Given the culturally pervasive myth that bigger is always better, discovering the person you’re about to have sex with has a penis that’s as supersized as a Costco floaty might make you think you’ve won the jackpot. But actually? There’s some truth to the old saying that it’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean that impacts whether or not penetration feels good, says New York–based licensed psychotherapist Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT.
While all peens are special in their own ways and bigger ones are no exception, they are more likely to make the vaginal and anal openings feel stretched as well as bump up against the oh-so-sensitive cervix, which can sometimes result in discomfort and pain, explains Sex With Dr. Jess podcast host Jess O’Reilly, PhD, resident sexologist with We-Vibe.
The good news is, you can adjust your angles, positions, and approaches to keep penetration pleasurable if you’re playing with someone with a longer or thicker penis, says O’Reilly. It just requires a little savvy from captain and passenger alike.
How Big Is Considered, Well, Big Big?
It’s subjective, but scientifically speaking, anything over 5.5 to 6 inches long and 4.5 inches in circumference generally qualifies as “big.”
One 2021 review published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that the average reported penis measures between 5.1 and 5.5 inches when fully erect. And a recent 2023 review published in The World Journal of Men’s Health suggests an average hard penis measures in at nearly 6 inches. In terms of girth, a 2014 study published in the British Journal of Urology International found the average circumference of a flaccid penis stands at 3.7 inches, and 4.6 inches for an erect one.
The thing is, schlong-measuring is an imprecise science. Researchers have called out the fact that the volunteer design of some studies on erect penile length likely encourages folks with bigger ones to sign up. Plus, the self-reported nature may lead to fudging (read: rounding up) of the numbers.
So rather than relying solely on stats, consider a “big penis” as any phallus (dildos included!) that feels larger than what a receiver can comfortably accept in whatever hole they are looking to fill.
8 Key Sex Tips for if Your Partner Has a Big Penis
Here’s how to get down with your big-donged darling, so you can use more than just the tip.
1. Make Sure You’re Good and Turned On
Much like a Magic Grow toy enlarges when plopped in water, the vaginal canal expands when you’re aroused, says doctor of physical therapy Heather Jeffcoat, author of Sex Without Pain. Naturally, as the canal becomes bigger, it’s able to accept a bigger penis. Getting turned on also leads to something called the “tenting” effect, which is when the cervix tilts out of the way, she explains. This shifted position is essential for reducing cervical pressure during penetrative sex.
As for how to increase arousal? Whichever pleasure acts you enjoy can work, but O’Reilly suggests prioritizing non-genital touch to start. Just make sure that you’re lubricated and comfortable before penetration begins. Which brings us to...
2. Learn to Say “No” or “Not Yet”
Sometimes saying no is necessary when you’re face-to-face with a larger than average penis, even when you want to have sex with its owner, notes founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical, Evan Goldstein, DO. “Whether it’s because it’s enticing, you want a challenge, or you simply don’t want to disappoint your partner, going too big too quickly—or before your body can actually handle it—can cause a world of hurt,” he says.
The most notable sign you should stop is physical discomfort at any initial touch. Pain is the body’s way of waving a yellow flag, clueing you into the fact that something’s up, says Dr. Goldstein. Choosing to override this signal or mute it through numbing lubricants can lead to injuries in the anal sphincter muscles, pelvic floor muscle bruising, and hemorrhoids. Ouch.
3. Regardless of Size, Use Lube
Again, we’re not saying you should use lube to force anything inside you (in fact, pls refrain!). But the benefits of lube, no matter how big your partner’s penis, can make every kind of sex feel a hundred times better—and that’s not an exaggeration. The wetter the receiver is, the easier it’ll be for the penetrating partner to enter smoothly, and that ease of friction can increase the receiver’s natural lubrication, making that penetration feel even better. So whether you’re playing in a hole that can self-lubricate (like the vagina) or not (like the anus), it’s time to squirt some store-bought lubricant onto the scene.
