Madelyn Joy was born on Friday, May 22 at 7:14 AM. She weighed 8 lbs 1 oz and was 19" long. Her middle name, Joy, came from President Eyring's talk during the General Women's meeting of Conference when he said, "Joy always comes after sorrow." It was just so fitting after our two miscarriages last year. Also, Joy means happiness, and so does Felicia, and I love that our names have the same meaning.
I have learned by experience how to be happy. It is by finding out Heavenly Father's will, and striving to do what He wants...not necessarily what I want. I hope I can teach that to all my kids, but especially to Madelyn. Men are that they might have joy, and according to 2nd Nephi 2:25, joy is "the potential to become like Heavenly Father". It is only by making our will in line with His that we can truly find happiness.
Overall my pregnancy has gone well, aside from the usual morning sickness and aches and pains. I didn't have low blood platelets or thyroid problems like I did when I was pregnant with Justin, and things went relatively smoothly until about a week before she was born. After a long night and day of contractions, I ended up having diarrhea and horrible stomach pains that lasted for over 24 hours and left me dehydrated. I ended up having to go to labor and delivery for an IV, which immediately stopped the stomach pains.
The following Sunday, I woke up at 5:00 AM having regular contractions. They were every 3 minutes or so for 6 hours, but they didn't hurt enough to go into Labor and Delivery. I really thought I was in early labor, but by afternoon they stopped. A few days later, I gained 8 lbs overnight and had pitted edema and my blood pressure was quite a bit higher than normal for me. It stayed in the normal range, thankfully, but I had to have it monitored pretty closely for a few days. On Monday morning, after all those contractions the day before, I stopped in at the clinic to have my blood pressure checked. I had Justin with me, and I left milk and groceries in the car, thinking it would be a quick stop. After two hours, a non-stress test, and an exam by the on-call doctor, we suspected she was breech. The next day, I saw my doctor and he did an ultrasound that confirmed she was indeed breech.
My doctor was recently called as a mission president. One of the things that I have appreciated, is that he is a good man who is sensitive to the spirit. Before my appointment on Tuesday, I prayed that he would be inspired to know what was best for my situation, and that I would feel peace in that answer. I cried when we scheduled the c-section, but as we left the room, he turned to me and said, "I really feel that this is best for you and the baby." His turning and saying that was the answer to my own prayer that I needed, and I made peace with the idea of a c-section, even though it's not what I wanted or ever expected.
Things fell into place and my parents were able to come and be here for a day before my surgery. Todd and my Dad gave me a blessing, and I knew things were going to be okay.
Todd and I barely slept the night before the surgery. We had to be at the hospital at 5:00 AM, but I think Todd got up and showered at 2:00 AM because he couldn't sleep. I had to sleep in the recliner because my reflux had been so bad that I was aspirating it and then coughing for days. I certainly didn't want to be coughing after a c-section!
We arrived at the hospital and immediately started the "hurry up and wait" process of being prepped for surgery. It took two tries to get my IV in, and the anesthesiologist came to talk to me about my spinal, and different drug options. I told him I didn't want any narcotics, because they make me sick. He told me he would use one drop of morphine in the spinal, but that it wouldn't be digested like percocet or lortab, so I agreed to it. He also mentioned another drug that he said he'd only used a couple times, and if he had to use it I wouldn't remember who I was or what I was doing. I didn't worry too much, because it sounded rare.
I was wheeled into the operating room, and was surprised because it didn't look anything like the operating rooms I remember from my appendectomy and gall bladder surgery. It reminded me of a storage room. There were buckets along the wall, and "stuff" sitting around on shelves and tables. They required that Todd stay outside while I got the spinal, so I held on to a nurse who wore too much make-up and perfume during that part of the procedure, and then they brought Todd in as they set up the curtain and inserted a catheter. They checked to make sure I was numb, and got started. It all happened really quickly.
I was told that I would feel lots of pressure, but it didn't prepare me for the amount of pressure. Good gravy...there was A LOT of pressure. They tried to turn Madelyn from her breech position, but it wasn't happening, so they took her feet first. I remember hearing her first cry and breaking down in tears. I'm so glad I have that memory. The anesthesiologist congratulated us, and I'm pretty sure by the sound of his voice that he was crying too. It must be a cool thing to witness such a sacred event as a baby being born as often as they do. I remember them telling me her hair was dark, and then they started the process of putting me back together. At that point I started noticing pain.
The best way I can describe it, is that I felt like an open toy box and they were rummaging through to find the right lego piece...and it wasn't gentle. The pain was more at the top of my belly, near my ribs, but combined with the intense pressure it was quickly becoming too much. I was gritting my teeth and breathing like I was in labor to try to manage the pain. The anesthesiologist asked if I wanted Valium, and I was in too much pain to ask what the side effects were so I agreed to it. The only thing I remember after that is yellow light and people talking, but nothing made any sense. I found out later that after I had the Valium, I started trying to "help" the doctors stitch me up. I kept trying to reach around the curtain, and the doctor told me afterward that I grabbed his butt. At that point, they had to sedate me using that rare drug I had been warned about.
