just finished the second PBL session with Dr Naznin, alhamdulillah. i just get so nervous. she's absolutely intimidating. i really like her and her method of teaching but sometimes i fear that i may not be able to answer her questions correctly. my heart was pounding.

my headache is getting worse. i feel like banging my head to the wall or even numb it with ice so i won't feel the pain. i think i have to do some reading on headaches.

another reason why i'm compelled to update my blog is so that it will be on a permanent record which will only be lost if the world wide web breaks down. ten or twenty years from now when i'm a successful O&G specialist (insyaAllah) i might be able to reflect and read back on my activities in medical school. even Dr Mahathir (we should take the good parts and learn from everyone) said that malaysians do not write about the everyday life happenings and all these may be lost to the next generation. so, Dr M, i'm taking up ur advice, hehe.

ponderings of this morning

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."

That's the thought for today Dr Khurshid started with. Hmm, it took me several minutes to comprehend the meaning behind it. Criticism builds!

initially people take no notice of you thinking that you are an unworthy opponent. then when they see you do something they mock you. when they realize you are indeed someone to be reckoned with they begin to fight with you and make your life hard. But by that time, you'd already had a headstart and YOU WIN, yay!

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i think there's some infectious agent circulating around here. there's been an aura of sickness and unwellness since last week. you only begin to notice things when you start experiencing them. i've been having some sorta change in my voice since yesterday (i'd rather call my voice husky than hoarse coz that sounds much better). i've noticed that i've been clearing my throat more frequently. so has Azza. kak farah has been having the flu since last week. azza's condition is kinda worseing. she's sneezing all over the place (exaggeration). and this morning fatin has full blown aphonia (loss of voice).

i think it might be some sorta laryngitis. but i have no fever, only generalized malaise (weakness and lethargy) and also headahces and myalgia (muscle pain) at the back of the nack and upper shoulders.. hmm, my throat does seem a bit sore. i can guess what the consequent symptoms would be. i just hope they'll be over and done with as soon as possible.

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today's my 4th day of my puasa 6. another two to go. i've been fasting nonstop since last week to make sure that i'll be able to complete all 6 days. in previous years, i use to hold on to the hukum that you can combine two or three niats in one fasting but now i have a different view,

according to hadith researches and gurus, there are two opinions regarding this two-in-one or three-in-one fastings. the first group who says it is permissible have a very poor explanation and it's not really authentic. the 2nd group says that it is not permissible since there is no dalil regarding this matter in the sunnah. i prefer the latter opinion.

so what to do? replace all the missed days to complete the ramadhan fast first and then continue with the 6-days of syawal.. it seems difficult but the again, one has to go back and check their imaan. if one is unable to complete it in time, then let's leave Allah is the best judge of intentions and fromHim is the Reward.

if i don't start practising this now, i might never start. so, another 2 days to go then.

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the fourth years are having their exams today and tomorrow. how does that affect me? well, two seniours came to borrow a mechanical pencil, then another borrowed a liquid paper, then a sweater, and also my watch. i'm glad to be of service really. it's just funny how people just remember these things on the morning of the exams.

huh, i laugh now, but then again, i go through it as well.

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hmm, what's all this about the wahabbi threat. these people don't know what they're talking about. ape lah derang nih, suke hati jeh komplen about something they're unsure of. the bottomline is IGNORANCE. dah lame kaji konon, this guy claims, huh, his reasearch is superficial and not yet extensive. either that or he's made up his mind in the beginning and refuses to see the real truth.

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i realise that blogs were never meant to be private and those who do indulge in them enter the borderless world at their own risk. but, having your classmates read your worthless and nonsensical rantings is INDEED EMBARASSING (i know, i know, i shouldn't be wasting my time here). i was wondering whether i should be deterred and end it all while i still can, following the footsteps of the others.

hmm, on second thought, this is my sanity maintainer and my let out place. i have so much scattered thoughts that i must write them down in fear of losing my mind. some of them might even be worthwhile or meaningful although 90% are pure ramblings. i don't really mind as long as i know who reads them. then i'll know to what extent and the type of stuff i can write about. so, peeps, do inform me, ya!

FAT...

26.10.05

On that FATEFUL day, the FAT FATALIST FATHER could not FATHOM the cause of his FATIGUE and FATUOUS FATE which lead to a FATALITY in his FATHERLAND.

CRYPTIC MESSAGE:
I’M FAT!

hmmm, on the other hand... can't be too skinny.. that would expose me to amenorrhoea (absence of mensus)... jadi sedang2 je lah.

