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Beautiful Life, 250329

Know I'll never win the battle

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Chan X gn reader

Summary: When your bipolar disorder turns a sunny day into a starless night, your boyfriend finds a way to cheer you up.

Genre: Comfort/hurt

Word Count: 2.7k

Trigger warning: Bipolar disorder, depression, manic episodes, and paranoia/delusions.

Depression resources

A/N: Brains can be so mean to us sometimes. As I wrote this request, I burst into tears (starting to notice a pattern about writing sad stuff, huh?) Mental illness can be so hard. I don't know much about bipolar disorder, but I did some research to try and understand the perspective. This might not be entirely accurate, but I tried.

You all better be so nice to yourselves. Give yourself a big hug, please. Be gentle. Be soft. Do not let the cruelty of your own brain rip you apart from the good things in this world <3

_ _ _

A year’s worth of suffering unveils in a single day. Not really, but that’s what it feels like. A human puppeteered by their brain, but never in the right way; a handcrafted tea cup without the warmth and welcoming taste of tea.  

𝐍𝐢𝐠𝐞𝐥

Beneath her cheek, the soft cotton of Y/N's pillowcase was soaked through with hot tears. It was completely dark where she was huddled up into a tiny ball under the sheets, her hand fisting into the duvet to keep it tucked over her head, blocking out the sunshine spilling through the windows. The tears that spilled out of her bloodshot eyes stung; they burned their way down the corners of her eyes, down her cheeks, and she sniffled, her cheek sore when she wiped it against her pillow. 

“Baby … “ her husband's voice was sing-songy as he neared the bedroom. “Hmm … where's my girl disappeared off to?” 

She didn't bother replying. Instead, Y/N curled up further into herself, dragging the sheets further over her head. She was little more than a small bump in the middle of the bed, and when the door to the bedroom opened, a sudden bubble of amused laughter sprung around the room.

“Aw … what's that under the sheets?” Chris's voice held a playful lilt to it. “Couldn't possibly be my wife … right?” 

A split second later, Chris jumped onto the bed; his body was a warm, solid weight atop of Y/N's, and the woman's breath hitched, her eyes filling with fresh tears as he tucked his arms around her over the duvet, wriggling his limbs around in the manner of an excitable pet.

“Mmm … so warm,”  Chris giggled, the sheets separating his face from her neck. “Fancy going out? We could go find an ice cream van or something.”

Swallowing thickly, Y/N shook her head against her pillow. Her voice was barely a whisper when she spoke, and she buried her face deeper into the cushion.

“No.” 

“No?” Chris repeated. He dropped his head against her shoulder, cuddling her a little tighter. “That's okay. We can stay in and cuddle … wanna watch a movie?”

“No.” 

At that, Chris frowned. He propped himself up on an elbow and peered down at his hidden wife, his brows furrowing together. “Baby? You okay?” 

She didn't respond. Y/N sniffed instead, and she swiped the back of a fist over her damp undereyes, sinking lower under the duvet. It was stifling now; but she didn't dare move. She couldn't bring herself to face the man who was surely observing every one of her minimal movements. 

“What's wrong, baby girl?” Chris's voice had dropped the playfulness from earlier. It was softer now, painfully gentle, and Y/N squeezed her eyes shut even more as she felt the familiar prickle behind them. His hand was tender as it rubbed in slow strokes over her arm, and she couldn't help but recoil, pulling herself away from him.

If Chris was hurt, he didn't show it. He encircled his arms around her again instead, dropping a loving kiss to the duvet where he presumed her head would be. 

“Talk to me, baby,” Chris hummed. “What's going on, hmm?” 

Wordlessly, Y/N curled her fingers around her husband's phone. She thrust her arm out of the sheets and pushed his phone into the confused man's hand before retreating into her little cocoon. 

“Is that my phone? Phone thief … I was looking for that,” Chris chuckled, mildly baffled. He looked down at the screen and smiled, his eyes instantly softening; it was open on a photo of Y/N, one he had taken yesterday when she hadn't been looking. He swiped to the left - there were more, each one featuring his laughing wife, her eyes sparkling and her cheeks glowing under the setting sun.

