my search for a movie hated more than Snow White continues!

We're taking a turn for the absurd, and while these are TECHNICALLY a series, I have found TWO things that have made me nearly burst my spleen.

We have...

Literally just a collection of Charli D'Amelio's videos. I have to admit I had to google who the fuck that was.

But she still isn't what we're looking for. She does get an honorable mention because it's on her page that I found THIS.

People wiser than me have already realised what this is, but alas. I am an idiot. The 'ape' part should have tipped me off, but in my defense, seeing only half of that monkey's head was probably on purpose because you realize it instantly once you see it.

I had to open my computer, open youtube in a private window and then carefully copy it over here without opening it because I don't want Youtube algorhythm to catch so much as a whiff of it. But yes. It's exactly what it says on the tin.

HOWEVER.

It is, by the virtue of at least the people who went blind at the Bored Ape concert, NOT the most universally hated movie! Snow White continues to edge out some VERY stiff competition!

“I’ll just rest my eyes” is the biggest lie you’re going straight to snorkmimimi land

“I’m going to sleep” is the biggest lie I’m going to stare at my ceiling for the next three hours

I feel like people are missing the Very Important reference picture and that's just criminal. Clearly if you look at the dog that inspired the piece, you would understand the inherent validity of the voters' choice.

Thank you for that addition but I assure you we all already understood the the validity of the voters choice

tumblr should have an ” i feel u” button on posts

This is one of the few posts with more reblogs than likes

announcing this to the world so everyone can pat me on the back for doing the painstaking research: Cridea Jeevik's last name comes from the Sanskrit "jīvikā", meaning water - literally "element that makes life".

which means alongside Xefros (Zephyros - the west wind), Fiamet (Italian fiammetta, 'little flame') and maaaaybe Dammek (adama, Hebrew for earth?) we might finally have all four elemental Hiveswap trolls!!

nothing funnier to me than when AI does math wrong. like I get why it happens, it's a language model that's treating the numbers you feed it as words rather than integers and then giving you an answer based on how those words typically appear in a block of text instead of actually performing a calculation. but the one thing computers are genuinely incredible at. you fucked up a perfectly good calculator is what you did, look at it it's got hallucinations

The biggest misconception in public schools is that literary analysis is about proving you can be right or wrong about a book you read

Literary analysis isn’t about the book

It’s not even about being right

It’s about performing an investigation and presenting your case to the jury

It doesn’t matter if your defendant killed that guy or not. If you can convince the jury he didn’t, you’ve won

And the incredible life skill of spinning bulletproof bullshit out your ass with a handful of facts and a prayer is soooooooo much more valuable than anyone’s ever gonna tell you

Bullshitting is becoming a lost art

😔 Another industry lost. Should have bought stock in Grifting

Btw much as I love to make fun of twitter and reddit's business decisions, I have 0% trust in tumblr's management to not go a similar route so this is your gentle reminder that you should regularly go to your blog settings to export your blog. That's a fancy way of saying you can download a backup of your blog so if everything goes down you'll still have a backup of your posts & convos.

It's gonna come as a surprise to most of you, but if you don't want to do that for whatever reason you're allowed to not reblog this post. I'm not holding a gun to your head here I'm just trying to spread the word for people who do want a backup of their stuff.

Also, made this guide for backup Tumblr blogs (ft. export blog method, and python 3 script method):

Apparently the US have been detaining European greencard holders, upon their return to the US after travels. Some have been deported to their countries of origin, some are held in prison in the US. A French man has been rejected entrance into the country over him having messages on his phone criticial of Trump, he was sent back to France after overnight detention. A German woman with a tourist visa was equally rejected and send back after overnight detention without access to her medication.

As of yesterday Denmark, the United Kingdom, Germany, Finland and Canada have revised their travel guidelines for the US. This includes warnings over being denied entry despite a visa, detention and the US no longer recognizing the X gender marker in passports.