PHYSIO 101: one needs 17% of body fat to initiate menarche and 20% for estrogen synthesis to sufficiently maintain the menstrual cycle.

20 things that make me smile and uplift my spirits (written on the 21.10.05)

1. ICE CREAM, CHOCOLATE and CAKES –YUMMY!
2. being with my family and close friends
3. a call from a family member or a message from a dear friend
4. reading the Quran and hadith
5. reading a good book
6. a good tazkirah
7. rearranging my room
8. receiving mail whether snail-mail or electronic
9. receiving a gift in whatever form
10. making someone happy
11. knowing that something I did helped someone in any way
12. finally understanding what I have learnt and read
13. others reading and liking my writings
14. the smell of fresh, newly cut grass, the smell of sterility and hygiene (eg Dettol) and also of clean clothes
15. a nice, refreshing and soothing shower
16. a clean, tidy and orderly room after vigorous cleaning
17. good, quality and non-excessive sleep and then waking up early
18. learning something new
19. making a new friend
20. accomplishing something and meeting my goals

sape tah budak nih

i don't remember this kid's name but i do know of his heritage. he came last raya with his dad who's a chinese revert. his mom is malay. his dad is mak's acquantaince. he's soo comel that we couldn't help taking pics of him.

he reminds me of a particular friend of mine.

Akin to Draco

haha.. not like Harry Potter at all. more similar to Malfoy!
nearly like Dumbledore and Hermoine... boleh la.

You scored as Draco Malfoy.
Spoilt and proud, you place high value on the purity of wizard blood and look set to follow in your father's somewhat shady footsteps.

Draco Malfoy 95%
Albus Dumbledore 95%
Hermione Granger 90%
Sirius Black 85%
Remus Lupin 85%
Severus Snape 80%
Harry Potter 75%
Ron Weasley 75%
Lord Voldemort 65%
Ginny Weasley 55%


(can't seem to put up the link... cari kat kak hana's lah eh)

RAYA PICS

Here's some raya pics. We celebrated it for the first time in Johor and for the umpteenth time without kakngah. Nape tah baru sekarang nak post. Saje je. Glad i didn't have exams to worry about ;-)

Visiting ayah's cousin who we didn't even know lived in johor. She still gave me duit raya so we're all eager to go to her house next year :) kak chik didn't come along coz she had to study.

Hope i'll meet someone as tall, charismatic and handsome as ayah.

Mak and ayah

Sandwiched between the two guys i love.

The 'terase' trio

the people you tend to hurt most are the ones closest to you. maybe because you're too close that you have certain expectations... sibah called mukhayyam ramsar as mukhayyam terase... alhamdulillah we've had our muhasabah session and cleared everything out.

"Sesungguhnya perumpamaan teman yang salih dan teman yang buruk hanyalah seumpama pembawa minyak wangi dan peniup tungku api seorang tukang besi. Bagi pembawa minyak wangi, boleh jadi sama ada dia memberinya kepada kamu (minyak wangi) atau kamu membeli daripadanya (minyak wangi) atau kamu mendapat bau harum daripadanya. Bagi peniup tungku api seorang tukang besi, boleh jadi sama ada ia akan membakar pakaian kamu (kerana kesan tiupan api) atau kamu mendapat bau yang tidak sedap daripadanya (bau besi)"

(Hadis sahih: dikeluarkan oleh Muslim dalam kitab shahihnya, hadis no 2628)

p.s. A panoply of teeth that would make the dentist proud!

i think this cardigan is sooo cute. it was among the stuff this nice chinese lady gave kak yung for her baby or my nephew or niece. she gave a pram and lots and lotsa clothes.

i wish they had it in a bigger size.

mUKHAYYAM rAMSAR pAHANng 2005

Peserta akhawat

Masak-masak

I think i learnt a lot more about myself from this camp (not really during the camp but during the muhasabah afterwards) and received so many lessons. There's a lot of my character that needs changing and improvement.

Ya Allah, please help me.

Azza and I

At kak Ju's

Whispers of the Night

Whispers of the Night

by Sh. Abu Yusuf Riyadh ul Haq

I pounded on the door of mercy as the world slept
And humbling myself before my Creator I wept

Hands raised high and head bowed I knelt
And dejectedly began to lament what I felt

With a torn heart I gave a tongue to my woes and fears
And in great anguish and sorrow I let flow my tears

With poignant emotions raging in me so fierce
I hoped that my prayers would the heavens pierce

Oh Maker of my destiny, Master of my fate I cried
Thou art the only refuge and succour for one so tried

'Tis before Thee alone that I bemoan
Sufferings of mine only to Thee known

Pains and torments that I can no longer bear
Hopes and wishes I can entrust only to Thy care

