FEATURE:

JAN
Whats Goin On? Talking to Your
WHATS Things to do Adopted Teen
BOREDOM
BUSTERS
INSIDE: and see nearby.
PAGE 2
It's possible.
And important. PAGE 5
2017
PAGE 1

R E S O U R C E S , N E W S & I N F O R M AT I O N F O R A D O P T I V E FA M I L I E S I N T E H A M A C O U N T Y

TALKING
It's possible. Extra Challenges for
TO YOUR
ADOPTED TEEN
seem like rejection and independence
like abandonmentemotions associated
Adopted Teens
And important. Identity formation and separation are
with the loss of birth parents. Adopted
teens who cannot express these troubling
adolescents' two main developmental thoughts and emotions to someone (a
by Ellen Singer
tasks. Teens explore and answer parent or therapist, for example) are at
questions like Who am I? and What risk for potentially serious emotional
Teens typically have an endless appetite
are my beliefs and values? when and behavioral problems including
for talking with friends, but when it
establishing their identity. Separation depression, substance abuse, school
comes to talking with adults or (even
involves moving toward independence failure, etc.
worse) parents, conversation often
and personal responsibilitya prospect
consists of one-syllable words, grunts, Why Communication Is Difficult
both exciting and scary that can evoke
and eye rolls. When it comes to talking
a leave me alone, but don't leave Parents who have trouble getting young
about adoption with some teens,
me response in teens. Adoption adds children to stop talking may be stunned
parents might as easily climb Mount
extra complexity to these teen rites of with the wall of silence and withdrawal
Everest. During adolescence, however,
passage. Questions of identity raise that accompanies adolescence. Teens,
adopted teens need parental guidance, though, have good reasons for keeping to
unresolved thoughts and feelings about
comfort, and support as much as ever, themselves.
birth parents from whom teens must
and parents must work to keep lines of
still psychologically separate. For some Teens may stop talking to create
communication open.
adopted teens, separation can also distance from their parents. Distance
helps teens feel separate and
independent, and even children who
It's STILL not too late to get your Starbucks used to share every thought with their
parents may desire complete privacy.

FREE
We only ask one small favor ... Parental attempts to communicate
may fail because teens often perceive
Visit www.togetheronpurpose.org
personal questions as intrusive.
and fill out the survey to let us know

STARBUCKS
what services YOUR FAMILY would Adopted teens may not be able to
find valuable. Then, fill out the contact articulate what they are feelingeven
form, and we'll send your gift card out! to themselves. Adoption-related issues

GIFT CARD
Eligibility: Must be over 18. Must be a foster or adoptive can be some of the most emotionally
parent in the Tehama County area (we're interpreting that
pretty loosely, but keep in mind, supplies are limited). loaded issues teens will ever face.
One submission (and Starbucks card) per adult. While
supplies last. Rules are subject to change at any time.
They may experience sadness or anger
without really knowing why.
(Continued on Page 3)

Together on Purpose January 2017 1

WHATS GOIN ON?
JANUARY 2017 facilitating this new support group, focusing
on Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. The
caregiver, guardian, foster/adoptive parent,
of children from difficult beginnings,
Coming
Events &
Activities

FASD Support Group will provide general maltreatment, neglect, trauma, attachment

17 bTogether on Purpose Network

& Resource Group
Tuesday, January 17, 3:30 - 4:30PM
information, resources, referral information
and provide a supportive circle for you and
your family. Please join us every month for
breach, drug exposure, difficult pregnancy
or brain trauma. About the facilitator: Ce
Eshelman, LMFT, is a champion of adoptive
NEW LOCATION: Alternatives to Violence this new and informative support group. parents, the founder of The Attach Place for
Counseling Center, 20 Antelope Blvd., Red For more information, conact Alice McKee, Strengthening Relationships in Sacramento
Bluff (on the corner of Antelope Blvd. & MSW- 530.828.8731 AMcKee@Lilliput.org and author of a support book for adoptive
Rio St., in the same complex as the Copy parents -- Drowning with My Hair on Fire:
Center). Come meet with professional
therapist Scott Howell, MFTI and other
Tehama County adoptive families for
21 bTogether on Purpose Network
& Resource Group
Tuesday, February 21, 3:30 - 4:30PM
Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents. She
is an attachment therapist specializing in
treating families with children diagnosed
support, networking and resource sharing. NEW LOCATION: Alternatives to Violence with Reactive Attachment Disorder, Complex
Free childcare provided on-site. All Counseling Center, 20 Antelope Blvd., Red Developmental Trauma, and attachment/
adoptive families welcome. For more Bluff (on the corner of Antelope Blvd. & abuse recovery challenges.
information, call 530-727-9423 or email Rio St., in the same complex as the Copy FREE EVENT. Registration required. For
acurry@atvrb.org. We look forward to Center). Come meet with professional registration link, email Leslie Damschroder
seeing you there! therapist Scott Howell, MFTI and other at ldamschroder@sierraff.org or call 530-
Tehama County adoptive families for 879-3861

