As one of the horniest bitches on the West Coast (so horny, in fact, that I’ve made a six-figure career out of my sex drive by working in a regulated Nevada brothel for the past three years), I can safely say I know a thing or two about sexually satisfying others. But somewhere along the way, I realized I’d lost touch with my own, well…touch. Reminiscing on my teenage masturbatory prowess—the days when no bath hose or couch armrest was safe from my hormonal humping—I found myself missing my own self-stimulation. I wanted to indulge more often than I was, instead letting work (of all kinds, not just the sexy kind) get in the way of my solo play.
I had a hunch that I wasn’t the only person whose solo-sex frequency had dwindled post-puberty, so I started asking my brothel clientele: Do you masturbate as often as you’d like to? Initially, I used the question as an icebreaker, finding that my nervous-newbie cathouse patrons could more easily answer that than the (apparently high-pressure) question of, What would you like to try with me today? I remember the first guy shared that he jerked off a few times a day and was happy about it. Another dude wished he had more privacy, but with two kids and a WFH situation, it just wasn’t possible. And one of my female clients said she goes in and out of self-pleasuring phases (which she was totally fine with). Eventually I realized people’s answers to this one simple question not only ran the gamut, but also showed me a window into their sexual souls.
Turns out, I was onto something universal. According to certified psychosexual therapist and sex educator Gigi Engle, the answer to this question “reflects one's self-esteem and their comfort levels around sexuality” as a whole. Engle also explained that society sometimes sees masturbation as “dirty and gross (especially for women)” and how your frequency of enjoying it may have something to do with your own sexual shame (or lack thereof). “There’s nothing wrong with feeling this shame,” says Engle. “It’s just something worth working through in order to gain better insights around your pleasure and your body.” Damn, I thought, we may not be talking about partnered penetration, but this shit is deep!
And the truth is: We could all be jerkin’ it pretty much whenever we want—it costs us nothing and no one to rub one out. There’s hardly any logistical coordination required (other than finding a private space and the time to touch), it’s relatively risk-free (as far as STIs go), and unlike the preacher man yelled to my congregation growing up: Masturbating will NOT send you to Hell! In fact, Engle reiterated that it can be hugely empowering. In fact, 74 percent of Americans consider it a form of self-care or therapy, according to TENGA’S 2019 Self-Pleasure Report. Plus, the damn act can actually help alleviate PMS symptoms (excuse me while I build a time machine and teach my past-self this hack). So, if we aren’t hittin’ it solo as often as we’d like to, why the hell not?
I decided to take it to the streets internet to see where readers stand (or sit, lay, bathe—this is a judgment-free zone) with their own masturbation game. Here’s what 13 people of varying genders and sexualities had to say.
- “I definitely don’t masturbate as much as I’d like to. I’ll touch my pussy here and there but I won’t fully immerse myself in the experience (or use the drawer full of toys next to my bed) because I feel like I should be doing something ‘more productive’. It can be hard to take time for myself. I forget it’s an important form of self-care and love.” —Kristen, 29
- “My relationship to masturbation is evolving, and right now I’m masturbating a little less often than I’d like to, but for a reason. I’m finding lately that if I withhold orgasms from myself for a day or two before meeting up with a partner, I can have more intense, more interesting orgasms. I've become able to orgasm from thigh caresses, for example, but only from another person and only when my sensitivity is increased from delayed gratification. It's pretty fun! I think it's important to have great orgasms alone as well, so I don't want to default to saving all my best O’s for partnered sessions. I'm just trying to listen to my changing body and intentionally trying to heighten my pleasure.” —Jiavani, 35
- “I totally masturbate the exact amount I want to, which fluctuates day-to-day, week-to-week. Sex is a foundational part of my well-being and I even have scheduled masturbation explorations for myself—like the entire month of edging I just did, which was an incredible way to mix it up, explore, and get to know my pussy even more. I’m selective when it comes to partnered sex so I have sex with myself a lot, and I pretty much just follow my turn-ons. If I get into a rut, it’s usually a sign my self-care is off, but sleep, food and cumming are my base ingredients for staying healthy and doing the work I love in this world!” —Karin, 35
