Preparing for rain

At the beginning of September, our High Councilman got up in church, and passed along a message from our Stake President.  He told us that we needed to prepare for rain.

After church that day, Todd and many other men from our ward spent nearly four hours filling and delivering sandbags to people in our ward.  It was a great sight to see how everyone came together. I got a hold of some empty bags, and the boys and I filled six bags out of our sandbox to divert the water off of our back deck area.

 As it turned out, we barely got any rain in our ward boundaries.  It came down hard for a few minutes, but the destruction was all around us.  The freeway between here and Las Vegas was destroyed.  I saw news reports and pictures on my facebook feed of other parts of town that didn't fare as well as we did.  Perhaps we were just lucky, or perhaps we were blessed for our preparations. I lean towards the latter.  

I didn't know it at the time, but in my own life I needed to prepare for a different kind of rain. September has turned out to be a difficult month. I'm afraid I haven't always weathered the storm with as much grace as I would have liked, but I am learning.

On Labor Day, Todd and I left the kids at 8:00 PM to run to Staples and buy a printer.  It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment decision. We'd been without a printer all summer, but the kids needed it for school, and I needed it for my quilting business.  I felt compelled to go that night, even though it was bedtime and it didn't make sense for us to leave.

We got to Staples and realized they were closed.  We knew that Best Buy was open until 9:00, so we turned around in the Staples parking lot, and waited at the light to turn left to go to Best Buy.  While at the light, the man in the left turn lane perpendicular to us, turned into the Staples parking lot (at dusk) and didn't see a kid on his bike, who was crossing in front of us.  We watched this 18 yr old college student, who had no helmet, get hit and thrown in front of our van.

I'll never forget the sound of the brakes and the thump.

Thankfully, he jumped up immediately, and was able to walk, but his head was covered in blood, and one eye was bulging out.  Todd took him to the side of the road and kept him talking, while I called 911.  It's amazing how slow time goes in a situation like that, and how you forget words or how to use your phone.  We were only about 1/2 a mile from the hospital, but the four minutes while waiting for the ambulance seemed like an eternity.  The 911 dispatcher told me I needed to find something to stop the bleeding. All I could find was my gym towel that had been used to wipe Justin's nose, in addition to my sweat.  It was disgusting. Finally,  I found a roll of paper towels and handed them to the victim.  As he took the towels, he turned to Todd and asked, "Am I bleeding?"  I couldn't believe that while his face was covered in blood, and it was pouring out of his mouth, he didn't even know he was bleeding.  I thought for sure he was going to pass out at any moment.

The whole experience was a whirlwind.  Somewhere in there I moved our van for the firetruck, the sun went down, Todd filled out a witness statement with the police, and within 30 minutes it was over. The blood was cleaned up, the ambulance was gone, we took off for Best Buy, and we were able to get a printer before they closed at 9:00.

It was the next day that haunted me.  I kept playing the "What if" game in my mind.  What if he hadn't been breathing? What would I have done?  What if we had taken our kids and they had witnessed this?  What will this kid's mother think when she finds out what happened? Why don't I have medical gloves or a blanket in my van?  What if he had been killed?  Why did I have to see this? Will I run into a situation like this again?

I've gotten over the trauma, but I was a mess for a couple days.  I am so grateful for the paramedics, fire-fighters, dispatchers, and police officers who deal with this every day.

I had a quilt deadline that week, and when I took it out of the box, I discovered that the girl who pieced it for my friend, Vanessa, had forgotten to piece the back.  I cut the selvages off, and got it ready to piece myself, when I remembered that my sewing machine pedal had died the week before, and I had no way to sew it.

It was kind of the "last straw" and I cried.  I tried to think of someone in my ward who had a sewing machine, but everyone I thought of was at work.  I just needed to get this quilt pinned on and started, but instead I had to run my sewing machine into Bernina to have the pedal fixed.  Thankfully, they listened to my "plight" and got it in that very day and fixed it while I waited.  I woke up the next day with a strong prompting that my plan for quilting this quilt was not going to work, and I needed to change the design.  I have never had such a strong impression over a quilt, but I went with it and I'm so grateful I did! It took from 6:30 AM, til 8:00 PM, but I got it done.  I was also reminded that Heavenly Father cares about the details of our lives.

In the midst of all of this, we've had ongoing financial problems.  We've read that it takes 2-5 years to build up a private practice, and we are only a year in.  We have been blessed in so many ways, but we "aren't there yet".  Some weeks Todd has plenty of clients, and some weeks not enough. But either way, we only get paid when they pay.   He had a wonderful secretary who was excellent at collections, but she got cancer and recently quit.  I can't blame her. She has way too much on her plate right now.  Both her dad and brother are currently dying from cancer.  Somewhere in her last couple weeks, she made a mistake with the numbers, and it left us owing a large sum of money to one of Todd's co-workers.  

At the same time, I was also in the middle of setting up payments for our large pile of medical debt from my two miscarriages earlier this year.   I had one really hard day when I realized that this was the week my first baby would have been due, but instead I was setting up payments with our family doctor, OB, the lab, and the radiology dept at the hospital because I just couldn't pay the balances.  I opened up a financial assistance form from my family doctor, and found this sweet note from the lady in the billing office:

I cried, and cried that day. What a sweet, tender mercy.

Later on in the month, we did get some more rain, and were able to put our sandbags to good use. We live on a hill, so as long as we can divert the water from collecting on our back deck, I don't worry too much about our basement flooding, but you just never know.  I'm still in awe when I see pictures of the freeway that was completely washed out.  Todd keeps saying, "We are SO small. We thought we were doing good by filling sandbags, but if we'd gotten the brunt of the storm like Las Vegas or Phoenix did, our sandbags wouldn't have done a thing."  It is a humbling thing to experience, and we are grateful we were spared. 

I don't have any pictures, but around this time we also experienced a lockout at our schools.  I got an email from Brayden's school telling me that the students were in lockout, under direction of the city police department, and that parents were not to come near the school.

There aren't words to describe what happens to your heart when you get a message like that.

Minutes later, Caleb arrived home.  His school had let out just before the lockout took effect, and I was so grateful because he was able to explain to me the difference between a lockout, and a lockdown.  In a lockdown, something happened INSIDE the school.  In a lockout, something happened outside the school.  I was more at peace knowing that everything inside the school was fine.

