Biscuitface Cumbercookie

like a solid 60% of weird fandom tropes were invented by women who needed slightly more avant garde ways to fuck spock.... wanting to fuck spock is in many ways a load bearing pillar of fandom like if u took it away the source code would just break theres like a molecule of wanting to fuck spock or reaction to everyone wanting to fuck spock within the heart of fanfic all fanfiction is about wanting to fuck spock except fanfic about wanting to fuck spock which is about women in stem

THE CASUALNESS OF THAT COLLIE SLIPPING RIGHT OUT OF THEIR COLLAR. That dude is a Willing Participant of this walk and by god everyone else is going to follow the RULES.

im a fan of the moment where the husky is like 'wait you're not authorized to do that' and the collie is like 'THE FUCK IM NOT'

unstoppable force (border collie) vs immovable object (husky)

don't ever understimate a herding dog's determination to KEEP EVERYONE TOGETHER SO HELP ME GOD

TOP 5 MOST PRESSING QUESTIONS ABOUT CAPTAIN PICARD:

Is he GAY? Is he ALIVE? Is he GAY? Is he DEAD? Is he GAY?

the internet these days is insane because every 3-5 days you see an honest to god neuron-rewiring video produced by some rando with too much free time, and it's so fucking good that you know would have been its own entire meme for MONTHS in 2005. but we're so saturated with phds in breaking bad editing so you can't go into work like "hey did you see The Bear No Rush video game?" because nobody has any idea what you're talking about. back in my day we watched 1 blurry video of a guy doing the Numa Numa Dance and it sustained all of society for an entire year.

day 1 at the communal puzzle club: i see a puzzle with a sign next to it that says "please help with our communal puzzle" and i say to myself "don't mind if I do" and did the whole thing

day 2 at the communal puzzle club: i get gently reprimanded for not sharing the puzzle experience with the others. in my defense I thought they needed all the help they could get

day 3 at the communal puzzle club: we start a new puzzle and i put one of the pieces in my pocket and save it for later so i can be the one who puts in the last piece

day 4 at the communal puzzle club: the puzzle is almost complete so i reach into my pocket and realize i left the last piece in my other pants which are currently in the washing machine. i feign ignorance

day 5 at the communal puzzle club: the others are suspicious but they have no proof. they check my pockets before i leave but little do they know that this time i ate the pieces

day 6 at the communal puzzle club: i put an entire bottle of miralax in my coffee to get the pieces out of my digestive system but they are too far dissolved to be usable. my stomach is in so much pain and i can't stop shitting but i rinse off what's left of the pieces and make it to puzzle club anyway, only to find out they don't meet on mondays. i am inconsolable.

day 7 at the communal puzzle club: i realized those pieces are incriminating evidence so i slipped them in someone else's pocket. i should be good as long as they don't find residual traces of my dna

day 8 at the communal puzzle club: there is an odd feeling in my gut. i feel as if something has been awoken in me

day 9 at the communal puzzle club: i am in such deep focus that the others are starting to fear me. either that or they are cowering away from the communal puzzle out of sheer respect for my skills

day 10 at the communal puzzle club: i'm getting better and better, i can now do several puzzles in one day. the others are discussing what to do about me in hushed tones. little do they know my laser focus allows me to hear everything they say. they aren't a threat.

day 11 at the communal puzzle club: the club manager unlocked the door but already i am inside. ive been here all night doing puzzles in the dark. they threaten to ban me from the club so in response i pick a 500 piece puzzle at random and complete it in under 45 minutes, just to show them who the real authority is

day 12 at the communal puzzle club: i have been officially banned from the communal puzzle club. in a fit of rage i grab as many pieces as i can and eat them, making sure to thoroughly chew and swallow every single one. if i can't do them, no one can.

day 13 at the communal puzzle club: it's monday again. the club doesn't meet today. it's the perfect opportunity to break in and do as many puzzles as my heart desires, without any of the club's petty drama to distract me

day 14 at the communal puzzle club: i am in jail because the club manager snitched to the cops like the pathetic weakling they are. this is the worst night of my entire life there aren't any puzzles here

day 15 at the communal puzzle club: the judge let me off with a restraining order since I didn't actually steal anything. i show back up to communal puzzle club just to make a show of ripping the order to shreds. no piece of paper will dictate my life, only jigsaw-cut cardboard has that power. nothing else.

