I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart

Do you remember that song, by Reba McIntyre?  I finally looked it up and listened to it today.  It doesn't really apply, but that one line has been going through my head for days:  "I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart".

Before I had kids, when I suffered a miscarriage, I took time off at work, cried, watched movies, and just kind of "checked out" for a few days.

That hasn't really been an option this time.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I've rested (and retreated/crawled in bed to hide) plenty, and Todd and the boys have stepped up and done chores and cooked meals...but there's still so much that I have to stay "present" for.

I've helped to build a cell model, finish a book report on Tom Sawyer, and shuttle kids back and forth to 4-H, Scouts, Piano lessons, and Joy School.  I've driven to the clinic three times for blood work to determine that yes I was pregnant and did, in fact, miscarry.

Something new this time around, was that I had downloaded a couple of pregnancy apps, so when I got emails and notifications about my pregnancy, after the fact, it was a painful reminder that I've never dealt with in the past.

I've been surprised at how hard it has been to "move on".  You'd think I would have learned this by now! Getting back to my routine feels weird.  It's as if I'm trying to pretend that nothing happened, when something did happen! I feel like a completely different person than I was last week at this time.  Besides the obvious hormones, life is softer...more fragile.  I can't even listen to the same music.  I am more in tune with my children and their needs.  My priorities are different.  My prayers are more focused. My heart is tender and swollen.

I found this quote that says, "When a baby is born, it's a mother's instinct to protect the baby.  When a baby dies, it's the mother's instinct to protect their memory."

Maybe that's why it's so hard to move on.  My whole world has changed, and all I have to show for it is a fuzzy picture, taken on my iphone, of that positive test*.

I'm not sure what to do to "protect the memory" but in the past I have made scrapbook pages, blog posts, etc. I don't know why it helps, but it does.  I now have nine "prints" on my heart, and even if the world moves on, a mother doesn't forget.  

And yet, I know that I need to move on.  I have four children who need me, and a resolve to "not shrink". I also have a stellar husband who needs [and deserves] to have me to carry on.  I am so grateful for his patience and help. He knew just what to do...and when.  From priesthood blessings, to holding me while I cried, to fixing dinner after a long day of work, and taking me to the temple--he has been my rock this week. 

Today I took my first big step "back to reality" by signing up for a gym membership. Tomorrow I'm planning to "attack" my kitchen and organize the cupboards and pantry. Everything's better when the kitchen is clean! 

Thank you for all the kind thoughts, calls, texts, comments, and messages. It means more than you know.

*And a maternity swimsuit.  I've had four kids and never owned a maternity swimsuit, but we go to the pool a lot here, and with a trip to the Oregon Coast planned for this summer, I figured it would be a necessity and took advantage of a clearance sale on last year's suits. If anyone needs a maternity suit this summer, I'd be happy to pass it along :o)

I'm learning...

My friend, Rachel, posted this on facebook.  Thank you, Rachel, for leading me to this talk right when I needed it.

It turns out that my pregnancy is not meant to be.

You'd think by now I'd be used to this, but it still hurts.

I wanted this baby. When I found out I was pregnant I instantly changed all the big plans I had for this year. I worried, but I always worry.  I also tried to have faith, and hope.

I am so grateful for the friends and family who texted back and forth with me when I shared my happy news and needed to talk. That's how I work through things.  Some might wonder why, after several miscarraiges, I don't wait longer to share my news.  For me, it is almost an act of faith.  It helps me to overcome the worry if I talk about it, think positively, and make plans.  In 2008, while I was in the midst of another miscarriage, Pres. Uchtdorf gave a talk on the infinite power of hope.  I gained a testimony of hope, and believe it is just as important as faith.

Even when things don't go the way I planned, I still have hope.  Hope in my Savior, who suffered all things. Hope that one day I will understand the heartache and trials.

In 1997, Elder Neal A. Maxwell visited BYU-I (I was there!).  Elder Bednar asked Elder Maxwell what he had learned through his struggle with cancer that year.  His answer was, "I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving".

In his October 1997 conference address, Elder Maxwell taught: "As we confront our own...trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we 'might not shrink'--meaning to retreat or recoil. Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus".

