It's Christmas time

I do a couple new christmas decorations every year to add to the fun.  This year I made this canvas…polka dots are a bit too big and I went a little crazy, but it's all good!

I made some tree garland from red and white pom poms...

Presents totally count as christmas decor.  I may be a bit obsessed w/ wrapping!!  I seriously love it.  I may had even put out 2 big gifts for Jon from "Santa" a few weeks ago just because I loved the look of them w/ the tree. hehee

A bit obsessed w/ ribbons this year too!! I buy a few new ones each year and ALWAYS keep mine from every present each year.  

I made some fabric covered ornaments…so EASY and fun!

Pots and pans go back in cupboards until after the holidays

I cover my books w/ christmasy fabric.  The top one still needs some work!

I added these hurricane vases this year w/ the Epson salt.  Pinterest idea…I had all the stuff…just had to find another hurricane.  

I traced a reindeer stencil onto this board and covered it in glue and then gold sparkles.  Love it!!

Love love love this time of year!! 

Our "Wait"

I have been wanting to sit down and write my experience w/ our miracle pregnancy for some time while it's still fresh in my head.  Every time I sit and think about all the experiences, tears, prayers, fasts, etc that went into having this baby it is too overwhelming and I give up writing it down.  But I know I will want and need to look back on this and "remember" the Lord's hand in this, and in all I do in life.

In April 2012 I had my 4th miscarriage. I won't spend time again talking about it, I will only say this…I am just now starting to see the ways the Lord helped me grow during that horrible trial, and finally am seeing some understanding as to some of my "whys" I pleaded w/ the Lord to know.  In May 2012 a month after my miscarriage another very hard trial hit us.  I was still feeling very spiritually weak and hurting and I sincerely wondered where the Lord was and why I felt he had dropped so much on my plate and then abandoned me in my time of need.  In May Jon also left to work for the summer as a Vivent manager selling alarms in California.  I remember those first several weeks being very dark and lonely.  If it had not been for a couple priesthood blessings from my dad and a few husbands of dear friends, and prayers of many I don't know if I would have pulled through.  I can honestly say that.

It is interesting to me now looking back my decision not to go out w/ Jon that summer.  I had always left with him while he sold in various states for the last several years, this as summer approached that year I had a strong desire to stay home.  So we decided Jon would fly home once a month for a weekend here and there and I would visit him in California several months that summer.  And we would make it work.   This was a decision made before the miscarriage.  In mid June that summer as I slowly began the healing process in many different aspects of life our ward split. (the boundaries for our church group)  I had been serving in young women's as a counselor, which was quite time consuming and was a bit relieved to have been released by the split.  I remember thinking, "this will give me time to myself…time I need to think and ponder and be strengthened."   Funny how the Lord often sees things a little differently.

2 weeks after the new ward was formed I was called into the bishops office.  I knew I was going to receive a calling, since they were starting a ward from scratch.  I went in with a prompting of what I was about to be called as, hoping desperately at the same time that I was not right.  The Bishop talked with me for a bit and then extended a calling to me to serve as the new relief society president of the newly formed ward.  I didn't fall off my chair, or almost pass out.  I began to cry.  I told him the trials I was facing in my life at that time and he listened and cried with me too.  At the end I accepted the calling and left his office feeling very numb.  I wondered how was I suppose to support and lift up the women in this new ward when I was the one needing support and lifting up?  How could I do this on my own this summer w/ a husband gone?  I didn't know how it would work, but I had faith it was the Lord who called me and I would somehow be ok.  I will never forget sacrament meeting that day as the Bishop called my name to sustain me he cried.  And I knew and felt that he "understood" the burdens I was facing and what that meant to me.  It was a sweet experience.

That summer was a blur.  Counselors were called and we put our heads down, dug our heels in, and went to work.  With a brand new ward there was plenty to do and little time to myself.  I felt as if I was working full time…with one difference.  I loved it!  It was the most rewarding full time job ever.  Serving the girls around me helped me forget my sorrows and helped me in my own healing.  And as the summer came to a close and Jon came home I felt like I was ready to begin trying again for another baby.  So a visit to my fertility specialist was made and the process began again.  Drugs, shots, money out the door.  In my mind I selfishly thought, "The Lord will bless me for accepting this calling and we will get pregnant soon!"