day 16 at the communal puzzle club: everyone is so quiet today when I walk in. I eat some pieces in a show of force, just to remind everyone who's in charge. I comment that they taste somewhat like strychnine, they say it's just because Ravensburger has a new method of chemically processing their pieces. sounds plausible. 30 minutes later i am convulsing violently but i beg them not to call an ambulance until i finish the puzzle i was working on. but the bastards don't listen and I'm shipped off to the hospital kicking and screaming.

day 17 at the communal puzzle club: i spent the night in the hospital. a detective comes in and says they're investigating the manager of the communal puzzle club for attempted murder and asks what i know. i tell him honestly that i ain't no snitch and spit in his face. he says they have more than enough evidence to prosecute regardless.

day 18 at the communal puzzle club: the club manager is on trial for attempted murder and i am called as a witness. i tell the judge that i ain't no snitch and spit in his face. i am held in contempt of the court

day 19 at the communal puzzle club: the defense makes a plea of justifiable self defense, citing the restraining order that isn't even 1 week old. somehow the judge buys that flimsy defense. i mean, this is the same judge who didn't even recognize me from that same case despite being the same judge. i think the poor old man has dementia so i make a motion for a mistrial. it gets shot down because the system is corrupt.

day 20 at the communal puzzle club: the judge says i should get jail time but he decided i should be in a mental facility instead. i don't know why he would think that, i have been nothing but sane my entire life. god forbid a woman have hobbies

day 1 in the psych ward: they have puzzles in here this is amazing

day 2 in the psych ward: all the puzzles are missing a few pieces. this is unacceptable. im going to go insane

day 3 in the psych ward: i have been informed that they do not use the word "insane" in here so i take back my previous statement.

day 4 in the psych ward: i need to find those missing pieces i need to find them i need to find them i have been questioning everybody all the nurses all the doctors all the patients all the miscellaneous hospital staff but nobody knows anything. this is hopeless. i will never be able to overcome this trauma. my life is over

day 5 in the psych ward: it's so boring in here. without complete puzzles there's nothing to do except watch tv but the only channel they get is the local news. i begrudgingly watch out of nothing but all-encompassing ennui. but one of the stories is about the communal puzzle club and suddenly i am overcome with nostalgia. turns out there was a series of alleged poisonings attributed to that location. strychnine was found in three people so far, one of whom was myself. but the others didn't survive. this confirms my suspicion that i am in fact the chosen one

day 6 in the psych ward: with a renewed sense of purpose i will attempt to convince the doctors of my "sanity," but i also came to the realization that they don't care about sanity, they only care about sedation. they want to supress my passion, eradicate my truth, condition me to fall in line with the rest of the "sane" people. with that knowledge, i was able to tell them everything they wanted to hear. i acted polite, pretended i was cured, i even feigned complete disinterest in puzzles! it made my stomach boil but i did it, i convinced them, and just like that, i was free.

day 28 at the communal puzzle club: i don't know why everyone was so surprised to see me again, it's only natural that i'd come to finish what i started

(i know this is supposed to be day 27 at the communal puzzle club but day 27 was a monday so nothing happened) like what am i gonna say, "day 27 i sat alone in my studio apartment eating cereal and biding my time"

day 29 at the communal puzzle club: the communal puzzle club has been disbanded, the club manager has been arrested, and the whole place is swarming with cops. i watched as they hauled off a bunch of expensive looking printers and like a billion reams of paper and loaded them onto a big police truck.

apparently, the communal puzzle club was just a front for document forgery and counterfeit cash, and i had been inadvertently sabotaging them this entire time. which is sad because i support both of those things. but it also explains why they met 12 hours a day, 6 days a week and why they had their own building despite having no profit model and also why i was the only one who seemed to actually care about the puzzles. everyone else was too busy making fake passports to care.

in hindsight, i always knew they were all a bunch of casuals. but i didn't mind because they had so many excellent puzzles. I asked one of the officers if i could at least have the puzzles but he said they were already taken and locked away in the evidence room. the thought sickens me- all those puzzles, gathering dust, never to be assembled again. or maybe the pigs just took them for themselves! so they could have all the puzzles they want while the rest of us ordinary, law-abiding citizens have nothing to do except die of boredom!

the moral of the story is that we can never have nice things because of the fucking pigs. fuck the police.

One of my favorite historical tidbits is that Arab traders, for centuries, fooled Europeans into thinking cinnamon came from a rare, vicious and fearsome cinnamon bird.