After a few minutes of searching online, I learned that the lockout was due to a local bank robbery, where there were kidnapped hostages, and the "excitement" was in an area where some of the kids from our school district live.  The story tragically ended with the police shooting and killing the armed suspect, not long after our kids were finally allowed to leave school.  This all happened about 3 miles from our house (as the crow flies).   It was too close to home, and yet, I don't think it's the last time something like this will happen.  It is a different world than when I was in school.  I pray that I can prepare my children for the "rain" that they will no doubt experience in their lifetime, and that they will know where to turn for peace.

All the rain and flash floods we've been having has brought an influx of  "the most venomous scorpions in the US" to our area.  I still have yet to see one, but my neighbor around the corner found one in her yard, and my friend who lives across town has found two inside her house.  Since scorpions eat bugs, we decided it was high time we get our yard sprayed to reduce the food supply. Spraying always brings the critters out of hiding, and we've seen more than our fair share of black widows, and cockroaches this week!

We bought a UV flashlight, since the scorpions come out at night and they glow under a black light.  Our new "date night" hobby is to go scorpion hunting after the kids go to bed.  We haven't found any yet, which we are grateful for, but I hope if they are in our yard we will find them.  (You can't spray for scorpions, you just have to "take care of them" with your shoe) Since Justin refuses to wear shoes outside, and our kids have roller blades that would be a great place for a scorpion to hide, I am on a mission to keep our yard scorpion free.

Last week, Todd's truck started leaking fluid.  He told me about it, just as I was getting up from a prayer...a prayer for strength to go forward in the day and not let anxiety overwhelm me.  There's no way we can afford to fix his truck right now, so I immediately began to figure out how we were going to get everyone where they needed to be with one car.  It was going to be a juggling act, for sure, but I was ready to do it.  I drove Todd to work, and picked him up later that evening.  He had done all kinds of research on google, but couldn't find any major car problem that would cause clear fluid to leak, so we're assuming it's an air conditioning problem and he's been driving his truck anyway.

This week, I broke my toe.  My fourth toe, to be exact.  Who breaks their fourth toe?  It's really turned out to be a blessing, as I now have a painful reminder with every step I take, how much I was taking for granted last week when I could clean my house or go to the gym without pain. It has caused me to reflect, and be more grateful for the blessings I have taken for granted.

As I took my oldest two boys to Early Morning Orchestra today,  I was pondering this post, and found it ironic that I grew up praying for rain.  Living on a farm, our livelihood depended on the crops having water. Watching the weather report every night, and fasting for rain were commonplace. We needed the water so our crops would grow.

I haven't reached a point in my life where I'm ready to pray for the kind of "rain" I'm talking about, though I am more clearly able to see that through the storms of life, I have been able to grow in a way that wouldn't have been possible otherwise.

I was talking to my friend, Vanessa, last week, and she reminded me that in the scriptures, whenever we read about a trial or conflict, the people often experienced a period of waiting before their problems were solved.  The very next day, I read the following in Alma 58:7-13:

7  And it came to pass that we did wait in these difficult circumstances for the space of many months, even until we were about to perish for the want of food.
9  ...therefore we were grieved and also filled with fear...
10  Therefore we did pour out our souls in prayer to God, that he would strengthen us and deliver us...yea, and also give us strength that we might retain our...lands, and possessions, for the support of our people.
11  Yea, and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us faith, and did cause us that we should have hope for our deliverance in Him.
12  And we did take courage...and were fixed with a determination...to maintain our lands, and our possessions...and the cause of our liberty.
13  And thus we did go forth with all our might...

We fasted this month for help with our business and finances, and prayed for inspiration.  We know we have been led here, and many opportunities have fallen right into our lap.  We are currently in that "waiting" stage, but I can testify to verse 11. Since our fast, the Lord has blessed us with assurance that it's going to be okay, and we have hope in Him.  I have been able to go forward with peace in my heart, and a greater determination to "go forth with all my might".

I am learning, slowly, to dance in the rain.

July looked like this...

- In July we logged over 60 hours in the car.  We traveled to Cache Valley on the 4th and did fireworks with cousins, watched our neice be baptized, and then spent a week with Grandma and Grandpa while Todd attended conferences/trainings in Salt Lake.  

- The first picture shows my kids with their cousins, playing Lego's at grandma-greats house after Sunday dinner. As a child I always had Sunday dinner at Grandma's house, and I loved that my kids had the chance to experience one of my fondest childhood memories. 

-Justin ended up getting sick while at Grandma's, and spent three days with a fever and the throw-ups. I took him to the doctor when I learned that strep was going around, but it was just a virus (of course). 

-The boys spent time hanging out with cousins in Grandma's "pool".

-On our last night, we built a fire and had roasted peeps and s'mores. Grandma claims it was her first time ever making s'mores.

- We were home for five days (long enough to unpack and re-pack), and then left for our family reunion in Oregon.  This was Justin's first time doing a 20+ hour car ride and he did fabulous, as did the other boys.  

-On the way to Oregon, we got a speeding ticket, and later we were in a small fender bender.  Thankfully everyone was okay, and our car was still driveable so we continued on. This picture shows our $2000 worth of damage.  Good grief.

-We attended church in Klamath Falls, Oregon.  The small church had the articles of faith carved into the side of the building. I've never seen that before. 

-We spent a day at Crater Lake, which was absolutely breathtaking.  The rangers told us that many people actually gasp when they see it for the first time.  I have never seen water so blue.  Because it is in the crater of a volcano, there are no streams going in or out.

-We finally arrived (last, thanks to our accident) at our beach house on Rockaway Beach.  There were eight units, and our extended family occupied five of them.  We all had our own kitchens, and a big backyard with picnic tables, fire pit, grills, volleyball net, and playground...not to mention the ocean.

-While at Rockaway Beach, we barbecued,  toured the Tillamook Cheese factory, rode a Carousel in Seaside, and played on the beach. 

-We got up at 5:45 AM to visit some tide pools while the tide was out.  The kids loved seeing lots of crabs, including many hermit crabs, eels, starfish, and various ocean plant life.  