Elder Bednar shared a quote from Orson F. Whitney: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.  It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire".

Elder Bednar then shared the story of a young couple he knew, who came to him seeking a blessing when after only three weeks of marriage, the husband was diagnosed with cancer.  Elder Bednar asked him, "Do you have the faith to not be healed?" Or in other words, do you have the faith to accept His will if it is contrary to your own.

Today I find myself in a similar place.  Needing to "overcome, through the Atonement of Christ, the 'natural man' tendency to demand impatiently and insist incessantly" on the blessing I want.

"Strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives--even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted."

Elder Bednar continues with the story of this couple, who overcame cancer only to have it return a few years later.  The man couldn't understand why this was happening to him again, and found his answer in the New Testament.

It so closely mirrors my feelings that I'm going to re-write it, changing a few things to pertain to my own situation:

I read the account of Christ and His Apostles on the sea when a tempest arose. Fearing the boat would capsize, the disciples went to the Savior and asked, 'Master, carest thou not that we perish?'

This is exactly how I feel!  "Carest thou not that I've already had four miscarriages and learned from them? Carest thou not that I really want this baby?"  But as I read on in the story, I found my answer. The Lord looked at them an said, "O ye of little faith," and He stretched forth His hand and calmed the waters.

And so I, like this man, ask myself, "Do I really believe this?" Do I really believe that He calmed the waters that day? Or is it just a nice story?  The answer is: I do believe, and because I know He calmed the waters, I know He could save my baby.

Until now, I have had a hard time reconciling the need for my faith in Christ with the inevitability of His will. It seems they sometimes contradict one another. Why should I have faith if His will ultimately will prevail?

I have learned that in this situation, having faith [or hope] does not mean that He would save my baby, but that He could save my baby. I had to believe that He could, and then whether it happened was up to Him.

I believe that allowing these two ideas to co-exist--focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will--will bring comfort and peace in trials.

With my first miscarraige I learned that the Atonement was for all sorrow, not just for sin.  With my third I learned about the power of hope.  And now, with number five, I pray that I will not shrink.  That I will drink the bitter cup, without becoming bitter. That I will count my blessings and be grateful that I have had four successful pregnancies, and focus my attention on them...with an eye single to the glory of God.

It hurts. A lot. But I trust in Him.

Stewing

I've been "stewing" this week.
I looked up the definition of stewing, and this is what it said:

"to be in a state of suppressed agitation, or worry."

Yep. That's me.  That girl up there? Me. So this post is an attempt to "un-suppress" my thoughts, and [hopefully] laugh at myself.

Honestly, things at our house right now are good...no, great.  I feel so blessed.  My problems are definitely "first world problems", but still I stew.

Do I spend enough time with my kids?

How much "help" do I give with homework, and at what point is it more helpful to let them "fail" and learn an important lesson for themselves?

How do I find the balance between having my house clean enough, without being an obsessive nag?

Why did I just find 18 socks under the stairs, and how come none of them have mates?

Is it worth planting zucchini, when I know it will be eaten by squash bugs, and the pesticide costs $30? For $30 I can buy a lot of organic zucchini.

How do I protect my boys from pornography?

Is _______ a need or a want?

How and where do I even begin to organize my photos, and will I ever get them printed in a book for my kids to enjoy?

To join the gym, or not join the gym? I miss it...a lot. I never dreamed I'd say that out loud. It's too hot to walk outside in July, but the gym is expensive, and requires a lengthy membership agreement.

What kind of girls will my boys marry?  Will they be willing to put family first?

What color of paint should I get to finish the basement?  Should I get a 5 gallon bucket of one color, or let the boys help pick the paint for their rooms? Should we put in the new bathroom floor ourselves, or hire someone to do it? Should I take down the wallpaper in Caleb's room, or wallpaper over it?

How do I bridge the gap between my insanely "clean" 6 month diet program that just ended, to living a healthy lifestyle in moderation. I want more like an 80/20 thing, where I eat clean 80% of the time, but I can still take my kids out for ice cream after their orchestra concert, or eat at the ward party, or have someone bring me dinner without getting sick.

What is going to happen in the next episode of Heartland and how on earth will I wait that long to find out?

Will my washing machine make it through the next load?

