When we think foreplay, we tend to think touching, kissing (and not just on the mouth), and building up anticipation for the moment when genitals meet and orgasms build to a climax.
But if reading about "genitals meeting" grosses you out, it's likely because thinking about sex as a purely penis-in-vagina affair can be a little off-putting—and for good reason. While, to be clear, we obviously included plenty of erotic touch and oral sex on the following list of foreplay ideas, your first foreplay assignment is to rethink your definition of foreplay and sex in general. As sex psychologist, author, and speaker Dr. Liz Powell says: everything is sex. This can include things like dirty talk, bondage, and playing games (erotic games, not mind games).
"Foreplay is the art of physically and emotionally connecting with your partner in order to create sexual desire, arousal, and intimacy together," explains Pam Shaffer, LBTQIA+ affirming marriage and family therapist.
Whether someone has a physical condition, is taking a medication that affects their ability to come, is recovering from sexual trauma, or is just distracted, stressed, or dealing with any of the zillions of other things that can make it hard to “get there,” orgasms don’t come easy to everyone. And penis-in-vagina sex ending the Big O doesn't need to be the holy grail, the end point of all sex. In fact, we’d argue it absolutely shouldn’t be. That’s why even straight folks can benefit from learning about foreplay from queer sex—which, because there’s not always a penis and vagina involved, tends to get a little more creative.
“Straight couples can learn from the queer model of sex where pleasure is prioritized instead of a particular sex act like PIV,” Shaffer says. “This takes a lot of pressure off of both partners as it helps people to stay present, communicate their desires, and listen to their partners instead of going into performance mode or following a sexual script that may not work well for them. This doesn't mean that PIV isn't fun or that you should avoid it, but more that you can include it on your sexy menu instead of having it be the only item.”
With 30 plus steamy ideas, we’ve created a menu for you with plenty of options, from tried-and-true third base to doctor role-play. Read on, get turned on, and prepare to take your sex life to new heights by incorporating these foreplay ideas into the bedroom (or, you know, the couch, shower, bent over the sink, etc.) Remember, your sex life should be couture and designed just for you, not off-the-rack. Happy shopping!
1.Oral Sex
Sure, having your partner go down on you (or vice versa) is one of the oldest foreplay tricks in the book. But sometimes a classic is a classic for a damn reason. Lean back and sink into a relaxed meditative state while you receive oral, and feel like a god by returning it.
"This is the best way to take turns in bed and really focus on what brings your partner pleasure," Shaffer says. "Giving your partner pleasure is also a huge turn-on, so it's a win-win for all involved. Who doesn't like to see their partner happy?"
2. Penetration
We bet you didn't expect to see this so high on the list—but hi, here it is! Often, especially for straight couples, penetration (penetration followed by orgasm, to be precise) is the final level of the adult game known as s-e-x. But who wants to follow outdated instructions? Try flipping the script by passionately jumping into penetrative sex and then ending with oral. Instantly more kinky, right?
3. Hand jobs
Too many millennials reading this suffered through dry handies in the backseat of some car as teens and have since come to write off hand stuff entirely. Gen Z, please don't carry on this tradition. With the right lube (check out the winners of our 2023 lube awards here), you can play with your partner's penis in a way that's low-key taboo considering that, for far too many people, handies pretty much fell off the menu once penetrative sex entered the chat.
4. No penetration allowed
After you've learned how to utilize the queer wisdom that penetration isn't always the apex of sex, why not play with a no-penetration rule? Find creative ways to get one another off (or just feel good; an orgasm is not a requirement for sex, and hyper-focusing on it can make it harder to actually have one).
"The best way to desire something is to make it forbidden," Shaffer says. "By taking a certain act off the menu temporarily, you can build desire overall, which not only makes the things you are actively doing more fun but makes it even hotter when you finally DO do it."
5. Dirty talk
Not only does dirty talk build up anticipation and heighten the moment, but it's also a great way to try on fantasies before physically going through with it. Let's say that threesomes turn you on, but you're not sure if you're ready to actually have one. That's perfectly normal. You can try talking about it with your partner, purring in their ear all the dirty details about how hot it makes you. It's okay to get off on dirty talk alone, but you can always level up if you like what you hear. Plus, dirty talking takes guts. Part of why it's so sexy is because it involves confidence.
6. Watching porn
Whether you like to stream videos, read erotica, or listen to audio porn, adult content is a great way to explore fantasies that interest you from the comfort and safety of your own home. And once you discover what you like, if you're up for it, sharing it with your lover can make you both so turned on. Like dirty talk, exploring porn can also help you engage with fantasies even if you're not sure you want to try them in real life yet.