25 bShasta County Parent Caf:

A New Year! A New You!
Wednesday, January 25, 5:30-8:30PM,
support, networking and resource sharing.
Free childcare provided on-site. All
adoptive families welcome. For more More Resources
Manzanita Elementary, 1240 Manzanita
Hills Ave, Redding. Parents and primary
information, call 530-727-9423 or email
acurry@atvrb.org. We look forward to
for Adoptive
caregivers are helping each other
strengthen their families at Parent Cafs
seeing you there! Families:
with intimate, energetic conversations
where moms, dads, and primary caregivers
build off each other's experiences to
23 bAttachment and
Understanding Trauma-
Informed Care: How Attachment Styles
Support Groups:
solve problems that could affect their own Impact Attachment Yuba, Sutter, Colusa, Glenn Counties
families. Make new friends, share ideas Thursday, February 23, 9AM-4PM, For Support Groups held in Yreka,
and learn about community resources. Mt. Shasta, Orland or Sacramento contact
Government Center Board Chambers, Leslie Damschoder at 530.879.3861
Parent Cafs are setup in a small group 915 Eighth St, Marysville. Presented by
setting with multiple tables covered Ce Eshelman, LMFT. What is Trauma Butte County Post Adoptive Services
with large sheets of paper and colorful Informed Care? Learn what makes an Support Group, Drop in Assistance, WRAP
markers. Local parents - some of them experience a "trauma" and how such Family Support Group ... For info, call Miko:
trained facilitators - gather around to experiiences create styles of relationship 530-209-0817, Heather: 916-475-7198 or
talk, listen and discover new insights on interactions, core beliefs about the self Deborah: 530-896-1920
personal issues from managing stress and others, and impairment in typical child
to communication to discipline utilizing
the five Protective factors. Free childcare
development. Identify your parenting and
attachment styles, identify your child's
Education:
provided for first 25 kids to RSVP. Free attachment style, develop a coherent
dinner. Please RSVP, due to limited space: narrative, understand trauma's impact on
Sierra Forever Families
Seminars on topics like Attachment,
Crystal at 530-242-2020 or cjohnson@ the brain and how corrective parentling Understanding Poverty, Understanding
shastacapc.org heals Complex Developmental Trauma Who Trauma, and more. Leslie Damschoder
should attend? YOU if you are a relative
FEBRUARY 2017 530.879.3861

The Attach Place

14 bFetal Alcohol Spectrum
Disorder Group (FASD) (Chico)
Center for Strengthening Relationships
3406 American River Drive, Suite D
Sacramento, CA 95864
Tuesday, February 14, 9:30-11:30AM, ce@attachplace.com (916) 403-0588
Lilliput Childrens Services, 289 Rio Lindo SOLUTION - RANDOM WORD SEARCH (PAGE 5)
Ave. Chico. Marji Thomas, MA, CCC is

