WHATS

INSIDE:

Helping Children
Recover from Grief:

Whats Goin On?

Things to do
and see locally
and nearby.

SUPPORT is
ESSENTIAL
By Christen Shepherd
& Lisa Highfield

BOREDOM

BUSTERS

PAGE 2

PAGE 5

MAY

2016

R E S O U R C E S , N E W S & I N F O R M AT I O N F O R A D O P T I V E FA M I L I E S I N T E H A M A C O U N T Y

Helping Children Recover from Grief:

SUPPORT
by Christen Shepherd and Lisa Highfield

Christen Shepherd and her husband Trevor adopted

four children from foster care. Lisa Highfield is
a child and youth counselor, and became the
Shepherd familys support worker.

Christen: When our two biological sons

were 12 and 16, my husband and I chose to

expand our family through adoption. In 2010
we welcomed a sibling set of fourOlivia,
Samantha, Serena, and Zach, ages 3, 5, 7
and 9into our lives and hearts. Despite
hearing that families often faced challenges
in the early stages of placement, I was
unprepared for the realitythat it would be
the greatest challenge of my life, and that it
would kick my feet out from underneath me.
I felt as though I was drowning in trauma
and a safe shore was far too distant. All six
of my children, both biological and adopted,
were drowning too and I couldnt even save
myself, let alone everyone else.

ESSENTIAL

My children tested us from day one. It took

every bit of emotional strength, willpower,
creativity, and resourcefulness to make it
through that first year together. We learned
parenting adopted children can be drastically
different than parenting biological children.
Almost immediately, our Childrens Aid
Society put me in touch with Lisa, a child and
youth counselor who helped make sense of
behavior, core adoption issues, and trauma.
Her support was critical to our staying the
course.
Given what our children had been through in
their short lives, I now know it is ridiculous
that I thought they should have settled in
quickly or easily. Our children had moved
many times in foster care (we were the fourth
home for our youngest who was only three
years old) and the kids had experienced
instability and abuse. They had a variety of
issues that would make it hard for them to

cope, such as intellectual disabilities, fetal

alcohol spectrum disorder, and anxiety.
Theyd also had an adoption disruption,
spending more than a year in a forever
home only to be sent back. Obviously the
children were in need of some very deep
healing.
As soon as they moved in, the children
unleashed unbridled rage. Small things set
them off, like not getting a preferred cup
at dinner. They destroyed rooms, flipping
furniture and breaking things. With four
traumatized children, it was not uncommon
to have temper tantrums all day long, every
single day, both at home and in public. They
bit and scratched their own arms and faces,
and pulled out their hair. They often attacked
me, biting and punching while shouting
swear words and threats. Our youngest was
only four when she bent a metal lock hurling
Article Continued on Page 3 ...

Congratulations to
our Book Give-Away
winner, Gayle H.!
Expect to see it in your mailbox soon!

All Adoptive Families Welcome

Free Childcare Provided On-Site
June 21 3:30 - 4:30 PM
345 David Avenue, Red Bluff
(North Valley Baptist Church)

Together on Purpose May 2016

A big THANK YOU to everyone who

visited www.togetheronpurpose.org
and entered to win!
... and don't worry, you can still pick up your
own copy of the book at
www.drowningwithmyhaironfire.com

Join us for an
Evening of Fun!

June 11, 2016

Details on Page 2

WHATS GOIN ON?

MAY 2016

17

bTogether on Purpose Network

& Resource Group

Tuesday, May 17, 3:30 - 4:30PM at 345

David Ave., Red Bluff (North Valley Baptist
Church). Come meet with professional
therapist Scott Howell, MFTI and other
Tehama County adoptive families for
support, networking and resource sharing.
Free childcare provided on-site. All
adoptive families welcome. For more
information, call Andrea or Tahnee at 530528-0300 or email acurry@atvrb.org. We
look forward to seeing you there!

18

b7 Essential Life Skills

Every Child Needs

Wednesday, May 18; 5:30-8PM at Mt.