What should we do to celebrate Todd's upcoming 40th birthday?

And my biggest worry of all:

How am I going to arrange five portraits on my wall?
And what will it be like to have four kids in four different schools--all starting and ending at different times--along with a nursing baby?  What if I miscarry...again. Why am I not feeling sick?  Is it because I am healthier this time around, or because something is wrong? Should I post about it on my blog? Or stew about it in silence? Who will share rooms? How will I hold it together when one baby is starting kindergarten, and another is leaving on a mission? Am I too old to do this again? Am I destined to spend 25 years of my life tying knots, building catapults, and going to pack meetings?

Oh, how I want this baby that I didn't even know about two weeks ago...

California Family Pictures

I just realized I never posted our family pics from Newport Beach.

As with most extended family pics, this one is already outdated. 

My brother and his wife have had a baby (boy) since then, and my sister is now due in April.

So many boys! Good thing my sister has provided a couple (almost three) nieces :o)

Love my boys! 

This is my favorite pic of the day.  "The original six".  

December

December looked like this:

In December:

-We decorated for Christmas, and by we, I mean "I".  

-Lost 39.9 lbs. Still haven't made it to 40.  Todd has lost 45!

-Took a last minute quilt for a friend whose husband is a firefighter/paramedic.  It was fun to pull this off for her.

-We got A LOT of snow.  More pics below.

-Dillon got a special award at school for being a good example.  Way to go Dillon!

-We attended Brayden and Caleb's orchestra concert

-It got cold. I had to scrape my car windows. It wasn't pretty.

-We saw the live Nativity at Tuacahn

-Justin sat on Santa's lap and asked for a "rainbow present"

-I Put the tree in a pot, and it only fell down twice. The kids tree was really endearing, and Justin especially loved the rainbow lights.

-I discovered a new painting of my 4th great-grandmother, Drusilla Doris Hendricks.  I got one for my parents, and one for myself (mine should be here this week...I can't wait!)

Our six inches of snow was the most our city has seen in a long time--I've heard everything from 75-150 years.  It will suffice to say that it was a once-in-a-lifetime storm, and we took advantage of it.  Church was cancelled, and we spent the day playing in the powder.

Christmas came and went, and we were spoiled rotten as usual.  There was a moment of panic when I ran out of scotch tape at 12:28 AM and there were still more presents to wrap, but Todd came to the rescue when he found an old box of office supplies in the garage.

We played hard, relaxed our day away, and then Todd continued to work on his gift to me.  He is building me a base for the hutch I bought at DI last year.  It will go in my quilting studio and I'll use it to store fabric.  It's almost finished, but we can't paint it until we get some of the work in our basement done.  We need the garage space to cut drywall.  So...I'll post more pics when we get it done.

Somehow Grandma escaped all the pictures, but we loved having Todd's mom with us for the day.  Now that she lives here for six months out of the year, we get to spend more time with her and we love having her close by.  She has been very supportive of our crazy diet, and for Christmas dinner we had fresh salmon, green beans, and baked sweet potatoes. Yum!

November

November looked like this:

In November:

-I went to Time Out for Women with my favorite Mother-in-law
-Continued working out at the gym
-Made another maxi skirt, finished a super saturday project (necklace) and reached -35 lbs!
-Leaves, leaves, and more leaves
-packages started to arrive
-Our basement flooded just before Thanksgiving.  Now that the holidays are over, we'll be working hard to get it repaired.  We'll do some of it ourselves, and hire out some of it.
-Justin woke up every day asking for his "sword fight pants".
-Organized the computer area
-Went to Cache Valley for Thanksgiving.  Arrived late and tired and discovered that my siblings, Mom, and I were all wearing green.  Tyler had gone home by the time we took the picture, but he had on a green sweater.  Our families were super supportive of our crazy diet and went above and beyond to make sure we had food to eat.
-Todd's brother, Aaron, and family moved to Cache Valley, so we now get to see almost all our siblings when we make that trip.
-All four kids slept on the way home, while I worked hard on the Christmas gift I'm preparing for my siblings...which is now going to be a belated gift, but I'm determined to get it done, and when I do I'll share it with all of you as well.

