aperture science exsanguination cranny

I cant believe the us is going to become [rolls 2d6 teen YA distopia table] parkour civilization

parkour master trump just announced a 2 block tariff on all goods imported from fighter civilization

i beat myself up for not knowing enough about my special interests a lot but then i remember the average person off the street has no idea what the carboniferous is and i feel better

are you really bad at it or are you in "good at it" spaces

Me: ah shit, I misidentified that yellow rumped warbler as a female goldfinch, I should literally be hung at the gallows for this. I'm such an IDIOT

My friend, pointing at a vulture: check out that fucked up crow lol

new mcdinalds ad: big picture of a burger and text below says YES YOU CAN FUCK THIS WITH YOUR PENIS

Via @lunnefisk

adjusted for inflation

my husband and I had our first threesome today and the guy died

hey boy don't kill yourself. green's dictionary of slang is available online and allows you to explore 500 years of english vulgarity. you can search by part of speech, source, time period, etymology, and usage. there's a whole category for gay slang. they even have specific citations listed so you can see the exact context for yourself. boy did you know that in 1927 "to kneel at the altar" was slang for "to sodomize"

ACTIVATING DEATH RAY

Your death will be quick and pineless

My life is now better with this pun in it.

Absurd Item: Pinecone Death Ray, which inflicts a pineless death.

I need to get into mobile game development so I can make puzzle games for middle aged moms. those women deserve better than predatory energy systems and weird fetish ads every 3 seconds. I could be the one to give them something better. I could give them a candy crush clone with SOUL.

i like working at plant store. sometimes you ring up someone and there's a slug on their plant and so you're like "Oh haha you've got a friend there let me get that for you" and you put the slug on your hand for safekeeping but then its really busy and you dont have time to take the slug outside before the next customer in line so you just have a slug chilling on your hand for 15 minutes. really makes you feel at peace with nature. also it means sometimes i get to say my favorite line which is "would you like this free slug with your purchase"

@holyknuckled you get it. lterally what are we here on earth for if not to occasionally impose gastropods upon unsuspecting customers. this story is delightful

@holyknuckled like that?

oh? my god???

yeah, Exactly like that

Here's a fun story of malicious compliance to brighten your day:

Until recently, a few people in my office had these desk shades to combat the obnoxious fluorescent lights, which is very helpful for people (like me) with migraines or other light-sensitivity issues.

A few days ago, everyone who has them was told to take them down. Different people were given different reasons - It violates fire code (it doesn't) / It blocks line of sight (sort of?). Since this goes against the existing status quo, the union reps (my beloved) jumped on it. Someone jokingly suggested using umbrella hats instead, since hats are allowed in the dress code. Today, the union reps are passing out these ridiculous things in protest:

If the rules are absurd, the resistance should match.

all the girls my age are wretched knights or princesses being corrupted by wicked sorceresses or whatever... and I'm just here literally pilfering XD

do you think people in the hannibal universe were intimidated out of serial killing by how much thought and care was put into all of the big serial killer's serial killing. like yeah man i'd loveee to get into serial killing but i don't have access to the facilities where i can flay someone alive and make roses with their skin unfortunately :/ also i have a day job :/ if i was a serial killer in the hannibal universe i'd get imposter syndrome while reading articles about other killers like fuckkkkkkk man he sewed them together in a grain silo to look like a giant fucking gradient when viewed from above. why do i even try this shit. and i'd cry myself to sleep every night

honestly i have to kinda disagree with that post thats like “being knightcore doesnt mean pro monarchy just swear ur undying loyalty to ur bff or ur crush or smth”

no. thats not what makes it sexy. either grapple with your beloved master’s role as a symbol of the state or choose to ignore it entirely and remain their loyal hound to whatever end, uncaring of the structures of power which you serve. become naught but a blade, the burden of your choices left to settle in the hand that wields you. it’s not about being besties forever it’s about OWNERSHIP and DUBIOUS MORALITY and FRANKLY QUESTIONABLE POWER DIFFERENTIALS