-There was a charming little train that went past our hotel twice a day.  I loved hearing the whistle, and putting coins on the track :o)  I can finally cross that off my bucket list...

Here we are at Crater Lake:

Oh, how I love the ocean!  The high was 68 degrees, so the water was cold, but it didn't stop the kids for a second. 

They played in that water as if we were in California.

The Ocean Rogue Inn.  We stayed on the bottom floor of the house on the left, under the porch.  

I loved opening the blinds on those windows every morning and letting the sun shine in.

Anything octopus related is an inside joke at our house, so when I found out there was an "Octopus Tree" nearby, I had to get a picture :o).  It was pouring rain while we were there, but we still had a great time.

 

Justin made Crater Lake in the sand (by himself!).  

Todd was beaming that our little detour on the way made such an impact on him.  

He even made "wizard island" and the "ghost ship".

 Todd and his Mom and siblings.  It was so fun to have everyone together for a few days.  

Thanks, Linda, for giving us this opportunity.  We created memories we'll never forget.

June looked like this...

- June started out with more quilting.  I can't show the top, but you can see the quilting from the back. This turned out to be one of my all-time favorite quilts.

- Justin attended the father/son campout for his first time, leaving me  free  , I mean alone, for a good 16 hours or so.  My college roommate and I got together and did some fathers day shopping for our hubbies.

- What is it with boys and electronic gadgets?  Nothing draws a family of boys closer than silly youtube videos.

- Justin regularly picks flowers for me, and it melts my heart every time.  He also has a fascination with bringing me pinecones whenever he finds them.

-We worked and worked in the basement and have everything but the bathroom finished.  We got rid of the dropped false ceilings.  Todd framed them, wired new lights, hung sheetrock, mudded, textured, and installed baseboards.  My job was to paint.  Because it was ceilings, and required priming before painting, I was speckled all week--I had paint in my eyelashes, hair, ears, and everywhere else. Caleb and Brayden are finally back in their rooms and we are trying to find the motivation time to finish the bathroom.

-Todd, Brayden, and Caleb went to Scout Camp for a week and had many adventures.  They came home sunburned, dirty, and brought lots of laundry.  Something I learned is that scout camp actually exists...shh....for the mom.  I went days without needing to do laundry or running the dishwasher and got caught up on so many things.  The house was so quiet.  I dearly love my tweens, but I am already looking forward to scout camp next year :o)

-Justin fell off of our table (There really is a reason for the "no bums on the table rule") and got a nasty owie on his ear.  It didn't bleed...until the next day when he helped himself to a bandaid and put the sticky part right on the scrape. When he pulled it off we had a mess...you can't really put a bandaid on an ear, nor can you convince a bleeding three-year old to sit still.

-As expected, it got really hot in July.  Thankfully not near as hot as last summer, but we did take advantage of the 109 degree weather by baking cookies in our car.  Yes, IN OUR CAR.  It took about three hours, and they looked a little anemic, but they tasted good.

-While the big boys were at scout camp, Dillon and I got some bakeable clay and got crafty.  I made three robots (Todd, Felicia, and Brayden robots), and look forward to finishing my other three once school is back in session.  I had forgotten how much I love creating.  It is so therapeutic for me.  I need to make time to do things like this more often.

May also looked like this...(part 2)

Left to Right; Top to bottom:

-Todd flew to Denver for a training. He was able to fly out from our local airport, so Justin and I got to watch him walk onto the plane, and then we watched it take off. Thankfully he came home the day before several tornadoes touched down in Denver!

-While Todd was gone, I got to take the kids to Stake Conference by myself.  I took this picture as we were walking home.

-Tired boys!  

- I have been quilting full-time this month. I had ten quilts to finish in just over three weeks.  I leave the "tweens" in charge of Justin, and one time when I came in the house I found him wearing underwear, and a box.  The next day, I found him wearing his shirt inside out and backwards.  The look on his face is a good reminder that little kids need their mama!  After this week I can relax...

- Todd's secretary gave us a gift card to a local specialty doughnut shop, and we finally used it to celebrate the last day of school.  We had S'mores, Creamsicle, Blueberry, French Toast, and Lemonade doughnuts, among others.

- Caleb attended Computer Camp the week after school got out.  It was a special class for 7th graders only.  While there, he made a "scratch art" game for Justin, and then came home and made a few more computer games that Justin can play.  

-The last picture is to prove to my Mom that I really do cut their hair every quarter or so, whether it needs it or not.  

Here's a sneak peak of some of the quilting I've been doing.  The quilts will be published, so I can't show much.  Justin loves the fact that Spiderman keeps sending me quilts.

We are slowly getting our basement finished.  We had a flood around Thanksgiving time.  We decided to do the work ourselves so we could save some money and finally replace our false ceilings.  Had we known that after the holidays we'd have two miscarriages back to back, and then company for 5 weekends in a row, we probably would have just paid someone to do it.  It's taking forever!  Todd finished the texturing in Caleb's room yesterday, and we'll paint tomorrow (after I quilt).  Then we'll move on to the hallway, bathroom, and Dillon's room. 

Oh, and speaking of Todd, he is going to be an adjunct professor this fall, teaching two Family Relations classes.  It will give him a bit of a break from doing therapy all day every day, but still allow him to work in his private practice.

Other things that happened, that I don't have pictures for:

-I was released from being a Webelos leader.  I still teach RS once a month, and I'm still on the funeral committee.

-We sold our travel trailer.  It tugged at our heartstrings, but after sitting in Cache Valley last winter (without being winterized) it needed a new floor (linoleum cracked), and possibly had some plumbing problems.  We knew we wouldn't have time or money to use it this year, so when a man showed up at our door offering to pay cash and take it "as is", we made the quick decision to sell. 

-Caleb won an award at school for being a "hero" and holding the door open for his orchestra class every day.  He got a certificate and a t-shirt, but I failed to get a picture.

-

May looked like this... part one

A friend of mine from Wayne County always used to say that May is every bit as busy as December.  After trying to put together this blog post, I have to agree! There hasn't been a dull moment this month. 

