Give a bored human a screwdriver and you’ll find a pile of scrap where your ship used to be, with a proud looking human sitting nearby.
“Boredom is a dangerous thing to a human.”
“I don’t understand,” Chuul’s mandibles clicked nervously, “why not simply take the tool from the human.”
Minxx’s antennae stood straight up, a sign of shock, fear, or surprise, “You don’t simply take something from a human. If you do they will either turn the ship upside down trying to find it again, or they will replace it with something else that will lead to more destruction.
“I speak quite literally by the way. Human-Mark used to have a tool he called an “Hex Key” he used it to remove the doors to the clothing storage areas in his quarters because he was bored. When he lost it he literally turned the ship upside down by reversing the gravity.”
Chuul’s tentacles curled up defensively, “Gravity controls are locked, how-”
“No one knows how.” Minxx shook her small wings as the memory of suddenly falling upwards returned to her. “but his reasoning was that the tool would fall out of whatever hiding place it had come to rest within. He had not considered that all tables, chairs, equipment, and personnel, would also fall. It took weeks to clean.”
To be fair to the human, Mark had only intended to reverse the gravity in his own quarters but had, quote, “pushed the wrong button.” A sentence which would send fear through any intelligent creature in the known galaxy. To be completely unfair to the human, there were still stains on the ceiling in almost every room of the ship from dropped food, chemicals, various other liquids, and even a couple of empty bowels. Some races just didn’t find the idea of resting comfortably in their sleeping quarters, only to be suddenly awakened as they fell ten feet toward a ceiling which had now become a floor. Mark was no longer allowed near environmental controls.
Minxx continued, “He did not find this “Hex Key.” However, he did find the screwdriver and it seemed to please him when an owner was not located. The captain let him keep it since it seemed that it would keep him from doing any more strange things to locate his original lost tool. We did not consider-” she trailed off as her wings quivered again.
There was silence between them for a few moments, Minxx was almost unwilling to continue and Chuul was almost too afraid to press for more details. Slowly, but surely, Minxx calmed herself enough to speak again. “we did not consider what he may be able to do when armed with a leverage optimiser.”
“We were given shore leave while the ship was being fixed after the gravity incident. Thank goodness the captain took out act’s-of-human insurance or it would have cost the profits from our next five cargo hauls.” The premiums were high, but it was worth it. “After 14 rotations, human-Mark began to complain over the lack of stimulation, he called it “bored.” On the 15th rotation he disappeared for some time and he had hoped he had found some new activity to occupy his time.”
Chuul did, but at the same time didn’t, want to know, “Had he?”
Minxx waved her antennae in confirmation, “he had. He was located in one of the cargo holds, using the screwdriver to dismantle one of the mining probes. To, quote “see how it worked.” It was almost 90% deconstructed.”
Mark had claimed it was almost 10% REconstructed, as he was trying to put it back together again, but couldn’t quite remember where all the parts went. In Mark’s words, the captain was a “glass half-empty kinda guy” (whatever that meant) and wrote DEconstructed on the claim form for a replacement probe.
Chuul’s natural camouflage kicked in and they took on the colour of the chair they were sitting on. “Those probes have no screws for the leverage optimiser to use, how did he-”
Minxx’s wings shivered again, “no one knows how. He just did.”
Chuul was silent for a moment. He’d never served on a ship with a human before. He’d heard they made things “interesting” and if you ever got into trouble, a human was the very best thing to ever have on your side. It was why they were so many job opportunities for humans in the alliance. All the same…the thought of a human causing such damage and destruction just because of a lack of mental, or physical, stimulation was a more than a little frightening. What if the human wanted to see how the engines worked, or the weapons?!! “Maybe I should transfer to another ship.”
Minxx’s antennae curled, a smile to her race. “You are safe. The captain has found a way to occupy our humans free time. During our last stopover, he commissioned a shiny orb be constructed.”
Chuul coked their head, “what is a shiny orb?”