The belief was so prevalent, in fact, that the mythical cinnamon bird shows up in the writings of Herodotus and Aristotle, all the way into medieval European manuscripts where it’s illustrated in all its fierce, cinnamony glory:

Pliny the Elder expressed skepticism of the bird in his writings, rightly assuming that it was a tale invented to keep control on the trade and prices by reducing competition, but the belief was already so widespread that it persisted in many areas into the early 1300’s.

🧐

I'm having a good time :)

i am not, sadly. my tummy hurts :(

I'm going to absolve you of this pain. I will transfer the pain onto myself.

ouuuuuuuughghhggggggggggggg,,,,,,,,,,,,, guuhhhggggh ooouughhhffgg :( oooouuumnhhhhhhhhh......

My tummy also hurts :(

Cheese pizza bad idea for lactose intolerant

jussts. senfdb it. send it to me ,,,,., . I can Take it

it's a few days later and I'm fighting for my life right now, this post actually worked and now I'm dying. this is what I signed up for so I'll take the punishment but like, my stomach has never hurt this much in my life.

my hubris

Send it to Elon, like that other post

think fast musk I'm sending my curse

I love this meme because I think humans 10,000 years ago or 100,000 years ago would also like it

the heat of the fire draws air straight up from the center over the fire. This draws the air in from the sides in a circle around the fire creating an air current, which means air is being blown toward the fire from all sides. When you sit on one side of the fire, it blocks some of the air moving toward the fire from that side. Now there is more air being blown toward the fire from the side opposite you. This pushes the smoke your direction. When you move to the other side, it just makes the same thing happen over there. The smoke actually literally does follow you around no matter where you sit. Because physics.

in other words what you actually need at the fire is other people sitting around the fire with you to balance it out ;~;

We used to play goofy games around the fire trying to get the smoke to move.

Like we knew it wasn’t real… But when you said “Laura is your Uncle” and the smoke blew towards Laura, there was giggling and joy.

The little Lowes bucket he has at the end is killing me with cuteness

There's more:

A little Homestuck PSA

As 4/13 is right around the corner I just wanted to remind everyone about the Unofficial Homestuck Collection. As Viz and the death of Flash have been slowly killing the intended Homestuck experience there is still a way to see it how it was meant.

This offline program allows for all the flash to be seen and mini games to be played as intended and helps protect from spoilers. If you are going to start reading Homestuck or are planning to trick some unsuspecting friend into reading please consider using this program!

And - I love new livebloggers! Let me know who you love to watch make this journey.

https://bambosh.github.io/unofficial-homestuck-collection/

Also! Homestuck has some language that has not aged well (i.e. slurs and unkind terms, especially towards the begining) so someone also made an optional patch that removes that language and replaces it with stuff that still keeps it funny! Not everything gets replaced outside the main comic but I know they are working on it!

https://twitter.com/AltUniverseWash/status/1320759511242649601

I think it's hella cool that this option exists for people that may not be comfortable with the very late 2000s internet language of homestuck, but this post opened my eyes to that fact that homestuck mods can exist, like we can mod homestuck now,

like a video game? brb im doing a homestuck any% run rn. homestuck troll%

Hey all - heads up! They updated to version 2.0.

Looks like the old link doesn’t work now. Try this instead https://homestuck.github.io/

I've noticed more and more in public bathrooms that people skip the handwash and just take a squirt of hand sanitizer from wall dispensers on the way out. hand sanitizer is NOT effective against most things that come out of your ass and live in public bathrooms. i'm begging y'all. please. please please please please please use the soap. i'm out here immunosupressed fighting for my life to not get naturally selected while people touch a public toilet handle and walk back to their table to immediately eat a burger

seriously wash your hands, alcohol is less effective than soap and water for getting rid of a lot of crap.

Hand sanitizer does not work on norovirus.

Also other things but I want to mention norovirus specifically. It's super common. I cannot emphasize enough that there are diseases that are spread by fecal-oral aka ass-to-mouth aka you not cleaning your hands with water and soap after taking a shit that are not at all killed by most hand sanitizers. Don't make people eat your shit. Literally.

Well obviously I can’t have chronic fatigue, that’s a real problem for real disabled people that’s diagnosed by doctors probably. Clearly I just have some sort of perpetual exhaustion issue, that is also almost certainly my fault somehow

WATCHMEN (2009) dir. Zack Snyder