Left to Right, Top to bottom:

-The "fourth" was with me for my birthday this year, as I happened upon a garage sale down the street and snagged a 5' wide electric fireplace for about 1/15th of the original cost.  Our heat pump just doesn't quite do the job for the two months of winter here.  Now we have a fireplace for upstairs and down.

-Brayden and Caleb finished their cooking merit badge by making Taquitos for dinner. It took a lot longer than if I'd done it, but they tasted great!

-Justin got really sick* (food poisoning?) and he and I spent an entire night awake on the livingroom floor.  Poor little guy lost nearly 5 lbs. overnight.  It took him a few days to recover, but he's back to his usual crazy self.

-In the center pic, he is showing me his playdough robot, and to the right, he earned his flashy badge for [finally] pooping in the potty.  We have #1 down pat, but we're still working on #2.

-Caught my crazies in the chair together, and tried to get them to hold still long enough for a picture...

-End of school activities included Brayden and Caleb's orchestra concert (not pictured), and Dillon's Art night.  His elephant was one of two that were displayed in a frame.

* Let me clarify, that Justin's sickness had nothing to do with his brothers' taquitos :o)

I can't help but take pictures of the garden growing.  It's so magical to me.  I think I lack faith that things will really grow from that little seed, so when they do, I get pretty excited.

Left to Right; Top to bottom:
Blossoms on our brand new apple tree, strawberry harvest, first tomato, new pomegranate tree, polka dot plant, first bloom on our trumpet vine, Corn!, planter box, and Todd planting my Mothers Day roses (late at night).

April looked like this...

We haven't had a dull moment in April. It started with sickness, ended with sickness, and we had company every weekend in between.

Top to bottom; left to right:

-Justin was sick during the first week of April.  I finally took him to the pediatrician after 4 days of fever, just to be told it was a virus.  He started to perk up on the drive home.  Todd got the same "bug" which caused a sinus infection.

-Caleb turned twelve!  We went to the Aquatic Center with cousins to celebrate.  He is busy with student council, orchestra (violin), 4-H (computer coding), and Scouts.

-Michael and Becky came to visit for Conference Weekend (Todd's brother and fam).  The boys loved playing with their girl cousins, especially 7 mos old Caitlyn.

-Caleb took good notes during Conference with his new Kindle, and when we played Conference Jeapardy a week later, he nearly beat me!

-While Pres. Monson was talking about treating our family with kindness, we had some serious brotherly love goin' on.

-Dillon participated in his school track meet, and Justin and I watched all his events without getting sunburned.

-Grandpa came to visit and got our yard whipped into shape.  I wish I had a recording of the moment we drove up to the nursery...he giggled.

-Grandpa made us an herb garden out of a kiwi crate from the grocery store.  He also planted corn, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, peas, beets, lettuce, beans, peppers, carrots, onions, zucchini, an apple tree, a pomegranate tree, a canna lily, a wheelbarrow full of succulents, a trumpet vine, and four pots of flowers. While he did all that, I made breakfast.

-Caleb was ordained a deacon, and passed the sacrament for the first time.

-Four generations.  Grandma Great came down with Grandpa and we loved having her here (my mom was  helping my sister who just had baby #4).  Grandma's only brother lives around the corner from us, so she got to see him as well.

-Todd and I saw Vince Gill and Amy Grant at Tuacahn, and loved it.  I'm pretty sure we were the youngest couple there, but we didn't care.

-Todd spoke at a Relief Society meeting for another ward, and thanks to my mother-in-law watching the kids, I got to attend.  I loved catching a glimpse of what he does for a living.  So much of his job is confidential that I never really get to see him in action.  This was as close as it gets, and I loved every minute.

-My sis-in-law, Carrie, and her two boys stayed with us on their way to Cache Valley.  Gabriel and Justin are the same age and had a great time playing together.  This fuzzy pic is the best I could get of two active three-year olds.

-We dyed easter eggs out on the patio, just as the sun set.  I like to do the "fluffy" stuff on Saturday, but we were so busy working in the yard that we ended up doing our easter egg hunt on Sunday. It was warm enough that the chocolate in our plastic eggs melted.  Next year we'll have to do a glow-in-the dark hunt on Saturday night.

-The kids came home from church and changed before I got a family picture, but Todd was kind enough to oblige.

-For Easter break we decided to stay local.  We toured the Jacob Hamblin home, and the Brigham Young summer home.  We planned to tour the tabernacle, but Justin had had enough.  We ate "linner" at the Black Bear Diner, and Caleb ordered the biggest "bowl" of Chili we'd ever seen.

-This is a salad I made for Todd to take to work one day. He still has to be pretty careful about what he eats ever since we started our anti-inflammatory diet, but it's getting easier.

-I got a lamp post at DI for $15, and Todd had to run electricity from my quilting studio, under a sidewalk, under rocks, and through a cinderblock wall to light it.  He put it on a timer so it turns itself on and off at night.  I love it!  The only time we play outside in the summer is after dark, so I'm excited to have light next to our sand box.

-This picture is of Justin with a breadstick from the Pizza Factory.  Todd and I had a lunch date there, and he was our third wheel.

-We are deep in the throes of potty-training.  I continued my tradition of waiting way too long in the hopes that it will go faster.  So far, it hasn't been too bad. Every time Justin uses the "potty", he gets to put a fish sticker on his ocean chart.  He has given each fish a name...one for each family member, grandmas and grandpa, and now he's adding cousins.

Not Pictured:

-Our friends Cami and Travis stopped by on their way to CA, and we loved seeing them again. They left me with a quilt for their baby (due in July), and I quilted it during the week so they could pick it up on their way back through.

-Grandma left to go back to Washington after spending six months here in an RV park.  I still can't figure out where the time went. We have had a crazy few months!

-My Uncle Wayne and Aunt Anita were kind enough to pull our trailer back from Cache Valley (it's been there since last Summer because Todd's brother was living in it). They rounded out our 4th week of visitors.

-Todd took the older two boys on a scout camp out where it rained and was windy all night long.  I stayed home with the younger two boys, and ended up with a fever from my sinus infection. Brayden came home coughing after a night in a wet sleepping bag, and since then, everyone else has gotten sick.  Dillon has a croupy cough, Brayden has missed two days of school, and now Todd (who had just recovered from his sinus infection) has a fever.

