My reviews may be flippant but they and the scores are basically my actual opinions somehow.
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Freddy Got Fingered 2001
Gross-out humor depreciation is real. Tom Green jacks off a horse or skins roadkill and wears it and you're just like yawn. This is like the tutorial level of the late 90s/early 2000s internet, y'know?
But what will really make you yawn is when it tries to tell a story about, uh, parental alienation and taking a chance to chase your dreams. Like, it's not self-aware enough to parody it. It's absolutely earnest, just while wearing the roadkill of a…
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The Princess Bride 1987
I, uh, I don't think this is very good? But LISTEN, I wasn't 10 when I first watched this, I was an adult. It's just this weird meandering fairly rote nonsense based on a meandering fairly rote book with a handful of pithy line sprinkled throughout but not enough.
It lacks so much confidence in itself that it has to keep cutting back to the kid from The Wonder Years telling us how interesting and compelling the story is and…
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Michael Collins 1996
They cut out the part where he went to space as part of Apollo 11. Pretty big omission.
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Star Trek 2009
Like half the movie is about its weird-ass "prime timeline" conceit shit to set it all up in the first place to keep nerds in trek pajamas from rioting in the cinemas. WHY? just write your reboot, we don't care. imagine if every batman reboot needed the last batman to travel back in time and change history so we could watch this shit again.
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