Chris's heart lurched. God, he thought. That sunset has nothing on her beauty. 

“Why did you take those?” Y/N's voice was hoarse, and it snapped Chris out of his momentary daze. 

Chris blinked. “What do you mean?” 

Y/N gulped. Her lips trembled, and her fingers curled tighter in their fists, nearly piercing the delicate skin of her palms. “I … I look so ugly.” 

At that, Chris froze. “Take that back.” 

“No.”

“Baby … “

“No. Leave me alone.” 

Looking back at his phone, Chris bit his lip. Her broken words had hit him hard; he couldn't stand the idea of anyone saying something negative about his wife. For her to say it about herself … Chris inhaled slowly, his eyes falling shut briefly. 

“I won't,” he said softly, his hand going to rest on her shoulder. “You're not ugly, baby girl. Never ever ever. You're so beautiful.” 

At that, Y/N finally sat up. The duvet fell off of her and pooled at her hips; her hair clung to her cheeks, her eyes wild with unshed tears and her lips rosy and swollen from where she had been chewing on them. She was wrecked - and yet, even like this, her beauty shone through. Chris's breath hitched - he would have pulled her in for a kiss if it wasn't for the sudden anger and self loathing that warped across her face, robbing him of his thoughts. 

“I'm so fat,” she breathed, shoulders heaving. “I … I keep telling myself that I'm not, but … I am. I hate how I look so bad in every photo … like … I look fine in the mirror but then someone takes a photo of me and suddenly I look like the most hideous … troll.”

“No you do not,” Chris said firmly. “Baby … you're so beautiful. I took these photos because I genuinely thought - think - you're the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on … your weight doesn't change that. It never has, and it never will.” 

Tears rolled down her flushed cheeks, dripping off of her chin and splattering onto her thighs. “Don't lie to me. How can you even say that? Don't you feel embarrassed because of me?” 

“Why on earth would I feel embarrassed of you?” 

“Because! You're so … fit. And so insanely handsome … I'm literally the same size as you, but where you're all muscle, I'm all fat. I mean … sometimes I look like I have muscle, but on top of that I'm still so fat … doesn't that put you off?” 

Chris swallowed slowly. His eyes had begun to blur. “No.” 

“Don't lie,” Y/N repeated, her words breaking off into a shaky whisper. “You … you deserve someone prettier than me. Someone who's on your level. Someone skinny, someone with an actual jawline, someone - “ 

She was cut off when his lips pressed against hers; her words dissolved on her tongue with the shock of the sudden gesture, and heat seeped into her shivering body. Chris's eyelashes fluttered against her wet skin, like dozens of kisses of their own, and when he pulled away, the heavy buzz that had been circulating around her mind all morning suddenly dimmed.

“Shut up,” Chris whispered, the faintest of smiles toying on his lips. He cupped her face in his hands, his thumbs caressing her cheekbones with the most tender of touches. “I don't wanna hear anymore. You hear me? I'm not gonna let you talk about the love of my life like that.” 

Y/N gulped. “You're deluded.” 

“No, baby, I'm not,” Chris leaned forward, his lips brushing against her forehead. “Listen to me baby. You are not ugly. I don't care how much you weigh … you fit perfectly in my arms, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Yeah? I love the softer parts of you … I love your cute little face. I like squishing your cheeks like this - “ the side of his index finger and thumb gently pinched the softness of his wife's cheeks, his eyes lighting up as he did so. “ - And I love your pretty little tummy. You're so perfect to cuddle … “ 

On cue, the man effortlessly scooped Y/N onto his lap as if she barely weighed more than a small apple. He grinned widely and enclosed his long arms around her torso, holding her tight, bumping his nose against hers. “God, baby … I wish you could see what I could see in you. I don't want anyone else. Only you. All of you” 

Y/N's vision swam again as she looked down onto her husband's earnest face. “Even my side profile? I think I have the ugliest side profile.” 