Minxx’s curled antennae moved up an down; a sign of mild laughter. “It is nothing. A sphere made of shiny metals, humans do like shiny things, roughly two feet diameter made of a collection of gears, levers, screws and switches which appear complex and should have a function, but do entirely nothing. The captain handed it to Human-Mark and stated: “see if you can fix this.” and Mark has been “tinkering” with it during his off-duty hours for almost 24 rotations now. He can take it apart and rebuild it as many times as he likes, but it will never perform any task.”
Chuul was just thinking about how their captain must be a genius, when the door to the mess hall opened and Human-Mark entered. He was carrying the shiny orb under one arm, and his screwdriver in the other hand. He looked around, seemingly not noticing any of the crew members. He smiled when he spotted an empty liquid container and sat down at the table with the cup.
Chuul and Minxx watched curiously as Mark set the orb on the table in front of the cup. He used the screwdriver to tighten one small screw and flipped a switch. At once there was a whirring and clicking of clockwork, a blinking of lights hidden in the depths of the machine and even a TING from a small bell. Then a small funnel-shaped piece of metal opened up in the side of the machine and poured a small amount of hot, black, liquid into the cup.
Mark jumped to his feet, pumping the air and yelling loudly enough to send Chuul’s camouflage reflex off again. He grabbed the orb, abandoning the cup of steaming hot liquid, and moved to the door.
Minxx stared after them, “Human-Mark?”
Mark only paused for a second in the doorway. He was prominently displaying his predatory teeth. Chuul had read about these “smiles” but it was still disturbing to see. “Can’t stop Minxy. I gotta let the captain know I fixed his coffee maker.”
With that, he left. Leaving Chuul and Minxx frozen in place, dumbfounded.
Wherever Chuul was going to transfer to, Minxx began to hope she could get a posting on the same ship.
The reverse here also holds true. Give a bored human a pile of scrap and you will come back to find a fully functional ship…or somesuch strange device. Humans quickly become the junkyard beings all across the galaxy.
“What did you do before this?”
“I used to just salvage scrap from old ships and melt it down for the metals.”
“How did you get your tentacles on interstellar ships to sell from that?!?”
“Simple: i hired a human. I originally thought she would simply help deconstruct junk ships for easier melting. I even gave her two screwdrivers.”
“Two screwdrivers?!?! Are you a madbeast?! I’ve heard what a bored human can do with one leverage optimiser.”
“Like i said. I wanted her to take things apart, makes the scrap easier to melt in smaller pieces. Never thought the human would do things in reverse. Left for a cycle to go watch my sibling’s egg-hatching and came back to find six fully functional ships in my scrapyard.”
“Are they safe? Surely they couldn’t be..”
“I’ve had a dozen inspectors look at every one. Other than the lack of production number stamps they seem to be right off the factory line.”
“So now you sell ships.. What about the human?”
“Oh i let her keep tinkering in the scrap yard. She seems happy there surrounded by things to ‘play with’ as she puts it. I give her a bonus for every ship she builds.”
“What does she do with the bonuses?”
“Buys coffee and chocolate. I’m starting to think both are crucial to human brain functioning.”
“I have heard of humans going mad without them…”
“Maybe i should buy her some extra just in case…”
“HEY BOSS! I MADE ONE THAT GOES TWICE AS FAST!”
“Twice as fast as hyperspeed?!?!? How?”
“Not sure but it does. You gotta see it. Just took a trip to earth and back for more coffee from my favorite little shop. Got there and back in fifteen minutes! And ten of that was waiting in line.”
“Thats half the galaxy away…”
“Great job Gabrielle! I’ll triple your bonus for this one!”
“Sweet! Im gonna go grab a snack.”
“Surely she realizes she could patent that and be unimaginably wealthy??”
“She doesnt seem to care. I will patent it and give her half the profits. It is only fair.”
“You are a braver beast than i. Keeping a human around like this. I loose tufts of fur from stress just thinking about nesting near a human.”
“Once you get used to the strange noises late at night you sleep quite well.”
“Are you so certain her experiments won’t vaporize you in your sleep?!?!?”
“Of course. Since i started sleeping in the ‘coffee shop’ she built on the lot i feel completely certain i am safe from any collateral damage from her experiments.”