Shasta Resort, 1000 Siskiyou Lake Blvd.,
Mt. Shasta. How do you keep the fire for
learning burning in childrens eyes? What
causes a gap in childrens engagement in
learning and what can we do to rekindle
it? How can we help all children - not just
some children - thrive? Ellen Galinsky, early
childhood expert, president of Families
& Work Institute and former president of
the National Association for the Education
of Young Children, will speak to us about
the importance of promoting key life-skills
learning in early childhood and beyond as it
relates to future success in life. Register at
https://surveymonkey.com/r/5DLCYTV. For
more information or help with registering,
call 530-926-5927.

19

I Will Never Give Up:

The Derek Clark Story

Thursday, May 19, 2016, two sessions:

9AM-11AM or 1:15-3:15PM, at the Board
of Supervisor Chamber, Government
Center, 915 8th Street, Marysville. Derek
is a motivational, inspirational speaker and
trainer who knows first hand about coping
with ADVERSITY and overcoming HARDSHIP.
Thirteen years of Dereks early life was
spent in the San Francisco bay area foster
care system. Be prepared to be inspired
and understand you have the opportunity to
change a life! To enroll in a session contact:
Tammy Turner via email: tturner@co.yuba.
ca.us or call 530-749-6736. Please
choose one of the two sessions. More
information about Derek can be found
at www.iwillnevergiveup.com

22

Family Skate Night

Sunday, May 22 11AM - 1PM

at Cal Skate Chico, 2465 Carmichael
Drive, Chico. Lilliput Children's Services
Post-Adoption Services and Kinship
Support Services Programs in Butte County
Welcomes all Adoptive and Kinship Families
to our Free Skating Event! Free pizza
and drinks will be served. Skate rentals
provided, and a bounce house. Please RSVP
to Lilliput Children's Services at 530-8961920 or email mcrittenden@lilliput.org or
acurtis@lilliput.org.

More Resources for Adoptive Families:

Support Groups:

Education:

Yuba, Sutter, Colusa, Glenn Counties

Sierra Forever Families

For Support Groups held in Yreka,

Mt. Shasta, Orland or Sacramento contact
Leslie Damschoder at 530.879.3861

Seminars on topics like Attachment,

Understanding Poverty, Understanding Trauma,
and more. Leslie Damschoder 530.879.3861

Butte County Post Adoptive Services

The Attach Place

Support Group, Drop in Assistance, WRAP

Family Support Group ... For info, call Miko:
530-209-0817, Heather: 916-475-7198 or
Deborah: 530-896-1920

Center for Strengthening Relationships

3406 American River Drive, Suite D

Sacramento, CA 95864
ce@attachplace.com (916) 403-0588

Coming
Events &
Activities

There's Still Time

to get in on Shasta College

Foster & Kinship Care's
Training for Adoptive Families:

May 24:

Attachment Parenting

May 31:

Grieving the Person Your Child

Could Have Been

Both from 6pm-9pm

at High Point Assembly Church

625 Luther Road, Red Bluff
To register: Contact Judy Mandolfo at
bethelrbjudy@yahoo.com
or 530-209-7649.

JUNE 2016

11

Waterworks Park
Family Fun Night!

Saturday, June 11, 2016; 6:30PM-10:30 PM

at 151 North Boulder Drive, Redding, CA
Celebrate summer by joining the Tehama
County Permanency Team for an evening
of FUN at Waterworks Park - including
Hamburgers, Hot Dogs, French Fries, Soda
and ICE CREAM!!! All adoptive families
welcome! Please RSVP - call Cheryl Jackson,
530-528-4040 FREE EVENT.

21

bTogether on Purpose Network

& Resource Group

Tuesday, June 21, 3:30 - 4:30PM at 345

David Ave., Red Bluff (North Valley Baptist
Church). Come meet with professional
therapist Scott Howell, MFTI and other
Tehama County adoptive families for
support, networking and resource sharing.
Free childcare provided on-site. All
adoptive families welcome. For more
information, call Andrea or Tahnee at 530528-0300 or email acurry@atvrb.org. We
look forward to seeing you there!