But that did not happen.  Month after month I dealt with the pain of a negative pregnancy test.  After all that work, all the emotion that would go into trying to get pregnant the negative test would really take a toll on me.  Near the end of that year we decided that method we were trying just wasn't working anymore and we would have to try artificial insemination.  This was a scary thought for me because clomid had worked so well to get pregnant with Brenton.  Insemination meant one step closer to the last possible resort in getting pregnant. IVF.  But we forged ahead with confidence it would work for us.
For me time was of the essence.  Brenton would be turning 4 soon, the life as I planned it needed to get going, I needed another baby ASAP.  It was a righteous desire and I felt the Lord would agree as well. After a few heart wrenching rounds of IUI and with no success and no pregnancy I began to stop and to think and pray.  Something I failed to do before because in my mind there was no need…of course I needed another baby, and of course Heavenly Father would know that.  But as I humbled my heart and began to seek the Lord's guidance I felt that this just was not the time and I needed to stop trying.  This for me was the scariest thought I could have had.  It meant giving up MY dreams, My life hopes and expectations.  And placing them in the Lords hands with an understanding He would take care of me.  But also with the knowledge that baby that I knew in my heart would come some time, may not come for months and months, maybe years.  I had to let myself accept that and stop trying to take control of my eternal life plans.

Scared, and a bit let down I handed over my anxiety to the Lord.  Again I put my head down and just began to work hard in my calling and focus on that.  I felt that the Lord would let me know again when the time was right to begin trying.  Months passed.  I hadn't given up hope, but I had given up my death grip on getting pregnant.  I was striving to rely on the Lord and walk into the darkness.  One evening in May I could tell I was about to ovulate….something I don't normally do on my own and a reason it's hard for me to get pregnant.  I quickly took an ovulation test that confirmed I would be ovulating soon. Trying not to get my hopes up but not wanting to miss an opportunity if the Lord was giving me one we tried to get pregnant.  I told myself this again would probably not work since I didn't want to be devastated again.  So I went about life betting that this time would not work and that would be ok.

14 days later though when I had not started my period I began to wonder if I really truly could be pregnant.  I took 2 tests that came out negative.  Broken hearted again I tried to push my feelings aside and get on with things.  But when I still hadn't started a week later I took another test and it was indeed positive!!!   I could not believe what I was looking at.  I was going to have a baby!!!
In my prayers as I began pouring out my thanks to the Lord for this miracle I could feel the Lord saying to me, "I have always been watching over you"  I knew that he wanted me to know and to not doubt that this was His divine doing.  A miracle for me to witness.

And in 9 short weeks our little miracle will be entering the world.  Words cannot describe my anticipation.  Our wait is over.

Home made wheat bread

Ok so I got this recipe from a RS activity at church.  I  had tried several times to make home made bread and never worked for me.  So I was kinda skeptical about this one.  But the gal who showed us said it was fool proof..so I gave it a whirl.  Seriously it was amazing!!  I halved the recipe bc this makes 4 loaves.  Also, I used the bread pans I had, instead of buying the recommended ones.  You all have to try this!!!  No more buying store bought bread for me.

Emilie's Whole Wheat Bread

Makes 4 8/4 inch loaves

7 c. whole wheat flour (grind your own if you have a wheat grinder) 2/3 c. vital wheat gluten (you can find at smiths in the baking isle) 2 1/2 T. instant yeast

5 c. hot water (120-130 F)

2 T. salt 2/3 c. oil 2/3 c. honey or 1 c. sugar (I like honey the best!) 2 1/2 T. bottled lemon juice

5 c. whole wheat flour (this is in addition to the 7c. See why I halved it:))

Mix together the first three ingredients in your mixer with a dough hook. Add water all at once and mix for 1 minute; cover and let rest for 10 minutes (this is called sponging. literally just place a kitchen towel over the entire kitchen aid w/ paddle still in and let everything sit)

Add salt, oil, honey or sugar, and lemon juice and beat for 1 minute. Add last flour, 1 cup at a time, beating between each cup. Beat for about 6-10 minutes until dough pulls away from the sides of the bowl. This makes very soft dough.

Pre-heat oven for 1 minute to lukewarm and then turn off oven. Turn dough onto oiled counter top; divide, shape into loaves (u don't need to make them perfect just put them in) place in oiled bread pans. Let rise in warm oven for 10-15 minutes until dough reaches top of pan. Do not remove bread from oven; turn oven to 350 F and bake for 30 minutes. Remove from pans and cool on racks. This recipe can be halved to make 2 loaves.(this is what I did, since we have a family of 3)

*She ONLY uses Bakers Secret 8x4 inch non stick pans (we could only find them at Smith's grocery store, strange enough).