2 An Alternatives to Violence Project

An Alternatives to made possible
Violence through
project, madeapossible
collaboration with
through the Tehama
partnership County
with Department
the Tehama CountyofPermanency
Social Services
Team.
 6
Talking with your Adopted Teen ...
(Continued from Page 1)
Thoughts about birth parents may make
teens feel disloyal to their adoptive
SPOTS WHERE ADOPTED
family. This added guilt can make
adoption conversations with parents
TEENS GET STUCK
extremely uncomfortable. As adoptees mature into adulthood, issues related to the
topics listed below may make life especially challenging
So, what's a parent to do? for them and their families. Parents should be aware
First, parents must think about their that concerns about any of these issues may play out in
their teens' behavior.
teen. What is he like? (Quiet? Analytical?
Dramatic?) What times of the day
does she seem more receptive? Next, DIFFERENCE: IDENTITY:
parents must be honest about their I'm not like most kids; my family is Who am I? Am I more like my adoptive
own communication style. Many teens different. parents or birth parents?
complain that parents don't pay full I don't look like my family. How can I figure out who I am when I
attention when they are trying to talk. don't know much about my birth parents?
When teens actually want to talk, parents I don't share my family's cultural or
should take the time to really listen. racial heritage. LOYALTY:
Five Principles for Effective REASON FOR ADOPTION: I'll upset my adoptive parents if I ask too
many questions about my birth parents.
Parent Communication Why was I given away?
Was something wrong with me? Things were bad in my birth family, but I
with Teens: love my mom and grandmother and might
My birth parents used drugs, abused
One: Send a clear message that you are live with them again some day. How can I
or neglected me, etc. What does this
open and willing to talk about adoption. still love my adoptive parents?
mean about me?
Find ways to reach out that diminish I worry about my siblings who are in
Why couldn't my birth parents
the chances of emotional confusion or different placements.
solve their problems and keep me?
overload. Many attempts will be rejected,
MISSING INFORMATION: PERMANENCE:
but you may well get credit for the effort.
If my birth parents gave me away, it
Kevin was a thoughtful, bright, and What do my birth parents look like?
could happen again.
athletic 17-year-old who had never talked My birth mother wasn't sure who my
I'll be 18 soon. Will my parents still be
much about feelings and even less about birth father was. there for me after I leave home?
adoption. One night, while he and his
parents were watching television, a news
story came on about an adoptee/birth
family reunion. When Kevin abruptly got
dad and that's it. Kevin's parents then situations with teens, but be especially
up and went to his room, his parents were
shared their thoughts about searching, careful of your emotions when discussing
certain it was because of the news story.
and their willingness to support him if adoption. Your teen will be watching
Kevin's parents knew that if they directly he chose to search. Several weeks later for signs that you are uncomfortable or
asked him for his thoughts on the news at dinner, Kevin casually told his parents disapproving.
story, he would politely deny that he that he might like to meet his birth Sixteen-year-old Maurya knew that she
had any. Instead, they decided to send parents some day. They discussed that a was conceived during a short-term sexual
an e-mail to Kevin the next day. It read: bit and then Kevin changed the subject. relationship when her birth mother was
Kevin, We know we are being typical
Some parents take a more indirect 17, and when she entered her junior year
worried parents, but we love you very
approach. In news stories, movies, and of high school, Maurya suddenly began
much and were wondering if you stopped
books, themes of loss, uncertainty, dating several different guys and staying
watching TV because of the story about
and complexity abound. Teens may be out past curfew. When her parents
the young man meeting his birth mother
willing to share their feelings about such confronted her about her behavior,
and birth sister. If you had feelings about
stories without having to directly address Maurya yelled, I know you think I am a
this, we just want you to know that we're
adoption or their own story. whore just like my birth mother!
here for you if there's anything you want
to talk about. Love, Mom and Dad. Two: Communicate respect for your Maurya's behavior and words
teen's feelings and show how much you communicated the pain and anger she
That night, Kevin wrote back: I would
value her opinion. This rule applies to all
never want to search. You're my mom and Continued on Page 4

Together on Purpose January 2017 3 possible

An Alternatives to Violence Project made
Talking with your Adopted Teen ... Four: Share all available adoption is a therapist trained in adoption issues
(Continued from Page 3) information. Many parents want to who can normalize adolescence for
protect their children from potentially adopted teens while watching for signs of
felt about her birth mother and her adoption-related stress.
painful aspects of their adoption story
adoption. It was as if she were waiting
birth histories, for instance, that involve Debbie Riley, executive director of
for her parents to confront her and was
drug abuse, mental illness, incarceration, the Center for Adoption Support and
relieved by her outburst, but her parents
or sexual assault. Teens, however, need Education, Inc., has been providing
wisely sensed that they could not set
birth family information as they work teen therapy for more than 25 years,
limits without first exploring Maurya's
to figure out who they are while being and working with adoptees for the past
feelings. After consulting with their
supported within their families. 10 years. Many wonderful adoptive
daughter's therapist, Maurya's parents
shared their concerns for her safety As Joyce Maguire Pavao writes in The parents, she notes, find it hard to
and well-being, and gently asked to Family of Adoption, It is our job to protect understand the power and depth of
hear Maurya's thoughts about her birth our childrenfrom harm. The greatest their children's feelings of ambivalence,
mother and her adoption story. gift we can give children is to tell them uncertainty, and loss. Their responses
their truths and to help them make sense often are not helpful, not because they
Because Maurya was willing to express don't try, but because they simply don't
of these truths, especially when they are
her anger, her parents could talk with comprehend how powerful and necessary
complicated and harsh.
her about making different choices than these extra tasks are. Adopted teens
her birth mother, and finding better ways Five: Help your teen make connections
must deal with feelings about their birth
to handle her anger. These discussions to his heritage and past. Many adoptees
and adoptive families.
eventually relieved some of Maurya's find comfort in learning about and
pain and helped her to better understand visiting places associated with their birth Ms. Riley has found that parents often
and forgive her birth mother. family or birth culture. A trip to the place respond to their children's pain in ways
a child was born (or a homeland tour for that will make the parents feel more
Three: Look for red flags in your teen's comfortable. Others may think they have
internationally adopted children) may
behavior. Certain behaviors signal what made their teen feel better when they have
enable her to connect to the past, answer
is going on inside. (See Six Spots Where only scratched the surface. Her advice:
questions, or better understand the
Adopted Teens Get Stuck below.) Keep trying to walk in their shoes.
choices that led to her adoption. Some
Lisa, 15, entered therapy after symptoms teens prefer to seek direct contact with Ms. Riley encourages parents to read
of school phobia, peer problems, and and answers from their birth family. more about teen issues and adoption,
self-destructive behavior led to intense attend parent support programs related
Jemal, 13, joined his adoptive family at
family conflicts. While exploring adoption to the topic, and check the Internet for
age three after living with a foster family
issues, Lisa expressed an interest in information and suggestions.
for a year and a half. While participating in
her birth history. Without knowing who Finally, says Ms. Riley, Teens need to
a teen adoptee group, Jemal learned he
her birth parents were, she said, she know that parents are human too. We
was the only one there who had lived with
couldn't figure out who she was. Lisa was make mistakes, we miss things. The
a foster family before adoption. When
also frustrated that her mom couldn't most important thing, she says, is to
Jemal began to ask questions about his
understand why she started wearing one let the kids know we are trying, that we
former foster parents, his parents asked
green and one blue contact lens (her care. Say to your teen, I feel really bad,
their child welfare agency if he could
birth mom had blue eyes; her birth dad but I don't understand what you're trying
meet the family. The foster father had
had green eyes). to tell me. Or, I feel bad that I didn't
died, but the foster mother was delighted
Lisa's dramatic behavior reflected a to see Jemal, tell him what he was like get it. Then, make an effort to learn
desire to communicate, but it conflicted as a toddler, and show him pictures she more. Part of being an adoptive parent
with a desire to keep thoughts private had kept of him. The meeting was very is trying to make sure your teens aren't
since she felt disloyal to her adoptive positive for Jemal. walking alone.
parents when she spent so much time
thinking about her birth parents. Even Getting Support Ellen Singer, an experienced clinical social
though Lisa's mother knew about her Normal adolescence, when overlaid worker, is an adoption specialist at the Center for
daughter's conflicted sense of identity with adoption issues, may increase a Adoption Support and Education, Inc. (C.A.S.E.)
in Maryland. At C.A.S.E. she leads support
and interest in her birth parents, she teen's need for guidance when emotions groups for adoptive parents,
missed Lisa's signal. As Lisa's mother become overwhelming. Friends who are offers trainings about adoption
admitted, she had been minimizing not adopted won't understand, nor will issues, and writes articles for
Lisa's feelings and had a very hard time most school counselors. Teens may not parents and professionals.
Ms. Singer is also an adoptive
walking in Lisa's shoes. let parents help either. The best resource parent.