Miscarriage #6

I'm afraid I've waited too long to post this, but I want to get some thoughts down since this blog is the closest thing I have to a journal.

Warning: If you are male, there may be too much information and you may want to skip this post.

 I found out on Valentines Day that I was pregnant again.  I cried most of the day because I didn't feel emotionally ready to deal with another pregnancy.  This time, however, I started feeling sick and that always gives me reassurance. I was hopeful that things would be different this time. 

I read online that as your hcg level goes up, the tests will get darker and appear faster, so I conducted my own little science experiment to see if my hcg levels were rising...and they were.

Because of my history, I have to take progesterone as soon as I find out I'm pregnant, so I usually have to call a doctor right away, but this time I already had a supply because of my pregnancy the month before.  I started taking it, and decided that I wouldn't call a doctor until I made it past 6 weeks.

Six weeks came, and I was still feeling sick, so I called the doctor, and he ordered hcg blood tests and an early ultrasound.  I had the first test, and the number was low, but barely in the normal range.  A few days later, when the second test came in with a lower number than the first, we knew that the pregnancy was not viable.  I got the test results an hour before the pinewood derby, and managed to pull myself together enough to watch Dillon, and race my pink car.

We had planned a family getaway for Spring Break that weekend, and already had our hotel reservations, so we went ahead with our plans and I hoped that the miscarriage would "wait" until we got home from our vacation.  The doctor said he could give me some medication that would help "speed things up" when I got home, and I had every intention of taking it so I could "move on" as soon as possible.

The day after we got home, I had to have another blood test to check my levels, and this time they were "hovering".  Apparently after a week they should have dropped significantly.  Because of this, the doctor suspected that the pregnancy was ectopic.  I went in the next day for an ultrasound and found out that it was in my right tube.  I had two shots of a cancer drug (in my bum) to help "dissolve" the pregnancy and hopefully avoid surgery.

The drug made me nauseated, and I pretty much stayed in bed for a week.  The bleeding and cramping began and was much worse than my previous miscarriages.  I don't think I've ever felt so alone as I did that week.  Just when I thought I knew everything there was to know about having a miscarriage, I was blindsided...and humbled.  With all of my others, I felt a huge outpouring of the spirit.  Even though I was devastated, I could feel Heavenly Father's love so strong.  This time...I did not.  And I didn't understand.

I started to feel guilty.  I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but I just couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling His love.  I felt darkness.  Evil.  I started to wonder if I was spiraling into some horrible post-partum psychosis.  I prayed and prayed and felt nothing.  I tried to describe how I felt to Todd, but there weren't words.  The only word I could come up with was guilt.

I finally asked Todd for a blessing, and to my surprise, in that blessing he described EXACTLY how I felt. Using words that even I couldn't find, he (or rather He) described how I was feeling.  I knew, without a doubt, that Heavenly Father was aware of me.  He (and the Savior) knew exactly what I was feeling.  I still couldn't understand why I didn't feel that outpouring of love, but I knew that I was not alone.

It took a few days, but when I was able to look back on the experience, I felt strongly that there was some reason that I needed to feel "alone".  I needed to use it as a learning experience.  I still don't understand it completely, but it has made me want to be more aware of the spirit and sensitive to any promptings I might have to help someone.  I also learned that even when we have experienced something several times, we still never truly know how someone else is feeling.

I was upset at losing another pregnancy, but also annoyed to be going through this again...so soon.  I just wanted it to all be over so I could move on.

Queue the lesson on patience.

This has truly been the miscarriage that never ends.  The bleeding and cramping lasted for weeks.  And just when I thought it was over, it would start again.

After spending a week in bed (after a week of Spring Break and vacation), things in the house were starting to fall apart.  My fridge was full of moldy, rotting food, and it was time to do something about it.

I took everything off the shelves, filled an entire garbage can with old food and produce gone bad, and piled everything that was still okay on my counter.  Just as I was ready to wipe down the shelves (oh, they were bad), I felt a "gush" and ran to the bathroom leaving the fridge open.

The cramping started again, and I burst into tears because I was afraid I might be hemhorraging, and I was overwhelmed with my fridge project.  I walked back into the kitchen to try to figure out what to do with the mess, and discovered my sweet Justin carefully putting the food from the counter back in the fridge.

It was such a sweet, tender mercy...to know that Heavenly Father could help my three year old know what to do, to let his mama know that she was loved.  

Incidentally my visiting teacher, who had already talked to me that morning while I was feeling fine, called back in the afternoon to see if I was okay.  I told her what had happened and that I was back in bed, and she promptly brought dinner for the second time that week.

It has been 7 weeks now, and I am waiting for my test results from today's blood draw to see if the hcg is finally out of my system (which would mean that the pregnancy has completely dissolved or passed).  I decided that I needed to wait until my hormones had settled down before I could attempt to make any kind of decision about whether or not we are "done" having kids.  It's a question I have struggled with for a long time, and don't have an answer yet, but I trust that the answer will come.  I am still learning the "language of the Spirit", and appreciated Sister Linda K. Burton's talk that came at a time when I needed it.  I would highly recommend watching it.

Thank you for all your love and prayers.  I asked on facebook if any of my friends had experienced an ectopic pregnancy, because I needed to talk.  Five friends responded, and chatted with me, and all five of them lost a tube.  I guess I am lucky that the pregnancy ended early.

March looked like this...

Top to Bottom; Left to right:

- Dillon turned nine!  He invited a friend to go swimming with our family for his birthday activity. He has started piano lessons, and moved in to the Bear group in Cub Scouts.

- We participated in [yet another] pinewood derby.  Dillon's Seahawk's car took first place in his age group.

- My derby car was pink and glittery and had a W.R.A.P (white ribbon against pornography) on the bumper. It also took first place in the family division, which Todd was proud of because he had to hollow out the entire inside to make it light enough to compete.  I only cared about the glitter paint and the bow.

- I got pregnant right after my last miscarriage (found out on Valentine's Day), and then found out an hour before the pinewood derby that I was going to have another miscarriage.  Dr. was monitoring my hcg level, and when it started to go down, we knew it wasn't a viable pregnancy. It was a rough few weeks, but Justin took good care of me.