Try and ENJOY!!!! I ate half the loaf when it came out of the oven...it was heavenly!

The mind of a 4 year old

Quotes from the B-man

B: mommy, who are you texting?
Me: just a friend...
B:  what friend?
me: Annie
B: what did she say?
Me: just some stuff...
B: did she tell you your bum is nice?

Me: Brenton, Ty turned 8 and now today he is going to be baptized! 
B: He is being baptized today? Oh! and when will he be a daddy? 4 months, or 6 months? 


(sometimes during our bedtime routine I tell Brenton about his life before he came down to earth..this is how that conversation went tonight) 

Me: Heavenly Father and Jesus sent you down to earth and then you were a baby in my tummy.
B: How did Jesus get all the babies down here?
Me: You came down into my tummy as a small baby
B: No, how did Jesus get all the babies down to the mommy's tummys? Did he superhero drop them?  

Love how his little mind works!!

thoughts....

warning...long post!


I have been pondering quite a bit lately on my past year and the challenges that life has brought as well as the lessons these challenges have taught me.  Several times I have felt to write them down, but in knowing the emotional effort that would take I put it off for another time.  Today I decided to do it now or it will never get done.  Bear with me while I try to get out some ideas and thoughts that have been on my mind.

Just over a year ago I lost my 4th pregnancy.  This is a memory I probably will always carry, though greatly wish I could forget.  I know now why this miscarriage was so extremely difficult for me to get over.  I had finally started working with a highly recommended specialist...one of the best in the country.  I had found out the progesterone my normal OB had given me was given to me in a way that was in-effective. Many including myself thought this new method of giving me progesterone was the answer we were looking for to keep my pregnancy. I had been tested and cleared of all other known reasons for miscarrying. My chance of miscarrying again was like .015..or something close to that.  My family and friends had been praying and fasting for years for me.  I had poured out my heart every day all day long.  I knew I was doing all I could do.  I fully believed the Lord would bless me and let me keep that pregnancy.  I have witnessed many miracles in my life....I knew the Lord could  preform one for me if a miracle was what I needed.  At the beginning of that pregnancy from a medical stand point my blood work looked great, and I had had a previous ultrasound showing great implantation and no signs of concern.  In my mind, the Lord had answered our prayers and I thought soon I would have a happy healthy baby in my arms.  
I remember the morning going to our 7 week ultrasound.  We took Brenton with us...he was sitting on Jon’s lap. I was nervous but excited to hear a heart beat, which the nurse said would probably happen on that visit.  This nurse was confident all would be great.  I was confident all would be great.  And then the look that I will never forget on the face of the nurse I will never forget.  In shock I remember sitting there... not realizing, maybe not wanting to understand what she was telling me.  Slowly as the situation sunk in, the tears came out of the corners of my eyes as I sat flat on the ultrasound bed.  I would lose another baby.  I remember Brenton asking Jon why mommy was crying.  Jon explained that Heavenly Father said we couldn’t have a baby right now.  
It is a hard memory to revisit.   It brings a deep deep pain and sorrow, a hurt that is difficult to describe even a year later. It is a pain that I keep locked up...and have hidden that key.   Rarely do I let myself think about that day.   
I feel that I should be very open and honest about my feelings...maybe there are those reading this who have felt or are feeling the same things.  
In the weeks and months after the miscarriage I wrestled with many deep wounds and emotional pain.  I felt abandoned by my Heavenly Father.  I wondered why he let me get pregnant again only to not allow me to keep it.  I wondered what faith was good for if it didn’t help me when I asked for a miracle.  I wondered what good prayers were if they weren’t answered...what did it matter if I prayed at all?  And I wondered why Heavenly Father’s plan for other people seemed so much better than the plan he had for me.  I understood that I was being tested...but to me the test seemed very cruel.  This is part of the reason why, a year later, I am still healing.  

I remember after my 3rd miscarriage I went to a fertilitly clinic.  Mrs. Utah was there speaking about infertility.  It was her platform.  She was speaking about it b/c it’s not a topic discussed very openly..at least hasn’t been in the past.  She herself had had 6 miscarriages.  She had 4 in  a row before having her first child.  I remember sitting there and thinking, “I don’t know how she made it through that.  I could never get through another miscarriage.”  I honestly thought that.  I looked at this woman and thought she was so brave, and I felt deeply for the wounds she had to have inside.  