An Alternatives to Violence
Project
possible
through
collaboration
with
the Tehama
County
Department
Social Services
An Alternatives
to made
Violence
project,
madeapossible
through
partnership
with
the Tehama
CountyofPermanency
Team.

Article Continued from Page 1 ...

her tiny body at a door to get to me. During

tantrums, their primal screams were unlike
anything Id ever heard before. Lisa assured
me the rages were normal, even healthy, and
that they would eventually subside.
Fear and anxiety were key elements of our
days. Our oldest daughter, Serena had panic
attacks; during the day she was jumpy and
nervous. A touch on the shoulder could
make her leap to the ceiling. She questioned
everything and had a deep worry she would
die. Zach was afraid to step foot outside
because of bees or storms. The only way
Zach eliminated his fear of insects was by
carrying around a therapy chicken. Hed
earned a new pet and he loved the beautiful,
white Silkie hen. By spending time with
his chicken outside, Zach
gradually learned insects
largely ignored him and he
was safe. We spent a large
amount of our parental
energy figuring out ways
to overcome challenging
behavior. Sometimes we
discovered it by asking
others, like Lisa, sometimes
we found it in books, and
as with the pet chicken,
occasionally we stumbled
upon ways to help by sheer
dumb luck.

We were worn out and couldnt stand more

screaming. My husband and I sat in the living
room each night, and stared at each other in
shock and dismay. This was not what wed
signed up for. It was difficult not to question
our decision to adopt. I often wondered if I
would be able to help my children, if anyone
could, or if they had been too wounded, too
unloved to be able to function and attach like
regular kids. It became necessary to work
through my own trauma. I saw a wonderful
counselor who told me the feelings of failure
were normal, but not actually true. He
confirmed what Lisa said, that my children
trusted me enough to show their darkest
selves and that I was showing them what
true love and acceptance were.
We are now three years into our adoption

Our biological sons handled the upheaval of

their lives with grace, although the incredible
stress was not what theyd hoped for. As
we work toward becoming a fully functional
family, all six of our children have bonded.
Parenting traumatized children is not an
easy path to walk, and Trevor and I stumble
as we go along, but we continue to regain
our footing and do our best, knowing our
commitment to our children has given them
their best chance at a productive, happy
future.

Lisa:
Parenting a child who has had significant
trauma takes strength, and most parents
will experience challenges. Support and
help is essential. When the Shepherds found
themselves dealing with
severe behavioral issues,
their agency didnt overreact
and assume the children
couldnt be helped, and
instead, put them in contact
with me. Because parenting
traumatized,
adopted
children can be radically
different than parenting
biological children, I was able
to offer some insight and
encouragement.

... sometimes we found

it in books, and as with the
pet chicken, occasionally we
stumbled upon ways to help
by sheer dumb luck.

Attachment concerns were

intertwined with anxiety. Olivia was terrified
to let me out of her sight in case she lost
me forever. It was nearly impossible to get
her on the school bus, or for me to leave
her to go out. Some techniques got her to
school for only a morning (like giving her a
bracelet I wanted back) and sometimes for
a whole week (like promising a pink cake on
the weekend). She was so panicked about
losing me that she threw herself in front of
moving vehicles to prevent me from leaving.
It was heart-wrenching! Despite smaller
strategies, in the end, it was by forcing both
of us to endure the torment of my leaving
and returning that her faith in me was built,
and she understood that wed never be
separated for good.
The kids really struggled to sleepthey
stayed up late, woke early, and ransacked
the kitchen. Months passed and the original
four members of our family became as
traumatized as the adopted children. We
were so afraid to wake the children (who were
light sleepers) that we didnt turn on a TV,
play music, or get snacks from the kitchen.
Together on Purpose May 2016

journey and the children have healed. When

I reflect on our first year it seems a dream.
Our bonds are solid, the children are secure.
The incredible anger has been purged, the
crippling anxieties dissolved. They stand on
stage at school concerts waving at me, and
run into my arms with joy just like other kids.
They trust I will always be there. We can be
apart, the children always confident we will
be reunited. The rages, the running away,
the self-harm, and attacksits all gone.
With the trauma vented and explored, my
true children have been revealedloving,
affectionate, trusting, and happy children
who are free to grow up in a loving home.
Of course there are still some behavioral
issues, and some days I am challenged
to remain calm and supportive. There is
no doubt the childrens histories have left
lasting scarsadoption cant wave a magic
wand to make that different. The disabilities
incurred by in utero exposure to drugs and
alcohol and from long-term abuse and
neglect wont go away.