7. Making Out
Is there anything more painfully hot than that first primal makeout? Of course, it's great when those passionate early moments turn into something long-term and steady, but for the love of god, don't forget to kiss one another just because you’ve been doing the sex for a while now! Sometimes the best foreplay is just a super hot, animalistic, messy makeout.
"Channel that energy by reminding yourself that no matter how long you've been with your partner, there are still things about them you will never know. Desire lives in the unknown, which is why it's so hot kissing a new person," Shaffer says.
8. No kissing
Now let's flip it and reverse it. Kissing is off the menu. You're Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when Richard Gere is still a client, not a boyfriend, and kissing is too personal. Your partner can pleasure you, but make it clear that whatever happens next is totally physical, regardless of how much you care about one another.
9. Take sexy photos
Unleash your inner exhibitionist, wear your favorite lingerie, and let your lover snap pictures of you as you carefully undress. Of course, feel free to turn the camera on them as well, and if you're really daring, you can keep the shutter clicking as you move along your erotic journey. If you're concerned about your nudes getting out, only do this with someone you trust. Pro-tip: Keep it in the moment and analog by opting for a Polaroid camera.
10. Draw one another
If you feel more comfortable with a pen and paper or paint and canvas rather than a camera (for privacy or romance reasons), you can also create erotic art as foreplay. Channel your inner Jack and Rose and draw someone like one of your French girls.
11. Penetrate using your fingers
You don't need a penis or even a fancy one made out of silicone (aka a dildo) to enjoy penetration as part of foreplay. Upgrade fingering with the same honor bestowed on hand jobs by using plenty of lube and alternating techniques, whether you're rubbing someone's clit, penetrating them with your finger(s), or hey, even your fist—with enough warm up, lube, and guts, of course.
12. Give nipples the attention they deserve
Speaking of fingers, use yours (or allow your partner to do the honors on you; all genders can enjoy nipple stimulation) to pinch and caress nipples. (And get ready for through-the-moon pleasure if someone has a nipple piercing.) Remember, everyone's nipples have a different level of sensitivity. Communicate, as always, to learn what you and your partner(s) enjoy. To level nipple play up a notch, consider exploring with nipple clamps.
13. Add a vibrator
Adding a sex toy to your foreplay routine is kind of like getting Botox. Once you're used to it, you wonder why you didn't start earlier. Vibrators can certainly buzz clits into action, but they also work wonderfully on all erogenous zones and even work as an honest-to-god back massager. And just so we’re all clear, if you suggest bringing a vibrator into bed and your partner feels threatened, it's kind of like hearing someone say they hate puppies. You can do better when it comes to humans, and until you meet someone new, you have your trustworthy vibrator that never acts like a misogynist.
"I recommend that people try a toy on their own first just to see how it feels and then use it with a partner or to test them out together with no expectations the first time around. Once you know you both like a certain toy, it can become one of the best ways to give and receive pleasure without pressure," Shaffer says.
14. Start outside the bedroom
It's true that variety is crucial to a good sex life. One way to scratch that itch for novelty: Switch things up by changing settings. And, no you don’t have to book a vacation to get a change of sexual scenery (though vacation sex is *always* a good idea). FYI: Your very own home is filled with underutilized places and furniture just begging to be defiled. Have you ever had sex in the kitchen? In the shower? Bent over the toilet? On the floor? Give the bed a break!
15. Add anal
Even if anal isn't on your everyday menu, with the profound number of nerve endings ready to party in this region, it’s worth at least adding it as a treat. Anal is like a sexual microphone — it amplifies everything. It makes vaginal penetration more intense, and best of all, everyone has the required orifice, regardless of your genitals or gender. And BTW, you definitely don’t have to jump into penetrative stuff just reap the pleasure potential of anal play. Use your fingers, try a butt plug, or experiment with rimming. (And don’t forget to check out our list of the best lubes for anal).
16. Take a bath together
We've covered shower sex, but don't forget the time-honored shared bath. Just add bubbles (and a waterproof vibrator), and the art of bathing can be romantic and hot as hell.
17. Make it an all-day event
Who says foreplay needs to begin when you're together? Send your love interest flirty messages throughout the day, laced with just the right amount of filth, so when you do see one another, you have no patience for physical foreplay.
18. Give massages
Sensual massages are not only ultra erotic due to the nakedness, massage oil, and perhaps sex candles, but you also get a back massage out of this form of foreplay, so definitely take advantage of it.
19. Add a blindfold
When you remove one sense, the others become more profound, touch included. Plus, there's an erotic element of (consensual) danger when you can't see what your partner has in store for you next as you fully inhabit your body.
