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dc quarantine zone

@twunk-red-hood

I love Jason's tits but I don't wanna put them on my main. kinky ace that was placed on this earth to be stupid and horny
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Reblogged roipecheur
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Realistically, a household the size of Wayne Manor needs more than just a butler, and while Bruce might imagine he can keep his proclivities secret from his own domestic staff, Alfred certainly harbours no such illusions. I've gotta wonder what the orientation lecture he's worked out looks like. Like, of course they're going to be extensively vetted before they ever set foot on the premises, but at some point during the onboarding process the subject of the Batcave has gotta come up – I just wanna know how Alfred broaches that.

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serious answer: it’s the sex dungeon, and everyone knows it’s the sex dungeon, and alfred is extremely good at getting across the point, in his Very Proper Butler Accent, that domestic staff don’t get to go anywhere near the sex dungeon EVEN WITH an airtight nda contract because someone at some point tried to leak pics to the gossip mags and alfred had to murder them and it was annoying. alfred takes care of the sex dungeon himself. if you find a secret passage on accident you stop and immediately go tell alfred, so he can close the security hole, because if you follow the secret passage yourself and end up in the sex dungeon, he murders you. also if you ever so much as say the words ‘sex dungeon’ he murders you.

funny answer: everyone knows the batcave is underneath the sex dungeon because everyone knows bruce wayne is batman’s sugar daddy.

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Oh my god, though, because if 'it's a sex dungeon' is the implied cover story there is a 100 percent certainty that Bruce 'contingency-awareness' Wayne has built a sex dungeon down there

Like, the clock leads to a tunnel that leads to the sex dungeon and in the back of the sex dungeon behind the leather pommel horse and the rack of whips is a secret door leading to the batcave. Please take a moment to imagine with me the first time Bruce takes Clark down to the cave through the house.

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"It's the sex dungeon."

THEN WHY DOES HE KEEP TAKING HIS KIDS DOWN THERE, ALFIE?

Why do they always come out covered in cuts and bruises and the occasional broken bone, Alfie?

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he's not taking the teenage boys INTO the sex dungeon he's desperately trying to keep them OUT of the sex dungeon because they're TEENAGE BOYS and they keep treating the place like a jungle gym you can jerk off on which is, technically, what it is, but it's not for rowdy greasy disrespectful teenagers who keep sneaking their friends in to play with the swings and whatnot.

every now and then bruce is overheard complaining on the phone to selina or clark that dick tied EVERYTHING into a bow or jason thought it would be funny to mix up the lubes or that tim somehow managed to bolt the flogging bench to the ceiling, yeah, the twelve foot high ceiling, yeah, the 18th century walnut bench, the kid weighs as much as three apples and comes up to bruce's elbow, how did he do this.

and he's not even doing a bit. these things actually happened. alfred bakes you your favorite cookies if you can wreck the sex room without bruce catching you in the act. it gives him a mystery to solve indoors for a change.

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#dc
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Hey wait a minute. I may not be a gothamite but im definitely thirsty

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I like thinking about in-universe social media cause I know in my heart of hearts that a thirsty gothamite tweets something like "pussy from a guy that decapitated 8 drug dealers and left their severed heads in a duffel bag for the GCPD to find 🔥🥵" and it blows up on twitter

Half the gothamites in the replies are explaining to other people that there is, in fact, a crime lord/vigilante/whatever he's feeling like that week called Red Hood and he did actually do that. The other half are responding to the horrified reactions by saying shit like "and he ate while he did it ✨️💅" thus kicking off the bazillionth twitter war about whether it's morally okay to sexualize superheros/supervillains

#dc#dc comics#jason todd#red hood#i dont remember if it was actually 8 but oh well. shrug emoji#the funniest part of this is that i dont even use twitter (<- said with a tone of smug superiority) (i dont like its search function)#social media au#(?)
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Reblogged thebiscuiteternal
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"if you ship this thing it's because you're too naïve to understand that it's toxic and that you wouldn't like a relationship like this" actually it's because I see one of them as a mentos drop and the other as a bottle of coke zero and I want to watch the mess they'll be together

#yea :)
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