“I love your side profile,” Chris hummed. His touch was careful as he cupped her chin, and he turned it to the side a little, peppering the softness of her cheek, her jaw, her neck, with loving, lingering kisses. “Mine.” 

She looked at him, her chin wobbling a little. She looked as though she wanted to say something else, but … 

“What is it, baby?” Chris pulled her closer. 

Y/N looked down. “I look like … like … that fucking pelican in Finding Nemo.”

Chris let out a bark of laughter; he couldn't help it - the sound escaped him with so much disbelief that Y/N couldn't hold back the tiny curve of her lips either. 

“Nigel?” Chris wheezed, his fingers curling into the drape of her t-shirt. “Baby … for fuck’s sake. Your imagination is gonna be the death of me - you do not, and I repeat, do not, look like Nigel. Or any pelican for that matter.” 

‘But I do,” Y/N whined, dropping her face into her hands in embarrassment. “I saw a picture of him earlier from the side and like … I really do.”

“Baby, you're not a pelican,” Chris's body shook with mirth. “Look at me.” 

“No.” 

“Baby … come on. Maybe I'm in love with pelicans, hmm?” 

Y/N's mouth dropped, just as her hands did. “Are you calling me a pelican?”

“No! You called yourself one,” Chris exclaimed, taking a hold of her hands in his. 

“But you're agreeing!”

“I'm not! Look … you don't look like Nigel,” Chris giggled, his hands cupping her face again. “I promise … you don't look like Nigel, or a pelican. You look so beautiful, baby girl.”

Y/N blinked, her cheeks squishing against her husband's playful grip. Her eyes were round as she stared at him, and when Chris's grin widened, she felt the knot in her chest begin to loosen. 

“What's gotten into you, hmm?” He asked softly, slipping his fingers into her hair. “You're always so confident in yourself … I love that about you.” 

Sniffing hard, Y/N shrugged. “I don't know. I just … wanted to look at the photos on your phone and I saw those and the only thing I could focus on was my double chin when I smile. And … just … I don't know. I feel like it's unfair to you. You've worked so hard to look like you do, and I just … look like this.” 

Chris's eyes were pained. But they still held an overwhelming amount of love for her in the depths of the starry black as he leaned his forehead against hers. 

“It's not unfair,” Chris whispered. “It's not like you're unhealthy … you're super healthy. And you're so strong - don't forget how you picked me up the other day.” 

At that, Y/N started to giggle.

“Look … yes you're a little chubby, but so what? I think you're a healthy size … I love you the way you are. I genuinely do. I like that you're all soft, but if I poke you here - “ he chuckled when she yelped, his finger pressing against her killer stomach “ - I can feel your muscle. You don't have to be thin to be healthy, baby. You can be skinny and be really unhealthy, and you can be bigger and way healthier - size, weight, it doesn't matter. You know that, right? It's how you feel that matters. And hey, scientifically speaking, women are supposed to have a higher body fat percentage than men anyway … you need that extra softness to keep your body working properly, yeah?” 

“I know … “ Y/N wiped at her cheek. “But … I'm still the same size as you.” 

Chris smiled. “So? Doesn't mean I can't still wrap you up like this … “ 

She was suddenly cushioned against their bedcovers, Chris's body draped over her like a koala; he really did have an extraordinary talent of making sure his entire surface area was stuck to hers, and with her cheek pressed up against the steady thudding of his heart, Y/N felt the thoughts that had been taking up all the space in her mind slowly trickle away. 

She snuggled closer to him, allowing herself to return his bear hug. 

“There she is,” Chris hummed, tugging her even closer. “My baby. I love you so much, you know that, right? You're my whole entire world.” 

Y/N's eyes swam with more tears. “And you're mine.” 

“Don't cry,” the man patted her back, his fingers threading through her hair with his endless tenderness. “Shh … you're too pretty to keep crying. I hate when you're sad … breaks my heart.”

“I'm not sad anymore,” Y/N mumbled against his chest. “I just … feel so … lucky. To have you.” 