🇺🇸tony's chocolonely chocolate bar recall due to rocks🇺🇸

literally, due to rocks. they got rocks in them

april 2, 2025

emphasis mine.

this recall only affects some lots of the dark almond sea salt bar and the everything bar, due to the rock problem. they were distributed nationwide in stores and on the internet. I included their pictures at the top.

I am not able to format a table for tumblr, so check that recall link for the specific lot codes and expiration dates.

they found rocks after there were 12 reports that said hey. there are rocks in this. this can easily lead to dental problems if someone tries to bite full force on a rock and breaks a tooth or otherwise injures their mouth. dental infections can eventually become life-threatening even in people who are young and otherwise healthy. so it is a good thing nobody apparently ate the rocks yet. or at least, nobody got injured while potentially eating rocks. yet

emphasis mine.

please do not the rocks. thank you

one of the hardest things to learn as a depressed former Gifted Kid™ is that half-assed is better than nothing. take the 50%, 40%, even 20% job. scrubbing your face is better than not taking a shower at all. picking up your clothes is better than never cleaning. nibbling on some bread is better than starving.

DO THINGS HALFWAY. NOW YOU’RE 100% BETTER OFF THAN YOU WERE BEFORE.

One of my college professors used to say “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.”  I didn’t understand that for years because I didn’t do anything poorly, I couldn’t do anything poorly, I had to Do Everything Perfectly.

But brushing your teeth for 30 seconds is better than not brushing them at all when that 2 minutes seems exhausting.  Doing ten minutes of yoga is better than 10 minutes of sitting when 30 minutes of cardio sounds impossible.  Changing my clothes is good when a whole shower is impossible.  Standing on the porch for a few minutes is worth it after being in the house for three straight days because I don’t have the energy to go anywhere.

Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly… because doing it poorly is better than not doing it.

someone please hit me over the head with this post every day for like the next week thanks. a mention, a reblog with text, a message, something.

Luigi Mangione could be getting the death penalty…

This man is innocent, his appearance and build doesn’t match that of the killers, the only “motive” he had was a convenient written confession showing that he supposedly viewed healthcare companies as “parasitic” and too expensive (which does somewhat contradict the actual killers actions) he had said note and the murder weapon conveniently on him while living his ordinary life, the killer held the gun in his right hand while Luigi is left-handed, Luigi and the Killer were potentially seen simultaneously, they wore slightly different coats.

The NYPD KNOW these are different people, they know the evidence is lacking, this isn’t a mistaken identity, it’s framing, they are trying to make themself appear to still be control by catching this man, humiliating him, killing him, when they know full well that the person they are prosecuting ISNT EVEN THE RIGHT GUY! This is an injustice! This is not a fair trial! This is downright tyranny!

They confiscated his bag at the mcdonald's, took it out of everyone's sight, unpacked it and repacked it, and THEN took it down to the station and wow there was a manifesto in there that he was just carrying around in daily life for some reason

Definitely the sort of thing that the Bag Of Monopoly Money Guy would be carrying to McDonald's

they got trans bitches on here named shit like Die

sie haben trans bitches hier, die haben so beschissene Namen wie The

I know this is going to make me sound pretensions but I have to get it off my chest. I feel an unimaginable rage when someone posts a photo and is like "this picture looks like a renaissance painting lol" when the photo clearly has the lighting, colors and composition of a baroque or romantic painting. There are differences in these styles and those differences are important and labeling every "classical" looking painting as renaissance is annoying and upsetting to me. And anytime I come across one of those posts I have to put down my phone and go take a walk because they make me so mad

In case you're curious here's what I mean.

Renaissance(distinct lines, stability and the individual man):

Baroque (bold, chaotic, dramatic):

Romantic(romanticize the simple hard working life):

Do you see the difference?

this post has re-wired my brain in the best way

oh dear. pour one out for @staff today folks

(for those of you who have been living under a rock since late 2019, automattic owns tumblr)