-For Spring Break, we had planned a getaway to Las Vegas.  We chose a hotel with an amazing pool and a full kitchen, and had a great time relaxing as a family.  I was waiting to miscarry, so it was a good distraction.

-While in Vegas, we drove to the temple grounds and talked to the kids about how there is good and evil anywhere you go in the world, and you can find what you are looking for. They refused to go to the Strip, which was fine.  When we left town I asked them if they felt like they had just spent three days in "Sin City", and they said no.  It was a good experience for them.

-The hotel also had a game room, where we played checkers, pool, and air hockey.

-We also visited to Red Rock State Park.  It was beautiful, but not the kind of red rocks we are used to!

- On the way home, we got caught in a line-up of cars that were backed up because of an accident and a vehicle fire.  We finally pulled off at a gas station when we had less than a quarter of a tank, and the station was out of gas!  We had to get back on the freeway going the other direction and backtrack to get gas.

- After our vacation we found out that our pregnancy was ectopic.  I had to have two shots of a cancer drug to "dissolve" the pregnancy, and go to the lab for weekly blood tests to make sure the pregnancy completely dissolves.  As of right now, my hcg level is still at 37.  I go in tomorrow, and hope it is down to zero.

- As soon as I was feeling up to it, I took the house by storm, and cleaned out several closets and rooms.  I still have plenty to do, but it felt good to de-junk and "lighten up".

- Silly Justin can always make me smile :o)

- We came home from church one Sunday and found that a wind gust had knocked my beloved crabapple tree into our house, and broken our main water line.  Within minutes, our home teachers showed up for a scheduled appointment.  They helped us get the water shut off, then went home to change, and returned with shovels and extra help. Within three hours we had the hole dug, the branches cut, the stump pulled, and  the water line fixed.  It was all because of people doing their callings.  I feel very blessed by how it all turned out, although I miss my tree :o(

- Dillon made a bat/desert diorama for school.  He learned about hot glue the hard way, but he did a great job on his project.

Todd is 40!

My amazing husband is turning 40 tomorrow, so I put together a little slide show/tribute for him.  The songs I chose are two songs that he listens to almost every single day.  Usually on the way home from work, or sometimes in the morning while he's in the shower, but he has made them a part of his daily life for several years now.  He truly lives the words of these songs, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

Happy Birthday, Todd.  I love you. Thank you for you.

February looked like this

Top to bottom, left to right:

- Todd's before and after pics.  Awesome.  I'm so proud of him.  He's lost 45 lbs since July of last year.  I need to find a good "before" of myself, and then have someone take an after.  I'm always the one behind the camera!

- Caleb had to dress up as Walt Disney for his wax museum at school.  He read a biography, wrote a summary, and memorized his part.  On the day of the presentation, the parents attended the "museum" and pressed a "button" on the floor to make the "figures" come to life. He did a great job!

-Todd helped my Webelos make pinewood derby car stands.  They loved working with him!  Perhaps it was no coincidence that a week later he was called to be the 11 yr. old scout leader.  When he stood in church as his name was read, one of the boys shouted, "yay" from the back of the overflow. Several of my boys will move into his group within the next two months.

-We went to "Hee-Haw" at the RV park where Grandma lives during the winter.  It is always fun, and the jokes they tell keep you in stitches.  Grandma sang tenor and looks like a rose among thorns in this picture!

-Valentines day was interesting.  Dillon is the only child who got to trade valentines at school.  Brayden and Caleb are too old, and Justin too young.  Luckily mom sent them all chocolate and bubble gum, and I made heart shaped pancakes for breakfast.  I think they felt loved :o). Todd still can't have a lot of foods, so I gave him some organic frozen fruit for his smoothie. We had planned to go to the temple for a date, but I wasn't feeling well so we stayed home.

-My college roommate, Melanie, stopped by with her family while they were on vacation.  It was so good to see them.  Friends are good for the soul.  I wish we lived closer, but I am thankful for internet that makes it so easy to keep in touch.  She's one of those people who I can go months without talking to, and then we pick up right where we left off.

-The following weekend, I got together with another good friend from college, Becca, and another roommate, Stephanie, who also lives here in town. It was so fun to catch up over dinner!  After we took a picture together, I went home and dug up a picture of us on our graduation day.  Can't believe it's been 15 years!  (Becca is single, beautiful, and has a master's degree.  If any of you know of any great single LDS men age 35-40 who are looking for an amazing girl, let me know and we can try to hook them up :o). She is on the bottom left).

- Most weekends, at least in the spring, we see hot air balloons in the air near our house.  I love it.  It always makes me smile.  A couple weeks ago I pulled into the gym and ended up late for my aqua zumba class because I had to watch this thing land.  Justin also loves the "bee-yoons".

-On Presidents Day, we went to Valley of Fire State Park. The boys were in heaven and loved climbing the rocks and playing in the sand. I'll be posting more pics from this little excursion.

-Justin became obsessed with Sharpies.  He's written all over his hands, and all over the computer screen...twice.  I try really hard to keep them out of his reach, but apparently I missed one...twice. For any of you who may not know the secret: Baby Wipes will take sharpie right off.  It makes me wonder what I've been wiping my kids' bums with all these years...

-We went to see the Lego Movie, and yes, I am still singing "Everything is Awesome".  The boys loved it.

-Our printer and Windows 8 decided they were no longer friends, and refused to speak to each other.  I had to hand trace a picture of a quilt on my computer screen in order to practice quilting designs on paper.  How did we ever get along without technology?  Thankfully, we got a new printer who is more tolerant of Windows 8.  Have I mentioned how much I hate Windows 8?  It's my new catch phrase. I hate windows 8.  It even rhymes.

-The boys discovered that the hose reaches the sandbox, and have had all kinds of fun with that.  I have to wipe the sand out of my washing machine after every load.

-For Christmas we got tickets for the older two boys, and Grandma, to join us at a Glenn Miller Orchestra performance last night.  We had a great time, and afterwards we ran into my Great Uncle Mark, and Aunt Joan.  They only live a few blocks away from us, but they are in a different ward and we rarely see them.