20. Play doctor
There are many ways to enjoy role-play, but the doctor scenario is tried-and-true. Your partner needs to look at you and ensure all your most delicate areas enjoy their full potential. If you consent, of course, the exam can always lead to some scenario where you find a way to work off medical bills. Why not get off on our country's problems?
21. Dress up
With role-play, you can play dress up like when you were a kid—but, you know, as an adult. With orgasms. Whether you opt for a classic sexy schoolgirl or something as creative as a niche video game reference, dressing up can help you explore fantasies, find confidence, and have a lot of fun while raising desire and adding variety to your sex life. And yes, you can totally keep the costume on past the foreplay stage.
22. Strip
Shake what your mama gave you with a heart-stopping twerk session, or opt for burlesque and make like Dita Von Teese, putting the tease back in striptease and taking your time torturing your partner during a slow strip. However you like to dance, express yourself while turning your partner on (and yourself, feeling hot is an aphrodisiac), savoring and transforming the typical pre-coital removal of clothes.
23. Bondage
Whether you're a submissive eager to get tied up, a dominant ready to put your brat in their place, or someone who enjoys both, adding bondage to foreplay is guaranteed to take it up a notch. Check out our list of our favorite handcuffs, but remember, there's no purchase necessary to enjoy bondage. A silk tie, some shibari rope, or your partner's belt can keep you bound and at their delicious mercy. Bondage is kinky but, honestly, also meditative. "Playing with different restraints can help you be more present in your body," Shaffer says.
24. Make red/yellow/green lists
These lists, also known as yes/no/maybe lists, allow you to discover and share what you absolutely want to try (green), what you're curious about but not sure of, or a soft boundary (yellow), and what's off-limits or a hard limit (red). Not only is it a great way to get to know yourself sexually, but you'll become more familiar with your partner's boundaries and desires. Sharing these lists tends to lead to fooling around, rendering them sexy (and responsible) foreplay.
25. Use lube
Consider using lube as a foreplay idea you can douse over so many of these thrills, from handjobs to penetration and (absolutely!) anal. "Use more lube, always use more lube. Everyone should be using more lube. Even if you're someone who gets pretty wet, it's still going to make it better, I promise," Dr. Powell says.
26. Write naughty notes
Don't be the person who breaks up with someone on a Post-it, but you can use them to write naughty notes. After a hookup, leave someone a dirty yet thoughtful message before you bounce. You can write down hints about what unholy things you want to do next time you see them and even include questions they can "check yes or no" to make it more interactive, like, "Do you want a nude photo of me later?" Leaving a naughty note with such an offer is a great way to ensure a post-hookup text (and keep the foreplay flowing until the next time you see them). Naughty notes can also inject a stagnant relationship with passion if you're in a long-term relationship.
27. Write a love poem
Balance out your naughty notes with love poems. You don't have to be Lord Byron; a line or two expressing romance goes a long way. And while these are lovely additions to any long-term relationship, remember that intimacy isn't reserved for annoyingly happy married couples. You're allowed to enjoy intimacy within casual encounters. Leaning into such old-school romance, regardless of your relationship status, is a sure way to invoke mental foreplay and keep someone obsessing over you.
28. Impact play
Impact play is just that, any erotic play that involves an impact—like, a literal one, such as a hand spanking an ass. The general rule of thumb (or hand) with impact play is to stick with fleshy areas such as the butt, thighs, or beasts, avoiding the lower back, especially where the kidneys are. (Not to kink shame anyone, but kidney-stuff isn't really part of a healthy kink diet.) Make sure to make a safeword and communicate throughout the scene.
29. Play a game
You can play something sexy that everyone knows, like "Never Have I Ever" or dirty truth or dare as a covert way to coax sexy secrets out of your lover, or you can use a game created just for sex, such as Wonderlust, the intimacy card deck designed to strengthen your relationship and sex life.
"Talking about sex with your partner is fundamental—research finds that doing so increases desire, arousal, lubrication, and orgasms," says sexologist Natassia Miller, founder and CEO of Wonderlust. "The problem is, most of us have a hard time communicating about our sexual needs and wants." Games can give you a kind of get-out-of-shyness-free card by expressing your desires for you.
30. Enjoy dessert in bed
There is an obvious joke to be made here about enjoying oral sex for dessert. But you can also fulfill what college dreams are made of and spray whipped cream over your partner's most sensitive areas, such as their nipples, before licking it off.
31. Make a sexy playlist
When was the last time you made someone a mixtape? Let's bring back some 80s rom-com traditions, even if you use modern technology. Whether creating a personalized Spotify playlist to send your crush as a poetic expression and build anticipation or making your official "sex playlist" to use indiscriminately with however many people you want, music invokes a mood. Bonus points: Make one you can strip to. Do you find words distracting during sex? Stick with ambient or house music.