Chris beamed. He peered down at her, his chest swelling with a sudden burst of unconditional love. “Not as lucky as I am to have you.”

Her lips spreading into a watery smile, Y/N looked up at him. His thumb brushed the remains of her tears away, and she stared into his eyes, a question floating around her own.

Chris started to chuckle. “What, baby?” 

Y/N giggled. “Can we … go get ice cream?” 

His laughter increasing, Chris nodded. He pulled her flush against his chest first, his hand cradling the back of her head as he hummed in pure contentment. 

“Wanna go get food first?” Chris suggested. “We could go get your favourite … “ 

Y/N's eyes lit up. “That pizza place?”

“Yeah, that pizza place,” Chris grinned. “Even though we just had it yesterday … “ 

“Hey, I could eat that pizza every single day,” Y/N huffed. “It's so good.” 

He only hugged her tighter. “I know. I could watch you eating it everyday.”

Tilting her head up at him, Y/N's eyes suddenly flickered with mischief. “Chris?”

“Hmm?”

“Did you marry me because you had a crush on Nigel?” 

“Baby, I swear - “ 

“Only kidding. Maybe.” 

“I married you because I'm in love with you. Not Nigel. Otherwise I'd have married him.” 

They were both giggling now, and Y/N looped her arms his neck, grinning against his lips. “I know I brought it up, but … it's strangely reassuring.” 

Chris shook his head before closing his lips over hers. “Unbelievable.” 

Tag list ~ @dalamjisung @ateez-babygirl @waverzzzzzzzz @smutdumpskz @hotmesshapa @chanssmiles @leand125 @foivetimesacharm @dprkbyn @renytherat @super-btstrash-posts @sleepyleeji @ka-ni-ma @straystaychan @mylifesupsidedowm @armystay89 @shut-up256 @hanstan34 @blackfangedreaper @suhomylife @kannaexe @kookie9704 @notastraykid @strayfoxxchan @elizalabs3 @jdopes-recorder @forever-in-the-sky2 @peachygiku @chansducky10 @shakalakaboomboo @jisuperboard @zandra-42 @whyyougottadothatbro @skzcoffeemachine @where-is-innie @rizzshimura @miin17 @nappynapnaps @prettymiye0n @lost-leopard-beanie @chnbngs @hann1bee @stayceebs97 @solandiszale @cosmicalily @modesttiger @chanlixart (let me know if you wanna be added or removed)

𝐎𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐲

Shielding her eyes from the gleaming sun, Sky peered down at her father and frowned in thought. His eyes were shut, his eyelashes long and delicate against his flushed skin, his head resting comfortably in his wife's lap; Sky lowered her face closer to him, tilting her head to the side as she carefully inspected the stillness of his facial features.

“Is he asleep?” The eleven year old asked her mother in a loud whisper.

Y/N giggled under her breath. She was leaning over to the side, reaching for the tray of things nestled on top of their lawn and pulling it towards her. 

“I'm not sleeping … “ Chan mumbled a moment later. “I'm just resting my eyes.” 

“You always say that,” Sky said with an amused smile. “And then you fall asleep.” 

“That's not true,” Chan grinned. 

“Yeah it is,” Noah chimed in from his spot in the grass a few feet away. 

“It is,” Y/N agreed. 

Eyes still closed, Chan stuck his tongue out towards the cloudless sky above them all; it made them all laugh, the sound sweet in the soft breeze. 

“You can go to sleep as long as you stay still,” Y/N said as she shook the sunscreen bottle she was holding, flicking the lid open. 

Chan groaned. “Not again.”

“Yes, again,” Y/N smirked as she squeezed out a large blob of the fragrant cream onto her fingers. “Look … even Ky's keeping up with her sunscreen.” 

“Only because I like the smell of it,” Sky said. Her skin gleamed under the sunlight, her cheeks rosy and the soft wisps of wind sticking her loose hair to her dewy cheeks. “I don't think I'd wear it if it didn't smell like that.” 

