When I was a kid and an absolute fanatic for any movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, I convinced my grandmother that we had to go to Movie Gallery so we could rent Universal Soldier starring not only JCVD, but Dolph fucking Lundgren, too. We get the movie and rush back to her house so I can start inhaling the raw machismo of The Muscles from Brussels and Ivan Drago.
But the VHS starts and it's not the opening of Universal…