Because skin-on-skin contact can create a lot of uncomfortable friction, so, too, can silicone-on-skin when it comes to strap-on play. When you’re dealing with a girthy dong, the amount of contact between it and the hole it’s filling is especially pronounced, says Dr. Goldstein, which means the sensation of the friction can be extra uncomfy. Lube can help. He recommends a silicone-based lube for long-lasting play. Uberlube, La Nua Silicone, and Sliquid Spark are all great options. (FYI: Silicone lube can’t be used with silicone toys!)
4. Use Other Pleasure Products Too
“Vibrators can be helpful external massagers to increase the intensity of stimulation and improve arousal,” says psychologist Shannon Chavez Qureshiz, PsyD, CST, a sex therapist based in Beverly Hills. You can also try arousal gels, which are designed to increase blood flow to areas where they’re applied, she says.
5. Try a Penis Bumper
Just as you use bumpers to make the lane narrower when you bowl, you can use penis bumpers—stretchy rings that sit at the base of the penis—to make a penis shorter when you boink. “Penis bumpers slide down the shaft to physically keep the penis from sliding inside deeper, thus reducing penetration,” explains O’Reilly. “Most bumpers give tightness around the base that allows the penis-owner to enjoy the full feeling of thrusting, should that be their cup of tea.”
Looking for the perfect fit? Try the Ohnut Depth-Limiting Rings from The Pelvic People—they’re stackable and come in a set of four, so you can tweak the length to whatever suits you best.
Ohnut Depth-Limiting Rings
6. Don’t Forget External Stim
Penis size might impact penetration, but it’s not relevant to clitoral stimulation, which happens to be the “most direct route” to both pleasure and orgasm for many people, says O’Reilly. She recommends viewing a bigger penis as an excuse to give your clit some extra TLC through oral and external hand stuff. You and your partner might also try mutual masturbation, which allows you to focus on your clit—or whichever part of the vulva you enjoy having stimulated—while your partner plays with themselves.
7. Experiment With Different Positions
The exact position that feels best for you and your bigger partner is going to depend on the specific curvature of their penis, as well as the angle of your vaginal canal, but standing sex positions and those that put the receiver on top usually work well, says O’Reilly. Oh, and if you tried a position once and didn’t love it, she suggests giving it another go at a different time of the month. “The cervix changes position with your cycle and its position can affect comfort,” she says.
8. Talk to a Doc to Rule Out Any Infections or Pelvic Floor Issues
Yes, sex with a larger member than you’re used to can be painful, but if you regularly experience pain during penetration, Jeffcoat suggests consulting with a health care provider to make sure something else isn’t the cause.
Your gynecologist should be able to test you for everything from yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis to gonorrhea and pelvic inflammatory disease, all of which can lead to pain during penetration, she says. Here, a course of antibiotics should do the trick.
After infections are ruled out, you’ll likely be referred to a pelvic floor specialist who can evaluate if there’s an underlying muscle or tissue issue. Pelvic floor tension, endometriosis, vestibulodynia, and fissures are all common causes of dyspareunia (aka recurring pain before, during, and/or after sex), according to Jeffcoat. “If the pelvic floor is found to be a contributing factor, your provider will likely recommend that you use medical dilators at home,” she says.
Bottom line? It absolutely is possible to ride waves of pleasure when having intercourse with a partner with a big penis—so long as you don’t jump right into the deep end.
Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a sex and wellness journalist who writes at the intersection of queerness, sexual health, and pleasure. In addition to being in Cosmopolitan, her work can also be found in publications such as Shape, Well + Good, Women’s Health, Health, Self, Men’s Health, Greatist, and more! In her free time, Gabrielle can be found reviewing one of the nearly 1,000 pleasure products she's tested, reading smut, or recording episodes of the podcast she cohosts called Bad In Bed. Follow her on Instagram @GabrielleKassel.