- “I feel like I do it as often as I want because I just do it whenever I want. I’m in my second pregnancy and, being pregnant, the need to masturbate can sort of just surprise you when it happens. There’s no build up, just boom—it’s needed suddenly. And climaxing is super fast and doesn’t require much! The pregnant orgasms are way better (more dynamic and full body) than ‘regular’ climaxes. But you do cramp a lot right after which always sends you back into reality, reminding you that you’re not alone, ha.” —Jennifer*, 37
- “I don’t masturbate as often as I’d like! In the mornings I now usually reach for my phone first (I know, I know) so instead of starting the day with an orgasm it’s been replaced with a crippling TikTok and dopamine addiction. I probably end up masturbating once a week or so but I’d like for it to be every day!” —Jess, 32
- “Masturbation is one of the only things that's in my daily schedule...and I'm horrible at scheduling. I also have a terrible memory, but I realized that my body always reminds me when it's ‘that time’. I make it a daily priority because of how much the oxytocin and dopamine released during orgasm help ease my anxiety. I guess you could say it's my daily add-on to my antidepressant! Magic Wands and Zoloft, baby!” —Alexa, 29
- “Personally, masturbation is a priority for me. The ratio of need/want does fluctuate throughout each week, though I would say it's a healthy balance between the two. The way I prioritize it is dependent on where my mind is at (day-to-day). If it's strictly for pleasure, when it's ‘go time’ I'll drop everything and have fun. Afterwards, I feel energized. If it's more about self-care, then I'll usually go a few times at night before bed and then a couple of times again in the morning. Sometimes I need those extra hits of dopamine in my system to get on with life with a more focused, positive mindset.” —Joey, 41
- “I really do masturbate as often as I’d like—and that’s probably five times per day on average. I am so stealth, I can do it anywhere. In high school I actually did it during the SATs…in the room…during the test. I’ve done it on a plane—not in the bathroom, in my seat. I’ve done it on a lot of buses. I’ve done it in hospital waiting room bathrooms. Truly anywhere.” —Parakeet*, 22
- “I like to masturbate at least once a week, and if more happens, great, but I’m satisfied with my average amount. I don't really prioritize it—I kind of choose timing intuitively, and usually when my partner is at work. I treat it like my extra special self-care time.” —Fox*, 31
- “I finally do masturbate as often as I would like to after literal years of not being able to touch myself because the shame that swelled up when I’d try it turned into actual hives! Now I do it whenever I please…even in my small NYC apartment with my wife around—we make it spicy.” —Kasey, 31
- “No. With my husband constantly coming and going with his job in the military, I am the person who keeps the household squared away. Constantly cleaning, doing laundry, walking our two dogs, groceries, all the ‘things’ that need to get done around the house, then going to work, studying for my master's degree, and trying to have at least some time dedicated to exercise. It’s a lot! To find time amongst all of that for having a solo orgasm?! It’s like, because it doesn’t contribute to either the overall running of the house or my degree, then it’s not important enough to tick off my ‘to do’ list.” —Lara, 38
- “I masturbate pretty consistently (usually daily, but at least 5-6 times a week), and I love it. I have a healthy relationship with masturbation (despite being shamed for it my whole life—thanks, Christianity). I have done a lot of self-work in therapy and now believe that masturbating is a form of self-care, therefore I try to prioritize it! Also, I’m happy to say: I cum like 2-3 times a sesh.” —Sarah, 31
- “It's not super often for me (nor do I prioritize masturbation), but I still feel really satisfied sexually. I think if I was single I would, but because I'm in a partnership, I prioritize sex with my partner. Also, I don't have as much space to myself as I did when I lived alone or before having a baby. I'm fully aware that this could be a really fun area to explore and spend more time in, I just haven't made the time and space. After having a kid, it changed what my sex life looked like (no surprise), so I've had new challenges in that area. But motherhood has actually helped me grow and, in some ways, enjoy sex even more—just mostly in the partnered arena so far.” —Therese, 38
*Name has been changed.
GG Sauvage is a writer and all-around artist on a mission to f*ck shame away and empower people with self-love. She designed The Sexiest Deck Alive: Erotic Oracle Cards to Turn You On & Help You Turn the Corner, co-hosts the Basic Witches podcast, and wrote the audio drama Sex and the Synchronicity. See her work at Refinery29, Vogue Italia, Vulture, CollegeHumor, and WhoHaHa, and check out her website for more!
