Hydrate or Die-drate

i love drinking coffee

as long as it's consensual!!!!!!!! 😇🫶

god damnit stop being funnier than me, i'm bombing out here

I absolutely love how weirdly specific the notes are about these random concept art characters, it’s pretty funny and kinda makes them feel more real. Like why do I actually care about some of these guys like they’re someone’s ocs or something (which they technically are ig)

Also that “wakes up at 6pm and goes to bed at 9am” inkling is literally me I’m ngl

me when i see a cat: CAT! cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat

Fun fact: when I see cute animals, I forget English and automatically revert to my native Hungarian. I don’t know what bystanders make of me, reciting guttural gibberish to rabbits.

But the real question is, what are you SAYING to the rabbits? Is it ‘RABBIT! rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit bunny bunny bunny awww cute bunnyyyyy’?

Well, I usually say the Hungarian equivalent of ‘bun bun bun lil bun look at your tiny spoon-shaped ears awww bun brave little lawnmower bun’, but sometimes I say ‘hey rabbits, my sister’s gonna go to med school’ because I think everyone should know.

I live in Japan, and I always revert to English to talk to small animals, and I was cooing at this tiny little fluff machine of a puppy in baby english like “hello you’re so cute such a cute hello hello yess you’re good” and the 70 year old Japanese lady that was walking him started to *translate the baby talk english into Japanese* for her pup. She wanted to be sure he understood it too.

https://xkcd.com/231/

@joy-and-whimsy-official

Joy and whimsy detected! This post is joyful and whimsical!

working with little kids is so dangerous. you get one kid who has a unique way of speaking & then spend the rest of your life with an internal monologue like “me’s go bathroom?”

- kid who pronounces “python” as “pith-in”

- a kid who refuses to use ms or mr and call all of the teachers by their first name and is also 5

- kid who yells “fire in the hole!” Whenever doing anything, even if that thing is sitting down to color

- a kid who has a dog with the same name as a classmate, and refers to her (the dog) as “the real lucy” -human lucy does not like this one bit

- a girl who exclaims “Oh! Now This Is Going To Be A Problem! If someone trys to come play near her

- a little boy who’s is always critiquing my nail polish, and inspecting it ever so carefully with tips like “hmm. you’re going to paint lizards on them next time” and “oh no, I don’t like that color very much”

- girl who always trying to make ‘why did the ___ cross the street’ joke and has never once answered one. We say “why ellie? why did the hotdog cross the road?” And she just smiles and turns and leaves.

- a boy who’s so obsessed with Levi’s Jeans that he once didn’t talk to me for a whole day because I was wearing a different brand

- girl who pronounces “orange” as “Er-nage”

I didn’t take many photos this weekend, but you can enjoy this one that made me laugh.

@hazard-symbols-that-fuck-hard

baking vids like this make me die laughing every time like I know what will happen before the video finishes but it's just so funny to me

"Hello, my name is-"

My piece for @spectrumobligatozine.

So apparently Tumblr ate my original post about this but:

A couple weeks ago I’m going to get lunch and as I open the fridge, my mother attempts to communicate to me that any chicken currently in the fridge is ok for people to eat, because the chicken that was intended for the dog to eat has been used up.

What she actually says is, “That’s human chicken.”

After taking a minute to process all horrible implications of the phrase “human chicken”, I decide to go a different route and hold the tupperware of chicken out to my sister, saying, “Behold, a man!”

This was evidently the wrong choice, as it meant I had to explain to my parents who Diogenes was, thereby cementing the incident in their minds and leading to me, just now, opening the fridge to see the following incredibly cursed image:

This is the funniest post I have ever read on Tumblr for so many…many reasons.

[ID: A Tupperware container of shredded chicken labeled “human”. End ID]

@arewebeholdingaman

yeah sure why not

you may notice i use the phrase "my beloved" frequently. this is because i am in love with the world and everything in it. hope this clears things up <3

girl help the pessimists found me

"girl help i am staunchly refusing to realise my own naivete in a world almost completely made up of things that couldnt care less about me or are actively exploiting me"

Girl help the pessimists are mistaking an inherently meaningless universe for an inhumane and joyless one rather than recognizing the opportunity to make one’s own meaning and joy and to spread those things to others

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE.

"actively hungry" + "none of the foods sound good at all" is one of the worst combinations. who let this happen

you CANNOT read too much old timey fiction because I was playing Raft with the lads this morning and without a THOUGHT said we could sail over to another island "if the wind would consent to blow" & let me tell you. This did not pass by unremarked.

you're the only one who understands me mr strobbery

I believe in gentle parenting. Unfortunately many people refuse to parent their child at all under the guise of gentle parenting. Sometimes you’ve got to look your fourth grader in the eye and say “Little dude, that was an asshole move.”

the other side

Both equally important feedback to give children.

LOVE AND PEACE FOR IT/ITS PRONOUNS