Y/N started to laugh. “I'll make sure to always buy you the same one, then. Oh for goodness’ sake, Christopher … stop being such a baby. Move your hands.” 

Chris shook his head against her thigh; his slender fingers covered his face to prevent Y/N from slathering him with sunscreen, and through the small gaps, Y/N could see the blatant grin spreading across his features.

Exploding into a fit of giddy giggles, Sky loomed over her father again. “Daddy you're being silly.” 

Chris made a series of dramatic sounds, each one muffled and amplified in comedic value behind his hands. 

“You'd think you'd have learnt your lesson after turning into a lobster on the beach all those years ago,” Y/N couldn't help but laugh, her free hand closing around Chris's wrist with a gentle grip, slowly dragging it away from his face. “Do you really wanna end up like that again?” 

At that, Chris grimaced. He remembered that day all too well; falling asleep in unbothered bliss on the toasted sand, like a soft blanket beneath his skin. He hadn't intended on falling asleep - but a few hours had passed, and Chris woke up to see his entire body sporting the colour of ripe cherries. Not to mention the strange solid quality his skin seemed to hold as he stretched his limbs this way and that. 

Chris smiled now, remembering the bewilderment on his father's face once he caught sight of him. 

“Okay, you have a point,” Chris chuckled. He dropped one of his hands completely, pushing the other one up his hair and exposing his forehead. “Go crazy.” 

“Good boy,” Y/N's eyes danced with mischief. She caught the glimmer of something equally as playful in the centre of his husband's gaze; his eyes had turned into a rich, light brown like cinnamon under the golden sun rays that spilled over him, and they twinkled as he looked up at her while she smoothed her fingers over his skin. She worked the sunscreen into his heated face, her thumbs caressing it down his neck, and the length of his strong arms. It didn't take her very long, but by the time she had finished, Chris's breathing had slowed considerably, and his face had inherited a telltale softness that showed he was indeed asleep. 

Y/N's heart skipped a beat as she slipped her hand into his hair. She gently wound his fine curls around her fingers as the wind rustled through them, scented with a tinge of the early flower shoots that had begun to sprout around their garden in the flower beds she had planted. The spring air washed over all of them with its cooling kiss, and Y/N smiled to herself as she tipped her head back a little, her own eyes falling shut when she let the sun spill over her. 

She loved days like this. Days where she could sit on the grass for hours on end, a book beside her and something iced on hand; she could gladly spend days after days doing nothing but that and not get bored. It wasn't too hot, nor was it too cold - spring always had a way of being completely perfect, with its colours and its green scents and the unmistakable feeling that somehow, everything would always be completely fine. 

Heart content, Y/N exhaled slowly. She turned her gaze towards her children with a growing smile; Noah was already three shades warmer than he had been two hours ago, the caramel hue to his usually fair skin amplified by the thin white t-shirt he was wearing. His freckles stood out proudly on his nose bridge, and his thick curls fell into his honey brown eyes as he looked towards the grass. He had been picking daisies for a while now, and his wrists donned dainty little flower chains as he carefully split delicate stem after stem. 

Sky was also picking daisies. But she wasn't making chains; she ran around the garden, collecting the ones that were further away so her brother could take the ones around him - the girl came back with a bunch of them clasped in her hands, and she sat down cross legged beside her mother and father with a cheeky smile lighting up her face. 

Y/N watched curiously as Sky took one of her flowers and reached out towards her sleeping father; when she sank the first stem into Chris's hair, nestling it amongst his curls, Y/N's eyes softened and she wordlessly landed a tender onto her daughter's head.

“I love daddy's hair,” Sky whispered to her mother, so as not to disturb the sleeping man in her lap. “it's so fluffy.” 

“I love his hair too,” Y/N whispered back.

“Look … the flowers are staying so well,” the girl giggled as she placed a fifth flower into Chris's hair. “If daddy had straight hair I don't think it'd work. I'm gonna turn him into a princess.” 

From his spot on the grass, Noah laughed under his breath. “He's gonna wake up so confused … fallen asleep as mama's King, woken up as your Princess.” 