October

October looked like this:

In October:

-Brayden turned 13!  I secretly planned for weeks to re-do his room for his bday, and when he left for school in the morning on the day before his bday, my friend Stephanie came over and helped me paint.  I had  everything put together by that evening, and the look on his face when he saw it, and read the comics I put on his bulletin board was priceless. He loved it.

-For his bday activity, Brayden chose to go to the corn maze at Staheli Family Farm.  We had a great time, and Justin got to have his picture taken with his hero, Jack Sparrow.

-Spent a lot more time than expected on a General Conference activity board.  It turned out to be worth it, because our kids listened better than they ever have, and when we played Jeapardy a week later I was amazed at how much they retained.

-Hiked the mountain behind my house with my Webelos

-Quilted a quilt for Vanessa and had it sent back the next day.  15+ hours of quilting...

-For fall break we went to Cache Valley.  We spend time with cousins, and remembered Grandpa on the anniversary of his passing.

-Discovered Dillon has a pretty good aim when he practiced shooting at Day Camp

-Hosted the Joy School Halloween party

-Took two kids trick-or-treating, while the older two went to a party. Sniff...

September

September looked like this:

In September:
-the ice cream truck found us
-we continued to eat healthy...lots and LOTS of produce
-the never-ending laundry
-organized the "art closet"
-lost 25 lbs!
-ran into one of my bff's (and former college roommate) who I've lost contact with, at Walmart, and discovered we only live 10 minutes apart.  One of the best days all year!!!
-Let my Webelos scouts use my quilting machine, and then let Dillon try :o)
-Justin got a much needed haircut
-Todd and I each made invites for our callings, and they reflected our personalities :o)
-Justin joined Brayden in his 7th grade child lab
-I finally made a maxi skirt, and actually wore it!

August

August looked like this:

-Justin turned 3, and we saw Planes for his birthday activity
-School registration and shopping
-Caleb started into Student Council and helped get the school ready for the first day.
-While at a dentist cleaning, I discovered Dillon was walking around in shoes with a hole in the bottom.
-Vanessa and her family stopped by on her way home from CA.  It was so good to see them!  My favorite part was watching our kids take off downstairs and carry on playing just like old times.
-We stayed with Kevin and Sarah (also friends from Loa) in Lehi while Todd attended a training.  While we were visiting, the kids discovered water in the sandbox and played in the mud. :o)
-We stopped at Thanksgiving Point and saw the dinosaur museum
-First day of school!

July

July looked like this:

In July:

-We made two trips to Cache Valley, first to visit family, and then we ended up going back two weeks later to take our trailer for Uncle Aaron to live in for a few months.

-We found a chiropractor who specializes in the endocrine system.  Todd and I "sold our souls" and started a six-month anti-inflammatory diet program with the hopes of getting healthy.  We were sick and tired of being sick and tired.  We cut out all sugar, dairy, grain, soy, eggs, tomatoes, and iodized salt.  After three weeks, we started to re-introduce foods...very slowly. Six months later we are off ALL our medications (even my thyroid meds!), we can get through the day without a nap, we feel better than we have in years, and we've lost a total of 85 lbs between us.
 
-It was blazing hot all month.  It only cooled off enough to be bearable during the time we were in Cache Valley (figures).

June

June looked like this:

 In June:
-We bought a summer pass to the aquatic center, and spent a lot of time at the pool
-Todd got a degree from You Tube University and fixed our dryer. Works better than it has in years.
-The weather got hot. Really hot. And it stayed...and stayed.
-We saw Monsters U in 3-D on the day it came out.  First time I've ever seen a movie on the day it came out.
-Todd quit his "day job" and jumped into full time private practice.  It was a risky move, but the pieces fell into place and it felt right.  It took several months to get to "full time" status, but we made it!

Catchin' up

I am completely distraught about the fact that I've missed nearly six months of blogging.  There's no way I can go back and catch up, but for some reason I can't bring myself to start blogging again until I at least make an effort to record some of our adventures.  I decided to make a collage for each month that I've missed, write a few highlights, and call it good.

And then, I have set a resolution to do better. 

And with that, here is what the rest of our vacation looked like:

California Adventures, my brother's graduation from USC, Mormon Battalion Visitors Center, never-ending laundry, and last day of school water fight fun.