I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart

Do you remember that song, by Reba McIntyre?  I finally looked it up and listened to it today.  It doesn't really apply, but that one line has been going through my head for days:  "I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart".

Before I had kids, when I suffered a miscarriage, I took time off at work, cried, watched movies, and just kind of "checked out" for a few days.

That hasn't really been an option this time.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I've rested (and retreated/crawled in bed to hide) plenty, and Todd and the boys have stepped up and done chores and cooked meals...but there's still so much that I have to stay "present" for.

I've helped to build a cell model, finish a book report on Tom Sawyer, and shuttle kids back and forth to 4-H, Scouts, Piano lessons, and Joy School.  I've driven to the clinic three times for blood work to determine that yes I was pregnant and did, in fact, miscarry.

Something new this time around, was that I had downloaded a couple of pregnancy apps, so when I got emails and notifications about my pregnancy, after the fact, it was a painful reminder that I've never dealt with in the past.

I've been surprised at how hard it has been to "move on".  You'd think I would have learned this by now! Getting back to my routine feels weird.  It's as if I'm trying to pretend that nothing happened, when something did happen! I feel like a completely different person than I was last week at this time.  Besides the obvious hormones, life is softer...more fragile.  I can't even listen to the same music.  I am more in tune with my children and their needs.  My priorities are different.  My prayers are more focused. My heart is tender and swollen.

I found this quote that says, "When a baby is born, it's a mother's instinct to protect the baby.  When a baby dies, it's the mother's instinct to protect their memory."

Maybe that's why it's so hard to move on.  My whole world has changed, and all I have to show for it is a fuzzy picture, taken on my iphone, of that positive test*.

I'm not sure what to do to "protect the memory" but in the past I have made scrapbook pages, blog posts, etc. I don't know why it helps, but it does.  I now have nine "prints" on my heart, and even if the world moves on, a mother doesn't forget.  

And yet, I know that I need to move on.  I have four children who need me, and a resolve to "not shrink". I also have a stellar husband who needs [and deserves] to have me to carry on.  I am so grateful for his patience and help. He knew just what to do...and when.  From priesthood blessings, to holding me while I cried, to fixing dinner after a long day of work, and taking me to the temple--he has been my rock this week. 

Today I took my first big step "back to reality" by signing up for a gym membership. Tomorrow I'm planning to "attack" my kitchen and organize the cupboards and pantry. Everything's better when the kitchen is clean! 

Thank you for all the kind thoughts, calls, texts, comments, and messages. It means more than you know.

*And a maternity swimsuit.  I've had four kids and never owned a maternity swimsuit, but we go to the pool a lot here, and with a trip to the Oregon Coast planned for this summer, I figured it would be a necessity and took advantage of a clearance sale on last year's suits. If anyone needs a maternity suit this summer, I'd be happy to pass it along :o)

I'm learning...

My friend, Rachel, posted this on facebook.  Thank you, Rachel, for leading me to this talk right when I needed it.

It turns out that my pregnancy is not meant to be.

You'd think by now I'd be used to this, but it still hurts.

I wanted this baby. When I found out I was pregnant I instantly changed all the big plans I had for this year. I worried, but I always worry.  I also tried to have faith, and hope.

I am so grateful for the friends and family who texted back and forth with me when I shared my happy news and needed to talk. That's how I work through things.  Some might wonder why, after several miscarraiges, I don't wait longer to share my news.  For me, it is almost an act of faith.  It helps me to overcome the worry if I talk about it, think positively, and make plans.  In 2008, while I was in the midst of another miscarriage, Pres. Uchtdorf gave a talk on the infinite power of hope.  I gained a testimony of hope, and believe it is just as important as faith.

Even when things don't go the way I planned, I still have hope.  Hope in my Savior, who suffered all things. Hope that one day I will understand the heartache and trials.

In 1997, Elder Neal A. Maxwell visited BYU-I (I was there!).  Elder Bednar asked Elder Maxwell what he had learned through his struggle with cancer that year.  His answer was, "I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving".

In his October 1997 conference address, Elder Maxwell taught: "As we confront our own...trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we 'might not shrink'--meaning to retreat or recoil. Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus".

Elder Bednar shared a quote from Orson F. Whitney: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.  It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire".

Elder Bednar then shared the story of a young couple he knew, who came to him seeking a blessing when after only three weeks of marriage, the husband was diagnosed with cancer.  Elder Bednar asked him, "Do you have the faith to not be healed?" Or in other words, do you have the faith to accept His will if it is contrary to your own.

Today I find myself in a similar place.  Needing to "overcome, through the Atonement of Christ, the 'natural man' tendency to demand impatiently and insist incessantly" on the blessing I want.

"Strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives--even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted."

Elder Bednar continues with the story of this couple, who overcame cancer only to have it return a few years later.  The man couldn't understand why this was happening to him again, and found his answer in the New Testament.

It so closely mirrors my feelings that I'm going to re-write it, changing a few things to pertain to my own situation:

I read the account of Christ and His Apostles on the sea when a tempest arose. Fearing the boat would capsize, the disciples went to the Savior and asked, 'Master, carest thou not that we perish?'

This is exactly how I feel!  "Carest thou not that I've already had four miscarriages and learned from them? Carest thou not that I really want this baby?"  But as I read on in the story, I found my answer. The Lord looked at them an said, "O ye of little faith," and He stretched forth His hand and calmed the waters.

And so I, like this man, ask myself, "Do I really believe this?" Do I really believe that He calmed the waters that day? Or is it just a nice story?  The answer is: I do believe, and because I know He calmed the waters, I know He could save my baby.

Until now, I have had a hard time reconciling the need for my faith in Christ with the inevitability of His will. It seems they sometimes contradict one another. Why should I have faith if His will ultimately will prevail?

I have learned that in this situation, having faith [or hope] does not mean that He would save my baby, but that He could save my baby. I had to believe that He could, and then whether it happened was up to Him.

I believe that allowing these two ideas to co-exist--focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will--will bring comfort and peace in trials.

With my first miscarraige I learned that the Atonement was for all sorrow, not just for sin.  With my third I learned about the power of hope.  And now, with number five, I pray that I will not shrink.  That I will drink the bitter cup, without becoming bitter. That I will count my blessings and be grateful that I have had four successful pregnancies, and focus my attention on them...with an eye single to the glory of God.