Parents often want strategies

to deal with behavior. The
hardest part about parenting
is that one set of rules doesnt apply; the
same strategies dont work for every child, or
they work for a short time but then a parent
must come up with something new. Parents
must be creative, always looking for new
ways to handle behavior. Often it helps to
have support from an experienced adoption
worker or another adoptive parent who has
been through it.
One tactic I love is reward systems. Children
always learn more from positive rewards than
by punishment. The Shepherds implemented
a certificate program, and actively watched
for good behavior and rewarded it. Even
small things, like saying please warranted
praise. Having printed certificates handy was
a quick way to give feedback to a child. The
Shepherd children proudly displayed them
in their bedrooms. High-fives and hugs also
affirm behavior and most kids will seek more.
You cant punish trauma or loss. In the early
months, Olivia, the Shepherds youngest,
would cry at night and keep everyone up.
(Continued on page 4)

An Alternatives to Violence Project made

3 possible

While most biological kids dont sleep

because they want attention, Olivia was
in deep mourning. I explained to Christen
that grief cant be punished. Unfortunately,
holding Olivia and letting her cry, no matter
how many times a night she required this,
was the only route to healing. Again, positive
rewards went a long way,
and when Olivia slept she
earned treats. All children
have needs that must be
met, and they will seek to
meet them. Zach would cry
after he wrecked his room.
Punishing him wouldnt
have worked because he
needed to vent his despair.
Although cuddling him
after unwanted behavior
seems counter intuitive, for
Zach, being cradled filled
an early developmental
need. He benefited from expressing his
anger (although the Shepherds would have
preferred another way), but because of that
and the cuddling, Zach healed, and the
room destruction and need for being babied
waned.

and loving with their mother and would never

think of hurting her. Parents must believe
the turnaround will happen, and that there is
nothing wrong with an angry child.
Not only do kids need to vent years of
sadness, they also need to test parents.
Often the Shepherd kids exploded and

overwhelmed by the sheer pain the child

experiences, and it is common for us to
take it on as our own. When a parent feels
inadequate or overwhelmed, resents their
child, or thinks the adoption isnt working,
they need support. Parents need breaks,
advice, and encouragement. Connecting
to counselors or support
groups can help.
Parents must not give up. If
they look for the positives,
have faith in themselves,
continue to role-model
healthy coping strategies
to their children, and find
support for themselves
while they meet the
challenges of parenting
an adopted child, loving
families are the result.
Love, acceptance, and
consistency are the main
components of healing, and children can
attach, despite the odds. The Shepherds are
a great example of this.

Parents need breaks,

advice, and encouragement.
Connecting to counselors or
support groups can help.

The key is to know what a childs needs are

before they act out. Some kids scream in
order to feel heard. If you can message to
your child that you hear them, that validation
can result in less screaming.
Although no one wants to hear this, anger
cannot be controlled. Offering ?pillows to
punch may help, but kids need to unleash
their long-standing sorrow and confusion
about their lives. We dont allow children to
hurt people or other living creatures, and they
need to be put in separate rooms when anger
erupts. We can offer consequences when
children misbehave, but the truth is most
kids need to vent. They dont have the ability
to work verbally or openly through all their
memories and grief, and anger is the result.
It is really hard to believe a child destroying
a room is a positive step in healing, but with
each explosion, healing occurs.
Sadly, it is the primary caregiver who often
takes the brunt of rage. Olivia and Zach
lost their tempers with Christen, physically
attacking her. Its never okay to abuse a
parent and kids must be stopped, but they
trusted Christen to see them at their worst.
She was their safe place to fall, but also their
safe place to unleash. After a few months, this
behavior stopped. Now they are affectionate