Switching gears again.  I have connected so greatly in the past year w/ the book of Nephi, from the Book of Mormon. The lessons in Nephi have helped strengthen me and spoken to my heart.  I was reading again in Nephi last month and again I felt inspiration as I read Nephi’s account of his life.  Wow talk about trials!  Last year I marveled that after toiling for years and years in the wilderness, having to leave a everything he knew behind, sailing for months and months across the ocean to a place never before explored, Nephi gives thanks and talks about how blessed he feels.  I thought, “really?” did he really feel thankful for the awful things he endured?  And then in the middle of last summer I caught a glimpse of what Nephi must have felt.  In the midst of some pretty heavy trials I felt thankfulness in my heart for all that I had.  It was genuine and I marveled that I could feel that amidst such challenging times. 
This year I have thought a lot about prayer. I still don’t know when my prayers will be answered and we will be able to have another baby.  But I have learned that instead of pleading for this trial to be over, I need to plead for strength and patience to endure it.  Nephi did this.  He talks about how even though they had to live on raw meat in the wilderness their women had plenty of milk for their babies...and they were made strong like the men so that they could endure the trial they were facing.  So why did the Lord make the women stronger instead of making the wilderness easier?  (sometimes I know this is what I’m praying for...make it easier!!)  

Another example...I have an aunt who is in her 60s now (or close to it)  When she was in her early 20s after struggling to get pregnant for some time she gave birth to a baby girl.  Her little girl lived only a couple days and died.  Not long after losing her baby my aunt found out she was going through pre-menopause and would not have another baby of her own.  Today this aunt is a rock.  She has been my rock, as I’ve had a challenging couple years.  I have a notebook compiled of many many letters to me of her scripture studies and thoughts as she has pondered the events of her life.  Events that didn’t go the way she had hoped and dreamed.  There is not bitterness in my aunts heart, there is not anger.  She is full of love and charity.  

So let me tie all these thoughts together.  Or attempt to...sometimes they get gurgled around in my head and I can’t unwrap them.  How did Mrs. Utah get through her 6 miscarriages and still be happy inside?  How did Nephi feel gratitude even though he went through years of “pretty much crap? How did my aunt get through what I can only imagine being more than I could bear?  
Our heavenly Father knows who we need to become and what we need to go through to become that person.  The trials we experience bring opportunities to grow.  True growth comes when we turn to the Savior during these trials.  THrough his atonement he can literally take away the pain, make our burden seem light, help us to endure.  Growth comes as we ask not for our trial to be take away, but as we ask for help to endure it.  Spiritual strength comes and we in faith forge ahead not knowing the future, w/ hope that all things will work out for our good.   Taking away our trial would only be taking away our ability to grow.  I look at my aunt and know this is true...she could have blamed God, become bitter, and wallowed in self pity for years....I would not have blamed her.  Instead today she is a spiritual giant with a wealth of scriptural knowledge she uses to bless others around her.  She has become who the Lord knew and wanted her to become because she turned to Him for help.  

I know the Lord is molding me into something only He can see. Though I don’t know the trials I will face in the future to get there, I know I can get there, with His help.  I have learned that just because my prayers aren't being answered in the way I want doesn't mean they aren't being answered.   And I have learned that through the atonement I can have real happiness and real joy on my journey through life.

Easter 2013

Brenton has been anticipating easter this year since just after Christmas was over.  He asked every week if it was spring yet so easter could come.  Easter this year also happened to fall on Jon's birthday. It was kind of funny trying to explain all that we were trying to celebrate on this special day.   I would ask him things like, "who are we celebrating on easer?"  He would say, "DADDY!!"  And then I would explain it's daddy's birthday but on easter we celebrate the Savior Jesus Christ.  Then later I would ask something like, "Who's birthday is this Sunday?" and he would say, "Jesus!!" haha. Poor kid...it was kind of confusing. Then you add in the easer bunny and it got even more crazy!  

It was a fun day though. Saturday we did the neighborhood easter egg hunt.  There were hundreds of kids and when they gave them the go the site reminded me of watching terminates eat up a piece of wood.  There were thousands of eggs all up and down the hill, and in seconds the swarm of kids would  move across the hill and the eggs were gone like that.  I grabbed Brenton and sprinted w/ him to the far side where we were lucky enough to find a couple eggs before they disappeared.  

My sista Kat had been visiting that week before too so her kids came along and B had a blast w/ his cousins.  