For 'Tis only the ocean of Thine Infinite bounty that sustains all
And only Thy forgiveness that restores those that fall

'Tis to Thee alone Oh Benevolent that I en tend my hands in plea
To whom besides Thee can this wretched soul flee

Forgive my sins and grant me my desires Oh Almighty
Reject me not, for nothing can redeem me save Thy mercy

very tired

just came back from mukhayyam yesterday. my body's aching all over and i have several macular spots as souveneirs courtesy of the jungle.

i had a wonderful time but am still very penat. i could barely concentrate in class just now. yesterday i fell asleep while replying a message. haha, teruk betul. nak kene rest some more to regain my strength.

one thing is, i had to deal with this guy who is more 'kerek' and sarcastic than me and boy was that irritating. geram sgt.

of meetings and bro Nadhir

yesterday there was an MSC meeting. due to the one-in-three months arrangement of the meeting, naturally, much needed to be said and presented. an elective student from University College of London, brother Nadhir who is the President of the Islamic Students association there, came to observe the way our meetings were conducted, i love his british accent :)

after we'd finished presenting our issues, he gave his comments. he said that we were so lucky to have everything very easy for us and that we didn't have to struggle and fight to survive here. that's probably why we're not really performing excellently. everyone is complacent with merely passing and getting by that they do not strive hard for excellence. mediocrity is the general goal.

he told us to never wait for other people to do something. if you want something done, do it yourself! he said that if he asked a muslim to do something, he'd have a backup of three people to do it and also a backup ready if the backups couldn't come through but whenever he assigned something to a non-muslim, he'd get the job done straight away. he was surprised this happened in Malaysia too. hmm, i'm not.

another thing that puzzled him was how there was only two saffs during the jamaah prayers when there are three block-fuls of brothers. haha, i'll leave that to the bros to answer and ponder.

hmm, the way Bro Shams, our president, wanted to home in his message to anyone who he thinks hasn't done their job reminded me of Dr Naznin's method. he'd convey his points in a subtle way that the intended person realizes his or her mistake and feels quite sheepish.

i hate lengthy meetings!

p.s. just realized that this blog is a year-old now. i wonder how long it'll last???

Aaisyah alhumaira'

My niece

Are you frowning Aisyah? Hehe, just like her mak yang :)

mental constipation

i was full of ideas during my revision week but i put them on hold to work on them later when time would be more on my side. i jotted them down whenever i thought of them. sitting at my desk, back hunched, pouring over my new patho book which i'd become smitten with, my mind wandered off several times.

but now, although i do not have all the time in the world, i do have some spare time. the problem is i'm suffering from mental constipation. i'm kinda low on ideas and find difficulty in completing tasks.

a crappy entry

it feels like ages since i've updated this blog. mesti orang dah malas nak visit dah.. so what, it's mine anyway.

i've gotten some feedback from my sisters on my blog. derang tak larat bace coz of all the medical jargon i use. takde sape paham. habis tuh, i am supposed to be a med student, takkan tanak practice what i learn, how else am i supposed to improve?

ok, dear sisters of mine, i'll try to a little more of explaining. do read on eh.

for strangers, i highly discourage u from proceeding because this entry contains improper usage of language, incoherent narrations of events and issues u might not understand at all. u have been warned.
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a lot has happened since my last entry. the raya holidays were wonderful but too short and then the starting of a new block, Y2B3. each day i'm reminded of how close the 1st professional exams are. they're in April 2006, 17th to 19th... seramnye!

Y2B3 or year 2 block 3 is all about endocrinology (all about hormones) and reproduction (everything to do with it, the female and male genitalia, the physiology related to it, diseases and all)... macam obscene sket this block. but, what to do, it's a subject which is unavoidable by everyone, kene go through it gak.

since we started last week, my life has been so hectic. i'm always very tired and that has nothing to do with fasting. there's a lot of changes happening. due to our poor and worrying performance,
the anatomy lecturers are on our case because the clinical lecturers especially the surgeons think that our grasp of anatomy is very poor and patchy. so now we have to draw everything and have more assignments and everything will be assessed. no more coming to tutorials in a blurred condition. you either read or not come at all. no more handouts (but some secretly give, hehe).

ever since last monday, it's been a full week. full lectures, everyday. so much to read and revise. my studygroup mates have decided to try out a new study plan. we wanted to utilize the wee hours of the morning for our discussions so that we'd wake up early and it wouldn't disturb the precious study hours of the night.