At that, Y/N and Sky started to giggle. 

“King Princess?” Sky hummed. 

“Princess King,” Y/N laughed. 

Noah shook his head. “Neither of those make sense.” 

Smiling, Y/N nodded to the daisies around his wrists. “I like your daisy chains, Noey.” 

“Thanks. I wanna find some dandelions,” Noah said, getting up to his feet.

“There's some over there,” Sky pointed to the grass behind one of Y/N's vegetable patches. “Behind the peppers. And there's some on the other side too, I think.” 

Nodding at his sister, Noah headed to the direction she had pointed to. Sky kept placing flowers into Chris's hair, and after a few minutes, the man's hair was more daisy petals than his own fine strands. 

It made Sky burst into hushed laughter. “He looks like a field.” 

“He looks beautiful,” Y/N sighed, a little dazed as she traced a finger over the flowers in his hair. 

Chris yawned then, his features scrunching up as he raised a lazy hand to his mouth. “Mmm … what are you two babbling about?” 

He shifted his head a little against his wife's thigh; he frowned then, feeling something amiss. “Why can I smell flowers? Like … really strong.” 

Giggling increasing, Sky's hair fell around her face like a curtain as she leaned over her father again. “Oopsie daisy … looks like you're a princess, daddy.” 

Chris's face was one of confusion; it made his family laugh further, Noah grinning widely when he returned with his dandelions. “Huh … ? What're you talkin’ about?” 

Reaching for her phone, Y/N pulled up her camera. She snapped a photo of her sleepy husband before showing him what they could all see, and the man's face broke into a large smile, his eyes crinkling as he started to chuckle.

“Daisies?” Chris raised a hand to his hair, very gently feeling for the flowers. 

“Do you feel pretty, daddy?” Sky cocked her head to the side. “You look pretty.” 

“Very pretty,” Y/N nodded.

Chris flushed. “You two … you're making me blush.” 

“Daddy, you're always blushing,” Sky waved her hand around as she dismissed his comment. “Your ears are red.”

Touching his ears for confirmation, Chris's nose turned darker. He sighed, his lips curving into another smile as he reached out and plucked out three of the flowers from his hair. 

“Hey!” Sky was indignant. “You can't take them out … I won't let you.” 

“I'm not taking them out,” Chris laughed. He sat up, and with his eyes positively melting with affection, he extended his arms and gently placed two of the flowers into Y/N and Sky's hair. Then he turned to his other side and placed the third into Noah's, the boy's lips quirking up at the sides as he weaved his dandelions together. 

“There,” Chris hummed happily and dropped his head back against Y/N's outstretched legs. “Now we're all princesses.” 

Tag list ~ @dalamjisung @ateez-babygirl @waverzzzzzzzz @smutdumpskz @hotmesshapa @chanssmiles @leand125 @foivetimesacharm @dprkbyn @renytherat @super-btstrash-posts @sleepyleeji @ka-ni-ma @straystaychan @mylifesupsidedowm @armystay89 @shut-up256 @hanstan34 @blackfangedreaper @suhomylife @kannaexe @kookie9704 @notastraykid @strayfoxxchan @elizalabs3 @jdopes-recorder @forever-in-the-sky2 @peachygiku @chansducky10 @shakalakaboomboo @jisuperboard @zandra-42 @whyyougottadothatbro @skzcoffeemachine @where-is-innie @rizzshimura @miin17 @nappynapnaps @prettymiye0n @lost-leopard-beanie @chnbngs @hann1bee @stayceebs97 @solandiszale @cosmicalily @modesttiger @chanlixart (let me know if you wanna be added or removed)

my bias line drives me CRAZY.

Chan feeling some type of way about his late night workout.

Hyunjin posted on Instagram 2/2

Via @/hynjinnnn

BANG CHAN / VLOG #5 in MILANO ☀️

⠀ i love you more than anything in this world and i will never get tired of saying it🤍 ᅠᅠ

sure.. 😒 @ maariazg on instagram