Sunday was a great day!! We made breakfast for Jon in bed, and then had B find his easter basket.  The silly easer bunny left a trail of grass on the family floor so it was an easy find.  We spent the rest of the day until our 2:30 time church started trying to talk about the real purpose of easter.  We drove up to the top of the hang gliding hill and watch some Mormon Videos on the resurrection, and helped B prepare for his first talk in primary.  It was so neat to be able to help him focus more especially on the Savior and learn a little deeper b/c he was preparing to teach the other kids that day.  He did such a good job on his talk...Jon and I were proud parents!  

After church we went over to our friends house for dinner and an egg hunt.  

Sunday night we were talking about a tradition we wanted to start that would help Brenton focus and be excited on the real purpose of easter.  So we decided to get some white balloons and release them.  Since Easter was over we did it for FHE the following night.  We wrote on our balloons why we love Jesus and then took them outside and let them go.  It was a gift Brenton could give to the Savior.  He loved it and it's something I'm excited to do every year now.  

on top of the hang gliding hill before church.  Loved the clearance mint colored pants I found for B's Easter outfit!

Love this handsome guy!  

You will notice one of the balloons is a star...that's b/c Brenton popped one of the balloons on our way home and after 2 failed attempts to find another cheap helium balloon we opted to hit up the dollar store that only carried helium shape balloons.  

We've had snow, snow, and more snow

Luckily  I love taking pics in the beautiful bright white snow!!

B on his new bike..yep trying to ride it in the snow...not so easy!

couldn't decide which one I liked better so I posted them both:)

B and his good buddy Will.  We took them sledding.  Will had a blast and rode down w/ both Jon and I..he couldn't get enough of the sledding.  B on the other hand cried the whole time that he wanted to go home. LITTLE STINKER!!

Rededicated

Once again I have rededicated myself to blogging faithfully.  It is a new years resolution.  There I said it out loud...maybe that will help me do it:)

Our family had a wonderful christmas.  Our plans were to spend it in Boise w/ Jon's family, but due to a horrible sinus infection Jon came down w/ a couple days before and a huge snow storm on christmas eve morning we spend christmas at our own house.  How was it??  AMAZING!!  I loved doing our own fun thing here, just Jon, Brenton, and I.  
Christmas Eve we ate dinner at Paradise Cafe and ended up leaving w/ 8 cookies (we were the last ones in there christmas eve so they gave us tons of free ones).  Then we drove to see the lights at Thanksgiving point...Brenton loved them (I was a bit less impressed).  After a quick run to walmart for last minutes stocking stuffers we ended the night doing a little christmas story w/ B and then watching the Polar Express in the basement on top of piles of pillows and blankets.  Oh and don't forget the creamy hot chocolate!  It was perfect!  Before bed we set out cookies and milk for Santa (thanks paradise cafe) and carrots for the reindeer.

Christmas morning Jon and I woke up at 7:30 and B was still asleep so we put on some christmas music, took some pics of the peaceful christmas home, and woke up our little guy.

Just looking at these pictures makes me sad that christmas is over!! :(  I need one more month of it!

B is obsessed w/ captain america...he wears this mask everyday and when he has it on he comes to find me and says, "I'm captain america...I killed your son."  WHAT the?? Where does he get this stuff from??  

Since B is turning 4 and was still riding a tricycle, we figured it was about time for a big boy bike.  He was sooo excited!!

Love this face...it's pure delight!

After a quick breakfast of German pancakes we packed up fast and drove to Boise.  We had a great visit w/ Jon's family that included seeing LES MISERABLE!!  Love Love Loved it!

And we spend a memorable night playing apples to apples w/ Jon's sister's family.  It was such a blast. 

All in all a great holiday and I'm sad to see it go.  But I guess that is the magic of Christmas...we anticipate it all year.   

Farewell summer sales

Jon's official offer came through yesterday and he will start working next Monday at DOMO!!  He is so excited about this company and the work environment, and I am crazy excited to have good benefits.  Not to mention I will not have to pack up and move our family twice a year...wohoo!!  Getting this job was a huge blessing and we are so grateful!!  Way to go babe:)

Now if Romney wins tonight my life will be complete! haha

Last week I went in for an ultra sound to see how my ovaries looked.  I brought B w/ me to keep me company. He hadn't been in the room where they do ultrasounds for 6 months, but apparently remembered the doctor doing an ultrasound on me.

He looked at the machine while I was sitting on the table and said, "Mommy, are they going to look at your tummy and see a baby?"

I told him "not today buddy, but hopefully soon"

and my sweet little guy replied, "tonight when I pray I will tell heavenly father to put a baby in your tummy!"

I love this boy!