Favorite films

Recent reviews

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  Immortal 2004

  ★★ Watched 19 Mar 2025 1

  There's two guys in a car... one is a perfectly normal human, and the other is a red-skinned hammerhead shark demon-beast. Which one do you think the filmmakers decided to represent in full CGI?

  If you are thinking the monster, think again.

  This essentially sums up this movie, you have shots where character's bodies are live-action where their heads have been replaced by goofy CGI, scenes where live-action actors have had their bodies replaced by goofy CGI, and scenes where…

• 

  Artemis Fowl 2020

  ★★★ Watched 17 Mar 2025

  More like... Arse & Piss Foul.

  Dear oh dear, this movie was an uncontrolled fecal explosion of biblical proportions. Artemis is an insufferably smug yet hauntingly characterless toe-rag. Poor old Judy Dench was undoubtedly baffled at the CGI hellscape she was constrained by whilst being portrayed as a Bowie-esque SS trooper elf. At no point did I know what was actually happening... there appeared to be no chain of causality in this universe, nor a series of scenes that could be…

Popular reviews

• 

  Cool as Ice 1991

  ★★★★ Watched 11 Jul 2022

  Vanilla Ice is a robot from the distant future who has been sent back to enlighten the people of the early 90s in matters of fashion, philosophy and morality.

  He's metaphorically sneaking into society's bedroom at night and sensually slipping an ice cube into it's collective mouth.

  I beleive his jacket is the key, the codex from which all his tenets are derived:

  -Hype
  -Danger
  -Sex Me Up
  -Yep Yep
  -Deep
  -Lust
  -Ice
  -Dope
  -Roll
  -?
  -Down By Law
  -Oh Yeah!
  -Freeze
  -w.t.y.m.

  I have yet to decipher it's meaning. 4/5

• 

  The Happening 2008

  ★★★ Watched 09 Dec 2024

  Mark Wahlberg bumbles about while people mysteriously off themselves around him.

  They meet a guy about fifteen minutes into the movie who explains the entire mystery.

  Zooey Deschanel wanders around staring at the world with her lamp-like tiny-pupilled eyes like a mental patient.

  The acting is bizarrely staged, the dialogue is off putting and the extras are the star of the show. My favourite was fat concerned lady in green...

  There was no twist... maybe that is the twist, but our characters just fuck about until the happening stops happening.

  Moronic.