then asked if they would be sent back. They

claimed they hated their new home and
family. Constantly affirming that a child is
loved and accepted no matter what is what
it takes to prove a forever family. Kids will
try and outlast a parent, and adoption can
resemble a strange version of Survivor.
Parents must stay strong. Eventually, most
children shed their protective armor and
attachment results, although the length of
time that takes can vary.
Anxiety often eases as children attach and
feel secure. Serena required toys piled on
her at night to feel safe. (Parents can also
buy weighted blankets for this.) She learned
to recite positive thoughts and practice deep
breathing to calm herself down. Her fear of
abandonment subsided as trust was gained,
as she watched her siblings explode while
continuing to be loved, and in time the panic
attacks and fear went away. On the other
hand, Zach suffers from clinical anxiety,
and because of his intellectual disability
it is harder for him to find ways to relax.
Unconsciously, Zach uses sensory seeking
behaviors to regulate himself, whether it is
rolling on the floor or spinning a toy in front
of his eyes. His sensory processing issues
likely wont go away, but the Shepherds
have enlisted professional help, and Zach
can gain tools that might help him meet his
sensory needs in an appropriate way.
Vicarious trauma is something caregivers
must watch for. Anyone spending time with
a traumatized child can find themselves

Christen:
Adoption has been an incredible learning
curve for me. Ive learned about my children
and also about myself. Taking care of myself
has been a key lesson. Helping my children
takes everything I have, and I need a
continual source of renewal. With no family
to help, it is easy for my husband and me to
get worn out or feel frustrated. I have made
fun a huge priority, something I didnt do in
the past. By doing things I enjoy, I have the
emotional resources to pour into my children.
Taking breaks from the task of parenting is
critical, and I cant do that without ongoing
support. My children cant be left with the
average teenager so I continue to rely on
qualified people who know how to manage
kids who have special needs. I mistakenly
thought meeting my own needs was selfish,
but Ive learned it is the only way I can meet
the needs of my beautiful childrenthey
deserve a mother who is at her best.
In 2013, Christen and Lisa published a book about
their experiences The Promise: The Story of an
Adoptive Mother and a Support Worker which is
available at www.lulu.com.
From Adoptalk, published by the North American
Council on Adoptable Children, 970 Raymond
Avenue, Suite 106, St. Paul, MN 55114; 651-6443036; www.nacac.org

An Alternatives to Violence
Project
possible
through
collaboration
with
the Tehama
County
Department
Social Services
An Alternatives
to made
Violence
project,
madeapossible
through
partnership
with
the Tehama
CountyofPermanency
Team.

BOREDOM BUSTERS
. 38

. 40

Summertime Treats!

. 42

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rGsaep ___________________
leWnareotm ___________________

. 34

. 37

. 39
. 41

Unscramble the words below to get some great

ideas for delicious treats to eat this summer ...

. 36

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. 43

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. 45

. 46

. 32

. 33

.5

. 31

. 30

.9

wtSesriberar ___________________
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. 29

. 47
. 48

tsaenuP ___________________
Surewnolf eSeds ___________________

. 28
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. 49
. 50

. 51
. 11

Can you think of some more?

________________________

. 12

________________________

. 26

. 25

. 13

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. 15

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. 23

. 24

. 21
. 19

. 17

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Can you find your way?

. 27

. 10

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FINISH

Together on Purpose May 2016

START

TIC-TAC-TOE

An Alternatives to Violence Project made

5 possible

Alternatives to Violence

1805 Walnut Street Red Bluff, California 96080

R E S O U R C E S , N E W S & I N F O R M AT I O N F O R A D O P T I V E FA M I L I E S I N T E H A M A C O U N T Y

2016

MAY

An Alternatives to Violence Project made possible through a collaboration with the Tehama County Department of Social Services