It hurts. A lot. But I trust in Him.

Stewing

I've been "stewing" this week.
I looked up the definition of stewing, and this is what it said:

"to be in a state of suppressed agitation, or worry."

Yep. That's me.  That girl up there? Me. So this post is an attempt to "un-suppress" my thoughts, and [hopefully] laugh at myself.

Honestly, things at our house right now are good...no, great.  I feel so blessed.  My problems are definitely "first world problems", but still I stew.

Do I spend enough time with my kids?

How much "help" do I give with homework, and at what point is it more helpful to let them "fail" and learn an important lesson for themselves?

How do I find the balance between having my house clean enough, without being an obsessive nag?

Why did I just find 18 socks under the stairs, and how come none of them have mates?

Is it worth planting zucchini, when I know it will be eaten by squash bugs, and the pesticide costs $30? For $30 I can buy a lot of organic zucchini.

How do I protect my boys from pornography?

Is _______ a need or a want?

How and where do I even begin to organize my photos, and will I ever get them printed in a book for my kids to enjoy?

To join the gym, or not join the gym? I miss it...a lot. I never dreamed I'd say that out loud. It's too hot to walk outside in July, but the gym is expensive, and requires a lengthy membership agreement.

What kind of girls will my boys marry?  Will they be willing to put family first?

What color of paint should I get to finish the basement?  Should I get a 5 gallon bucket of one color, or let the boys help pick the paint for their rooms? Should we put in the new bathroom floor ourselves, or hire someone to do it? Should I take down the wallpaper in Caleb's room, or wallpaper over it?

How do I bridge the gap between my insanely "clean" 6 month diet program that just ended, to living a healthy lifestyle in moderation. I want more like an 80/20 thing, where I eat clean 80% of the time, but I can still take my kids out for ice cream after their orchestra concert, or eat at the ward party, or have someone bring me dinner without getting sick.

What is going to happen in the next episode of Heartland and how on earth will I wait that long to find out?

Will my washing machine make it through the next load?

What should we do to celebrate Todd's upcoming 40th birthday?

And my biggest worry of all:

How am I going to arrange five portraits on my wall?
And what will it be like to have four kids in four different schools--all starting and ending at different times--along with a nursing baby?  What if I miscarry...again. Why am I not feeling sick?  Is it because I am healthier this time around, or because something is wrong? Should I post about it on my blog? Or stew about it in silence? Who will share rooms? How will I hold it together when one baby is starting kindergarten, and another is leaving on a mission? Am I too old to do this again? Am I destined to spend 25 years of my life tying knots, building catapults, and going to pack meetings?

Oh, how I want this baby that I didn't even know about two weeks ago...

California Family Pictures

I just realized I never posted our family pics from Newport Beach.

As with most extended family pics, this one is already outdated. 

My brother and his wife have had a baby (boy) since then, and my sister is now due in April.

So many boys! Good thing my sister has provided a couple (almost three) nieces :o)

Love my boys! 

This is my favorite pic of the day.  "The original six".  

December

December looked like this:

In December:

-We decorated for Christmas, and by we, I mean "I".  

-Lost 39.9 lbs. Still haven't made it to 40.  Todd has lost 45!

-Took a last minute quilt for a friend whose husband is a firefighter/paramedic.  It was fun to pull this off for her.

-We got A LOT of snow.  More pics below.

-Dillon got a special award at school for being a good example.  Way to go Dillon!

-We attended Brayden and Caleb's orchestra concert

-It got cold. I had to scrape my car windows. It wasn't pretty.

-We saw the live Nativity at Tuacahn

-Justin sat on Santa's lap and asked for a "rainbow present"

-I Put the tree in a pot, and it only fell down twice. The kids tree was really endearing, and Justin especially loved the rainbow lights.

-I discovered a new painting of my 4th great-grandmother, Drusilla Doris Hendricks.  I got one for my parents, and one for myself (mine should be here this week...I can't wait!)

Our six inches of snow was the most our city has seen in a long time--I've heard everything from 75-150 years.  It will suffice to say that it was a once-in-a-lifetime storm, and we took advantage of it.  Church was cancelled, and we spent the day playing in the powder.

Christmas came and went, and we were spoiled rotten as usual.  There was a moment of panic when I ran out of scotch tape at 12:28 AM and there were still more presents to wrap, but Todd came to the rescue when he found an old box of office supplies in the garage.

We played hard, relaxed our day away, and then Todd continued to work on his gift to me.  He is building me a base for the hutch I bought at DI last year.  It will go in my quilting studio and I'll use it to store fabric.  It's almost finished, but we can't paint it until we get some of the work in our basement done.  We need the garage space to cut drywall.  So...I'll post more pics when we get it done.

Somehow Grandma escaped all the pictures, but we loved having Todd's mom with us for the day.  Now that she lives here for six months out of the year, we get to spend more time with her and we love having her close by.  She has been very supportive of our crazy diet, and for Christmas dinner we had fresh salmon, green beans, and baked sweet potatoes. Yum!

November

November looked like this:

In November:

-I went to Time Out for Women with my favorite Mother-in-law
-Continued working out at the gym
-Made another maxi skirt, finished a super saturday project (necklace) and reached -35 lbs!
-Leaves, leaves, and more leaves
-packages started to arrive
-Our basement flooded just before Thanksgiving.  Now that the holidays are over, we'll be working hard to get it repaired.  We'll do some of it ourselves, and hire out some of it.
-Justin woke up every day asking for his "sword fight pants".
-Organized the computer area
-Went to Cache Valley for Thanksgiving.  Arrived late and tired and discovered that my siblings, Mom, and I were all wearing green.  Tyler had gone home by the time we took the picture, but he had on a green sweater.  Our families were super supportive of our crazy diet and went above and beyond to make sure we had food to eat.
-Todd's brother, Aaron, and family moved to Cache Valley, so we now get to see almost all our siblings when we make that trip.
-All four kids slept on the way home, while I worked hard on the Christmas gift I'm preparing for my siblings...which is now going to be a belated gift, but I'm determined to get it done, and when I do I'll share it with all of you as well.