4 An Alternatives to Violence Project

An Alternatives to made possible
Violence through
project, madeapossible
collaboration with
through the Tehama
partnership County
with Department
the Tehama CountyofPermanency
Social Services
Team.
BOREDOM BUSTERS
R a nd o M WORD SEARCH
Y V Q E Q H J K Q A Z Q D N P D U Y P O M S R D D U P F X J L O P O K C R L B H N W E V Y
How many can
A B Y I N A R X S Q M J X Z V R G X O E H K J D B L K R V W G I S H O V E L V M D Z G N D
you find? N V J V O F H L J O S J K Y J A D X N S V A C S S N M J P F F D I P H Q E D E N S O X B P
SPAGHETTI U J H M C L G D U V G L V O S O D C O B K T G Q U E J K R E C C O S R A I C U P C L N J Z
TRAMPOLINE G B H F E D K E K N L M H O S B V H A Q S E F Y Z E T R A M P O L I N E L T D B G S F S K
SOCCER H Q S P K L T U D M Y B K F B E Z I K N J B Q L J Q P F Q X O L X S A V A B Q U F E O W B
POTATO V P B P L O D Y J S P A G H E T T I Z L R O R V Z O Q X E S C D F S G W W U C R H C B P P
SHOVEL S F S M Y T G R F V B M J C C A W L Z H V A N Z T J W X G O W Z N A T Q J T L W C E R T F
SKATEBOARD
Y Z R R U F G K J K I U H U J K M P T V C R W U R S K U Z G F L L W Q V G V E E G E N D A
(Solution on Page 2) C M K M Z W M P O T A T O V H S A K F B J D Y B D D B B O K L G L E L H U Y R I G L O S R

Finish the Alien... NEW YEAR'S BALLOONS

Trace the strings to find out
which balloon belongs to
which year!

2015

2016
... then give him a name! 2017
_______________________
Together on Purpose January 2017 5 possible
An Alternatives to Violence Project made
 An Alternatives to Violence Project made possible through a collaboration with the Tehama County Department of Social Services

JAN
2017
R E S O U R C E S , N E W S & I N F O R M AT I O N F O R A D O P T I V E FA M I L I E S I N T E H A M A C O U N T Y

It's STILL not too late to get your ...

FREE STARBUCKS GIFT CARD
See inside for details!

1805 Walnut Street Red Bluff, California 96080

Alternatives to Violence