The next thing I remember was trying to wake up in the recovery room. Madelyn was crying, and the nurse was telling me in a stern voice that the baby was hungry and I needed to wake up to feed her. Todd was helping me hold her as I attempted to breastfeed, but I faded in and out. I wanted so much to hold and love on my baby, but I just couldn't wake up enough. My dad stopped by to see the baby (he was on his way back home to Cache Valley), and I vaguely remember him walking into the room, and I realized that I had a wet towel on my head. Apparently they were having trouble regulating my temperature. I remember telling the nurse I was nauseated (right before throwing up), and the next thing I knew I was in my room, but I don't remember being moved there.
I remember Todd asking me several times if I was okay, and mentioning that I'd barely looked at the baby. It wasn't that I didn't want to...I just wasn't "all there" yet. I spent the day extremely dizzy and throwing up. I could tell the nurses were a little concerned and that it wasn't a common reaction. Finally one of the nurses told me that she thought it was from the morphine, and that it would wear off by about 7:00 that night. Sure enough, between 7:00-8:00 that night the dizziness started to go away, and I was feeling more like myself. Todd's mom came to visit, followed by my visiting teacher (who is a labor and delivery nurse at the hospital), and then Todd picked up my mom and the boys so they could meet their baby sister. We had kept her hair color a secret. Todd sent them a picture of her wearing a hat, so when they came into the room, I took her hat off for the big "reveal". As you might guess, we had two boys hoping for red hair, and two hoping for dark hair :o). Thankfully, they were so smitten with her "cuteness" that her hair color was the least of their concerns.
It has taken me awhile to write this post because honestly, I've been a little bit traumatized by how it all went down. It wasn't the birth I had envisioned for so many months. I was looking forward to two things: rolling over on my tummy after delivery, and the skin-to-skin contact following birth. I didn't get that with my first three because the hospital I delivered in just didn't do that, so when Justin was born and they immediately put him on my chest I was surprised, but it was my favorite part of his birth. He was so warm, and I have commented many times as I've told the boys about childbirth how warm he was and how much I loved holding him right away. When I found out I was having a c-section, they told me I wouldn't be able to do skin-to-skin for about a half an hour. I knew that by then she wouldn't be as warm and it wouldn't be the same. I asked if it would be possible for Todd to do skin-to-skin, and they said yes. I made peace with the idea of a c-section because I was excited that Todd would get to do skin-to-skin and he'd never have had that opportunity otherwise. I looked forward to watching him hold our baby for the first time...but because I had to be sedated, I missed it.
I am well aware that the most important thing is that my baby arrived safely, and she was healthy, but it's been difficult to process the whole birth experience. It wasn't beautiful like I imagined. It was scary, and traumatic. I'm so grateful for my visiting teacher who stopped in to see me in the hospital. She has experienced a c-section herself, and she understood what I was going through. She didn't try to point out the fact that I had a healthy baby and should be grateful. She empathized with me, and made me feel okay about mourning the fact that I didn't get the "perfect" birth I'd imagined. I don't have any pictures of me in labor. I didn't get to listen to the playlist I'd so carefully picked out, or labor in the tub like I wanted. I didn't get to see Todd hold her for the first time, I spent her first day dizzy and vomiting, and I had to spend the first week of her life in pain every time I rolled over or tried to get out of bed.
I know lots of women who have had c-sections, but I honestly had never given it a second thought until I actually experienced it myself. It has taken me three weeks to process it all and finally type this out, but I have gotten to the point where I am just grateful that she is here, and healthy. I keep thinking of this
video clip that Todd uses in therapy to describe empathy. My visiting teacher connected with me on the night of Madelyn's birth, and I'm so grateful for her understanding of what I had been through. C-sections happen all the time, but they don't happen to me all the time, and because of it, I don't have the fond memories of Madelyn's birth that I had with each of my boys.
I told Todd that I needed to make a book of my pregnancy and the birth, so that I could have a tangible reminder of all my feelings. I thought it would help me to look back on the whole experience fondly, but as I've worked on the book this week, I've realized that adding colorful backgrounds to my pictures isn't changing the fact that this birth--and the entire pregnancy--was hard.
I think the beautiful part of the story will come as she grows, and as I relish every second of snuggling and enjoying my last baby. It makes her middle name all that much more fitting. "Joy always comes after sorrow."
...and the joy has most certainly come.
Oh, how I love this sweet little girl. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father gave me one more chance to snuggle a newborn, and that I get to have a daughter.