until now, we have only had two successful sessions, even that were with one or two absentees. on two or three occasions, only sibah woke up and the rest , myself included, didn't manage to wake up early. we're considering of ceasing this plan, but we'll prolly try it out for another week or two.

let's proceed to some delightful news (or it should be actually). Jim Pahang's organizing a mukhayyam next week at Tasik Bera, Pahang. we (meaning the karisma urusetia tanpa syura with pakcik2) named it Mukhayyam Ramsar 2005 - cam sedap kan :) it's a major event that will involve all levels of age groups including pakcik makcik, karisma, krj and aulad. initially it was meant to be solely for karisma but then due to the high cost of the place, the pakcik's decided on this combination. at first, myself, sibah and aishah weren't involved with the planning at all until kak jan told us that we were required to give our opinion on the tentative. that was during our revision week last block. only then did we know that we were to be the urusetia. we've been kept busy ever since.

this is the first camp that i've been to that we have to take prophylaxis for malaria lest we get infected. we have to take fansidar and chloroquine a week before the camp (which was last friday). there are side effects such as GI disturbances, rashes and of course Steven Johnson Syndrome, but alhamdulillah i had not experienced any of it, or maybe tak perasan.

now i know how hard it is to organize such a major camp. it involves so many things and so many detailes have to be considered. i remember going to such a camp organized by jim johor in 1993 and 1994. since i was still in primary school at that time, i was oblivious to how much effort was called for to ensure it's success. hmm, now i know.

last saturday, we convoyed two cars to the camp site. pak cik azam, pakcik ibrahim, faizal (k-pahang's president), rizal (kpm), hawa and hidayah (polisas) and six of us from uia including firdaus. we wanted to try out the activities beforehand and see the place.

promoting this mukhayyam to the members was kinda hard. many couldn't go because of exams or clashes with other obligations and some who simply dislike outdoor activities. we have only female partcipants from uia and polisas and males from kpm and kuktem, tu pun tak pasti. geram gak with pakcik makcik coz they can't give us a proper extimate of how many will be involved. kat pahang ni berape kerat je orang.. balik2 orang tu jugak. but they always wait until the very last minute ti daftar. esok program hari ni bagi name. susah gak macam ni.

agak sedih jugak kondisi k-pahang ini. the IPTs here have either only ikhwah members or akhawat members. UIA and Polisas have akhawat majority and seciput of ikhwah, tu pun baru 1st year. KPM and KUKTEM plak ramai ikhwah. entah lah, that's just how it is.

after a whole day at the tasik bera resort, we decided to have another follow up meeting on sunday afternoon to smoothen things out. sibah, aishah and i worked through the night to complete the mukhayyam booklet and going over the details. they came to my room when i'd just barely switched off my lights to call it a night. i was forced to wake up and finish the work. before the meeting, we went to kak ju's open house and barely made it in time for the meeting. i brought my laptop and somehow halfway through the meeting it died on me. i didn't realized it was out of battery. and then it refused to start. sedihnya. benci kalau comp rosak. even my thumbdrive which was in the comp when it went bonkers showed symptoms of being unwell. terpakse gune pakcik husni's.

i'd just managed to rearrange my room before going to kak ju's and now it has a new look (copy sibah's arrangement). we're not allowed to rearrange any part of the room actually but ramai je buat and a new surrounding kinda gives me a fresh new feeling and a sense of satisfaction and pleasure. despite the great and time-consuming effort and required to do it, it's just one of those things i had to do or my mind would forever be contemplating it.

the mukhayyam meeting ended just before maghrib. imagine how tired i was by then. i still had my laundry to attend to and my still not-so-clean room to deal with. after buying dinner at the cafe and returning pakcik's laptop, i just got to know of my PBL discussion which was to be held in a few minutes time. i hadn't had time to read what i'd done or researched more on the case. ( it was on pituitary adenoma. the patient had features of acromegaly due to excessive production of growth hormones). dahlah our group had Dr Naznin, one of the lecturers well known for her strictness and frightening PBL sessions.

it's nik aishah's birthday today, so according to tradition, we'd go to her room and give her a present just before 12am and spend time berbual and eat whatever yang ade. tak leh lelame coz i still had a hito drawing to complete which was to be submitted today and also a PBL session to prepare for.

so now, that PBL session is over. it wasn't too bad. doctor tak marah me so i guess it was ok. with that burden off my shoulders i can relax a bit and breathe a little easy.

ok, i still have some things to see to so i'll end this long and crappy entry here.

ps.. if u are experiencing symptoms of a headache after reading thus far, u might want to undergo a CT scan or MRI to check if u have a pituitary tumor. haha. at least i won't be the only one with a headache :)