TOP 3 TRAITORS:

3. Brutus 2. Judas 1. Printers when you are in a hurry

Bringing this back because guess what happened to your boy this very morning.

Were you stabbed by Brutus?

we've done it again folks

*stabs julius caesar in the back* you're bleeding because you don't floss

do you want to walk into a cave with me

I hate that SEPTember OCTOber NOVember and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed

Today’s your lucky day

Being raised by areligious jews with 0 exposure to christianity outside pop culture is so fun. One time I asked my ex-catholic friend why a picture of jesus had a bristle crown and she looked at me like I was insane. One time I heard someone mention the "lance of longinus" and responded, word for word, "Like from Evangelion?" One time during a history lesson my professor described an important monk and scholar as "Dominican" and I spent the rest of class super confused and hung up on it because I was very sure that the Dominican Republic didn't meaningfully exist as an entity back then, maybe she meant he was a native Taino or something but that's a weird way to say that and I'm pretty sure this was pre- European contact? Really fucks people up when they realize I genuinely have no idea.

This but it's my partner taking an art history class in college and the professor looking at them like they grew a second head when they answered "What came out of Jesus' wound when he was stabbed on the cross" with "...Blood?"

Additions that prove my point by mystifying me because what on earth would come out of a nail wound besides blood. Are you telling me it was something besides blood. What was jesus full of that wasn't blood. You guys are scaring me

Apparently it was water?? I guess he was also stabbed on top of being crucified (which feels like overkill imo) and water came out, which was a huge deal in medieval symbolism and also to my medieval poetry professor, who was genuinely shocked and upset that I didn’t know. This man fully docked me points because I, a whole ass Jew, hadn’t somehow heard about the secret waterballoon Jesus lore that I guess everyone is supposed to like… intuit

On the plus side, it does lead to some absolutely wild medieval Jesus art of angels tapping him like a fucking keg

sad. the weird shit is the only redeeming thing about catholicism

anyway i looked up the post about seeing your grandma's boobs and tumblr has deleted the screenshot of the story where the finnish dude says that americans are "like that" because they haven't seen their grandma's tits

good job tumblr 👍

Transcript, screenshots of tumblr posts:

anonymous asked: boobs shouldn't sag like that

asirensscng answered: what a funny way of admitting that you've never seen a pair of boobs outside of porn

that1betch (posting a screenshot): I always think of one of my co-workers at a husky farm near Inari, who told me apropos of nothing while we were clearing out dog shit together that he thought the reason Americans are "like that" ("like what, Veikka" got the response "you know what I mean") is because "they never see their grandma's tits." His logic was that "in Finland, you go to the sauna with your grandma from when you're a baby, and you see her naked, and this is years and years before you ever see any porn, so you know before you see any of it that it's temporary and fake. And when you get a girlfriend later, you know it's only a matter of time before her tits look like that too, you accept this. And Americans don't know that! They don't! They look at porn, and then they get a wife, and then they're surprised and bitter when she gets old - it's true!" Like, to be clear, I think Veikka's analysis might have been missing more than a bit of nuance, this is the same guy whose motto was "Driving 600km south to Rovaniemi to get therapy is expensive, chopping wood till you don't care about it anymore is free", but I do occasionally still look at some British or American take online and think to myself, in his voice, "they've never seen their grandma's tits"

I feel like the first class you played in DND tells a lot about you

Reblog and put in the tags what your first class was

UC or ER?

HONESTLY THOUGH

THIS IS BOTH ACCURATE AND EFFECTIVE

Urgent Care is for your "Oh no!" accidents.

Emergency Care is for your "Oh fuck!" accidents.

I think it would be really funny if Jewish folks started using 🫣🫣🫣🫣 etc as prayer emojis instead of 🙏

🙈⬅️ me saying the shema

there's so many prayer emojis

genuinely partially agree with the people on twitter

nobody NEEDS a pillow collection that says "live laugh love", especially when they are never used as actual pillows

it's like buying an off-road car as a farmer and keeping it in the garage to only be looked at and admired

having things with form over function in mind is a luxury problem that wouldn't be a thing in a not classist environment in which you constantly compete with everyone else about who has the perfect life

i also think that if you still disagree, you probably have lost control over your own life choices, or may have never had any

Hey man how's it going

Now that tumblr live is dead let’s put that post button back where it belongs baby it’s okay

Put a / in the year you were born, so we will have an average age

This is what we did before polls, when we could still edit posts

stone age tumblr utilizing primitive tools

Imagine showing up to work one day and people are like "jesus fucking christ there's a corpse in here", herd you to the back room and everyone who sees you also agrees that there is now a dead body where you are sitting, with the appropriate amount of shock and disgust about it. You figure it's some kind of a prank that they're pulling, but also the people that you know aren't into pranks, or aren't very good actors, are treating you like a corpse. They go weirdly back and forth between talking about you as if you're not there, and politely asking you to stay still while they figure out who you're supposed to call in case of a dead body randomly appearing.

Paramedics show up, study you thoroughly and agree that while they can't see any apparent sign of death, you are, indeed, dead, and ask you to climb aboard the ambulance. You're taken to the temporary corpse storage that hospitals have.

On the way there you ask them whether this kind of shit happens often, and while they won't look at you, the paramedics agree that they've never had a talking corpse before, though they won't question the fact that you're moving on your own.

You're eventually led to a morgue, where you're shown a slab to lay on, and at this point you don't really even question it, you just climb onto the Corpse Shelf and lay down, maybe have a little nap, with no idea what's going to happen next.

Then you wake up to someone walking into the morgue, who has the shit scared out of them when you move, and they're like "dude what the fuck, you're not supposed to be here, this place is for storing dead bodies" and when you're like "aw man sorry I thought I was a dead body" they have no idea whether you're joking and they don't care, you're just chased out of there.

And you just kinda go home and take a shower, show up to work normally the next day and nobody questions it.

And basically that's probably how those ants feel when scientists spray them with the Pheromone That Dead Ants Smell Like, and just hang out at the dead-ant-pile until the smell wears off.

I was waiting to find out what social issue this was going to be a metaphor for, so that ending really punched me in the face.

This new kafka story goes hard

You guys are never gonna believe what the name of this sculpture is

literally though if you feel like your life is slipping through your fingers and every day goes too fast… try doing hard things, not just taking the easy route, like reading and making art and exercising and cooking a meal from scratch and journaling, doing these things without distraction, without being absorbed on a screen… the time will stretch and you’ll be reminded that life is long and beautiful if you make it so.